How to keep from becoming a doormat while

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offering things up.

I don’t want to go into details, but someone in my life is giving me a lot to offer up! And to be perfectly honest, tonight I felt rather upset about it.

I just feel like there is a lot of carelessness and irresponsibility going on here, and that my offering it up all the time is just sort of allowing this person to think it’s no big deal.

However, I have not always been the most responsible person around, either, so…

And my previous method of dealing with things like that was freaking out and getting mad, and I don’t think that’s so good either.

And talking about it with the person involved does nothing as I get promised the moon with no result or change.

So… I am confused and bewildered and kind of mad (trying not to be,but also feeling like enough is enough…)

Thanks for any advice you might be able to give!
 
You can’t go wrong with offering it up. Continue to do that. Offering it up and doing something proactive aren’t contradictory. You can do both.

But beyond that I don’t have enough info to give any kind of suggestions. If you are comfortable doing so post more details. But I don’t want you to feel pressure to do so. A lot of people here would want to help, others not so much.

If there anyone you trust IRL that can help you with solutions for whatever’s going on?
 
St Francis:
offering things up.

I don’t want to go into details, but someone in my life is giving me a lot to offer up! And to be perfectly honest, tonight I felt rather upset about it.

I just feel like there is a lot of carelessness and irresponsibility going on here, and that my offering it up all the time is just sort of allowing this person to think it’s no big deal.

However, I have not always been the most responsible person around, either, so…

And my previous method of dealing with things like that was freaking out and getting mad, and I don’t think that’s so good either.

And talking about it with the person involved does nothing as I get promised the moon with no result or change.

So… I am confused and bewildered and kind of mad (trying not to be,but also feeling like enough is enough…)

Thanks for any advice you might be able to give!
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I suggest that if talking about it does nothing and freaking out does nothing then, and I mean this most kindly, do the following:
  1. PUSH
    Pray Until Something Happens to bring enlightenment and understanding.
  2. LISTEN
    Let Individual State Their Experience Now
    If talking has not worked maybe you are not on the same page of understanding as to what exactly is the problem, so try to get the other person to give their version of what the problem is. Just listen openly not defensively. Try to see their reality if it differs from yours. I am assuming you are not afraid to speak out and up to the individual so intimidation of you is not a problem, is intimidation a problem for them?
  3. Consider if understanding and agreeing on the source and definition of the problem is not the issue, are you some how giving tacit encouragement for the undesired behavior?
If you would have PEACE in your lives, then Please Everyone Accept Christ’s Explanations. They are easy and simple to understand. When trials and tribulations come, as they will, if you would have PEACE in your lives then Place Everything At Christ’s Execution. Place your concerns at the foot of the Cross in the Holy sacrifice of the mass and trust God to help you find resolution and Peace in your life.
Hope this helps a little. I will keep you in prayer.
 
Hi Francis -

You know, as a cradle Catholic, over the years I’ve heard the term “offer your sufferings and your concerns to God,” but I never really knew what it meant, nor did I even know how to do, or why to do it. And besides, what else would it do, (in my mind then) but “get me off the hook” and not make me deal with the situation either? Just didn’t seem like something an able-bodied, rational (at time) human being can do without expecting some kind of negative consequence.

This year has been the hardest year I’ve ever experienced. Despite the fact that I do have a wonderfully supportive husband, great faithful devoted Catholic parents, and wonderful kids, my eldest son has been quite a handful this year and has been very disruptive in his behavior over the course of the entire year. Currently, he’s out on the streets, doing who-knows-what, because of his out-of-control behavior.

It took me a while, but when it finally got to the point where I didn’t know which end was up, I sat in church one day after daily Mass and offered my sufferings with my child to God. I prayed to Him to help me deal with this, I ask the Lord to guide me with His love and mercy, and I asked for help from Our Blessed Mother, looking to her as an example of one who had to let her own child go and do what He needed to do, even if it caused her great suffering and agony. I can’t explain to you the peace and love I have recieved after having done that, and to this day, with constant offerings to Our Lord, my emotions have stablized, knowing that things are going to happen according to God’s will.

I hope this helps you understand this. Peace.
 
There’s lots of good advice here, so far. I don’t know if my words will help anything.

This Christmas is very stressful, because a relative and I had an argument 10 months ago.

That argument consists of that person accusing me of things that happened 40 years ago, over which I had no control. This person also does not have the insight that another person was “pressing her buttons” back then.

Of course, I have lived my life independently and tried to be more than charitable to my relative. This relative’s memory does not cover those good things, only the bad things.

The current argument is simply chapter 277 in our lifelong series of arguments of how this person supposedly has been insulted and damaged all this person’s life.

