How to encourage husband's faith?

[MrsWilcox]

Hi all,
I need some advice. My husband and I (married about 5 months now!) go to mass regularly - I teach sunday school ( yes this is what the church nearby calls it ) and he will usually get ready so when I’m done we go across town to the more traditional parish. A little more background - I’m a convert (2009) and love everything Catholic - especially the EF latin mass. He was ‘raised’ Catholic - went to Catholic school but parents don’t go to mass (never did I don’t think).

I’m trying to figure out how to get him to be a little more ‘into’ living a Catholic life. He goes with me but has said before that he doesn’t get anything out of it and that prayer is private (although he has said that he does like the more traditional parish which is nice). I won’t push him on this as he reacts poorly to that (like many I suppose) but I’m not sure how to really encourage him. I pray for him and his renewed faith often.

Help! Thanks!

 

[Clare2412]

Dear Mrs. Wilcox,

I had the same problem that you describe. My husband accompanied me to mass out of feelings of loyalty to me rather than faith. I wanted to share the deep meaning I found in the practice of my Catholic faith with him, but didn’t want to nag.

In the end, I followed what I’m told was one of St. Francis of Assisi’s teaching to his own followers, “Preach the Gospel unceasingly. If necessary, use words.” I kept doing what I was doing and, as my faith grew and we moved from place to place, began new things such as teaching Confirmation classes, teaching the Boy Scouts’ Catholic religious medals courses, participating in a prayer group and a group that provided meals, company and other services to elderly, seriously ill and dying parishoners. Over time my husband’s heart changed. Just being in regular contact with all the wonderful and faithful people in the parishes we were a part of let him see the beauty of living your faith in daily acts of kindness and self-denial in the service of God and our neighbor. Now, 32 years later, he is a man of deep faith. He still doesn’t talk about it, but - as St. Francis advised - his life speaks louder than any words could. I may have been on the road longer, but he is far ahead of me.

So what should you do? If I may, I would suggest that you follow the examples of St. Monica and St. Rita and pray for your husband’s conversion of heart. Both those holy women brought their difficult husbands to faith. And try to provide him a daily, living example of the beauty of living your faith in your patience, kindness and perserverance. Then, leave the rest to the work of the Holy Spirit. We can only hope to plant the seed; it is for God to make it grow. I’ll keep you in my prayers!

Vaya con Dios!
Clare

 

[1ke]

I’m trying to figure out how to get him to be a little more ‘into’ living a Catholic life.

You don’t.

You can pray for him and set a good example for him but you cannot change him. That comes from within-- and from the call of the Holy Spirit if he will respond to it.

I assume this was his attitude and practice before you married him. I hope you did not go into this marriage thinking you could change him.

 

[MrsWilcox]

Dear Mrs. Wilcox,

I had the same problem that you describe. My husband accompanied me to mass out of feelings of loyalty to me rather than faith. I wanted to share the deep meaning I found in the practice of my Catholic faith with him, but didn’t want to nag.

In the end, I followed what I’m told was one of St. Francis of Assisi’s teaching to his own followers, “Preach the Gospel unceasingly. If necessary, use words.” I kept doing what I was doing and, as my faith grew and we moved from place to place, began new things such as teaching Confirmation classes, teaching the Boy Scouts’ Catholic religious medals courses, participating in a prayer group and a group that provided meals, company and other services to elderly, seriously ill and dying parishoners. Over time my husband’s heart changed. Just being in regular contact with all the wonderful and faithful people in the parishes we were a part of let him see the beauty of living your faith in daily acts of kindness and self-denial in the service of God and our neighbor. Now, 32 years later, he is a man of deep faith. He still doesn’t talk about it, but - as St. Francis advised - his life speaks louder than any words could. I may have been on the road longer, but he is far ahead of me.

So what should you do? If I may, I would suggest that you follow the examples of St. Monica and St. Rita and pray for your husband’s conversion of heart. Both those holy women brought their difficult husbands to faith. And try to provide him a daily, living example of the beauty of living your faith in your patience, kindness and perserverance. Then, leave the rest to the work of the Holy Spirit. We can only hope to plant the seed; it is for God to make it grow. I’ll keep you in my prayers!

Vaya con Dios!
Clare

This is so helpful! thank you so much! It’s nice to hear from someone who has had a similar experience. I’ll take your advice and will keep praying!
Thank you!

 

[MrsWilcox]

You don’t.

You can pray for him and set a good example for him but you cannot change him. That comes from within-- and from the call of the Holy Spirit if he will respond to it.

I assume this was his attitude and practice before you married him. I hope you did not go into this marriage thinking you could change him.

That’s the hard part - I know I can’t change him - and I knew this from the beginning. I don’t want to change him, but I wan’t to be a positive influence on his faith!

