How to turn down a guy nicely?

[chevalier]

Sorry my question seems odd to you but I don’t like to hurt people…I guess that does make me an oddity these days.

That’s a good quality, but yes, you’ve got to tell him you aren’t interested. Sometimes being gentle in the long run requires being less gentle in the short run. Surgeon’s work. You may need to cut off a limb to save a life. Here, you just need to give a guy a clear cold shower so that he doesn’t linger on.

 

[jrabs]

Hold it -I am confused. He has already asked you out and you have yet to give him an answer? Or are you trying to formulate a plan in case he asks you out?

If he has already asked you out and is waiting for an answer, that’s very odd. I can see why you would now feel put on the spot about a nice but firm way to turn him down.

I’d just tell him that you really are not romanticaaly interested in him - you owe him nothing more and it is not a rude thing to say. I would not even offer the “obligatory” friends clause because frankly you have described a person that i would not want as a friend. It serves no purpose hanging out with a new freind that uses women.

If he has not asked you out yet, then why all the fuss? You are agonizing over nothing.

 

[Havard]

As a guy, I’d rather be told the truth than get some “I’m busy” thing. The busy excuse can always come back to bite you in the butt, anyway. And the truth doesn’t have to be rude or insulting. You can just say “I think you’re really nice, but I don’t feel that kind of connection with you.” That kind of thing can’t be debated, because it’s your feelings. If he still comes after you like Pepé Le Pew, I think you can be stern or curt without worrying about being uncharitable.

 

[Norseman82]

It’s really all of the above combined. But mostly he sleeps around, lies to his girlfriends and doesn’t seem to know what he wants. Been there done that bored with that type really.

He may consider himself Catholic for all I know we’ve never discussed religion…

Well, if he sleeps around, he obviously is not a practicing Catholic, is he?

You can try the “sorry, we’re not compatible” line and if that gets through to him, fine; but, if he presses the issue, you may just have to accept the fact that there is no “nice” way to let him down, since at that point he will have established himself as a pest, and sometimes the only way to get rid of a pest is with a flyswatter and can of Raid (I’m making an anaolgy here). So if the truth offends him, so be it; it may actually be the catalyst to change his ways. Just take precautions for your own safety.

 

[Rascalking]

As a guy, I’d rather be told the truth than get some “I’m busy” thing. The busy excuse can always come back to bite you in the butt, anyway. And the truth doesn’t have to be rude or insulting. You can just say “I think you’re really nice, but I don’t feel that kind of connection with you.” That kind of thing can’t be debated, because it’s your feelings. If he still comes after you like Pepé Le Pew, I think you can be stern or curt without worrying about being uncharitable.

Speaking as another guy, this guy (Havard) was correct in telling you how to handle the other guy.

Good luck.

 

[kage_ar]

Sorry my question seems odd to you but I don’t like to hurt people…I guess that does make me an oddity these days.

Unless he is really infatuiated with you, saying no to dinner and a movie will not hurt him. Breaking up after a long relationship hurts, being turned down for a first date is just part of life.

 

[chevalier]

Unless he is really infatuiated with you, saying no to dinner and a movie will not hurt him. Breaking up after a long relationship hurts, being turned down for a first date is just part of life.

And a frequent one at that!

 

[Sierrah]

And a frequent one at that!

Part of my problem is my dating life has been limited. I started dating late and don’t have a load of experience with it and basically just dated people I already knew from work or dated the same people for a long time. I’ve not had much experience turning guys down because few guys have ever asked. I refuse to waste my time and his though. I already turned him down but thanks for all the advice.

 

[Binary]

ok then what is a diplomatic way to say - Friendship is ok but I’m not interested in you romantically.

Yes. Be direct and unambiguous.

 

[chevalier]

Part of my problem is my dating life has been limited. I started dating late and don’t have a load of experience with it and basically just dated people I already knew from work or dated the same people for a long time. I’ve not had much experience turning guys down because few guys have ever asked. I refuse to waste my time and his though. I already turned him down but thanks for all the advice.

That’s commendable, I mean the first part, and my pleasure, I mean, the second one.