How to deal with insensitivity.....?

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my mother, now 73 years old, is the insensitive one who makes those types of comments, blames everyone for the hardships (miscarriage, stillbirth, cheating husbands, car-wrecks in which they are the innocent victim, etc) they have in life, who bullies and makes fun of people in ways that she says she ‘was just joking of course!!’, who criticizes your dress or nail polish or doorbell by saying 'i can’t believe you like that/bought that/wore that and going on and on and on and on about it in a ‘i just can’t believe you would do that’ sort of way. if you say anything about how the comment hurts, is inappropriate or unappreciated, she bristles, cries, gets indignant, and tells you how rude, foolish, overly-sensitive, ridiculous, etc you are. i figure she’ll quit sometime in another 25 years, so i endure it.
 
Well, I LIKED Apollos replies the best, although they’re the type of replies I would WANT to say, but wouldn’t actually. Easter Joy’s replies hit the nail on the head, IMO, because they are well mannered, but transmit the appropriate message. The only other thing I would add is that even though you can’t always avoid being in her presence, you might try to avoid talking about these issues. Maybe you need a few ways to end the conversation with her. If you’re at work, either just look down at your desk and concentrate on your work, or excuse yourself and walk away to another task. Or if you’re at a family gathering, become distracted by something else someone is saying or doing, ie: “I don’t know why she didn’t get a mastect…oh my, WHAT is little Jimmy doing over there?” Or change the topic to something harmless, ie: “…mmmm this pie is good. Ooops, sorry to interrupt you, but it’s soooo good. Do you know the recipe? What’s your favorite kind of pie?” As for the way she called you after your miscarriage, I guess the lesson there is to screen the calls. Caller ID, and even just an answering machine are my best friends sometimes.
 
I am not a profession but it sounds like this person has some real mental issues, bi-polar, Borderline or some thing. Some people are just insensitive and there is nothing you can do but pray. I pray for a lot of people every day and I will put you on my list, you can never pray too much.! Get some help for your self, group therapy or some kind of counseling to help you cope. Good luck, there are a lot of insensitive people out there!
 
Here are some books which cover this issue:

How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding: With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Boss, Coworker, Best Friend, Parent, or Someone You’re Dating written by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

amazon.com/Have-Difficult-Conversation-Youve-Avoiding/dp/0310267145/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1282363774&sr=8-1

God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!: Making Peace with Difficult People by Gregory K Popcak

amazon.com/Help-These-People-Driving-Nuts/dp/0824525973/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282364053&sr=1-5
People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts by Robert Bolton

amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282364340&sr=1-1

When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People: Surviving Your Family and Keeping Your Sanity by Leonard Felder

amazon.com/When-Difficult-Relatives-Happen-People/dp/1594862273/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1282365235&sr=8-1
 
Don’t kid yourself, there is a strong possibility this woman knows exactly how cruel she is. Perhaps she does get a kick out of hurting others or perhaps she speaks without thinking and realizes later she was wrong but has way too much pride to apologize. She probably is carrying a lot of childhood pain and since she is not mature enough to deal with her problems, she just creates problems for others.

And the worst part of all is the more she knows she hurts you, the more she will continue.

Since you don’t want to post why you need to be near her, I will not push. However, IMO unless you work with her and you need your job, you DO have a choice to leave the room when she walks in.

If she is a co-worker (hopefully not your boss) explain to your manager her behaviour is ruining your productivity. Explain that you want to concentrate on your work and her comments are distracting.

If she is not a co-worker and you do not want to avoid her to keep peace in the family, pray to God.

CM
 
cmscms said:
Don’t kid yourself, there is a strong possibility this woman knows exactly how cruel she is. Perhaps she does get a kick out of hurting others or perhaps she speaks without thinking and realizes later she was wrong but has way too much pride to apologize. She probably is carrying a lot of childhood pain and since she is not mature enough to deal with her problems, she just creates problems for others.

And the worst part of all is the more she knows she hurts you, the more she will continue.

Since you don’t want to post why you need to be near her, I will not push. However, IMO unless you work with her and you need your job, you DO have a choice to leave the room when she walks in.

If she is a co-worker (hopefully not your boss) explain to your manager her behaviour is ruining your productivity. Explain that you want to concentrate on your work and her comments are distracting.

If she is not a co-worker and you do not want to avoid her to keep peace in the family, pray to God.

CM
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If I had to bet my life, I’d wager that she’s just a rather self-centered know-it-all with more mouth than common sense. There is a reason Miss Manners knew to write about this problem.

(Haven’t most of us been that person, at one time or another? I know I’ve had to pull my foot out of my big mouth more times than I’d like to admit… :o)
 
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