My view is, I’ve tried to be a good (certainly far from perfect) relative, and my relative cannot forgive or forget anything, no matter how trivial.

The “Serenity Prayer” is attributed to St. Francis, unless I’m mistaken: “Lord grant me help to change the things I can, the courage to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.” (or something like that).

My relative’s immaturity and arrested development has gone, in my mind, from something that I thought I could change, to the second category of things that I cannot change. That realization is something that I came to this year. You might even say it is a form of despair, because I don’t believe any more that prayer or anything is going to make it change. But, that’s the way things are.

But, you are different. All I would suggest instead of trying to solve problems yourself, is to put this back on the other person. I would suggest that you confront the other person gently with this question: What’s going to make things change? What’s it going to take to get you to cheer up? What’s it going to take for that other person to start living a satisfying life?

What do they expect you to give up? What are they willing to give up? If they are not willing to do anything or change anything or give anything up, then you are in category II and you better learn to accept it.

If you are guilty of something, then admit it. And say, OK, let’s get to the sentencing phase. How do I repay you, once and for all? And, your penalty has to be something concrete that you can realistically accomplish – no crawling over broken glass all your life, for example. Punishment should fit the crime, you know what I mean?

You know? there should be a court for arguments, where there is an impartial judge, to whose judgmenet both parties will submit. Well, there is of course, Jesus Christ. What would Jesus do, once and for all?
 
Thanks everybody!
Especially for the reminders to pray–I’ve been kind of operating on the theory that if I’m offering it up, I shouldn’t “complain.” It is esp good to know that just because I’m offering it up I can also take other action.

John-the-Seeker hit it on the head: “Consider if understanding and agreeing on the source and definition of the problem is not the issue, are you some how giving tacit encouragement for the undesired behavior?” I feel like that’s what I’ve been doing in my efforts to accept. It’s very hard, in a way, because on a day-to-day basis, there’s always a reasonable reason for what’s going on, if you see what I mean.

I have to go and take care of stuff all day today, but I really appreciate everybody’s help a lot, and thanks also for sharing your experiences. Ricky, I hope things get resolved somehow, and Tonks, I can only imagine what you are going through. Broken Reed, it’s hard to give details, but I will see how to.

Thanks again!
 
St. Francis,

I want to add one little thought. If this someone in your life that you are having trouble with is a spouse, then the rules are a bit different than a parent, which is different than a child.

Let’s assume that your situation is one of “minor” things adding up. Your spouse doesn’t do the dishes or the laundry or the child rearing or the bills or keep a job or stay faithful, etc. It is tearing you apart one piece at a time. You most likely both have a destructive method of communication that is not working. You take it, take it, take it, until you get so mad that you blow up. The spouse all of a sudden gets an emotional tirade, promises to change, and then nothing is ever different. You take it, take it, take it until you get even madder. The only time you feel like you are noticed is when you are angry and throwing a fit, but that doesn’t seem to work either as it doesn’t have a lasting effect. If this is the scenario, then you and your spouse need to get into some counseling to get on the same page and agree to some set criteria regarding an effective method of communication. I heartily recommend Harvey’s book “His Needs, Her Needs” for its radical honesty policy and its description of a love bank. These nickels and dimes (and quarters) can diminish one’s love account over time to where you just don’t feel like there is anything left. But there is a way of putting money back into the account! If this is the case, then please pick up His Needs, Her Needs. Through counseling, you will be able to learn how to communicate effectively without the need for these blow-up sessions.

Now let’s assume that the situation is not minor. You are tolerating abusive behavior, alcoholism, drug abuse, etc. If you find yourself in this position, the average rules do not apply as this is not an average situation. There is NO reason to tolerate this behavior as your human dignity demands better. Again, if you and your spouse go to counseling and agree on a way to save your marriage, then there is a way to do so. It will take time, work, and effort on both spouse’s parts. If this is the case, I recommend separate counseling for you through a private counselor or a support network like al-anon.

Now let’s assume that this is not a spouse you are talking about. Perhaps it is a parent. Assuming you are not dependent on this parent, then it is probably difficult to see where one must tolerate behaviors out of respect for one’s parents and where one must draw the line. If this is the case, you must learn how to do so for your own emotional well-being, and that of any current or future spouse and children. If parents or in-laws are a problem, I recommend His Needs, Her Needs (to be able to communicate effectively with your spouse) and Susan Forward’s relevant book (Toxic In-Laws or Toxic Parents, etc) for how to draw the line with those whose positions demand respect and authority, like parents.

