How to show honor my parents?

[AubrieG]

A little back ground… I’m 25 years old, live on my own and am getting married in 2 months!! My fiance is catholic and I’ve been taking RCIA and will join the Church this Easter, thanks be to God My parents are devotedly protestant, and very against my joining the Church…
At our wedding we intend to celebrate the Eucharist, which my parents won’t be able to do with us. They are very hurt by this, and feel like we are not being considerate of their feelings in the situation. My fiance and I have agonized over the decision, but seeing as the Eucharist vital to our faith we can’t imagine not having Christ as part of our ceremony. This morning my mother said she feels I am not honoring them as my parents as I plan our wedding.
Does anyone have thoughts on how I can show them honor as my parents while being faithful to my new calling into the Catholic Church?

 

[Della]

First of all pray for them. It really makes things much better.

If the parish lets non-Catholics and others not disposed to receive communion come forward with their arms crossed over their chest, then your parents could do that. It’s not necessary that people do that who are not receiving and it’s not part of the GIRM, but many parishes allow/practice it because their bishops allows it.

The other thing is to set up a meeting with your parents and the priest. If they can talk to him and see that he’s very like their own minister it may help them to let go of some of their misconceptions about the Church.

In any case, just let them know that you love them as your parents and that you love Jesus above all things. That by becoming a Catholic you are not turning your back on them or the good things they taught you, but rather you are fulfilling your faith by entering the Church Christ founded. Be loving and patient no matter what come of your efforts to make them feel better about your marriage and your reconciliation with the Church.

God bless you all. You have my prayers.

 

[robertkchacon]

First , honoring your parents does not mean doing or believing everything your parents do.

You honor them by being a wonderful Christian Catholic. When you practice your Catholic faith as a faithful loving follower of Christ you show them gratitude and love for the faith in which they raised you.

Perhaps a small gift and a letter to them explaining to them how much you love them and are grateful that they loved you and the Lord so much to raise you in Christ. And that your Catholicism is not a rejection of them but for you honors them by bringing you even closer and more faithful to Christ, which I am assuming the reason you are entering the Church.
At the reception or some other time you may even want to say a few words to that effect if you think they will take it in the manner you mean it.

God bless! Congrats on your marriage and entering the Church.

 

[CatholicRaven]

First, congratulations on your upcoming wedding and your entrance into the Church!!

I am sorry that your mother is making you feel guilty about what should be a wonderful day. I would guess she’s struggling both with what she sees as your “rejection” of her religion, and letting you “loose” to go create your own family outside of hers (though still a part of it). Perhaps you could do something special to honor your parents during the wedding ceremony to help them feel more included and respected. Your priest would be able to tell you what kinds of options are available to you–perhaps giving both mothers roses, or inviting both sets of parents to light a candle with you or something like that?

It may also help somewhat if you explain to them that Communion is NOT the same thing in the Catholic Church as it is in many Protestant churches. Communion is not just about fellowship and sharing a meal; it’s not just a symbol. Asking them not to receive Communion is not about trying to exclude them or dishonor them, it’s both about honoring God, and protecting your parents from making a false public statement (also see 1 Cor 11:28-29).

See, if they were to receive the Eucharist, they would be claiming to be in communion with the Catholic Church and in a state of grace (which means either they have not mortally sinned at all, or they have not mortally sinned since receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation). It would be the same as if they were saying to God and to all present, “We agree with the Catholic Church and everything it teaches–including that this IS the real Body and Blood of Our Lord Jesus Christ.” Is that really a statement they are ready to make, publicly and in front of God? (And if they really believed that statement, they would also understand that they would need to join the Church first, in order to properly receive.)

And, though I can understand your mother’s feelings, I have to point out that honoring/obeying Christ is more important than honoring/obeying your parents, if it comes down to making a choice between the two (and I don’t think your mother realizes she’s basically asking you to make that choice).

I think generally, though, we human beings tend to confuse “honoring” someone with “not hurting their feelings,” and that wouldn’t be entirely correct. You can honor and respect someone, and still disagree with them. You can honor and respect someone’s opinion, and still make a different choice than the one they want. And even when you do your best to honor them and do what’s right, you may still hurt someone’s feelings.

