How to interact with my mother?

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Although my mom and I are very different, this last half year or so I’ve made strides to improve our relationship (read: not get into arguments with her anymore). Not that we had a bad relationship anyways, but just that we used to argue a lot.

I’ve made it clear for the past few years that I am interested in making a pilgrimage to Israel. This year I am going.

I am 27 years of age, and not a dependent of my mother’s. My father stays out of it. Here’s what my mom’s opinion is (and I do not exaggerate-- in fact, I greatly reduce what she says)

You’re insane. You have a death wish. You hate me. You never loved me. You want me to die. You’re going to kill me. I don’t care about anything anymore. I should give up on everything. I should start killing everything inside me. I’ll never forgive you. I will be dead when you’re back. I should kill myself. I’m going to starve myself. If I’m alive somehow, I’ll never be the same afterwards. Etc…

I’ve never given her reasons like this to reproach me.

Knowing that in the past we used to argue, I don’t actually say anything when she goes on her tirades. There’s a lot more swearing on her part, as well. I just listen. I don’t even know what to say. For fear of starting an argument, and just because I don’t even know what to say to her, I remain silent.

What on earth can I do? I am going to Israel. My mom is not a person who I would ever say suffers from psychotic or depressive episodes. But she does react this way any time Israel is brought up.

Thanks!🙂
 
Talk you father about taking her to see a Doctor.
This is far beyond normal concern or even exaggerated worry due to the climate of the Middle East.
She needs help.
Praying for all of you.
 
I’ll tell you how it is with me: My mom’s first response to almost every new idea or proposal is NO. Her second and third response is usually also NO. This is just how she is: very cautious, usually worried; it has served her well in a strange way all her life. We, her loving adult children, have learned to make our proposals to her (a courtesy), and then just do whatever it is we have set our minds to do. We deal with the aftermath when it is over, and everything usually blows over fairly soon. She even expects it now from my more adventurous siblings.

People go on pilgrimage to Israel all the time. My pastor brings up his trip to Israel every fourth or fifth homily! You can reason with your mom, show her that it is as safe as most anything we do, but in the end, you may just have to go. It may sound flip, but don’t let her guilt trip spoil your pilgrimage trip (don’t tell her I said so - she sounds like a formidable woman!).
 
Hello 🙂

First, I applaud your desire to want to improve the relationship with your Mom and to want peace in that relationship. That intention I believe is firmly from God, and the improvement of that relationship is from the grace that God has given you both. We only get one mother, and while we certainly don’t have to agree with everything our mothers say, we are required to respect and honor our parents. Even Jesus may have disagreed with the Blessed Mother. At the wedding feast at Cana, Mary wanted Jesus to perform the miracle of turning water to wine, yet Jesus did not think it was His time. Our mothers know us best, and that can also play out in some arguments, naturally.

It seems like there are things that are stemming deeper than this than a trip to Israel. I’m sure she is naturally concerned about your safety (and perhaps could think it is foolish and a death wish) but from what you have said, her words went over the top. She was not speaking rationally (and seemingly, it sounds as though she may need some counseling to say things like that if she truly meant what she said about starving to death).

Can you let this cool off and approach her when she has a level head? You’re not going to convince her when she gets heated. Above all else, pray about it! Pray for peace, pray for the Holy Spirit to give you guidance in dealing with your Mom. Tell her in the most gentle way possible of your desire to go on this trip.

I have to say, it is very tough when our own mothers come down hard on us. Don’t forget to talk to your heavenly mother, the Blessed Mother, and tell her your feelings.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, Blessed art thou among women and Blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
 
SighGuy said:
Although my mom and I are very different, this last half year or so I’ve made strides to improve our relationship (read: not get into arguments with her anymore). Not that we had a bad relationship anyways, but just that we used to argue a lot.

I’ve made it clear for the past few years that I am interested in making a pilgrimage to Israel. This year I am going.

I am 27 years of age, and not a dependent of my mother’s. My father stays out of it. Here’s what my mom’s opinion is (and I do not exaggerate-- in fact, I greatly reduce what she says)

You’re insane. You have a death wish. You hate me. You never loved me. You want me to die. You’re going to kill me. I don’t care about anything anymore. I should give up on everything. I should start killing everything inside me. I’ll never forgive you. I will be dead when you’re back. I should kill myself. I’m going to starve myself. If I’m alive somehow, I’ll never be the same afterwards. Etc…

I’ve never given her reasons like this to reproach me.

Knowing that in the past we used to argue, I don’t actually say anything when she goes on her tirades. There’s a lot more swearing on her part, as well. I just listen. I don’t even know what to say. For fear of starting an argument, and just because I don’t even know what to say to her, I remain silent.

What on earth can I do? I am going to Israel. My mom is not a person who I would ever say suffers from psychotic or depressive episodes. But she does react this way any time Israel is brought up.

