How to respond when your called a prude?

[The_Old_Maid]

How do I respond when others call me a prude? Is there a difference between being a prude and being respectful and having morals?

My boyfriend of under a year, gets frustrated when I tell him I don’t want him touching my butt or breasts and when I pull away when he tries or I removed his hands.

Also,

I’m upset about both. I wrote my original post asking for a way to respond back when he calls me a prude, and well anyone in general too actually, due to the fact that I follow certain morals and values they find too conservative, outdated and oppressive.

Personally, that line upthread of “buddy, you’re about to call me your ex” is awesome. With awesome sauce on top.

Jesus is “outdated?” Pfft. There’s “outdated” and there’s “timeless.”

He told me he once told his friends and they gave him a hug and condolences? Saying they felt bad for him.

Humans running in packs reinforce each other. No wonder you feel overwhelmed. You’re not just wrestling with one man’s lust, you’re being surrounded by all of them.

Where are your friends? Why aren’t they backing you? Is he isolating you from people who are concerned, and who might try to help you?

As for your family to whom he is so “sweet” and they “love” him, tell them: "If you love him so much, you marry him."

Tell them also, "Um, Dad, what kind of touching and things would make you want to punch a man if he touched Mom, your wife? Because that’s the touching he’s doing to me."

Ask your family, also, flat out, if you have their support. They should have a problem with someone fondling their daughter.

I’m not a touchy person and he thinks that since I warmed up to holding hands, him continuously trying to touch my butt or kiss my breasts, or taking my hand and placing it on his butt (I pull it away immediately) will help desensitize me and warm up to that kind of touch. Despite the fact that I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with that and don’t believe people should be touching each other that way until marriage.

“Desensitize,” huh? Trying to position himself as your therapist, is what it sounds like. If you want one that badly, see a real one. Because he’ll be positioning himself as your sex therapist if you don’t slam the door on his fingers. Today, if possible.

I also get uncomfortable when he makes dirty comments and makes references about his male anatomy and shamelessly admits when thinking about me gives him a, excuse my language, a really hard erection.

He knows, he knows. In a sense, you guard your purity like a faithful nun. If defiling that sort of person gets him “hot,” his personal tastes probably aren’t going to change. And if that doesn’t squick you out, your boundaries need emergency floodwater sandbags.

His friends also have told me to loosen up and enjoy life, you only live once.

Wrong. We live twice: once here, and once in Heaven or Hell.

If he or his friends giggle at this, run. People don’t have to believe in Hell to go there.

And why would you enjoy letting someone ruin you?

I tell them I’m not compromising my values and that there’s a difference between being a prude and having respect for my body and my boyfriends

Those words are excellent. If you’ve said those words and they haven’t worked, this guy is not for you.

Yes, words can hurt. But which words would hurt more? Prude, or [practioner of whoredom]?

Tell the guy "it’s my soul, it’s my body, and it’s my life."

We also have had disagreements on the idea of premarital sex. My boyfriend believes it’s ok and I believe it shows lack of morals and disrespects the person your with, as well as shows a lack of respect for yourself. As your giving your body to someone without being committed to them for life, while he thinks boyfriends and girlfriends can be committed to each other and have sex, raise a family and still have morals and respect for themselves.

Sounds like he wants to keep his options open until something he likes better comes along. That’s why he wants the milk without buying the cow.

A man who truly loves a woman will want to marry her and get her off the market. Sounds lie this guy’s just looking for free samples at the A&P.

Bottom line:

The original poster says this fellow is sweet when he is with her family, and sweet when he is not putting pressure on her. There is no such thing as dating part of a person. There never was. There never will be. There is no such thing.

Appeal: “You’re a [mean word, like prude but probably worse.]”
Reply: “I consider the source.” or, “You’ll be calling me your ex is a minute.”

Appeal: “Everyone else is doing it.”
Reply: “Then you won’t have any trouble finding someone else.”

Appeal/threat, “Well, then, maybe I will! Find someone else! I’ll do it!”
Reply: “Lose my number. Bye.”

…

[Songs that have lyrics you can borrow: My name is No; [URL='http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/l/lorrie_morgan/what_part_of_no.html']What part of No don’t you understand? and of course, Holy, Holy, Holy.

Sorry, kiddo. You picked a snake. Go back to the pond and catch a better fish.

 

[St_Pancake]

People rarely change. Very rarely. He very likely, right now as good as he will ever be. You can’t change him. When someone changes, those are what are called miracles. It would be foolish to plan on one happening for you because countless are the numbers of people marring someone they think they can change and live a frustrated life.

If this pushy fellow that won’t respect your morals and seemingly has adopted the world’s lack of morals, what you see as your future? He’s unlikely, (like 1 in 10,000) to ever get any better. He’s probably, right now, as good as he will be and chances are, he will only get worse. If that isn’t what you want for your future, Run Away!

