How to stop obsessing over a person?

[Joybearer]

My dear sisters and brothers in Christ

I have a question that I hope I can get a Catholic views with. I am currently obsessed over a girl and realized that it is very unhealthy to my spiritual life and life in general. I had always prayed and prayed to God that I will obtain her companionship but I won’t do anything as much as to ask her out. I am in the same church ministry with her so it’s difficult for me to forget about her.

The secular websites and friends have given typical advice like dating more women, increasing dating/social skills to get her, quit the ministry because the saying of “out of sight, out of mind”.

The obsession is so serious that I always blame God for not doing anything to help me and me liking the idea of her distracts me from truly and sincerely worshiping and adoring God. She got attached once and it tore me apart so much that I did not attend Mass for a long period of time.

I also do not wish to quit the ministry because I cherish the friendships that were forged in there. But I’m not able to take any instance of her becoming attached again as it will drive me in depression and hopelessness.

I apologize for the lengthy description but I hope you, my dear Catholic friends here can lend a helping hand to help me out of this situation and direct me to a godly approach.

Thank you.

 

[Celtic_Maiden]

My dear sisters and brothers in Christ

I have a question that I hope I can get a Catholic views with. I am currently obsessed over a girl and realized that it is very unhealthy to my spiritual life and life in general. I had always prayed and prayed to God that I will obtain her companionship but I won’t do anything as much as to ask her out. I am in the same church ministry with her so it’s difficult for me to forget about her.

The secular websites and friends have given typical advice like dating more women, increasing dating/social skills to get her, quit the ministry because the saying of “out of sight, out of mind”.

The obsession is so serious that I always blame God for not doing anything to help me and me liking the idea of her distracts me from truly and sincerely worshiping and adoring God. She got attached once and it tore me apart so much that I did not attend Mass for a long period of time.

I also do not wish to quit the ministry because I cherish the friendships that were forged in there. But I’m not able to take any instance of her becoming attached again as it will drive me in depression and hopelessness.

I apologize for the lengthy description but I hope you, my dear Catholic friends here can lend a helping hand to help me out of this situation and direct me to a godly approach.

Thank you.

Do many Holy Hour’s as this is a temptation of the Devil, and it wont be the first one. Stay close to Christ by fasting and praying, and pray for your friend that the Lord will send her a good husband or that she will become a nun, whatever His Will is for her, try and try to put her out of your mind, when she comes into your mind, think of the Lord and what He means to you and all that you went through to be His, Pray and Fasting. I will also keep you in my prayers, as I am now doing as I write this. May Our Lady’s shawl be always around your shoulders. :bowdown:

 

[bsroufek]

Don’t give up on God and chastity. Keep praying and don’t let anything keep you from ministry. The Devil is very crafty but you can defeat him if you continue to resist him.

 

[EasterJoy]

Pray to God, but row away from the rocks, friend.

If you keep hanging around her and suffer because you won’t ask her out, don’t blame God for that! Thank yourself, because it is suffering of your own making! The devil doesn’t even have to do any work…he can just sit on a cushion and smirk at you, because you’re doing all his work for him!

Either ask her out or else find something else to think about whenever you start thinking about her. Also, accept the reality that not everything nor everyone you desire is destined to drop into your lap because God loves you. If you want to have the consolation offered by God, you have to seek to desire God alone. Why would you think you can put someone else in as the goddess in your life and then expect God to send you consolations?

I don’t mean to be hard on you, because nothing is more common to humanity than to drive ourselves to suffering over our unmet desires. This obsession doesn’t make you unusual. What is really counter-productive, though, is to expect someone outside of you to move to help you when you aren’t willing to help yourself. Who will keep you from being burned, when you refuse to draw your own seering hot hand out of the fire? You were given pain receptors for a reason, which is to prompt you to act on your own behalf when you are in harm’s way. Don’t override the pain and then complain when harm comes to you, that is all I am saying. Be realistic, and take action accordingly, being willing to suffer gladly for the natural consequences of the choices you make for yourself. Above all, choose something worth the suffering that comes with it. This obsession definitely does not meet that standard, for it pains you greatly and gains you absolutely nothing.

The girl might be hoping you’ll ask her out. She might like you as a friend but not want to be a romantic interest. You might start easy, by asking a group of friends from your ministry to go out socially, and including her. That will help you figure out if your interest might become reciprocal, and will allow her to explore the relationship in relative safety…that is, she can look into whether you might be a romantic possibility without wrecking your friendship if the answer is negative.

