How to love...

[ma61]

A family member is very angry with me. I have spoken very gently (mostly in email so I can measure my words carefully) to her expressing my concern for her marriage to a man who is predatory. This is a lifetime pattern of hers. She seems to be deliberately misunderstanding my grave concerns and thinks I am judgemental and discriminatory. She does not want to talk to me. How do I love her now? How does love manifest itself when there is estrangement? When we see eachother it seems like I will be making false happy talk. I do pray for her. I must admit I am uncomfortable at the thought of seeing her.

 

[wllmjoseph]

First I would like to say that I believe it is awesome that you love this person enough to send an email in which you expressed you concerns. That had to be very difficult for you but the fact that you did it speaks volumes to the fact that you love this family member enought to go out of a limb. If I were in your situation I would respect her decision not to communicate with you at the present time. I would continue to pray for her fervently as you are already doing. Every so often I would reach out to her just to let her know that you love her and that you will always be there for her when she needs you. Eventually she will percieve the true nature of this person that she is in a relationship with. Once that happens it is important that she knows that will be there to help her. I hope this helps.

 

[aspirant]

I have spoken very gently (mostly in email so I can measure my words carefully) to her expressing my concern

While I understand your reasoning, I would not have advised this course of action. In my experience, the written word is often more easily misinterpreted than that which is spoken in person, especially when the topic is something as sensitive as this. I know it’s already done, and I do not intend this as a criticism because your intention was clearly a good one, I’m just mentioning it as something to consider in the future.

She does not want to talk to me. How do I love her now? How does love manifest itself when there is estrangement?

For the time being, respect her desire not to communicate directly. Continue to pray for her, as you say you are doing. If anyone else in your family asks you about what happened, perhaps having heard something from her, you might say something like “I am afraid we had a regrettable misunderstanding,” do not blame her exclusively, and don’t try to tell anyone else she knows the whole story from your perspective (save that for friends and other possible advisors who don’t know her). If you find yourself in her presence, e.g. at a family gathering, smile and greet her, but do not say more unless she approaches you. If she approaches you, respond considerately. You may even, if there seems to be an opening, wish to apologize that there has been some misunderstanding. Those are my ideas, anyway. Other people may have better advice.

 

[Bezant]

A family member is very angry with me. I have spoken very gently (mostly in email so I can measure my words carefully) to her expressing my concern for her marriage to a man who is predatory. She seems to be deliberately misunderstanding my grave concerns and thinks I am judgemental and discriminatory.

To be fair, in the future it might be better to speak to her as directly as possible – if not face-to-face, then over the telephone. Most of the communication people take in is actually non-verbal (e.g., tone of voice, body language) and not content. Email allows you to weigh your words and avoid an argument, but the non-verbal cues are lost, so it’s possible that your message looked harsher than you intended. Never fret over spilled milk, though.

This is a lifetime pattern of hers. She does not want to talk to me. How do I love her now? How does love manifest itself when there is estrangement?

The best you can do is help her move in a better direction – whether or not she follows, that’s up to her. Keep your distance if she ignores you, but make it clear to her that your door is open should she change her mind.

When we see each other it seems like I will be making false happy talk. I do pray for her. I must admit I am uncomfortable at the thought of seeing her.

Yeah, it will, but at least you confronted her instead of dancing around the issue. Maybe you planted a seed.