How to spread the Good News about a bad marriage?

[Fogwalker]

This lady at work travels frequently for her job, often going out of town for months at a time. At home, she has several hobbies that occupy a large chunk of her free time. Recently, she confided in me that her and her husband, who have been married a long time, don’t “have that spark” anymore, and, after months of secular counseling, mutually and amicably decided that they should get divorced.

At the time when my coworker said that “that spark” started to fade away, I know for a fact that she was investing her time into work and hobbies instead of her marriage. Years later, she finds herself with this huge gulf between herself and her husband. Instead of giving up her job and hobbies, ignoring feelings of love-gone-stale, and toughing out years of trying to repair a marriage that took years to drift apart, they are calling it quits after a few months of counseling and zero changes in lifestyle.

My coworker is a practicing Catholic, and we occasionally discuss faith during break time. Part of me wants to speak up and remind her that Christ’s model of unconditional love and sacrifice is the only path to happiness in this situation, not her current model of love conditional on feelings and an aversion to sacrifice. Another part of me thinks that doing so would not only be ineffective but cause my coworker to never speak to me again.

The first time she brought this up, I expressed gratitude that there was no animosity between them, praised their attempt at counseling, and supported her suggestion that they would seek an annulment later. If it comes up again, what should I say, if anything?

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Perhaps you could suggest they go to a Catholic marriage counsellor and/or Retrouvaille, Maybe she could also get some spiritual direction in order to see how to follow God’s will in this situation.

I’m pretty amazed that people expect ‘the spark’ to last a lifetime.

 

[heidi_storage]

Yes; perhaps I am being arrogant (only two years of marriage, both wonderful), but it does seem incredible to me that people accept “drifting apart” or lack of “spark” as a reason to divorce. You cannot divorce your brother, can you, even if you don’t get along with him or some painful, extraordinary circumstance makes you cut off contact? How then can you divide your own flesh?

You are both in the same faith, so I think you might be permitted to bring this up with your coworker. If she makes it clear that your opinions are unwelcome, though, don’t persist; she and her husband must make their own choices. You can always pray for her.

 

[Catholic1954]

This lady at work travels frequently for her job, often going out of town for months at a time. At home, she has several hobbies that occupy a large chunk of her free time. Recently, she confided in me that her and her husband, who have been married a long time, don’t “have that spark” anymore, and, after months of secular counseling, mutually and amicably decided that they should get divorced.

At the time when my coworker said that “that spark” started to fade away, I know for a fact that she was investing her time into work and hobbies instead of her marriage. Years later, she finds herself with this huge gulf between herself and her husband. Instead of giving up her job and hobbies, ignoring feelings of love-gone-stale, and toughing out years of trying to repair a marriage that took years to drift apart, they are calling it quits after a few months of counseling and zero changes in lifestyle.

My coworker is a practicing Catholic, and we occasionally discuss faith during break time. Part of me wants to speak up and remind her that Christ’s model of unconditional love and sacrifice is the only path to happiness in this situation, not her current model of love conditional on feelings and an aversion to sacrifice. Another part of me thinks that doing so would not only be ineffective but cause my coworker to never speak to me again.

The first time she brought this up, I expressed gratitude that there was no animosity between them, praised their attempt at counseling, and supported her suggestion that they would seek an annulment later. If it comes up again, what should I say, if anything?

Say nothing. Her marriage is her business and if she and her husband have decided to end it, then there is nothing you can add to change that. You can however learn from her situation and apply what you learned to own life.

 

[Fogwalker]

Say nothing.

I agree that saying nothing may be the wisest course of action in the end. But I am confused about the explanation that follows.

Her marriage is her business

If this woman was not my coworker but was my mother or daughter, then her divorce would deeply affect me and my family and I would be not only entitled but expected to share my thoughts about it with her and her husband. In real life, of course, she is not part of my family, but she is not a stranger, either. Are you saying that you don’t think a friend from work is a close enough connection to bring this into the territory of “my business”? If so, then I understand where you are coming from. But I read this as more of a blanket statement that no one should intercede with friends in relationships, and I do not agree with that blanket statement.

and if she and her husband have decided to end it, then there is nothing you can add to change that.

Again, I’m not sure what you were shooting for here. If you meant that there are no magical words that I can say to this woman that will inspire her to fix a decade of marriage issues, then I agree with you 100%. But “nothing” is a very strong word. At the very least (or perhaps the most), I can pray for them, and God can do everything for them if He chooses. Surely there are also things I do that could influence them indirectly? Modeling a solid marriage in my own marriage? Encouraging the woman’s truly close friends to speak up for their marriage? At the very least i would pray for them, my original post is really querying folks like you about how much additional action is appropriate in this situation.

You can however learn from her situation and apply what you learned to own life.

Agreed.