How would God answer this?

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I was married in a catholic ceremony, before God, in 1999. My husband and I went on to have 4 kids. In 2015, by choice, he really went down a dark path leaving me no choice but to leave him and the kids and I go live with my mother. I’ve prayed nonstop for him to heal and get better. In the midst of his wrongdoings he started living with a “home wrecker” and she had “his” kid in June. He seems to have started getting a little better and asks for me and the kids back. I’m torn by the fact that If I ever decide to let that happen , I will never allow this kid be part of my life or our kids life. Am I wrong in Gods eyes and heart for this ?
 
I am so sorry you are going through this. I do not know how I would feel or react in such a situation. I can completely understand your thoughts and feelings though. I would encourage you to pray for guidance from St. Elizabeth of Aragon, Queen of Portugal. She may be able to help you find the peace that leads to God’s will for you. If anyone knows your pain it is her.

http://www.ewtn.com/library/mary/elizport.htm

The relative part of her biography is:

“Elizabeth remained Dinis’ tender and loyal wife, and she obediently acceded to his will, even when he asked of her the utmost that any man could request of his wife: that she take into her care, and tutor, his illegitimate children. He admired her intellect, and rightly judged that no one better could be found to teach his children. He also judged rightly that Elizabeth’s superior virtues would prevent her from turning her back on a call to do the heroic. Elizabeth saw God in the other, and the other encompassed her husband’s illegitimate children.“

I in no way expect you to do the same as she did. We live in different times and have different callings from God. But I do believe she would lead you to the answers you are seeking. May God bless you and I will pray for your family. Especially all the children involved.
 
Obviously, I don’t know the full story,

But it does seem as if you’ve taken a cold, unforgiving, attitude towards a child who is, what, four or five years old, at the most?

Like it or not, this child is his responsibility in part, possibly in full, if his mother is no longer in the picture? Was there something other than him having relations other than yourself, that makes you wary of this child? Was your husband, and/or this woman, involved in the cccult, or other strange religious rituals?

It’s never easy to reconcile after being rejected, especially after having four kids together. But, even if you decide you can’t be involved yourself, you must acknowledge the idea that this child is your husband’s responsibility, in full or in part, and that he will have some involvement until the child grows up, and probably a while afterward.

I know, I’m rambling. So, I’ll stop by saying what I probably should have said first…see a priest! If you’re not currently involved with the church, see the one who is in charge of the church in which you got married. It isn’t an easy path, but you’ve taken the first steps…now, follow through! God bless you both, plus any children involved!
 
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No…you are perfectly justified to feel this way.

This is a delicate situation that would require a lot of therapy and counseling about the correct way to approach this.

If it were me? I’d be done. I know I could never be receptive to a child that my husband created with another women outside my marriage.

I would never pursue reconciliation with him if he did this. But, that is me. You really need to work with a team of people who are all on your side.

You and your children will all need counseling to work your way through this. There would be a lot of details that need to be considered.

Something I have read is the issue of child support. Has child support been set up for your children? Whoever filed first gets the majority of the paycheck and you would be looking at a large portion of his…or your…paycheck going to a child outside of the marriage and family unit. Child support should be set up and remain with your kids.
 
Look. None of us here can come out and tell you how to feel.

I mean how you feel is based on a reality that can’t be backed out of and can’t be much changed at this point. There’s clearly no easy fix and no real way to tell you a bunch of meaningless sentiments that you’re just not in any sort of mood to take seriously.

I totally see your pain in this. I mean this must be extraordinarily harsh to have to deal with and try to manage all while still staying mom to 4 innocent kids. I feel extremely frustrated for what your husband has done to you through his self absorption. The fact that you’re even considering his ask is a real sign of your generosity already. But none of that’s really your question.

No. What really bothers you is what to do about his constant reminder of just how he treated you during that time. That little kid who made no choices to be born like this, but yet whose very existence will be underlining your husband’s weak choices for the rest of his days. Plus? How does that child let you put that other woman forever out of your life when she’ll clearly have some sort of claim to it through that child?

Wow. This is a tough one. But I’m going to try to answer you in a couple of ways as best as I can see it.

1st? It seems like you’re sort of asking for permission to be ruthless to a child who’s even more innocent in this arrangement than you were. I mean you at least chose your husband at some point? But this child didn’t. So you’re asking for some sort of public blessing to close your heart and try to move on. You sort of seem to want justification for being allowed to cancel feelings towards a baby.

But the 2nd part of this is that it seems you’re mostly really asking this because you’re not truly that type of person. It seems almost like you’re asking because you sort of want the strength or courage to make this harsh choice and somehow smother your conscience in the doing of it.

See you don’t come across as cold enough to really do this fully. Because that type of person wouldn’t be in to giving 2nd chances to a husband who really really hurt her? And that type of person wouldn’t come on this forum asking this hard question. That sort of person wouldn’t even be here. Wouldn’t even be thinking twice about this.

So knowing you’re a person who’s not cold-hearted by nature, but probably just very hurt and anguished makes this an even harder solve.

Because if you leave the kid to his fate? You’ll always wonder about him. Especially if he grows up into a bad stream. You’ll feel something about how you might’ve had a positive influence on him, but passed it up. I mean of course I have no idea why his mother isn’t laying any sort of claim to him. That’s sort of a mystery that could do with a bit of a solve.

(continued)
 
On the other hand? If you take that kid in and you know you can’t love him or give him love he’ll sense it. He’ll grow hard from that and then you might blame yourself for that too. I mean it’ll be pretty tricky not to treat him in a different way. Especially when your other 4 kids might get let down by you needing to show this other kid their attention instead. So it’ll be an obvious conflict.

I think my verdict’s out on how to handle this until I know why his mother doesn’t just take him in. I mean has she gone off and abandoned him?

Also? What are the ages and genders of your other kids? Have you talked to them about this at all? Do they give you any feedback on how they’d want this done?

Feel free to PM me if you don’t want all details in the open.

Peace.
 
I advise child support for your children, counseling with a priest to work on forgiveness, acknowledgment of his wrong, and keep goin’ to church. And pray for guidance to get through this if it is the will of God.
 
I would consider and be open to reconciliation. But certainly not a given.

There would need to be discussions with a counselor (you and him together), and I’d want to be convinced their was genuine conversion of heart and renewal of love.

If I had legitimate doubts, and I was confident that I would NOT have sexual relations with anyone else myself, then I would remain separate and single.

If I saw genuine conviction and love, with a renewed desire for reconciliation, i would return to the relationship with renewing vows.

As for the child, does this woman want to raise the child?
 
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