Thanks!🙂
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From what you describe, she needs a lot of help. Does she say these sorts of things normally to you or has these things been said to be over the trip to Israel? Sometimes, there is not much you as an adult can do with someone that is going off the deep end. You are probably going to have to set some kind of boundaries that have neve beed set before and realize that when you set them, she is going to go further off the rocker. If she really says these sort of things to you, you are going to have to get some gut, stand up to her and tell her that you are not going to put up with this kind of talk from her any more and let her know that when she decides to act like an adult instead of child, then you will talk.
 
SighGuy said:
Although my mom and I are very different, this last half year or so I’ve made strides to improve our relationship (read: not get into arguments with her anymore). Not that we had a bad relationship anyways, but just that we used to argue a lot.

I’ve made it clear for the past few years that I am interested in making a pilgrimage to Israel. This year I am going.

I am 27 years of age, and not a dependent of my mother’s. My father stays out of it. Here’s what my mom’s opinion is (and I do not exaggerate-- in fact, I greatly reduce what she says)

You’re insane. You have a death wish. You hate me. You never loved me. You want me to die. You’re going to kill me. I don’t care about anything anymore. I should give up on everything. I should start killing everything inside me. I’ll never forgive you. I will be dead when you’re back. I should kill myself. I’m going to starve myself. If I’m alive somehow, I’ll never be the same afterwards. Etc…

I’ve never given her reasons like this to reproach me.

Knowing that in the past we used to argue, I don’t actually say anything when she goes on her tirades. There’s a lot more swearing on her part, as well. I just listen. I don’t even know what to say. For fear of starting an argument, and just because I don’t even know what to say to her, I remain silent.

What on earth can I do? I am going to Israel. My mom is not a person who I would ever say suffers from psychotic or depressive episodes. But she does react this way any time Israel is brought up.

Thanks!🙂
Click to expand...
WOW! Major guilt, very manipulative!

She sounds like she needs counseling, medication.

Is she codependent?
 
There are also support groups for codependents, Codependent’s Anonymous (CA)…assuming it’s that. Boundaries are an issue with codependents.

If she won’t go to counseling, maybe you could, because it’s hard. If you have health insurance, it may cover it.

If one couldn’t find a CA group, Alanon has similar issues of boundaries.

Stalking, for instance, is an extreme example of codependency. She can’t be apart from you, or believes she can’t.
 
If Israel is a particular trigger for her, just don’t mention it to her.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
If Israel is a particular trigger for her, just don’t mention it to her.
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I think it’s a trigger because the OP will be far away…an ocean away, for a period of time, and she can’t withstand being apart due to the codependency.

People with codependency can actually follow through with threats, against themselves, or others. I would take it seriously.

I believe people with codependency CAN commit suicide.

She very well may need help.
 
SighGuy said:
Although my mom and I are very different, this last half year or so I’ve made strides to improve our relationship (read: not get into arguments with her anymore). Not that we had a bad relationship anyways, but **just **that we used to argue a lot.
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2 sentences later…
SighGuy said:
I am 27 years of age, and not a dependent of my mother’s. My father stays out of it. Here’s what my mom’s opinion is (and I do not exaggerate-- in fact, I greatly reduced what she says)
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Well, lets see this “greatly reduced” version of what his mother said:

You’re insane. You have a death wish. You hate me. You never loved me. You want me to die. You’re going to kill me. I don’t care about anything anymore. I should give up on everything. I should start killing everything inside me. I’ll never forgive you. I will be dead when you’re back. I should kill myself. I’m going to starve myself. If I’m alive somehow, I’ll never be the same afterwards. Etc…

:eek:

:rolleyes: Sounds like a pretty bad relationship, if you ask me!! :rolleyes:

:eek: If this is the toned-down version, then I would hate to hear the real deal!! :eek:
 
Get professional help. If she won’t go, you go so you know how to handle this.
 
Dacinom said:
You are obligated to honor your mother, however honoring someone does not mean honoring their sin and manipulations. Your mother is a special child of God, and if she is saying things like “I will starve myself” and is serious about it, chances are **she needs help, serious help perhaps from a physician. ** Saying things like that and using bad language and threating suicide is not what Jesus wants from her, she has dignity as a child of God and He wants her to be at peace and seek spiritual and other help. It would be prudent of you to suggest help that would be one way to honor her. Peace be with you and avoid the topic at all costs.
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I think she could benefit from a counselor, psychologist, and the psychologist could refer her to a psychiatrist if medication is warranted.

There is also a suicide hotline, which is for the person considering suicide AND for the others around.

suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/someone.aspx

If she continues being suicidal, she can go to a regular doctor for medication, in an emergency, during work hours. After hours, she could even get medication from a hospital.
 
It’s very sensible of you not to say anything in reply. You aren’t going to argue your mother out of her irrational fears. If she simply will not stop, say that you’re done discussing the topic; leave if you have to, or hang up the phone, or whatever. Repeat until she stops rehashing this subject.

