How to love your fellow man more, even when you disagree?

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Tis_Bearself

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It seems like lately there is a whole lot of disagreement between Catholics, between different political factions, between the races, also between Catholics and non-Catholics (whether the non-Catholics are advocating another religion or advocating atheism/ agnosticism or “spiritual but not religious” or whatever).

Some days I am just at my wit’s end and ready to become an anchorite in a tree trunk in the woods and never interact with people again.

I know the usual advice given:
  • listen to people even if you don’t agree (this kind of presumes the person is saying something worth listening to, but I’ll set that aside)
  • be civil and kind even if you don’t agree
  • really try to see things from their point of view
  • presume a good motive unless/ until you see otherwise
  • focus on what you have in common rather than what divides you (<—this seems to be a favorite advice given by the local priests)
  • pray for the other person (if they annoy you, it is a sign they need prayers)
  • pray also asking God to give you more patience, charity, and an open mind (but not “so open that anything can crawl right in” as the old song goes)
  • take breaks, distance yourself, if online then block/ mute/ ignore/ go offline as needed
  • try to imitate your favorite saints in how they dealt with difficult people
Has anyone got any additional strategies? This is probably a sin/ fault I struggle with most. My mother and some of her family members also struggled with it. Objectively speaking, I feel I do better than my mother with it, because my personality is a little calmer than hers was, but I’m still not where I’d like to be with it.
 
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The one thing I can think of is to interact / volunteer with people who really need help. Like at St. Vincent de Paul or something. Maybe you already do things like this, though.

It’s hard right now when everyone is isolated due to covid restrictions, so I think everyone is stretched a bit thin these days.

It’s all just going to get worse before November 3rd, I’m afraid.
 
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Definitely a good suggestion for when we are able to do that again. You’re right in that the COVID restrictions have shut down most of the volunteer opportunities.
 
Also, I think it helps to get out in nature as much as possible before fall / winter set in!
Even if it’s just yardwork, or a picturesque drive - - I always feel better when I get outside.
Do you have a pet you can walk (or borrow one)?
 
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Tis_Bearself said:
take breaks, distance yourself, if online then block/ mute/ ignore/ go offline as needed
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Take longer breaks?

That’s the first thing that popped into my head and stuck there, haha. If you’re already doing everything else, and especially if much of the disagreement and bother you’re exposed to is something it’s possible to take an extended break from (like the Internet, as opposed to a family member)… I might try extending such ‘breaks’, if it’s a feasible option.

Also just, prioritizing. Learning to accept every area of disagreement that isn’t salvation-crucial. That may still leave plenty of area for disagreement… but for me, learning to let go (at least for now) and prioritize on a person-to-person level. (Easier with people we know in real life rather than online, this one.) Letting go of everything but the most serious (and I mean eternal-salvation serious) differences. At the moment I don’t even engage in temporal politics conversations with loved ones. I just listen, and keep my eyes and ears open for an opportunity to speak about something more productive.

Basically if it’s online, I’d recommend longer breaks or more distance/ignoring.

If it’s in person I’d suggest re-evaluating priorities and learning to accept every difference with a smile, short of salvation-specific issues.

And always asking myself, “What does this person need?” Again easier in person, but at least in person I find focusing on this question changes my interactions massively, in terms of how I approach each person. It helps me overlook surface issues to see underlying issues that are actually what need to be addressed (such as fear of being unloved, frustration at feeling unheard or rejected). And when I address the underlying issue, surface issues suddenly start to melt away. We don’t necessarily agree on surface things immediately – but the degree and tone of disagreement is suddenly much less jarring and unpleasant.
 
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MNathaniel said:
And always asking myself, “What does this person need ?” Again easier in person, but at least in person I find focusing on this question changes my interactions massively, in terms of how I approach each person.
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That’s an interesting approach. So many people seem to “need” attention or “need” to win an argument or to be “right”.
 
Another thing I thought of is to just do something nice and encouraging. Drop off flowers / goodies at a nursing home, police station, women’s shelter, youth center, Boys & Girls Club, etc. Support local people who are working with a cause that’s close to your heart!
 
