How to disassociate without appearing self-righteous

[sherilo]

Hello all,

I’ll try to be brief, but I have to ask this question. As I grow closer to Jesus and full communion with the church, I am finding that I do not enjoy being around people where there is a blatant absence of God. I know that Jesus walked with sinners, that we are all sinners, and that we should not cloister ourselves, otherwise how will we be a witness for Him? However, I am finding it increasingly difficult to socialize with a certain group of people who do nothing but drink until they sway, speak crudely, etc. I also don’t want to take my 13 year old daughter there as much, as I fear she is getting overexposed to adults who can’t have fun unless they are drinking. I feel guilty having a couple of beers, even though I do not drink enough to get tipsy or feel separated from God. But, I am there with the others who are over indulging, so I don’t look any different from them. I have nothing in common with them. However, my husband is not as judgemental as I am. We have had some “discussions” over the fact that I speak negatively about them, and he does not like to hear it. So, should I just keep going and shut up, or can I disassociate, and still shut up? I would like to find something else for my daughter and I to do when we are invited over there. But, I don’t want to cause a division between my husband and I. Also, while I am trying hard not to be judgemental, I realize that I will be accused of this, because I guess that is really what I am. What is required of us in situations like this?

Thanks to all,
Sherilo

 

[felra]

Pray for the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom and guidance. Pray for your husband’s conversion likewise and bide your time on God’s initiatives in this area. Set a quiet example for your husband and others to notice.

This is all normal stuff that you are experiencing as the Holy Spirit works on your desires and develops your “taste” for things of the the Holy Spirit. It is a lifelong process and challenge, residing in the vocational context of your life that God has called you to. If attending these parties/lifestyle activities is too much for you, then you need to communicate this to your husband, lest you compromise your walk with the Lord.

It helps to have an active prayer and sacramental and devotional life, and fellowship with others who desire to put God first in all areas of their life. I know the “slimmed” and tainted feeling of being around/having too much expose to others more into “worldly” stuff/activiites. This affects me less and less as I have become more transformed and founded on Christ, and my lifestyle is more centered on God.

Mark**, Chapter 12: 28-31 “**“Which is the first of all the commandments?” Jesus replied, “The first is this: ‘Hear, O Israel! The Lord our God is Lord alone! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

 

[Joysong]

Dear Felra,

I certainly sympathize with your having to juggle pleasing your husband with pleasing God and remain virtuous.

However, I am finding it increasingly difficult to socialize with a certain group of people who do nothing but drink until they sway, speak crudely, etc. I also don’t want to take my 13 year old daughter there as much, as I fear she is getting overexposed to adults who can’t have fun unless they are drinking.

After I was converted, my husband did not follow the same path, and I was constantly in the same situation as you face. As I prayed, there were a couple of scriptures that especially stood out for me, and I’ll share them so that you may take them to prayer.

Sirach 13:14-17. “Every living thing loves its own kind, every man a man like himself. Every being is drawn to its own kind; with his own kind every man associates. Is a wolf ever allied with a lamb? So it is with the sinner and the just. Can there be peace between the hyena and the dog?”

2 Timothy 2:4. “No one serving as God’s soldier entangles himself in worldly affairs, that he may please Him whose approval he has secured.”

Whenever Jesus or the apostles were in the company of worldly living people, it was to bring healing and/or conversion. It was not to partake in their revelries. You have a difficult challenge facing you, and I offer prayer at this moment for your guidance.

Carole

 

[stbruno]

It is difficult to watch your associates behave badly. And you don’t have to in order to preach the gospel to them. Meet them under different circumstances. Our son has left his crowd of teenagers as well because he is uncomfortable by their newly acquired sinful habits…underage drinking and promiscuity. He says…to me…I am their moral compass and I told them that is why I am leaving them. I pray for them to finally come to reason before someone is seriously hurt by their risky behavior. It’s not being self-righteous in my opinion, but rather avoiding temptation.

 

[Joysong]

Felra,

I apologize, for my post should have been directed to Sherilo. I guess I did not scroll down far enough when I obtained the quote from her.

 

[Faithful_Mom]

Sherilo,

I have found myself in this same boat for the last few years. I don’t know that my way is the best way as I still fear being looked upon as jugdgemental and a “holy roller”. Therefore I am taking tiny baby steps in this area. I began by keeping myself busy with other things and the children at first then, trying to open up spiritual discussions when possible, such as last Sunday’s homily, what the kids are learning in religion class… Now that my children are older ( in the mid to late teens) I open up discussions on parenting issues such as setting a good example, modesty, sex ed… I have found that the moms are very willing to discuss things regarding our children. I have found very subtle ways to inject my readings, devotions, prayers in this way. I have lately begun to share the names and authors of books that I am reading concerning these issues. Last time we got together there was a pretty good discussion going on about out hopes and dreams for our children. We even discussed the church’s teaching on sex before marriage and contraception (briefly)

If the group is getting together to drink, and that’s the only reason, I am now brave enough to bow out even though my husband goes .