You can’t make your mother seek professional help, so work on protecting your own boundaries in a respectful manner.
 
The phenomenon of codependency was originally discovered with children of alcoholics. They had actually coined the term “co-alcoholic”. Then, they came to see it extended to much more than just alcohol, that people with disabilities, and those in large families had a higher risk for developing this.

I think it’d be prudent for you to consider counseling, for yourself, as well, because codependency affects an entire family, is a kind of dysfunction.

Boundaries is the issue, that your family doesn’t have healthy boundaries, and you would probably need to learn how to have them, despite the codependency.

People who have addictions, of any kind, are showing a kind of codependency, not to a person, but to a substance. I believe she has a codependent relationship with you, and that’s why she behaves in what, to you, seems a way that seems totally irrational. It’s only “irrational” if you don’t understand the dynamics. Once you understand it, it makes sense.

Anyway, she might not be even to admit she has a problem at this point, but she actually really needs help in the worst way. I believe you’d also benefit from counseling to understand the dynamics of what is happening here with her, and your family. :twocents:
 
I believe she isn’t addicted to alcohol, but to you.

She, literally, has a really tough time being apart from you, that distance, and that length of time. She needs help, as do you.
 
Hi. Wow, thanks for all of the advice and feedback.

I’m sorry I posted so quickly. I didn’t really describe everything and kind of threw her under the bus with that. My mom really is a good woman. All of my friends growing up said they thought she was a great mom and even envied me because their mothers were very difficult. My mom has always been good to me and always supported me, and she never has reacted that way in my life until Israel came up two years ago.

She does however get very anxious about me, often. It is that way with her sisters as well. They are extremely anxious people. It perhaps is a great chagrin to her that I seem very carefree and it is easy for me to take up and leave for six months at a time to the other side of the US and come back whenever. I am very comfortable with not talking to people for a long time, so we are different that way (although for her sake I keep her in the loop).

Today she sent me a note and I spoke to her and she was a lot better. She had calmed down significantly. We didn’t really talk about Israel because I don’t want to approach the subject right now (I’m working very long days and am just too exhausted) She apologized a lot for what she had said. But she still has big reservations.

Codependency… that actually does sound like something she might have. She almost becomes sick over my brother and I when anything is amiss. My father has always been calm about matters, but she worries so much I feel like she’ll just burst into tears sometimes.

I need to get to bed, but I will remember to check into this.

I am contemplating very seriously joining the Camaldolese of Monte Corona, an hermitic order. No surprise, this has also been something causing her a great deal of pain. Even if I just go to Israel and she gets over it, if I enter the religious life, she probably will need counseling to deal with my decision.

Thanks so much for the advice. I will pray and I will try to let right reason guide me… I don’t tell anyone I know so that she won’t lose respect in their eyes. I will do my best. She really is and always has been a good mother. But I think counseling will wind up helping.
 
SighGuy said:
Hi. Wow, thanks for all of the advice and feedback.

I’m sorry I posted so quickly. I didn’t really describe everything and kind of threw her under the bus with that. My mom really is a good woman. All of my friends growing up said they thought she was a great mom and even envied me because their mothers were very difficult. My mom has always been good to me and always supported me, and she never has reacted that way in my life until Israel came up two years ago.

She does however get very anxious about me, often. It is that way with her sisters as well. They are extremely anxious people. It perhaps is a great chagrin to her that I seem very carefree and it is easy for me to take up and leave for six months at a time to the other side of the US and come back whenever. I am very comfortable with not talking to people for a long time, so we are different that way (although for her sake I keep her in the loop).

Today she sent me a note and I spoke to her and she was a lot better. She had calmed down significantly. We didn’t really talk about Israel because I don’t want to approach the subject right now (I’m working very long days and am just too exhausted) She apologized a lot for what she had said. But she still has big reservations.

Codependency… that actually does sound like something she might have. She almost becomes sick over my brother and I when anything is amiss. My father has always been calm about matters, but she worries so much I feel like she’ll just burst into tears sometimes.

I need to get to bed, but I will remember to check into this.

I am contemplating very seriously joining the Camaldolese of Monte Corona, an hermitic order. No surprise, this has also been something causing her a great deal of pain. Even if I just go to Israel and she gets over it, if I enter the religious life, she probably will need counseling to deal with my decision.

Thanks so much for the advice. I will pray and I will try to let right reason guide me… I don’t tell anyone I know so that she won’t lose respect in their eyes. I will do my best. She really is and always has been a good mother. But I think counseling will wind up helping.
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Or…if you go into an order, can you get one with more visitation rights, for your mother’s sake? To never see you might be a bit brutal on her even if you’re okay with that.
 
Oh, and did you realize that codependency, like alcoholism and other things, is also progressive, that it tends to get WORSE (not better) with the passage of time?
 
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