Hurt and Discouraged Over My Wife

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Conciliar said:
The gentleness of the majority of the replies here is absolutly amazing to me. I can’t believe what I’m reading. I’m all for reaching out to a wounded brother, but what is wrong with you people?

**Milliardo is a predator who “married” a troubled teen. **

To Milliardo - the reason you’re in pain is because you deserve to be. Grow up. Be a man. Quit your pathetic, twisted, whining. **You’re a predator. **Go get yourself some phsychological and spiritual help right away. Above all, leave that child alone.

To my fellow posters - pussyfooting around here is doing this man no favors.
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I am sorry–I am asking for help in my situation, not be judged in any way. I have not judged my wife in any way, even if she has done something wrong or that she was in a work like that. She is 21 now, not 18. 18 is the legal age here to get married, so in every way she is already considered an adult when we got married. Please do not judge me as I have not asked to be judged. In the same way that I do not judge you by what you said, because you have every right to say your piece.
 
Milliardo said:
I am sorry–I am asking for help in my situation, not be judged in any way. I have not judged my wife in any way, even if she has done something wrong or that she was in a work like that. She is 21 now, not 18. 18 is the legal age here to get married, so in every way she is already considered an adult when we got married. Please do not judge me as I have not asked to be judged. In the same way that I do not judge you by what you said, because you have every right to say your piece.
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Please do not judge me. Sure. If I were you, I would want to fly under the radar too. Yet your story is so outrageous that I cant help but think that deep down you know it.

I am judging your actions. No doubt about it. The fact is, 34 year old men don’t start relationships with 17 year old kids and marry them at 18 just months later. Want something to be grateful for? Be grateful you didn’t pull this stunt with someone in my family.

This girl was, and is, clearly troubled. And I can say that she is troubled just from the things you’ve shared. God only knowns what you’ve kept private.

It seems pretty clear to me that you have some serious issues to deal with, the least of which is how you’re going to get this poor girl back into your life.

She was legal. That’s a strong argument. How about telling us how stable and mature and ready to make a life long committment she was. Too late. You’ve already said enough to tell us otherwise.

Anyone who has written you flowery posts about your broken heart did you no favors.
Please tell me a Catholic priest didn’t shirk his duties and marry you two.
 
Ramalama said:
How old were Mary and Joseph when they married?
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A Scripture scholar weighs in.

How old was Abraham when he died? What on earth does that have to do with anything? Did you read his description of this kid? Does she sound like the Blessed Virgin to you?

You have a daughter, Ramalama? Wave goodbye to her at 17 as she runs off to date some 34 year old predator. Then comfort yourself with images of the Holy Family when she marries him months later.

Good post.
 
You were married by a Catholic Priest, a Priest in union with Rome? I just find it a bit far-fetched that any Priest would perform a marriage where the man is twice as old as the teenaged bride who works as some sort of hostess/escort in a “men’s” bar, withoout a very lengthy process of pre-marital counciling.

You also said that she is not Catholic? That woud require a dispensation from the Bishop, so, a Catholic Bishop had to also permit this union -

This just seems a bit out there…
 
mod: edit

One, if you want to know, I have taken the trouble to asking her parents permission to get her married. I didn’t just went over and told her that we’d get married, and then just left off and did it. Two, I also asked the blessings of my parents for that. Of all the people, they should know. I went through all that trouble just to have peace of mind and know that each side knows what we’re about to go through. Since you don’t know the circumstances and details of those, then I have not asked you to judge me in any way. If you have nothing good to add to this discussion, then let it stay that way.
 
This is a general reminder to maintain our charity when a poster asks for support and guidance. Instead of assuming the worst and speculating about someone’s intentions or situation, please remember to stay focused on the purpose of this thread. Thank you.
 
First I agree that we should all refrain about the circumstances of the age difference or other things about the poster and his wife… we are not to make assumptions… just offer support and guidance that he is seeking in such troubled times…
I would say to the poster, from the actions that your wife has shown, I am sorry to say, but it appears she does not have any true feelings of committed love to you if she goes around trying to be single and will not come back to you over issues of work, which you appear to be trying to solve and in the meantime have enough support to make it.
Not that I am trying to get at the age difference… but I think one must take into account that a 17 year old girl is in many ways still maturing and figuring out who she is… at 17 she may have been completely honest in the sense she wanted to marry you… but over time as she became more of age saw the relationship as not who she was.
In witness of this persistence to stay away from you, it is hard for me to tell you that things will work out… nothing you said shows me she honestly wants to work things out… my best advice would be to move on… and if you wish to marry to seek an anullment because you may have a good case that shows the marriage was not valid.
If you wish to hold out, just be prepared for the pain of continuing to wait for her to come around… it maybe awhile if at all…
Sorry if my words do not ring true or I missed the mark. We cannot solve your issues or give you the best answer… just things to consider.
Prayers,
DB
 
I have thought that, as much as I don’t like to admit it, that the possibility of her not being committed is there. But I try not to think about it. We have a saying here: habang my buhay, may pag-asa; while there’s life, there’s hope. Some even go a bit further and add, while there’s hope, there’s life. I agree with both. What keeps me from doing something drastic is that hope–I just cling to God and draw from His strength to continue on each day. It’s not easy with all these problems, but I always hope for a better day, when she would return home and we could heal our marriage and move forward.