That said, it’s not an easy situation that you are in, and I will pray for you and for your parents.

 

[Demetra2]

Best wishes to you on your upcoming wedding and congrats on becoming Catholic. I also married a Catholic and eventually converted but it took me 29 years! I am very happy for you that you are eager to convert so early in your marriage. Like you, I had parents who were uneasy about me marrying a Catholic. This is a difficult situation to be in but I encourage you to get a handle on it right away before things begin to fester. I like the idea that all of you meet with the priest and have your mother’s questions answered. Also the idea of going up for a blessing instead of the Eucharist should help to satisfy her. These are good options for your wedding. If your mother is complaining about a lack of involvement try to include her in some other neutral decisions. It may be that what she is really upset about is that you are converting. Please get this out in the open before or shortly after the wedding because it can cause many problems if a parent gets passive aggressive but never admits to the real problem. You will have to be firm but respectful in your resolve to convert and hopefully your parents will be at peace with it.

 

[vsedriver]

It may also help somewhat if you explain to them that Communion is NOT the same thing in the Catholic Church as it is in many Protestant churches. Communion is not just about fellowship and sharing a meal; it’s not just a symbol. Asking them not to receive Communion is not about trying to exclude them or dishonor them, it’s both about honoring God, and protecting your parents from making a false public statement (also see 1 Cor 11:28-29).

See, if they were to receive the Eucharist, they would be claiming to be in communion with the Catholic Church and in a state of grace (which means either they have not mortally sinned at all, or they have not mortally sinned since receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation). It would be the same as if they were saying to God and to all present, “We agree with the Catholic Church and everything it teaches–including that this IS the real Body and Blood of Our Lord Jesus Christ.” Is that really a statement they are ready to make, publicly and in front of God? (And if they really believed that statement, they would also understand that they would need to join the Church first, in order to properly receive.)

Great answer! This is exactly what you need to do. When I had family say the same to me when I got married this is what I said. When I asked if they believed in all the Church taught they of course said no. Then I said to take communion when you don’t believe in being ‘in communion’ with the church is a lie before God and before all those who witness you going to communion.

They still weren’t happy but were better able to accept it.

 

[tawny]

First, congratulations on your upcoming wedding and your entrance into the Church!!

I am sorry that your mother is making you feel guilty about what should be a wonderful day. I would guess she’s struggling both with what she sees as your “rejection” of her religion, and letting you “loose” to go create your own family outside of hers (though still a part of it). Perhaps you could do something special to honor your parents during the wedding ceremony to help them feel more included and respected. Your priest would be able to tell you what kinds of options are available to you–perhaps giving both mothers roses, or inviting both sets of parents to light a candle with you or something like that?

It may also help somewhat if you explain to them that Communion is NOT the same thing in the Catholic Church as it is in many Protestant churches. Communion is not just about fellowship and sharing a meal; it’s not just a symbol. Asking them not to receive Communion is not about trying to exclude them or dishonor them, it’s both about honoring God, and protecting your parents from making a false public statement (also see 1 Cor 11:28-29).

See, if they were to receive the Eucharist, they would be claiming to be in communion with the Catholic Church and in a state of grace (which means either they have not mortally sinned at all, or they have not mortally sinned since receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation). It would be the same as if they were saying to God and to all present, “We agree with the Catholic Church and everything it teaches–including that this IS the real Body and Blood of Our Lord Jesus Christ.” Is that really a statement they are ready to make, publicly and in front of God? (And if they really believed that statement, they would also understand that they would need to join the Church first, in order to properly receive.)

And, though I can understand your mother’s feelings, I have to point out that honoring/obeying Christ is more important than honoring/obeying your parents, if it comes down to making a choice between the two (and I don’t think your mother realizes she’s basically asking you to make that choice).

I think generally, though, we human beings tend to confuse “honoring” someone with “not hurting their feelings,” and that wouldn’t be entirely correct. You can honor and respect someone, and still disagree with them. You can honor and respect someone’s opinion, and still make a different choice than the one they want. And even when you do your best to honor them and do what’s right, you may still hurt someone’s feelings.

That said, it’s not an easy situation that you are in, and I will pray for you and for your
parents.

Well stated.

