Husband abnegates responsibility

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Livinonaprayer

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I’m really struggling with my marriage. Married almost 25 years, kids will all be grown in a few years. I’m trying to remember my vows and help him get to heaven but it’s so hard. I work full-time and support the family. He hasn’t worked in over a decade and says there are no jobs for him and after taxes not worth it even though he has a law degree and tax degree. He drinks heavily and is socially isolated. Not a spiritual leader and in fact teaches error to the kids. He even dictates what can be done with money and forbids me to invest in 401k. I fear for my future as he’s so against investing even in anything safe so that I don’t have to work till I’m 80. He doesn’t go to Mass and is critical of everyone there. Calls me a fake Catholic for nonsensical reasons. He clearly has some mental illness and addiction. He’s really not anything a husband and father is supposed to be. These are big problems with no simple solutions but just wondering if anyone has some words of wisdom.
 
I am sorry you and your family are going through this. I second professional counseling.
Sometimes we think we are helping someone get to heaven when we are often enabling behavior that might deter them (not saying this is what you are doing, I don’t know you or your life).
We should also be the example to our children what we feel is the right thing to do in all situations–and that is a LOT of work 🙂
Prayers for all of you!
 
Divorce? Of course, you’d still be -unless you get an annulment- married to him spiritually, but you don’t have to remain legally married with him. Nor do you have to put up with his neglect. You should find a wise priest that you know in real life and seek his advice.

The Catholic faith doesn’t demand you remain with a husband who has long forsaken his duty, nor does the faith say you have to remain married to someone who verbally abuses you. If it was me, I would leave him.

You and your family will remain in my prayers.
 
Stephen459 said:
You and your family will remain in my prayers.
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I would ask him to get counseling with you. If he wont go for that, I would seriously consider leaving him. Not necessarily divorce but if what you are saying is true, that is just terrible. He has not worked in over a decade? I would point out to him that it says in The Bible, in first Timothy 5:8 that anyone that does not provide for their family is worse then a unbeliever. He has not worked in a decade??? Unless you both decided that he will be a stay at home parent, that is a disgrace.

Definitely seek help. If he wont go for it and you cant get away yet because of your kids, then be patient and make exit plans for when they are grown. Perhaps that is easier said then done and I am on the outside looking in but I am not sure if you truly realize how bad a man not working for a decade yet dictating and possibly ruining your plans for retirement is. I only say that because it seems you have been putting up with this behavior for at least a decade.

Good luck and God bless.
 
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Thank you for your response and prayers.
We tried marriage counseling and it made things worse. We weren’t discussing the same reality. He refuses to go again so I go by myself to a Catholic counselor. It’s actually been almost 13 years since he’s worked. He says things just didn’t work out for him and I should be grateful they did work out for me and that we are blessed to have my income. I have no respect for him. I get up for work and see him in his robe smoking cigars. It’s pathetic. I feel trapped because in a court he would play the victim and say he gave everything up to run the house and raise the kids for my career which is false. I still did the majority of the domestic and childcare chores even working full time. He would manipulate it and get permanent alimony due to the length of the marriage and number of years he hasn’t worked. I’m an idiot for getting into this situation. I’ve just tried for so many years to have peace in the home and make him happy not realizing he was gaslighting the whole time.
 
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary,
that never was it known
that anyone who fled to thy protection,
implored thy help,
or sought thy intercession,
was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence
I fly unto thee,
O Virgin of virgins, my Mother.
To thee do I come,
before thee I stand,
sinful and sorrowful.
O Mother of the Word Incarnate,
despise not my petitions,
but in thy mercy hear and answer me.
Amen.
 
I feel trapped because in a court he would play the victim and say he gave everything up to run the house and raise the kids for my career which is false. I still did the majority of the domestic and childcare chores even working full time. He would manipulate it and get permanent alimony due to the length of the marriage and number of years he hasn’t worked."

Is there any way you could prove that in court?? I hope there is a way to. You’ll be in my prayers. It’s not much, but my heart is hurting for you and will say my rosary for you and your family.
 
This is directed to all on this thread:

Please do pray for me. I plan to tell him this week that I am making financial decisions against his will because I believe it’s the right thing to do, such as donating some money, funding 401k for the first time, refinancing my student loans to lower interest rate and pay off faster.
In your opinion, if he accepts all of this, and can refrain from being emotionally abusive, would I still be justified in leaving due to him not working, even though I have a good income? I want him to work anyway for the principal of it and so I can retire at a decent age. He would not make near as much as I do but he can still contribute. And who knows if I could get sick or hurt and not be able to continue working. Then we’d really be in trouble.
I think I know the answer but he’s filled my head with such garbage that I need to hear truth from multiple people to believe it and feel confident about it.
 
Take your children and MOVE OUT. Do you have a friend who will take you in for an extended period of time so that you don’t have to pay for two residences (your current house and a refuge that you and your children move into)? Or is there a shelter in your city and town that can provide you and your children with housing?

Get yourelf and your children AWAY from this man as soon as possible.

Hire a GOOD lawyer and let him/her help you leave/divorce your husband-in-name-only so that you and your children can live a normal life. Everything in your life is so messed up and your brain must be constantly whirling around trying to make sense of it all.

A good lawyer should be able to prevent your husband from “playing the victim” and getting permanent alimony. Don’t let your fear of this happening keep you and your childrenin the same house with this awful man. He is using your fear of financial loss to keep you as his personal slave–don’t cave in to this. Let your lawyer fight him.

I would ask about getting a restraining order to stop your husband from approaching you and your children. The chronic abuse of alcohol might be grounds for this. Under the influence of alcohol, your husband could be a danger to you or the children.

Does your husband pay for his own alcohol? Absolutely do not pay for it!

If your financial accounts are joint, set up a new account that only YOU have access to, and arrange to have your paychecks deposited into this new account so your husband can no longer help himself to money that you have earned.

Get your children into counselling so that they can develop sound thinking patterns regarding a marriage and home life.
 
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