 

[HelenRose]

Say, “Goodbye.”

 

[Allegra]

Even agnostic women would tell you that a guy who touches a woman who has expressed that she doesn’t want to be touched is a creep. Unload the creep.

 

[SusanneT]

How sad that a Catholic girl who values her purity should even begin to see herself as a prude.

My own experience is that a man who truly loves you will be even more keen to respect you and value your purity than you will.

 

[AdamP88]

Being called a prude is probably the least of your worries with this guy.

If he treats you like this now and can’t control his appetites now, what makes you think he’d be any different if you married him.

Basically he doesn’t respect that you have strong beliefs about saving sex and sexual touches for marriage, so he’s holding out that you’ll cave and give up your beliefs in order to have sex with him.

The solution is simple.

Dump him.

 

[CRATUS]

People rarely change. Very rarely. He very likely, right now as good as he will ever be. You can’t change him. When someone changes, those are what are called miracles. It would be foolish to plan on one happening for you because countless are the numbers of people marring someone they think they can change and live a frustrated life.

If this pushy fellow that won’t respect your morals and seemingly has adopted the world’s lack of morals, what you see as your future? He’s unlikely, (like 1 in 10,000) to ever get any better. He’s probably, right now, as good as he will be and chances are, he will only get worse. If that isn’t what you want for your future, Run Away!

Sadly.

 

[Reepicheep]

I agree with the general thoughts in this topic but this seems to go too far. While the moral conscience may be ill formed on some topics of sexual decency, that doesn’t necessarily extend to going so far as cheating, which the individual might place on an entirely different level.

Even if he doesn’t go off to have sex with other women, he shows plenty of signs that he’ll abuse the woman he does have.

 

[ArielRussu]

Hi, OP here. Forgot to update everyone.
I’m not with him anymore. Thanks for all the advice.

 

[EasterJoy]

Hi, OP here. Forgot to update everyone.
I’m not with him anymore. Thanks for all the advice.

Good job. You’ll both be happier if you don’t try to force a mismatch to work!

With the next guy, stick up for your own right to draw your own boundaries and speak your mind. Your forthrightness and clarity ought to be considered a good quality by a good fellow. He won’t always agree with you, but a good man will always want to know where your boundaries are and what is important to you.

 

[AdamP88]

Hi, OP here. Forgot to update everyone.
I’m not with him anymore. Thanks for all the advice.

Good call.

 

[Rosebud77]

Wish I could give cute advice but no

DUMP HIM!

amen to that! Seething here! The nerve of the craytur,

 

[Rosebud77]

“When you say I’m a prude, I interpret that to mean I have high moral standards. Yes, I do. Thank you for noticing.”

Exactly. It is a compliment …

 

[Rosebud77]

Yes. I said I left the CATHOLIC Church, I did not say I renounced my faith and belief in God. I’m nondenominational Christian, and as a believer in God, Jesus Cheist and the Bible, I do still have morals and respect for myself and others. Besides, like I said before, when I first wrote this thread I was looking for ideas to respond back to someone calling me a prude for my religious beliefs and anyone who believes premarital sex and sexual touching before marriage is wrong would be able to help, doesn’t matter if they’re: Catholic, Protestant, Baptist, Lutheran, Orthodox, etc… All those religions are still found under the same branch of Christianity and we’re all people and one belief doesn’t make any one group better than the other. Everyone worships God differently.

Good girl and well said.

 

[Rosebud77]

Hi, OP here. Forgot to update everyone.
I’m not with him anymore. Thanks for all the advice.

Well done and thank you for updating … Good luck

 

[SuperHappy]

First of all, I would like to say that you are not a prude. Let’s get it straight. You are a young Christian woman who expects to be treated with respect. You have good morals and values.

Second of all, your boyfriend is not a respectful person. If you tell him that you are not comfortable with being touched in certain ways and he continues to do so, that is disrespect and borderline abuse. Your body is yours and it is your absolute right to place limits on how and when you would like to be touched. He should not continue this behavior and call you names to shame you into allowing him access to you.

In my opinion, he is not a good match for you. He doesn’t value or respect your morals or believe the same things that you do. If you continue, this will not turn out well. It would be better to cut this off now than to wait. There are boys out there who would love to meet a girl like you and who would respect you and appreciate your good values.

Praying for you!

 

[Mr_Friscus]

How do I respond when others call me a prude? Is there a difference between being a prude and being respectful and having morals?

My boyfriend of under a year, gets frustrated when I tell him I don’t want him touching my butt or breasts and when I pull away when he tries or I removed his hands. He told me he once told his friends and they gave him a hug and condolences? Saying they felt bad for him. I’m not a touchy person and he thinks that since I warmed up to holding hands, him continuously trying to touch my butt or kiss my breasts, or taking my hand and placing it on his butt (I pull it away immediately) will help desensitize me and warm up to that kind of touch. Despite the fact that I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with that and don’t believe people should be touching each other that way until marriage. Plus, holding hands is not the same as touching someone’s butt, holding hands isn’t sexual. I also get uncomfortable when he makes dirty comments and makes references about his male anatomy and shamelessly admits when thinking about me gives him a, excuse my language, a really hard erection.