 

[robwar]

A little back ground… I’m 25 years old, live on my own and am getting married in 2 months!! My fiance is catholic and I’ve been taking RCIA and will join the Church this Easter, thanks be to God My parents are devotedly protestant, and very against my joining the Church…
At our wedding we intend to celebrate the Eucharist, which my parents won’t be able to do with us. They are very hurt by this, and feel like we are not being considerate of their feelings in the situation. My fiance and I have agonized over the decision, but seeing as the Eucharist vital to our faith we can’t imagine not having Christ as part of our ceremony. This morning my mother said she feels I am not honoring them as my parents as I plan our wedding.
Does anyone have thoughts on how I can show them honor as my parents while being faithful to my new calling into the Catholic Church?

Is most of your family Protestant and his Catholic because the thing you might have to consider here is that if you have the wedding as a Mass, only one half of those in attendance are able to receive. Is that the kind of message you want to send your family (not just your parents)? A sacramental wedding doesn’t have to be a Mass. Even though you will be a new Catholic and able to receive, weddings are suppose to bring families and communities together and if one half of those there can’t participate, it might be better to rethink this more broadly than your parents who are already upset. I don’t think it is as much about “honoring” your parents but what kind of message of inclusion do you want to have with the rest of your family and friends for the rest of your life. You do have the rest of your life to attend Mass with your husband but a wedding is a one time shot and it might be the wiser to think more broadly about the wedding. I would discuss this with your priest.

 

[Della]

Is most of your family Protestant and his Catholic because the thing you might have to consider here is that if you have the wedding as a Mass, only one half of those in attendance are able to receive. Is that the kind of message you want to send your family (not just your parents)? A sacramental wedding doesn’t have to be a Mass. Even though you will be a new Catholic and able to receive, weddings are suppose to bring families and communities together and if one half of those there can’t participate, it might be better to rethink this more broadly than your parents who are already upset. I don’t think it is as much about “honoring” your parents but what kind of message of inclusion do you want to have with the rest of your family and friends for the rest of your life. You do have the rest of your life to attend Mass with your husband but a wedding is a one time shot and it might be the wiser to think more broadly about the wedding. I would discuss this with your priest.

I can’t agree with this. Firstly because there is nothing wrong with wanting a wedding Mass even if one of the families can’t receive communion. The rest of the Mass is merely prayers and a homily–just what they’d have in a Protestant service. And why should this new Catholic have to give in to petulant demands that she conform to their wishes? Whose wedding is it? This is a grown woman getting married not a children graduating from middle school. The families should be doing all they can to make this a happy occasion instead of trying to emotionally blackmail the bride into giving up the kind of wedding she and her fiancé wish to have. If she doesn’t set boundaries now her parents and her family will be demanding she meet their expectations for the rest of her life. No. That’s not how it works. And yes, I’d be saying the same thing if they were getting married in a Protestant church, providing they had the dispensation by his bishop with a priest or deacon there. The Church is more than willing to do that, so why should this couple have to bow to the overly sensitive feelings of her family? Her family should know from the outset that this is not their marriage, it’s the couple’s marriage. It can be done nicely and with charity, of course, but it has to be done so this couple can have the marriage they want not the one others want for them.

 

[SushiFan]

Can you include them in the ceremony by having them do one of the readings or prayers of the faithful? The priest at my wedding allowed my Protestant relative to do that at our wedding. She was honored to be asked.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

I can’t agree with this. Firstly because there is nothing wrong with wanting a wedding Mass even if one of the families can’t receive communion. The rest of the Mass is merely prayers and a homily–just what they’d have in a Protestant service. And why should this new Catholic have to give in to petulant demands that she conform to their wishes? Whose wedding is it? This is a grown woman getting married not a children graduating from middle school. The families should be doing all they can to make this a happy occasion instead of trying to emotionally blackmail the bride into giving up the kind of wedding she and her fiancé wish to have. If she doesn’t set boundaries now her parents and her family will be demanding she meet their expectations for the rest of her life. No. That’s not how it works. And yes, I’d be saying the same thing if they were getting married in a Protestant church, providing they had the dispensation by his bishop with a priest or deacon there. The Church is more than willing to do that, so why should this couple have to bow to the overly sensitive feelings of her family? Her family should know from the outset that this is not their marriage, it’s the couple’s marriage. It can be done nicely and with charity, of course, but it has to be done so this couple can have the marriage they want not the one others want for them.