If you make a try for her and fail, it is not the worst thing in the world. What you’re doing now is worse, trust me on that. Do you want to find out from her 15 years from now that she would have never married someone else if she had dreamed you were interested in her? That’s a possible outcome of your current strategy. Actually marrying her is not. “The coward dies a thousand times; the brave man dies but once.”

 

[RoseMary131]

. I am currently obsessed over a girl …I had always prayed and prayed to God that I will obtain her companionship but I won’t do anything as much as to ask her out. I am in the same church ministry with her…

I always blame God for not doing anything to help me and me liking the idea of her distracts me from truly and sincerely worshiping and adoring God. She got attached once and it tore me apart so much that I did not attend Mass for a long period of time.

… But I’m not able to take any instance of her becoming attached again as it will drive me in depression and hopelessness.

I’m not sure I understand what you are saying. Is this it…

There is a girl in the same church ministry as you, who you think about a lot. You pray that God will bring you two together as companions.

You choose not to ask her out on a date.

You blame God that you choose not to ask her out.

You are distracted from proper worship of God because you are attracted to this girl.

She was attached to you… it upset you… you quite going to Mass for awhile.

You don’t want her to be attached to you again.

You will feel depressed and hopeless if she is attached to you again.

Why do you pray for God to make you companions? It sounds like you don’t want her to be your companion.

 

[eggsbenedictine]

My dear sisters and brothers in Christ

I have a question that I hope I can get a Catholic views with. I am currently obsessed over a girl and realized that it is very unhealthy to my spiritual life and life in general. I had always prayed and prayed to God that I will obtain her companionship but I won’t do anything as much as to ask her out. I am in the same church ministry with her so it’s difficult for me to forget about her.

The secular websites and friends have given typical advice like dating more women, increasing dating/social skills to get her, quit the ministry because the saying of “out of sight, out of mind”.

The obsession is so serious that I always blame God for not doing anything to help me and me liking the idea of her distracts me from truly and sincerely worshiping and adoring God. She got attached once and it tore me apart so much that I did not attend Mass for a long period of time.

I also do not wish to quit the ministry because I cherish the friendships that were forged in there. But I’m not able to take any instance of her becoming attached again as it will drive me in depression and hopelessness.

I apologize for the lengthy description but I hope you, my dear Catholic friends here can lend a helping hand to help me out of this situation and direct me to a godly approach.

Thank you.

If you like her, ask her out if you are both single…I’m confused as to what the issue is here.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m not sure I understand what you are saying. Is this it…

There is a girl in the same church ministry as you, who you think about a lot. You pray that God will bring you two together as companions.

You choose not to ask her out on a date.

You blame God that you choose not to ask her out.

You are distracted from proper worship of God because you are attracted to this girl.

She was attached to you… it upset you… you quite going to Mass for awhile.

You don’t want her to be attached to you again.

You will feel depressed and hopeless if she is attached to you again.

Why do you pray for God to make you companions? It sounds like you don’t want her to be your companion.

I think he was upset because the young woman was attached to someone else, not to him, and he was forced to stand by and watch because she was someone else’s girlfriend and he wanted to be decent about the situation and not try to step in on someone else’s courtship of her.

 

[Joybearer]

Thanks for all the replies

I thank you most, EasterJoy for the candid response. However, there are many factors preventing me from making my move, one of the biggest fear is the sense of awkwardness after I ask her out and gets rejected. She was the one who brought me into this ministry and knowing myself, I would most likely quit the ministry if such a situation is to occur.

I’m not the most alpha of males and I do understand where you’re coming from. You’re right that this is a very common problem and as pointed out by Eggsbenedict the solution seems apparent and clear cut. Just the massive lack of guts in doing it.

Just one thing, I don’t understand what all of these have anything to do with the devil’s work. I can easily quit and join another ministry which probably wouldn’t stop me from advancing the kingdom of God here on Earth. Just that I cherish the friendships forged and don’t wish to forgo them so easily.

Thanks a lot, CelticMaiden for the prayer. I really appreciate it.

God bless you, all who have offered help, advice and prayers. I’m still relatively young so sometimes it’s difficult for me to have a “just-do-it” mindset. It’s that I almost need a step-by-step instruction manual to do it.

 

[Joybearer]

I think he was upset because the young woman was attached to someone else, not to him, and he was forced to stand by and watch because she was someone else’s girlfriend and he wanted to be decent about the situation and not try to step in on someone else’s courtship of her.