(continued)
 
(continued)

If this is not a spouse or parental figure, it might be someone who is your “equal,” as in a friend, roommate, or co-worker. How much work do you have to do for this person, or cash do you have to front, before you lay down the line? You have to find a way to put your foot down without squashing the other person’s head. And, in this situation, you have much more flexibility in options. You could find a more responsible roommate, complain to a boss, etc. It is not your responsibility to pull this person’s weight. If extenuating circumstances exist, you could lovingly assist the person through driving him to the unemployment office, the doctor’s office, etc or by helping him contact the appropriate agencies to get the assistance he needs.

Lastly, this might be a person to whom you are in a position of authority, like a child. If the child is dependent on you, you get to lay down the law and demand it is followed. Of course, this should be tempered with true love, charity, and concern. But you have the authority to act, and the responsibility to do so. If this child is not dependent on you, but is using you to evade personal responsibilities, then you must find a way to refuse to participate. If that means limiting babysitting, or not covering bills, etc then you (and, if applicable, your spouse) must decide on a method of dealing with the situation, together present a united front in informing the child of your new stance, and then together following through with your decision. It will not be easy, so I recommend having a support network in place for yourself. You can assist the child in the same way mentioned above for assisting a co-worker or friend, by offering to do effective help (contacting agencies, for example) and not helping to cover-up. Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime.

Lastly, no matter what situation you find yourself in, you must realize that you cannot take responsibility for another’s actions. You can only modify yourself and hope that the person will respond in kind. For how to do this effectively, I again recommend His Needs, Her Needs by Harvey. Unless, of course, the second situation is involved (abuse, drugs, etc) in which case you must seek professional assistance for yourself. And if you do everything correctly and over time the other person refuses to take responsibility, then you will know that there was nothing more you could do and that the person made a poor decision to continue this behavior when given an effective way out. You can only change yourself.

I hope my “little” thought here somehow touched on your situation and gave you a direction to look in for further guidance. Feel free to discuss what you feel comfortable with here, and also to discuss it with a spiritual director.
 
Dear friend

Jesus did not say ‘Come follow me and be a doormat’ Jesus is no doormat. We learn two things in the revelation of Christ Jesus, the dignity of each human being in Christ Jesus and when we do suffer wrongs to offer them up to Jesus as our own personal sacrifice as well as taking care of ourselves recognising the Christ Jesus within ourselves.

Offering things up does not mean we are to be doormats for everyone to tread upon and treat badly. It is not selfish to protect ourselves and those we love, it would not be prudent and it would be wreckless to place ourselves in situations that are harmful spiritually, mentally, emotionally or physically when there is an option to take where we may remain safe from such harm.

Jesus did say ‘Come follow me and take up your cross’. This means we accept what God has allowed to happen to us and with love bear wrongs in His grace and forgiveness, but that does not mean we endure wrongs without trying to protect ourselves and others, to allow that to happen would be to allow evil to thrive without trying to stop it and that is not the Gospel of Christ Jesus to allow evil to run rampant without bearing the witness to the love and kindness Christ Jesus calls us to live in our lives.

We are not to be doormats, each person possess the dignity of Christ Jesus made in His image. Each person is loved so much by God that no person has the right to treat another badly in any way shape or form, so having said all of that protect the Christ within and offer all that happens to you back to Jesus placing all things in His hands and as sacrifice for your soul and that of others, especially for those who treat you badly, this is the highest prayer you can offer upon the Altar of God at Holy Mass.

It is not a romantic image to realise we are living prayers of love and sacrifice, in this prayer we realise the extent of God’s love for all people, the true nature of evil, the need to fight the good fight and the extreme difficulty of living this prayer, this living prayer is the Gospel and nowhere in the Gospel does it ever say that we should allow evil to thrive and be a doormat to it. We must remember God is just as well as merciful. Christ Jesus was no doormat to evil, He entered into where our human hearts would have failed and fainted and by His Cross He crushed evil in Love at all times retaining His dignity. Many times Jesus made escape ‘because His time had not yet come’ so we too must make make escape and avoid evil, speak out against evil and not be a doormat to it, until we know for sure (and we will know) our time has come and then we face our own passion in which we most fully enter into the Passion of Christ.

The secret to not being a doormat to evil is to avoid sin by God’s grace, keeping the sacraments, ourselves and wherever we see an evil we speak out and act against it whilst always remembering the dignity of all people in Christ Jesus, this tempers justice with mercy and finally we place all things in the hands of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, who is truly the only Good and Holy One.

You might like to read the life of St Joan of Arc.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa
 
I just finished reading a book called The Dance of Anger by Harriet G. Lerner. It’s directed at women, but I think it’s great information for anyone.

Her basic premise is, if you change the steps of the dance, the dance can no longer continue in the same pattern. You can’t change the other person, but you can change yourself and your behavior.

I got a copy from the library and may buy a copy on e-bay. It has lots of example of various relationships and how to handle difficulties. Your feelings are important and the other person needs to know that.

—KCT
 
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