Tis_Bearself said:
presume a good motive unless/ until you see otherwise
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I have to take exception with this particular point.
Unless / until you see is a subjective thing.

If you are talking with someone whose POV is radically different than your own, that subjective judgement on your part may not be accurate.

For instance…
I have been in discussion with some that I have found lying. I could interpret that to mean they do not have best interest in mind.
But later found they believed the stakes were so high that they believed dishonesty worth it to get the point across.

They simply did not realize honesty is always best.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
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MNathaniel:
And always asking myself, “What does this person need ?” Again easier in person, but at least in person I find focusing on this question changes my interactions massively, in terms of how I approach each person.
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That’s an interesting approach. So many people seem to “need” attention or “need” to win an argument or to be “right”.
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I think in the experiences I’m thinking of, the needs as it appears to my eyes at least (if I’m really prayerfully asking God to help me meet their needs) have been more towards “needing attention” (of some customized kind) than actually “needing to be right” (though that’s how they may act). The underlying issue being more something like… needing to feel that their position has actually been heard and understood and appreciated for its good points. Not even because the position or argument is the important thing, but because they have a history behind this argument, a history of being a person, who has felt misunderstood or silenced or disregarded (etc). And they want to feel understood, accepted, respected, etc.

And it’s the person I’m trying to look at, and what they need as a person. Whatever the topic may be (politics, etc) becomes simply matter or an opportunity for me to help give them what they need at that point: an opportunity to be heard and not reacted to badly. To be experientially loved even (perhaps especially) when they may realize they’re acting unlovable.

I’m not saying on the surface people don’t still think they have a ‘point’ worth arguing about. I’m more just saying, from my perspective the way I’m trying to approach otherwise difficult interactions lately (especially in real life) is to ask God: “What does this person need?” and try to look below the surface of their agitation, belligerence, defiance, fear. Etc. And not necessarily say upfront that’s what I’m doing (could come off condescending), but trying to respond with those things in mind.

Things like, does this person have close friends? Do they feel listened to? Do they feel misunderstood? Do they expect to be interrupted or talked down to? Does this person feel bitter and uncompassionate towards others because of feeling others have been uncompassionate towards them? Etc.

I mean there’s a huge range of possibilities. I clearly have certain examples in my own mind that may not apply across circumstances. I’m just suggesting based on what’s helped in my own circumstances. Trying to look past what’s being said on the surface, to the person underneath who’s saying it.
 
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Tis_Bearself said:
Has anyone got any additional strategies?
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All of the advice you listed is focused externally. None of it really gets at the root of why we get annoyed in the first place.

Why would other people’s opinions bother us?

When we observe ourselves, we can discover that we become bothered by other people’s opinions when we become identified with our own opinions. That is, we develop a false equivalency between our thoughts and our selves, between our ideas and who we are. This is a delusion.

When we develop this false equivalency, then when we encounter ideas that are contrary to those we have identified with, we feel (subconsciously) that we are the ones under attack. But that is not true. No one is thrusting knives into our hearts. Only our ideas are being attacked, but we feel wounded or annoyed because we have identified ourselves with our thoughts.

So if we want to short-circuit the feeling of offense, we need to break the false identification that gave rise to it.

Also, a few comments on specific advice you listed:
Tis_Bearself said:
pray for the other person (if they annoy you, it is a sign they need prayers)
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It is good to pray for the other person, though I would argue that if they annoy you, you need prayers, not them.

We have ultimate control over our own minds. If someone else annoys us, it is because we have ceded that control to another person and allowed them to influence our mental state. If this has happened, it is our own fault. We need strength and wisdom to remedy the situation.
Tis_Bearself said:
take breaks, distance yourself, if online then block/ mute/ ignore/ go offline as needed
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In my entire life, I have never had to block, mute, ignore, “unfriend,” or “unfollow” anyone.

I have listened to people, in person, go on tirades many hours long, spewing a seemingly endless supply of pseudoscience, conspiratorial nonsense, and partisan political sludge. I do not recall any time when I have felt the need to distance myself from those people, nor any time when they were able to perturb my mental equanimity.