My prayers are with you,
Faithful mom

 

[jrabs]

Ya know, sometimes God needs to remove you from the company of people who are not good for you. He is doing this to strengthen your faith. It may seem painful in the beginning, but then you will realize God knows best. Just maintain your trust in God.

I experienced what you are currently going through about a year ago. I had a reversion back to the faith. I found it increasingly uncomfortable to associate with my friends who drank much, were very promiscuious, and not attending mass.

While I never was into the same behavior patterns as my friends, I tolerated it and engaged in conversations with them about their activities.

But I found the Holy Spirit convicting me and directing me towards a Christ centered life. So I started backing away from my friends - and as you described it, kind of cloistering myself in Adoration and daily mass instead. I would invite them to mass with me, but no takers.

I heard time and time again that they missed the old me - but the old me was not coming back to play ( fortunately). I was not fun to talk to any more about dates, etc.

Time has passed and I have lost a few friends but do not feel the loss. I prayed that God would guide me toward the folks He thought best in my life. I have been abundantly blessed with new devout Catholic friends. Amazing actually.

I have also found one of my old friends occasionally calls to ask a question about faith. Very cool. So I keep praying for them.

Just pray for your friends and hubby. God maybe using you as a tool to bring them to Christ eventually.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

I am finding it increasingly difficult to socialize with a certain group of people who do nothing but drink until they sway, speak crudely, etc. I also don’t want to take my 13 year old daughter there

I agree the Lord is leading you away from the near occassion of sin here. Find something better to spend future time doing for your family. No need to speak ill of anyone - just wander off to greener pastures and see who comes along. Your husband may feel as though you are turning not just to something he doesn’t understand, but away from him and those the both of you used to be comfortable with - which in turn makes your husband wonder if you may turn from him too. Keep the negative comments about old assoiciates to yourself. At most, say “I’m bored just standing around talking and drinking - lets go do something …bowling or to see a game or …” whatever you think has a chance.

But I have to say, I don’t think it’s fair to say you’re being “judgemental” here. (By the way, have you ever noticed that people use that phrase when they know they are in the wrong, but don’t like it being pointed out to them??) Christian or not, I know many people who would not feel comfortable in that environment - esp. with a young daughter. I’ve got nothing against a drink or two, but getting blitzed?? Come on. Grow up and smell the roses insted of puking on them! My husband has a good friend and co-worker who absolutely will not tolorate it at all - no drinking at all. Yes, people say the same thing about him too. I love his response!:

"Of course I’m judging this as wrong - it IS wrong, it IS unhealthy, it IS a waste of time. That’s good common sense, not being “holier than thou” - I’m sorry you can’t tell the difference.

Personally though, I don’t think I could be as forth-comming as him - I’d just wander off to do my own thing over time and leave it at that.

 

[sherilo]

Thank you all for your replies. They were helpful and inspiring. One of the things that I noticed once I began to draw closer to God and the catholic church is that there are many people out there who don’t know God. The pull of the world is stronger than I realized. That’s why these forums are so wonderful. We can come here and there are people who share the same heart and committment to the faith, and who have faced the same kinds of challenges. It is nice to know that I am not alone.
I have been wanting to pull back from these people for some time now, and I now feel that I can do it with integrity. It is about doing what is pleasing to God, not to other people.

Thanks,
Sherilo

 

[puzzleannie]

sherilo:

Hello all,

I’ll try to be brief, but I have to ask this question. As I grow closer to However, I am finding it increasingly difficult to socialize with a certain group of people who do nothing but drink until they sway, speak crudely, etc. I Sherilo

hub faces this all the time at work, softball, other settings, he is as he has always been, a good Catholic gentleman who when off-color, racist, derogatory speech and jokes are spoken, just gives a blank stare and changes the subject. Have never know him to curse, swear, speak badly of someone or use any bad language in 40 yrs. It is well known that he will drink one lite beer, then lemonade, soda or tea, so even softball players have something else available for him to drink. when things get rowdy he leaves. He has on several occassions left a party or event where crude things were going on-stripper, tastelessly decorated birthday cake etc. He takes a lot of ribbing but never lets it get him down. Last sports awards banquet for our park hired a comedian who gave an extremely offensive performance, he complained to the organizers, demanded our money back, and demanded – and got, after a lot of blustering – an apology. She will not be invited back. Several people loudly criticized “Jesus freaks” and “holier than thou” types, but many more who did not have the courage to speak up have thanked us since then. His moral example over the years has helped a lot of people (including kids and their spouses, SIL’s family returned to the Church due to his example, in part).