I really don’t think this is the issue here. I could be wrong as only the OP knows her family. I speak as a Catholic convert and the ONLY Catholic in my family. I would not have a wedding Mass because I do think that it is important to be inclusive of my family. I’m not saying that is the right answer for the OP but I’m saying that a wedding is a special time that IMO should be inclusive of the families and not just the couple. I think the OP should talk to her Priest about how best to overcome difficulties with her family surrounding the faith. I still attend church with my family occasionally with the blessing of my spirtual director. I think its important that we don’t come to snap negative judgements about the family that will encourage behavior that will cause a longterm riff.

 

[robwar]

I really don’t think this is the issue here. I could be wrong as only the OP knows her family. I speak as a Catholic convert and the ONLY Catholic in my family. I would not have a wedding Mass because I do think that it is important to be inclusive of my family. I’m not saying that is the right answer for the OP but I’m saying that a wedding is a special time that IMO should be inclusive of the families and not just the couple. I think the OP should talk to her Priest about how best to overcome difficulties with her family surrounding the faith. I still attend church with my family occasionally with the blessing of my spirtual director. I think its important that we don’t come to snap negative judgements about the family that will encourage behavior that will cause a longterm riff.

Thank-you, that is what I was trying to say. That is what we did with our wedding 28 years ago. It’s too easy for the bride and groom to think of just what they want and not see the bigger picture with both families and long term possible riffs etc. I am not saying what they should or should not do but look at the bigger picture of both families together.

 

[robwar]

I can’t agree with this. Firstly because there is nothing wrong with wanting a wedding Mass even if one of the families can’t receive communion. The rest of the Mass is merely prayers and a homily–just what they’d have in a Protestant service. And why should this new Catholic have to give in to petulant demands that she conform to their wishes? Whose wedding is it? This is a grown woman getting married not a children graduating from middle school. The families should be doing all they can to make this a happy occasion instead of trying to emotionally blackmail the bride into giving up the kind of wedding she and her fiancé wish to have. If she doesn’t set boundaries now her parents and her family will be demanding she meet their expectations for the rest of her life. No. That’s not how it works. And yes, I’d be saying the same thing if they were getting married in a Protestant church, providing they had the dispensation by his bishop with a priest or deacon there. The Church is more than willing to do that, so why should this couple have to bow to the overly sensitive feelings of her family? Her family should know from the outset that this is not their marriage, it’s the couple’s marriage. It can be done nicely and with charity, of course, but it has to be done so this couple can have the marriage they want not the one others want for them.

Uhm, take a deep breath here. I was a very new convert marrying a Catholic and that is what we did at our wedding. It is a perspective to consider and it isn’t being blackmailed by anyone. Whether one wants to think of it or not. weddings are suppose to bring families together, not divide them. When one family is of one faith a apposed to another, it might be the wiser and for the long term the rethink a Mass.

 

[maryjk]

Uhm, take a deep breath here. I was a very new convert marrying a Catholic and that is what we did at our wedding. It is a perspective to consider and it isn’t being blackmailed by anyone. Whether one wants to think of it or not. weddings are suppose to bring families together, not divide them. When one family is of one faith a apposed to another, it might be the wiser and for the long term the rethink a Mass.

I agree.

I also didn’t have a full Mass for my wedding.

It would have been just too divisive.

 

[Della]

Uhm, take a deep breath here. I was a very new convert marrying a Catholic and that is what we did at our wedding. It is a perspective to consider and it isn’t being blackmailed by anyone. Whether one wants to think of it or not. weddings are suppose to bring families together, not divide them. When one family is of one faith a apposed to another, it might be the wiser and for the long term the rethink a Mass.

It really depends on how much pressure and what kind is being brought to bear on the couple. If it’s just a matter of misunderstanding and misgivings, I agree, but if it’s a case of “you’ll do what we want or we’ll never speak to you again” kind of attitude, then boundaries need to be set. It’s one thing to be considerate, it’s another thing to cave to belligerence and bullying, if that’s the case. Just saying.

