How to say No mercifully?

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Butterflylily

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First of all, thanks to this forum for helping me get through tough times. I’m out from an abusive relationship last year. With the strength and support from my kids, a consult with a priest, happened to be a canon lawyer, psychologist, guidance from God, I have seen miracles unfolding in front of me. I meant literally. Now I have forgiven him, working with him to be better parents in 2 separate household. My kids never been happier, more calm, more relax. God has provided me more blessings that I have never imagined during this past few months. My kids are more at ease with their dad too. I thought all along he has changed, trying to move on, he decided during the course of our D process, to purchase a house, he was initially approved without of course discussing with me. However a day that he is to sign the contract hi application got rejected. Now his loan officer and his realtor (maybe), is trying to tell him that it is a good idea that I will be in d loan and after that I will just file a quit claim but it still stays on my credit report. The loan officer even talked to me to convince me that it’s the right thing to do financially. I said no .
But now, he is telling me that I am greedy and selfish of leaving him alone on this. I’m getting stressed and kinda guilty that maybe I am, but my spirit is restless if I would agree. I’ve tried to explain but he is not understanding me at all. He thinks its the best for the kids
So now, I am not sure if my saying no is a merciful move, rather how do you say no mercifully?
 
If you tried to explain already-just say no, sorry I can’t do this.
If you have a divorce lawyer, refer this to the lawyer if you need to and have the lawyer tell him.
 
mommy_k said:
If you tried to explain already-just say no, sorry I can’t do this.
If you have a divorce lawyer, refer this to the lawyer if you need to and have the lawyer tell him.
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Butterflylily,

I agree with mommyk’s post. I think that you should definitely let your lawyer know/handle this.
 
You’re received good advice here.
The abuse continues. They are trying to bully you into taking care of his financial matters for him.
A simple NO should suffice, but I would definitely get my attorney to draft a letter on his firm’s letterhead stating unequivocally, NO.
Yeah.
Get help on this one. And don’t back down. God bless you. it’s tough, I know.
 
Butterflylily said:
So now, I am not sure if my saying no is a merciful move, rather how do you say no mercifully?
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No is no.

You do not owe an explanation. You do not owe him ANYTHING. He is back to his old manipulative ways. Talk to your therapist and your lawyer.

Do what is best for YOU, not for HIM.
 
Butterflylily said:
First of all, thanks to this forum for helping me get through tough times. I’m out from an abusive relationship last year. With the strength and support from my kids, a consult with a priest, happened to be a canon lawyer, psychologist, guidance from God, I have seen miracles unfolding in front of me. I meant literally. Now I have forgiven him, working with him to be better parents in 2 separate household. My kids never been happier, more calm, more relax. God has provided me more blessings that I have never imagined during this past few months. My kids are more at ease with their dad too. I thought all along he has changed, trying to move on, he decided during the course of our D process, to purchase a house, he was initially approved without of course discussing with me. However a day that he is to sign the contract hi application got rejected. Now his loan officer and his realtor (maybe), is trying to tell him that it is a good idea that I will be in d loan and after that I will just file a quit claim but it still stays on my credit report. The loan officer even talked to me to convince me that it’s the right thing to do financially. I said no .
But now, he is telling me that I am greedy and selfish of leaving him alone on this. I’m getting stressed and kinda guilty that maybe I am, but my spirit is restless if I would agree. I’ve tried to explain but he is not understanding me at all. He thinks its the best for the kids
So now, I am not sure if my saying no is a merciful move, rather how do you say no mercifully?
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NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.

Sorry for the brevity, but that one really sets off the alarms.

Also, all of the people advising you to do this are nuts.

I listen to a lot of Dave Ramsey (the personal finance guy) and I have heard of very similar cases that went sour, and I know exactly what is wrong with the idea: they are urging you to put your name on a mortgage loan for a house then take your name off of the deed for the house. If you followed that advice, you would find yourself owing money for a house you don’t have any claim on. It’s not like you could then sell the house if he stopped making payments after you did a quit claim…You would have no recourse at all.

In any case, people in the middle of divorces should not be buying houses.

Best wishes!
 
Xantippe said:
they are urging you to put your name on a mortgage loan for a house then take your name off of the deed for the house. If you followed that advice, you would find yourself owing money for a house you don’t have any claim on. It’s not like you could then sell the house if he stopped making payments after you did a quit claim…You would have no recourse at all.
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Agreed. THIS IS A SCAM. Your husband is trying to screw you.

Don’t do it!!!
 
Xantippe said:
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.

Sorry for the brevity, but that one really sets off the alarms.

Also, all of the people advising you to do this are nuts.

I listen to a lot of Dave Ramsey (the personal finance guy) and I have heard of very similar cases that went sour, and I know exactly what is wrong with the idea: they are urging you to put your name on a mortgage loan for a house then take your name off of the deed for the house. If you followed that advice, you would find yourself owing money for a house you don’t have any claim on. It’s not like you could then sell the house if he stopped making payments after you did a quit claim…You would have no recourse at all.

In any case, people in the middle of divorces should not be buying houses.

Best wishes!
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1ke said:
Agreed. THIS IS A SCAM. Your husband is trying to screw you.

