How to tell girlfriend ive thought about marriage

[thememphisman]

so…my girlfriend and i have been together for about 1 and a half years as a dating couple. we’ve been best friends for a solid 3 years before that. we are both 18 and heading to college next year (separate colleges unfortunately). its not that the word marriage hasnt come up in our relationship – it has – we both understanding that the reason for dating is to find a person to become married to – and not simply as most of our high school friends do for simply pleasure or “popular status.” i’d say that we have an above the normal understanding for the definition of love than most of our friends. we recognize that we both desire to give to the other anything and everything we can, and that we not only desire this, but we do our best to actualize it. obviously i cant tell you the entire story here, but i would like to say that i’ve prayed about it for a long time now and feel absolutely called to be married, especially to my girlfriend.

my question comes in this: how exactly do i let her know that i want to marry her, i know that we are young, and i know that i am not all the way capable of that commitment now, but that it is something which i think and pray about often?

thank you

 

[stormcloud]

If your relationship is at the level you describe, this:

i want to marry her, i know that we are young, and i know that i am not all the way capable of that commitment now, but that it is something which i think and pray about often?

will do just fine.

 

[kage_ar]

Christians do not see dating as a recreational activity the way that the secular world does. Dating is discernment for marriage. If you are both Catholic, that is what you are both thinking - so, your vocation should be discussed openly like all parts of your faith.

 

[Island_Oak]

…my question comes in this: how exactly do i let her know that i want to marry her, i know that we are young, and i know that i am not all the way capable of that commitment now, but that it is something which i think and pray about often?thank you

Given what you already KNOW, continue to think and pray, but don’t say anything else until you are sure you are ready~in no event before you have spent at least 6 months away at college. It’s amazingly consistent what a change of scenery does for most high school romances…

 

[journey137]

Long distance is HARD, especially during college. My high school sweetheart (first date, first kiss, etc) went to the same college. I passed on a totally free ride to a good college to go to the one where he was. I had almost a free ride there and it was still a good school for what I wanted to do. We got married and have a baby now. We’re happy and extremely content with each other. There were some hard times in our relationship throughout college and if we had went to different schools I can honestly say there would be virtually no chance we would be together now, let alone at the stage we are in our relationship. If you two are going to separate schools, I agree with Island Oak… AT LEAST six months apart before mentioning anything and probably a little longer before bringing out a promise ring (or something similar in sentiment). I’m all for trying to keep it going, but please remain realistic and don’t forget to give her feelings on the matter a chance to grow (and possibly change) just like yours.

p.s. I’m a huge pessimist in case you couldn’t tell

 

[lizziebits]

I would be careful mentioning anything specifically about the two of you getting married. Certainly, that should be on both of your radars, as that is the whole purpose of dating, but outright saying “I think I am called to marry you” is unfair unless that statement is followed by a marriage proposal (which I think 18 and just starting college is still a bit young for). I just think it is playing with emotions too much. If God is calling you two to marriage, he still will be in a couple of years, and that is when you can discern fully, and also begin plans for your engagement.

I don’t think it’s the end of the world that you two are going to different colleges. You’ll both have some breathing room, and the opportunity to really grow as individuals.

 

[Jessamy]

Hmm… I don’t think I agree with the posters here who say that you shouldn’t discuss the idea of getting married before it’s actually possible. At the very least, you should both know that you consider the other a potential marriage partner. If you didn’t, you should have stopped dating by now.

Surely let your girlfriend know that you love her, and that you can’t imagine your relationship ending when you leave for school. If you haven’t already, you should at least be talking about what is going to happen when you go long distance. How are you going to communicate? How many times per day or per week? I have a long distance relationship and needed quite a few assurances about the seriousness of the relationship before we left. If marriage comes up in the context of a discussion like this, you could definitely tell her that it is the outcome you are hoping for.