 

[MomaMary8]

It’s been a long time since I’ve gone to a wedding, so I can’t remember if this is still done…

My husband & presented flowers to both our mothers (I think it was after our vows) and then took a rose to the statue of the Blessed Mother. It was our way of thanking/ honoring our parents and our Heavenly Mother. Perhaps you could do something similar?

 

[robwar]

It really depends on how much pressure and what kind is being brought to bear on the couple. If it’s just a matter of misunderstanding and misgivings, I agree, but if it’s a case of “you’ll do what we want or we’ll never speak to you again” kind of attitude, then boundaries need to be set. It’s one thing to be considerate, it’s another thing to cave to belligerence and bullying, if that’s the case. Just saying.

I didn’t have any pressure, it just was a choice my husband and I decided to do in order to be more inclusive and not exclusive. My mother was a Catholic convert herself so it wasn’t a matter of excluded her but looking at the bigger picture of things. It isn’t going to be less of a wedding if it doesn’t have a Mass connected to it. If there are family members that are this upset about her becoming Catholic and marrying one, they probably are not going to show anyway whether it is a Mass or not. My sister, a Baptist went to a Catholic wedding of a work friend where her parents were so upset they didn’t even come to the wedding. Now that is pretty sad and pathetic and causing life long hurts which are pretty tough to get over. But just having a wedding without the nuptual Mass might be more of a bridge builder with them later on. It might pave the way for them at other sacraments that come up like baptism, 1st communion etc (with children). I hope Op, will speak about this with the priest in considering the bigger picture, long term bridge building etc and so on.

 

[Della]

I didn’t have any pressure, it just was a choice my husband and I decided to do in order to be more inclusive and not exclusive. My mother was a Catholic convert herself so it wasn’t a matter of excluded her but looking at the bigger picture of things. It isn’t going to be less of a wedding if it doesn’t have a Mass connected to it. If there are family members that are this upset about her becoming Catholic and marrying one, they probably are not going to show anyway whether it is a Mass or not. My sister, a Baptist went to a Catholic wedding of a work friend where her parents were so upset they didn’t even come to the wedding. Now that is pretty sad and pathetic and causing life long hurts which are pretty tough to get over. But just having a wedding without the nuptual Mass might be more of a bridge builder with them later on. It might pave the way for them at other sacraments that come up like baptism, 1st communion etc (with children). I hope Op, will speak about this with the priest in considering the bigger picture, long term bridge building etc and so on.

All true, I’m very happy your situation worked so well for you. I know people whose families are the type that no matter what the situation they have to have it their way or they make trouble. I’m not saying you or the OP have this problem, but some do. And I can tell you that no matter what compromises for the sake of peace might be made in such cases it’s never enough, so one may as well have what one wants since it would make no difference anyway. In such cases boundaries have to be set or the couple will be constantly conceding on every decision of their lives, and that’s no way to start a marriage.

 

[Bklynguy]

I can’t agree with this. Firstly because there is nothing wrong with wanting a wedding Mass even if one of the families can’t receive communion. The rest of the Mass is merely prayers and a homily–just what they’d have in a Protestant service. And why should this new Catholic have to give in to petulant demands that she conform to their wishes? Whose wedding is it? This is a grown woman getting married not a children graduating from middle school. The families should be doing all they can to make this a happy occasion instead of trying to emotionally blackmail the bride into giving up the kind of wedding she and her fiancé wish to have. If she doesn’t set boundaries now her parents and her family will be demanding she meet their expectations for the rest of her life. No. That’s not how it works. And yes, I’d be saying the same thing if they were getting married in a Protestant church, providing they had the dispensation by his bishop with a priest or deacon there. The Church is more than willing to do that, so why should this couple have to bow to the overly sensitive feelings of her family? Her family should know from the outset that this is not their marriage, it’s the couple’s marriage. It can be done nicely and with charity, of course, but it has to be done so this couple can have the marriage they want not the one others want for them.

Agree with this post 100%. It is true that you don’t have to have a nuptial Mass to make the wedding valid. However, if the bride and groom wish there to be a nuptial Mass, that is all that should matter. Giving into emotional blackmail is not a good precedent to set as it could cause more problems in the marriage.