That is absolutely correct.

 

[Baelor]

That is absolutely correct.

Ask her out. If you feel you cannot, pray that you are given the strength to ask her out. That is the only option you have left yourself – you have said that you will not leave the ministry, and that you will become maudlin and despondent if she is attached. What other option is there? You can pray to forget about her, but it seems rather obvious that your relationship has extended beyond what is healthy and is now in a state of tension that must be released in some way. While you should pray that your feelings be tempered (because they are very extreme), it is unlikely that they will simply go away, and I cannot imagine that you would be experiencing them if God did not intend it in some way (I do not think He would plague you with this only to remove it completely).

Also, it is odd to me that you feel you would cease to be friends with those you have met in the ministry if you quit it. Why would you not do things outside of the ministry? Surely you do now, if they are good friends?

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks for all the replies

I thank you most, EasterJoy for the candid response. However, there are many factors preventing me from making my move, one of the biggest fear is the sense of awkwardness after I ask her out and gets rejected. She was the one who brought me into this ministry and knowing myself, I would most likely quit the ministry if such a situation is to occur.

I’m not the most alpha of males and I do understand where you’re coming from. You’re right that this is a very common problem and as pointed out by Eggsbenedict the solution seems apparent and clear cut. Just the massive lack of guts in doing it.

Just one thing, I don’t understand what all of these have anything to do with the devil’s work. I can easily quit and join another ministry which probably wouldn’t stop me from advancing the kingdom of God here on Earth. Just that I cherish the friendships forged and don’t wish to forgo them so easily.

The devil loves every sort of human misery, that is what I mean. Some evils come to us from outside, and some come to us by our own hand, even though we don’t mean it. The devil does not care, so long as we are distracted and harassed by anything that will bring us no closer to God and make of us no greater use to anyone else. You say you can join another ministry, but this situation is enslaving you. You are not free of it until you are free of it with acceptance.

You have three choices, not two: a) decide to do nothing different for the time being because you’ve considered the chances and accepted that although she will probably attract a suitor other than you sooner rather than later, you do not want the gamble of trying to court her in the immediate future, b) decide to formulate a strategy to court her, choosing the option that seems to you to be the best balance of risk and possible reward, with the resolution that if worst comes to worst, you’ll live through it, and c) do nothing and suffer because you can’t decide what to do.

Choose (a) or (b). Prayer is going to help you a lot more when you aren’t fearing two mutually exclusive futures. You’ll lose her by not trying to get her or you’ll lose her by trying to get her, but only one of those can actually happen! It is too much to do neither and yet suffer both in your imagination, all the while giving up both the chance for the serenity of choosing not to try and the reward of choosing to try and succeeding!

You are now “risking” a 100% chance of misery and essentially a zero percent chance of either the serenity of letting go of your desire to court her or the pleasure of gaining this girl’s favor. Choose (a) or (b), and at least you’ll have some chance of a good outcome, and you’ll suffer–at most!–only one of the actual bad outcomes. Suffer when something bad has actually happened to you, not in worrying about something that hasn’t happened and may never happen! C.S. Lewis pointed out that God does not give us much help in getting through something bad that has not actually happened to us. That is what I meant by “the courageous man dies only once, while the coward dies a thousand times.”

Pray for the courage to decide, the strength to take whatever comes from your decisions, and the grace to rely on God whatever your choices bring. Pray for help in remembering that nothing bad is actually happening to you right now, and for the serenity to live happily in this time during which nothing bad is happening. That ought to help you find a way through this that is less stressful than what you are going through now…and the serenity of relying on God is a very attractive feature, both in Heaven and on Earth!

 

[Joybearer]

Ask her out. If you feel you cannot, pray that you are given the strength to ask her out. That is the only option you have left yourself – you have said that you will not leave the ministry, and that you will become maudlin and despondent if she is attached. What other option is there? You can pray to forget about her, but it seems rather obvious that your relationship has extended beyond what is healthy and is now in a state of tension that must be released in some way. While you should pray that your feelings be tempered (because they are very extreme), it is unlikely that they will simply go away, and I cannot imagine that you would be experiencing them if God did not intend it in some way (I do not think He would plague you with this only to remove it completely).

Also, it is odd to me that you feel you would cease to be friends with those you have met in the ministry if you quit it. Why would you not do things outside of the ministry? Surely you do now, if they are good friends?