And for the record, I don’t find my long distance relationship very difficult at all. My relationship started off in a similar way to yours-- we met in high school, began dating at 17 & 18, and went off to separate schools (about 4 hours apart). If you communicate frequently, but don’t let yourself get overly needy, it can be done with minimal issues. I do agree that long distance is a good test for the relationship. My boyfriend and I are starting to get serious about marriage now and I know I can really trust what we have

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to mention that you’re really thinking about marriage with her, and ask her opinion. My boyfriend and I have very open plans to get married, but it’s not an official proposal. I have a promise ring of sorts and refer to myself as semi-engaged. So I’m not planning a wedding in more than daydreams and glancing over dresses, but conversations can be centered around “When we’re married” and not be awkward.

And yeah, we’re young too. I don’t think you have to be a certain strict age to be committed, there are mature teens and really childish people in their 30s.

 

[stormcloud]

And yeah, we’re young too. I don’t think you have to be a certain strict age to be committed, there are mature teens and really childish people in their 30s.

True enough, but a lot of important life experiences are learned in the late teens and early twenties; life experiences that play an important part in being able to discern whether someone will make a good spouse.

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

True enough, but a lot of important life experiences are learned in the late teens and early twenties; life experiences that play an important part in being able to discern whether someone will make a good spouse.

Which is why it’s good to know how close you are to a person during that age. A serious couple, perhaps one that has brought up marriage, with act different than one which is not.

And it’s perspective as well. Today culture likes to tell people to wait until a certain magical age before they can commit, or be serious. But people regularly marry in their 20s, and even younger just a generation or two ago.

 

[stormcloud]

I haven’t heard anyone actually try to claim any specific age, but I would personally recommend late twenties. There’s a reason why adults are trying to get the next generation to wait longer than their generation did; we’re trying to teach you the lessons we learned the hard way. Statistically speaking, the younger a couple is when they marry, the less likely their marriage is to last. I know where you’re coming from because I remember having the same mindset about the subject. Take the time to get to know yourself as an independent adult before you try to discern whether someone else will be a good spouse. You’ll be glad you did. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, take your time and smell the roses.

 

[lizziebits]

I haven’t heard anyone actually try to claim any specific age, but I would personally recommend late twenties. There’s a reason why adults are trying to get the next generation to wait longer than their generation did; we’re trying to teach you the lessons we learned the hard way. Statistically speaking, the younger a couple is when they marry, the less likely their marriage is to last. I know where you’re coming from because I remember having the same mindset about the subject. Take the time to get to know yourself as an independent adult before you try to discern whether someone else will be a good spouse. You’ll be glad you did. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, take your time and smell the roses.

i think this is good advice to an extent, and that marriage is something that should be discerned with great care.

At the same time, to give general advice to wait until your lates 20s just doesn’t make sense for a lot of people. My husband and I met and started dating in college, at 18 and 19. To have waited for our late 20s would have met a 8 or 9 year dating period. That would be crazy! As for the divorce factor, marrying later but lower your chance of divorce, but so does not engaging in sex before marriage (to 18-20%) or practicing NFP (to 5%).

 

[jman507]

so…my girlfriend and i have been together for about 1 and a half years as a dating couple. we’ve been best friends for a solid 3 years before that. we are both 18 and heading to college next year (separate colleges unfortunately). its not that the word marriage hasnt come up in our relationship – it has – we both understanding that the reason for dating is to find a person to become married to – and not simply as most of our high school friends do for simply pleasure or “popular status.” i’d say that we have an above the normal understanding for the definition of love than most of our friends. we recognize that we both desire to give to the other anything and everything we can, and that we not only desire this, but we do our best to actualize it. obviously i cant tell you the entire story here, but i would like to say that i’ve prayed about it for a long time now and feel absolutely called to be married, especially to my girlfriend.

my question comes in this: how exactly do i let her know that i want to marry her, i know that we are young, and i know that i am not all the way capable of that commitment now, but that it is something which i think and pray about often?

thank you

You may just want to hold off a bit as you start college. Both of your lives will change a lot and there is a lot of stress. You’ll probably need a bit of time to digest all of that. If things still seem to go well after that, then bring it back under serious consideration. If after some time at college it still seems good to both of you, I’d take that as a better sign than you do now.