What is hard is that in some ways, this is worse than a loved one dying. You know she’s out there, and you are left with all the joyful memories that you shared together. That’s what’s keeping me from seeking annulment–we’ve shared happy times together, and I cherish those times. It’s so easy to be vindictive, to put this all to an end: just think of all the bad things she’s done, and you’re down that path of anger and revenge. But whenever I think of those happy times, I realize that this marriage is worth fighting for, and I will fight for it.

You know, she’s really sweet–she’s funny and really caring. One of the things I remember of her was the day before she left, she put this blanket over her and stood by the door of our room, scaring me out of my wits. We both had a good laugh about it. It’s sad that the next day she’d leave me. But I think of things like that, and I think how I could not love someone like her. I love her that much.
 
Milliardo said:
I have thought that, as much as I don’t like to admit it, that the possibility of her not being committed is there. But I try not to think about it. We have a saying here: habang my buhay, may pag-asa; while there’s life, there’s hope. Some even go a bit further and add, while there’s hope, there’s life. I agree with both. What keeps me from doing something drastic is that hope–I just cling to God and draw from His strength to continue on each day. It’s not easy with all these problems, but I always hope for a better day, when she would return home and we could heal our marriage and move forward.

What is hard is that in some ways, this is worse than a loved one dying. You know she’s out there, and you are left with all the joyful memories that you shared together. That’s what’s keeping me from seeking annulment–we’ve shared happy times together, and I cherish those times. It’s so easy to be vindictive, to put this all to an end: just think of all the bad things she’s done, and you’re down that path of anger and revenge. But whenever I think of those happy times, I realize that this marriage is worth fighting for, and I will fight for it.

You know, she’s really sweet–she’s funny and really caring. One of the things I remember of her was the day before she left, she put this blanket over her and stood by the door of our room, scaring me out of my wits. We both had a good laugh about it. It’s sad that the next day she’d leave me. But I think of things like that, and I think how I could not love someone like her. I love her that much.
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Well we can see where you heart wishes to pursue and many prayers for this issue you face… you have much courage, and hope in light of these unfortunate times you have come across. I have heard of stories of a wife leaving her husband and marrying another guy only to see the light, divorce the 2nd guy and go back to the first. Maybe somehow keeping contact through your mother in law to leave messages for her of how much you miss her and the good times you have had together. Then like the father of the prodigal son parable… watch and pray for her return to you as you continue on with your own life. Best wishes!
DB
 
You have the courage as the Previous Poster said, you have the faith, the strength. Courage makes things happen, faith changes things and deals away with the odds. This said, the situation doesn’t look great, but you already know this.

You’ve asked for no bashing of your wife and I’m going to respect that. Still, while I wouldn’t like to say she’s young and doesn’t have commitment to you, I think she may be unstable. The circumstances you described suggest that she’s full of contradictions and that she may have a different value system from yours. Things don’t probably look the same to her as they do to you. Perhaps the promises to come back tomorrow and tomorrow and so on suggest she’s in an internal fight of some great intensity. Who knows.

Have you examined your feelings for her? Have you examined what made you marry her? It is possible that in her case a defect of consent existed, so you may want to consider this.

I don’t think I should write more since whatever advice I could give you now would be something I were unable to do myself. If this helps anything, I can imagine at least a part of your pain since I’ve been in relationships with girls with issues. I’ve had my part of banging my head on the wall. I’ll pray for you.
 
Thank you all. There are many possibilities why she keeps delaying coming home, and she wouldn’t say exactly why. She gives various excuses, though they’re so flimsy you would actually wonder why she doesn’t try to find a way around it.

One reason that some say is that maybe she’s ashamed of what she’s done, and so can’t get herself to come home. But I told her many times I’m not angry at her–I wouldn’t beg her time and again to come home if I am. Maybe I’m lenient, as some here said. Maybe I should give her an ultimatum so as to show her that I’m serious. But on the other hand, I don’t want to seem like I’m forcing her to come home. If she has to come home, it’s on her own free will.

Daily I examine my feelings for her, and why I married her. It goes back to that same thing–I love her, and she’s the one for me. Does she sees it the same way? I would like to think she does; when we met about a month ago, she keeps on teasing me about why my head is small. She likes to tease me about that one. We just enjoyed much of the time out on the mall, though time and again I still did remind her of her promise, which as you all know she didn’t keep.

I like that about the Prodigal Son–which is exactly what I thought about with my situation. Just like the father in that story, I keep hoping for her return and never give up on that. I am hopeful she’ll realize and be enlightened to come home.
 
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