Thanks for the response, in regards to your question, I am currently holding some appointments in the ministry and the ministry is severely lacking in manpower, so my leaving without a valid reason(I do not wish to guilt her by telling them my reason of quitting) would invoke a sense of unhappiness within the community(as I have witnessed in the past). So quitting would mean preparing to lose those friends and the community.

I have prayed using different words and from different angles but I don’t understand why God doesn’t show me a clear path simple enough for my mind to grasp. All I got were false hopes and more pain and more obsession, the best I got was short bouts of peace from Him. Never lasting, and eventually I will fall back into this unhealthy obsession. Another thing I can’t understand is why does God speak to some and not the others, I would never hear actual words from God like some christians can.

Sorry for the rant, but all I’m saying basically, God is taking His time with this situation and it’s really frustrating to me.

 

[Baelor]

Thanks for the response, in regards to your question, I am currently holding some appointments in the ministry and the ministry is severely lacking in manpower, so my leaving without a valid reason(I do not wish to guilt her by telling them my reason of quitting) would invoke a sense of unhappiness within the community(as I have witnessed in the past). So quitting would mean preparing to lose those friends and the community.

I have prayed using different words and from different angles but I don’t understand why God doesn’t show me a clear path simple enough for my mind to grasp. All I got were false hopes and more pain and more obsession, the best I got was short bouts of peace from Him. Never lasting, and eventually I will fall back into this unhealthy obsession. Another thing I can’t understand is why does God speak to some and not the others, I would never hear actual words from God like some christians can.

Sorry for the rant, but all I’m saying basically, God is taking His time with this situation and it’s really frustrating to me.

If you ask her out, the situation will probably resolve itself. Ask God for help in doing so.

 

[bsf]

Thanks for the response, in regards to your question, I am currently holding some appointments in the ministry and the ministry is severely lacking in manpower, so my leaving without a valid reason(I do not wish to guilt her by telling them my reason of quitting) would invoke a sense of unhappiness within the community(as I have witnessed in the past). So quitting would mean preparing to lose those friends and the community.

I do not think you are living in the real world. You do not know the future. Too much pessimism.

I have prayed using different words and from different angles but I don’t understand why God doesn’t show me a clear path simple enough for my mind to grasp. All I got were false hopes and more pain and more obsession, the best I got was short bouts of peace from Him. Never lasting, and eventually I will fall back into this unhealthy obsession. Another thing I can’t understand is why does God speak to some and not the others, I would never hear actual words from God like some christians can.

Seek the One who consoles and not so much the consolations. Appreciate the consolations when they are given, but do understand they are only temporary in this life. Furthermore, St. John of the Cross cautions against giving much heed to these locutions you mention. Often man confuses himself for God.

Sorry for the rant, but all I’m saying basically, God is taking His time with this situation and it’s really frustrating to me.

I understand your frustration. God is not going to adjust His plan to meet your timetable, though.

Take a deep breath. Try to relax. Keep praying. Try to set your preconceived notions aside and be a little more open to a greater realm of possibilities.

 

[Joy2day]

God doesnt speak actual words to people so they can hear them as though a person was talking. He speaks to the soul - quite different, yet as easily understood. And God is always ‘speaking’ to us - we just need to slow down to listen. I think you should commence by trying to spend more time with this girl & get to know her better & test the waters, so to speak, to see if she is interested. And become obsessed with God instead of a person who might be a distraction. Sometimes we get in a fog & cant listen to God if sin is in the way.

 

[McMcMe]

Pray for HER happiness, not yours. Perhaps it is God’s will that you should be together but that’s not going to happen without your work. (God will steer the ship but he will not paddle for you.) Perhaps it is God’s will that she should have another path in life. As her brother in Christ you should pray for God’s will in HER life. By praying for her happiness and wellbeing–whatever that brings–should help you to get out of your obsession which, quite frankly, is a rather dehumanizing infatuation and quite unattractive.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks for the response, in regards to your question, I am currently holding some appointments in the ministry and the ministry is severely lacking in manpower, so my leaving without a valid reason(I do not wish to guilt her by telling them my reason of quitting) would invoke a sense of unhappiness within the community(as I have witnessed in the past). So quitting would mean preparing to lose those friends and the community.

I have prayed using different words and from different angles but I don’t understand why God doesn’t show me a clear path simple enough for my mind to grasp. All I got were false hopes and more pain and more obsession, the best I got was short bouts of peace from Him. Never lasting, and eventually I will fall back into this unhealthy obsession. Another thing I can’t understand is why does God speak to some and not the others, I would never hear actual words from God like some christians can.