His friends also have told me to loosen up and enjoy life, you only live once. I tell them I’m not compromising my values and that there’s a difference between being a prude and having respect for my body and my boyfriends, they and my boyfriend say there’s no difference, your religious and not open to sexual touching or talk with your boyfriend/girlfriend or it makes you uncomfortable, you’re a prude.

We also have had disagreements on the idea of premarital sex. My boyfriend believes it’s ok and I believe it shows lack of morals and disrespects the person your with, as well as shows a lack of respect for yourself. As your giving your body to someone without being committed to them for life, while he thinks boyfriends and girlfriends can be committed to each other and have sex, raise a family and still have morals and respect for themselves.

He’s agnostic. I’m Christian.

Your morals are superior to his, just as they should be, as you are Christian and he is agnostic.

“Loosen up and enjoy life” means to lower your standards for moral behavior. They are uncomfortable being around someone who doesn’t partake in their worldview on the topic, and especially someone who does what is much more difficult, to refrain from physical pleasures.

They don’t respect you, or your faith. They want you to leave it, not in name, but in action. They selfishly want you to conform to them, and aren’t taking your desires and standards into considerations.

While I don’t subscribe to Christian music as being “worship”, an excellent verse by DC Talk from the song “Jesus Freak” certain fits:

The high and lofty, they see me as weak
Because I won’t live and die, for the power they seek

Find someone who respects you, respects your religion, and wants you to be happy and succeed where you want to.

 

[Mike1955]

My father, who turned out to be a very wise man, once told me that men are on their good behavior before they’re married.

What he meant by that is that if a guy realizes you can easily walk away, he’ll treat you better.

If this is your boyfriend’s good behavior, I shudder to think how he’ll treat you if you marry him and he thinks you can’t walk away all that readily.

Obviously you are uncomfortable with him. Why put up with all this discomfort? Walk away . . . no, make that run away and join a Christian club where you can meet a man who will respect you.

Very well put! This “man” is simply trying to get what he wants without regard to your feelings. Once he has you legally and religiously committed to him, who knows what his conduct will be like!!! Dump him. Do NOT give in and betray your convictions.

I will pray for you!

 

[SusanneT]

Exactly. It is a compliment …

I agree it is a compliment !

By the way everyone note that the OP has had the very good sense to end the relationship.

 

[chevalier]

How do I respond when others call me a prude?

Not by engaging in whatever conduct they may be hoping to shame or challenge you into with their talk.

Don’t let it get to you. Those people get to you with stinging words because they have no other way. You’re a sensitive, decent human being, so it naturally matters to you how others see you and how you affect their lives. But they don’t have the right or power to judge you or anything else like that. If you lack their approval, you don’t miss out on anything critically important in your life.

Is there a difference between being a prude and being respectful and having morals?

Yes, but let’s get some perspective first: being a prude, even if you actually were, would hardly be a serious character flaw.

My boyfriend of under a year, gets frustrated when I tell him I don’t want him touching my butt or breasts and when I pull away when he tries or I removed his hands.

I’m not saying you need to dump a guy on his first offence, but he needs to learn his morals and his manners and also respect your choice not to engage in what is supposed to be consensual behaviour. If he isn’t making any progress, or if he outright refuses to even try, dump him.

That particular guy, and I won’t waste space recounting his exploits, is bad news and you need to dump him, though. He’s not necessarily a bad person, he probably has some redeeming qualities that made you want to be with him in the first place, but one doesn’t need to be an altogether bad person in order to just be bad boyfriend material. And he looks to me like a mannerless sexfreak anyway. (I’m saying this from a traditional perspective, not feminist psychobabble nonsense.) Don’t condemn him, but he just isn’t good for you the way he is now.

Next, you’re spot on when you point out the difference between being a touchy-feely sort of person — the kind of guy that would hug you about 10 times more often than you’d otherwise like, hold hands, walk arm-in-arm etc. — versus going for genital areas (including secondary) and sexual touching. Actually, that’s a distinction which should normally be clearer to a man than to a woman, not blurrier. Men are inclined to forget themselves and do things like turn a kiss into a makeout session, but they know the difference between hugging and groping.

And start hanging out with Catholic men. Gentlemen. If only to see the difference. Doesn’t even have to be romantic or dating. Just see how they treat their wives, sisters, daughters, other women. Watch some films, read some books, ask older women. If you fell for that guy, you clearly haven’t seen what the world has to offer. Don’t for a second be deluded into thinking his behaviour is normal for men.