 

[johnnyc176]

Hi all,
I need some advice. My husband and I (married about 5 months now!) go to mass regularly - I teach sunday school ( yes this is what the church nearby calls it ) and he will usually get ready so when I’m done we go across town to the more traditional parish. A little more background - I’m a convert (2009) and love everything Catholic - especially the EF latin mass. He was ‘raised’ Catholic - went to Catholic school but parents don’t go to mass (never did I don’t think).

I’m trying to figure out how to get him to be a little more ‘into’ living a Catholic life. He goes with me but has said before that he doesn’t get anything out of it and that prayer is private (although he has said that he does like the more traditional parish which is nice). I won’t push him on this as he reacts poorly to that (like many I suppose) but I’m not sure how to really encourage him. I pray for him and his renewed faith often.

Help! Thanks!

Keep praying but if he is a reader pick up some reading material such as Catholicism for Dummies, the Catechism, A Biblical Walk Through the Mass. You read them but leave them lying around where he may see them and he may start looking through them at least.

 

[chaunceygardner]

Hi all,
I need some advice. My husband and I (married about 5 months now!) go to mass regularly - I teach sunday school ( yes this is what the church nearby calls it ) and he will usually get ready so when I’m done we go across town to the more traditional parish. A little more background - I’m a convert (2009) and love everything Catholic - especially the EF latin mass. He was ‘raised’ Catholic - went to Catholic school but parents don’t go to mass (never did I don’t think).

I’m trying to figure out how to get him to be a little more ‘into’ living a Catholic life. He goes with me but has said before that he doesn’t get anything out of it and that prayer is private (although he has said that he does like the more traditional parish which is nice). I won’t push him on this as he reacts poorly to that (like many I suppose) but I’m not sure how to really encourage him. I pray for him and his renewed faith often.

Help! Thanks!

I think you are wise not to push it. And be thankful that you attend Mass together. But here are a few suggestions that might help nudge him a little further along the path (these are just some ideas; not all may be to your liking or be applicable):

Could you ask him for help or suggestions in preparing for a Sunday School session? Say to him, “Honey, what do you think would be a good way to teach my kids about …?” Or have him read over the lesson plan and get his (name removed by moderator)ut on it.

Invite over and/or Introduce him to others from your parish or Sunday School circle. Make it purely social; don’t lead him to think you are ganging up on him. This could help him develop more positive views of “church” and be more comfortable in church settings.

Look for activities within your parish (not sure which you consider your “home” parish, which may be an issue in itself) that you can do together. Volunteer for an activity, a group, a project. Another way to get him involved without “forcing” church on him.

Are there adult bible study, religious ed, or other types of discussion groups at either parish? If so, invite him to have you both take part in one. Again, if he knows other people in that group, it makes it easier.

Even though he thinks prayer is “private” there are times (Lent, Advent) when family prayer and spirituality are very much in the forefront. Look for opportunities like that to pray together.

Don’t forget to express your appreciation that he goes with you to Mass, for how important it is to you.

One problem, based on his family background, may be that he was “raised” Catholic in the sense of learning a little about the faith, but has not done much with “experiencing” his faith. He has never developed deep spiritual roots. Give him the time and opportunity to do that.

Speaking of roots, participating in two different parishes, with different types of liturgies, may not be conducive to becoming a real part of either one. You may want to think about making a choice as to which parish to fully participate in. Ask him what he thinks, and about which church he would be most comfortable with. Then make the decision to make that parish your “home”.

I don’t want to change him, but I want to be a positive influence on his faith!

You are already; perhaps you are putting too much pressure on yourself, and consequently also on him.

Whatever path you take, give it time, as Clare2412 said. Don’t expect changes overnight. May your marriage and your faith journeys be blessed.

 

[Lady_Love]

Everyone is writing such great advice. I have known many women in the same position as you and I just want to warn you of a “mistake” many of the women made which prolonged their husband’s distance from their faith.

“Don’t allow it to be a problem.” Some women have made such a big deal about their husbands spiritual life (or lack there of) that it became a wedge between them. Trust that God has a plan for your husband and your marriage. Whenever there is a problem defer to God.

 

[LostSheepUK]

I would love to encourage my wife’s faith, but she is completely and vehemently anti-religion. I “found” my faith around five months ago and have been regularly attending Mass and RCIA. I have some issues to reconcile in respect of some teachings but, with prayer and the help of my Parish Priest, I am beginning to understand how God wants me to view these things.

Tonight I go back to RCIA after missing a few weeks due to illness/bad weather and she got quite angry when I told her I was going. She cannot understand how I (as a lifelong anti-Catholic and denier of God) now wants to meet with a priest and lay teachers to explore my faith.

We have a great deal wrong with our relationship, but that is a whole story on its own, but this journey is one I make on my own and she has made it clear she will not entertain my faith as a serious part of my life. I may be making the journey on my own, but I am not alone. I have some wonderful friends who support and encourage me at RCIA & I have God guiding me.

The only thing you can do is pray for them and gently encourage them to share your faith. I do this despite my wife’s opposition and hope that one day we will share Mass together and be joined in the spirit of the Lord.