Sorry for the rant, but all I’m saying basically, God is taking His time with this situation and it’s really frustrating to me.

Did it occur to you that you are the one taking your time, and it could be God who’s getting frustrated? Holy smoke, he puts an attractive woman in your ministry where you cannot possibly miss her, and you won’t even ask her out! What is he supposed to do, put a secret message about you in the singe-marks of her morning toast?

You could just ask her out, realizing that if you are rejected it might be uncomfortable for awhile, but that the discomfort will pass. If you don’t make a big deal out of it that she didn’t want to go out with you, she won’t make a big deal out of it.

Let’s say you ask. The “crash and burn” goes like this:
You: Hey, Teresa, how would you like to go out for dinner on Friday night? There’s a new place opening downtown.
Her: I’m sorry, Mike, but I don’t think so. Thanks for asking, though.
You: Oh, well, if you’d rather not, that’s OK. I just thought I’d ask.
Her: Oh, I didn’t mind you asking. Don’t feel like that!
You: Oh, OK. Well, if you change your mind, let me know. I think it would be fun. (and maybe she does, maybe she doesn’t, but you tried.)

You: Hey, Teresa, how would you like to go out for dinner on Friday night? There’s a new place opening downtown.
Her: I’m sorry, Mike, but I don’t think so. Thanks for asking, though.
You: Oh, well, if you’d rather not, that’s OK. I just thought I’d ask.
Her: Yeah, well, don’t ask again.
You: Ooo…kind of harsh. OK, I can do that. This never happened; I never asked.

OR
You: Hey, Teresa, how would you like to go out for dinner on Friday night? There’s a new place opening downtown.
Her: You’re asking me out? Are you kidding me? I don’t think so.
You: Ooo…kind of harsh. Oh, well, I can deal with that. This never happened; I never asked.

OR
You: Hey, Teresa, how would you like to go out for dinner on Friday night? There’s a new place opening downtown.
Her: Oh, Mike, that’s so sweet of you to ask, but…(fill in whatever patronizing or sweet or lame or graciously-worded excuse you like)…so I’m going to have to turn you down.
You: Oh, OK. Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I’ll take Bob, he never turns down a free meal.

OR
You: Hey, Teresa, how would you like to go out for dinner on Friday night? There’s a new place opening downtown.
Her: I’m sorry Mike, but I have other plans. Maybe some other time.
You: OK, maybe some other time. (And you decide later if you want to try again or not.)

Do you see that even though you might be uncomfortable around her for a few weeks or a month after asking her out and getting turned down, this is not the kind of failure that requires you to leave a parish or a choir or any other ministry? The truth is, if you start with something minor, like an invitation to a restaurant, the discomfort will usually pass very quickly. You ask her out, she either goes or doesn’t and there is either a second date or there isn’t and you either wind up dating or you don’t and you either get married or you break up after all, but life goes on no matter how this romantic adventure ends. Maybe you don’t make as much eye contact as you’re used to for a month or two, but you don’t have to leave the ministry because you fail to marry somebody in it that interested you. You just learn to accept that you weren’t the one for her, and life goes on.

Courage, son, courage and perspective. It takes a lot of tears out of life’s journey. This last guy that didn’t work out, if he’s in the parish, let’s hope he didn’t feel a need to go into seclusion. Even if he did, you don’t. You can ask this woman to go to a restaurant with you, accepting that she didn’t sign on for even that much adventure with you, you will not be put to everlasting shame!! It will just be her loss, but you can still be friends, even if she turns you down. It is up to you.

Dial down your expectations and your fears. This is just normal life, with joys and trials that you get through eventually. You can do it!

 

[Archangelic]

If you’re not going to ask her out (for whatever reason) just give it time. These things pass. Do what it takes to distract yourself from her. You don’t have to quit the ministry, but maybe lessen your time involved until the feelings subside.

…why can’t you ask her out?

 

[EasterJoy]

…I have prayed using different words and from different angles but I don’t understand why God doesn’t show me a clear path simple enough for my mind to grasp…

The way out of your obsession is to just ask her. You heard it here, but if you’ve asked anyone else, I doubt that you heard it here first. Your mind can grasp that! This is not opening the Red Sea.

Just. Ask. Her. Out. Just for something simple, dinner or something. Maybe just brunch after Sunday Mass some time. Broad daylight, no pressure. If you need therapy afterwards, it will still be better than what you’re doing now.