Hubby's Secret-ish past

[esieffe]

I am very concerned about his soul. If he has gravely sinned I need him to confess it.

I understand your feelings completely, but confession is an area that even a spouse cannot go. That is between him, our Lord and Lady. It may take him another ten years to sort out the horrors, but you CAN continue to show love, support, and live as an example. There is always hope, and grace.

Blessings,
E

 

[EasterJoy]

If the only reason he got upset is because one night you insisted on knowing, I don’t think he is all that depressed. I think he is probably angered that for 10 years, his privacy was respected and now all of a sudden it isn’t.

I would not bring it up. If he needs to talk, be supportive, but don’t push

Angie

He said that he can’t talk to a priest or counsellor not because he does not want to talk about it, but because he cannot trust them.

…We have been to confession and I purposely go in after him. He comes out so fast I doubt he opens up…

It is a very common misconception that the Sacrament of Penance is a primarily a means for the penitent to “open up” to his or her confessor in the psychoanalytical sense. That is not at all necessary. If the penitent comes in and confesses his sins in kind and number, that is a fine confession. If the priest needs to know more in order to offer absolution, that is the priest’s call, not yours–even if you are the penitent! Sometimes a fast confession is one with no excuses or extenuating circumstances offered, only sins confessed, contrition expressed, and absolution given with a penance. Only mortal sins have to be confessed; an exhaustive listing of all venial sins is not required. No sins that have already been confessed and absolved are to be confessed, only the sins that have not been confessed and absolved. There is nothing wrong with that, so do not worry yourself. Assume he made a good confession unless he says otherwise, and let it alone.

Based on what you have said, he may only be bothered that there are evil people with no conscience who would consider him an enemy, if they ever bothered themselves to remember him and look him up. That does not mean he did a single thing wrong to deserve their enmity. Don’t jump to any rash judgments that your husband is concerned about retribution that he deserves, then.

 

[Cricket2]

I’ve known and worked with people that have secretive pasts.

They don’t talk about them. AT ALL.

No hints about what they did, or might have done. No, “I could tell you but I would have to kill you.” Nothing.

Secret is secret. And if it were true, he couldn’t talk about it. AT ALL. Even to his wife.

But some do. It is a heavy burden, and once they leave their “position” they have to talk to someone. A spouse should be someone that this can be done with. I imagine most never talk of their secretive work, but some may have to unload about it to some degree for their own mental well being. The spouse is then obligated to hush.

 

[Anglewannabe]

He said that he can’t talk to a priest or counsellor not because he does not want to talk about it, but because he cannot trust them.

.

I think that is wise of him. Just because he needs to talk does not imply the other person is a good listener. He may be waiting for the right person to come along and in the mean time he will not make the mistake of opening up to someone who will do him more harm

Angie

 

[EasterJoy]

I think that is wise of him. Just because he needs to talk does not imply the other person is a good listener. He may be waiting for the right person to come along and in the mean time he will not make the mistake of opening up to someone who will do him more harm

Angie

The point is that the right person is not at all likely to “come along.” The husband, having said that he is interested in talking to the right person, would do well to seek out the right person–right as judged by those who have bound him to discretion in the first place–by contacting the US Department of Veteran’s Affairs. They can find him someone who has all the security clearance they think necessary and who has been trained specifically to address the concerns of veterans like himself, relieving him of the responsibility to find someone they believe is suitable.

 

[otjm]

The point is that the right person is not at all likely to “come along.” The husband, having said that he is interested in talking to the right person, would do well to seek out the right person–right as judged by those who have bound him to discretion in the first place–by contacting the US Department of Veteran’s Affairs. They can find him someone who has all the security clearance they think necessary and who has been trained specifically to address the concerns of veterans like himself, relieving him of the responsibility to find someone they believe is suitable.

This may not be a security issue at all, nor a sin; just the horror of war.

Take, for example, being faced with a young teenage opponent who is firing at you with the intention of killing you.

Two possible scenarios:

You kill the kid. that is a horrible burden to bear; but is not a sin, and not an issue of secrecy. It is possible, however, that the whole mission was classified, which simply adds to the burden.

Second scenario: same kid firing at you; but you hesitate because he is a kid. Your buddy next to you is killed because you did not kill the kid. That too, is a horrible burden to bear.

Or you are out with your squad, and you are the only one not killed or wounded. Again, a horrible burden to bear. The mind does funny things with feelings of guilt.

Can your wife help? No - you don’t talk with her because she would never “get it”. Or your neighbor. Or your priest (it is not a sin, so why would you talk with him about it? He never served in combat. Well, with the exception of our new assistant bishop, who was running ambushes in South Africa before entering the seminary).

We are all speculating as to what is at issue, and it appears the OP’s husband is not willing to share with her. For that matter, my dad was in “close quarters combat” in the South Sea Islands during WW2 and he would not talk with anyone about it. He just stuffed it down. Most of the combat veterans I know from Viet Nam still don’t want to talk about it either. The short of it is that he does not want to talk with his wife about it, and he really does not want her suggesting others to talk with. If he needs to talk, he should contact the VA; but he has to be willing to talk.