If we selectively remove stimuli that make us uncomfortable, we remain ignorant of the internal factors that cause us to be uncomfortable (as I was describing earlier), and those factors continue to exist within us. It is necessary to experience that agitation and annoyance in order to discover its source and root it our from our mind.

I do however, recommend taking breaks and going offline. It is not enough to discover that we carry the mental habits and delusions that allow interactions with others to foster non-charitable thoughts in our minds. We must also spend substantial time in introspection, prayer, and meditation to learn the roots of those mental habits and delusions and free ourselves from their grasp. And you definitely can’t do that while you’re on the Internet or talking to someone else. 🙂
 
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I think it is a discernment thing. Let’s face it, some people are better at patient endurance than others. Personally, I would be like St Jerome, easy to lose my cool, so I prefer to walk away when the disagreement gets heated.
 
Dan_Defender said:
Personally, I would be like St Jerome, easy to lose my cool, so I prefer to walk away when the disagreement gets heated.
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Exactly. It’s better for both me and the other person to just do that. It’s healthier IMHO. I too am very St. Jerome-ish.

But I think some of the other suggestions about doing something charitable for someone in need, and not necessarily the specific controversial person, are ways to focus on positives rather than negatives. When one sees disagreeable people all day long, it’s easy to start thinking that humanity in general is disagreeable, and that’s not a good attitude for a Christian to have. So it’s important to counteract that.
 
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Tis_Bearself said:
When one sees disagreeable people all day long, it’s easy to start thinking that humanity in general is disagreeable, and that’s not a good attitude for a Christian to have. So it’s important to counteract that.
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Yes, and I think this is why some great saints opted to become hermits and avoid everyone for a while. Not that it is applicable today, but sometimes less interaction is a good thing.
 
When I’m on these forums and I see so many different opinions and interpretations, and especially those with which I do not agree, I wonder how it is we can both look at the same issues or documents and reach such different conclusions. I know many of us tend to cherry-pick to support our cause, including or excluding only those facts or passages that help support our argument. I know, because I’ve done it myself.

When it comes to politics, I think most of us have some sort of agenda, something we hope to gain by adhering to the positions we hold. Our goals might be quite noble and altruistic, or more self-centered, like trying to improve or preserve our way of life. Most likely I think they are a combination of both. I know my motives range from selfless to selfish, and I suspect it is the same with all of us.

This is what keeps me from getting too angry or worked up over our online squabbles. We are all just people, all of us hoping to gain something or just get through life. When it comes to politics, do any of us truly come here hoping that someone else will change our minds? I know I don’t. I have my preconceived notions and values, and for the most part I see it is the same with everyone else here.

Yes, sometimes I feel the need to make my views known. Then perhaps I’ll see “likes” from people that agree with me. Those who do not agree with me must feel that they are just as much in the right as I do.
 
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I find that I have less trouble with what we actually disagree on and more trouble with how people are willing to talk to their fellow man. It’s like I find kindreds on both sides of various issues and I find people I become set against on both sides of various issues. It comes down to the amount of care they use in communicating.

The only tool I can think of is to have some go to scriptures to meditate on. The ones from yesterday seem helpful. Either yesterday’s unforgiving servant or I really liked the wording in Sirach. “Could anyone nourish anger against another and expect healing from the LORD?
Could anyone refuse mercy to another like himself, can he seek pardon for his own sins?
If one who is but flesh cherishes wrath,
who will forgive his sins?”

Something else I try to do, which hasn’t come easily because some women used the Temperaments as an excuse to be just awful to me earlier this year, is consider how differently we are wired. Some people’s go to is people over principles. Some people’s go to is principles over people. And we relate to conflict to differently. Some people are drained by it. Some people are enlivened by it. While no one should be a slave to their nature, considering just how different our natures are helps me be a little more understanding and sometimes, but not usually, a little less wounded.
 
My mother conveyed an old adage a few times, with regard to similar matters. In an argument, it is better to be defeated by someone smart than to defeat someone stupid.
 
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