Don’t do it!!!
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^^^^👍 In addition I would report his realtor to the state licensing board in your state as well as the loan officer. Both must be licensed in your state and fall under laws & regulations. I can’t say if what they are doing is illegal or not but it is unethical.
 
Butterflylily said:
I thought all along he has changed, trying to move on, he decided during the course of our D process, to purchase a house, he was initially approved without of course discussing with me. However a day that he is to sign the contract hi application got rejected. Now his loan officer and his realtor (maybe), is trying to tell him that it is a good idea that I will be in d loan and after that I will just file a quit claim but it still stays on my credit report. The loan officer even talked to me to convince me that it’s the right thing to do financially. I said no.
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If a grown man can’t get a loan because he is a credit risk, why on Gods green earth would he put you in a position to take the fall for his messes. He is one of two things… a selfish fool or plain devious.He may see it as a way of keeping you in line with the threat of defaulting.
But now, he is telling me that I am greedy and selfish of leaving him alone on this. I’m getting stressed and kinda guilty that maybe I am, but my spirit is restless if I would agree. I’ve tried to explain but he is not understanding me at all. He thinks its the best for the kids
So now, I am not sure if my saying no is a merciful move, rather how do you say no mercifully?
Click to expand...
Oh he understands you alright. Trying to explain to someone who fakes some lack of understanding is a typical bully technique on his part. You’ve just got to remain succinct, calm and absolutely unbending. He can’t control you anymore. If he becomes too bothersome you might even have to call the police for advice.
 
Horton said:
^^^^👍 In addition I would report his realtor to the state licensing board in your state as well as the loan officer. Both must be licensed in your state and fall under laws & regulations. I can’t say if what they are doing is illegal or not but it is unethical.
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Indeed.
This is highly unethical.
 
Butterflylily said:
…he is telling me that I am greedy and selfish of leaving him alone on this. I’m getting stressed and kinda guilty that maybe I am, but my spirit is restless if I would agree. I’ve tried to explain but he is not understanding me at all. He thinks its the best for the kids
So now, I am not sure if my saying no is a merciful move, rather how do you say no mercifully?
Click to expand...
You say “no” firmly, without drama, without arguing, and without caving into guilt trips and name-calling. You could remind him that you are separated now, and your financial lives need to be kept separate, too. It is probably best to just say, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but that is not the way I see it. I’m not going to co-sign on a loan with you.” Repeat as necessary; don’t invite a rebuttal by giving counter-reasons that you are right and he is wrong. It is your signature; he has to sell you on the deal. You don’t have to sell him on the alternative where you don’t sign. You can make that decision all by yourself, and he doesn’t have to like it.

I think your priest is the person to walk you through this and keep you from being distracted by name-calling and other kinds of manipulation.

By the way, it is no mercy to get someone into a loan that the bank does not think he ought to have.

PS – I agree with everyone who says that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU SIGN THIS. It is based on a deception! Avoid it as you would flee from sin. It is a trap, whether or not it ever springs before you get out. Even if you get out without harm (not a given by any means), you will have lied to the lender. Do not lie to the lender by signing this. That resolve will probably help you the most to stay firm.
 
Dacinom said:
Disclaimer: I am not an attorney, however if I were you I would double-check because my understanding is that quit-claim is what you sign for forfeit all rights/claims to the property. A quit-claim does NOT excuse you from the loan itself. Otherwise people could sign a quit-claim anytime they wanted to get out of loan responsibility! Therefore if you follow their advice you will be “on the hook” for his house payments all while not having any claim to the property. (again, please double-check)

Being a co-signer is only prudent if you can pay the loan yourself 100%, and this goes for co-signing loans for friends, family, children or anyone. Reason being when you co-sign you are responsible for payments! This is great when the perople you are helping are working, unfortunately if you co-sign for anyone if that person breaks their let, gets a bad flu, hurts their back in a car accident, or God forbid passes away you are responsible and if you can’t afford the payments you are in huge trouble.

Can you afford two house payments? Yes, it would be nice if your children have another home to stay at but he can’t afford it so it’s not possible at this time. Sorry you are going through this. Please be assured of my prayers.
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This is what I found morbidly amusing. He’s asking OP to assume the credit risk whilst giving up any claim to ownership. Not a good idea. Forget charity here, just tell him no way.
 
I thought the whole point of a divorce was so that you were no longer legally or financially obligated to each other? I think any kind of “no” is merciful enough, however, I would encourage a “heck no!”
 
Thank you to all of you. Since I said no I’ve seen his colors coming back. Too long to enumerate here in just a matter of 2 days. I am glad God is guiding me through. I’ve gone to confession yesterday when my spirit was so restless. Now I am more peaceful and calm. I’m trying to avoid conversation with him as much as I can, he is beginning to go back to his “sweet side”. I’m happy with my decisions. "heck ,NO ".
 
Butterflylily said:
…Since I said no I’ve seen his colors coming back…
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Oh, I bet you have. Hang in there, and whenever he sows the seeds of self-doubt, re-connect to those who have your best interests at heart: your pastor and your friends.
 
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