Husband cheated, am despairing

  • Thread starter Thread starter Strugglingspouse
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

Strugglingspouse

Guest
Husband has been cheating for nearly two out of three years of marriage.

One affair has been sexual but other infidelities have been physical (snuggling up intimately to a woman on a work night out) and virtual (messaging other women, specifically porn accounts on Instagram).

He has also been less than gracious since I found out, lying to his friends about my (I think, relatively calm and reasonable) réponse and making arrangements with them to go out and meet other women, boasting about bringing someone home for a “nightcap” just days after I had moved out to get some thinking and processing space.

Children were always on the cards, or so I thought, until a year ago when he changed his mind. But he has been deliberately avoiding the conversation and joking about it to friends and exes.

We are having marriage counselling, but currently separately whilst the counsellor tries to help me deal with the discovery.

I’m also waiting for my STD results, he insists they’ll be clear as he decided to be tested after the most recent instance of the sexual affair.

He now insists he’s trying to change, and is full of remorse, but keeps telling me how bad he feels, how badly our families are going to take the news which isn’t helping me as I feel a responsibility towards his happiness and family relationships.

Am finding it really hard to find a priest to discuss this with and am also struggling with the fact that I made my vows genuinely, that I signed up for better or for worse… but at what point does the definition of “worse” end? Or does it? In retrospect I feel he agreed to a catholic wedding as he knew it was so important to me.
 
I have never married so am not qualified to give advice, but I will say a prayer for you.
 
Thank you, that means a lot, i feel that I’m battling this alone right now.
 
I am sorry this is happening to you.
Have you spoken to your priest about this yet?
 
In the current lockdown I’ve not been able to, and so I’ve tried contacting other priests that I know, but haven’t yet heard back.
 
Strugglingspouse said:
He now insists he’s trying to change, and is full of remorse, but keeps telling me how bad he feels, how badly our families are going to take the news which isn’t helping me as I feel a responsibility towards his happiness and family relationships
Click to expand...
What is he doing to show his remorse?

I am concerned that your husband seems to care about everyone else’s feelings but not yours.
I am concerned that you feel such a responsibility towards his happiness and it is not reciprocated.
 
Last edited:
Going to counselling to understand why he’s driven to “stray”, telling me he misses me, that he understands what pain he’s caused…

I’m also concerned about the responsibility I feel, but equate this somehow with “for better for worse”
 
Your responsibility is to your marriage and what will help it. Your responsibility is not for you to give in to whatever your husband desires or to excuse all of his behavior. I think you should keep working by yourself with a counselor to see why you feel the way you do.
 
Thank you, I’m trying to do that, but feel that I’m acting selfishly by trying to heal myself and not yet focus on the marriage. But I’m in no state to try and forgive just yet. Beginning to think I’m losing my mind…

Really appreciate your comments, thank you.
 
Last edited:
It is not selfish at all to try and get your head on straight and to be able to see things clearly.
 
I am so, so very sorry you are having to go through this. Just my opinion, but I can’t see that you have much of a marriage to focus on. Just looking at what you wrote, he has cheated on you for most of your marriage. Normally, the first few years of a marriage are still the “Honeymoon/Bonding/Treating each other wonderfully” time, and the spouses haven’t yet had to deal with all the really rough spots that every marriage will hit ( kids, health issues, money issues ). So just looking that these last three years should have been some of the easier years and he can’t be bothered, what will he be like when the rough times come?? If your spouse doesn’t have your back, you really don’t have a marriage. If you can’t depend and trust him to be there for you, what do you have?

He has shown you for most of your marriage who he really is, so why not believe him? He is unfaithful, didn’t take his marriage vows seriously, is into porn, snuggled up intimately with another woman, lies about you, and boasts about bringing another woman to your home right after you leave? Had your bed even cooled off yet? Looking at the above, what exactly is so great about this boy/man that you are willing to accept being treated like this??

I really don’t mean to sound rude or mean, but I am speaking to you as I would my sister, brother or a best friend. He has shown you he isn’t marriage material. Thank God that there are no children to drag through this, and get out. What is there to save in this “marriage”? Hurt, heart-ache, lies, cheating, waiting on STD results, guilt… Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life???

I hope that you are able to make your appointment with a priest very soon. Down the road, I do think you would have good grounds for a Decree of Nullity. He was immature and lied about agreeing to have children. You cannot fix him, he is who he is, and it is not your responsibility to make other families happy. The best advice I can give you is to walk away as fast as you can, get an attorney, then get counseling. Down the road you will then be free to marry an adult man who will treasure you, love you and have your back in thick and thin. God bless, I will be praying for you. All the very best. ((HUG))
 
Last edited:
I am not married, so I really am not qualified to give advice from the perspective of a married person. However, from my experience with people in general…
Strugglingspouse said:
He has also been less than gracious since I found out, lying to his friends about my (I think, relatively calm and reasonable) réponse and making arrangements with them to go out and meet other women, boasting about bringing someone home for a “nightcap” just days after I had moved out to get some thinking and processing space.
Click to expand...
…This paragraph is what stands out the most to me. This does not seem like someone who is truly remorseful for his actions and betrayal. It is important to learn to distinguish between “I’m sorry” and “I’m sorry that I got caught.” Actions speak louder than words.

None of us know your husband, only you do. And I think it is commendable anytime a spouse faces this kind of heartbreak with strength and a desire to save their marriage. But you are also responsible for your own happiness. He is an adult who has made a series of poor decisions that have led him to this point.; in my opinion, it is not your responsibility to protect his feelings when you are the one who has been wronged. Take time for you now.

I think it is great you are seeking the advice of a priest. Be persistent when calling. I recently needed to speak to a priest, and it took some time with the current lockdowns, but he did eventually get back to me. Is there a possibility you could go down to your local parish and ask in person?

I am sorry you are going through so much right now. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Strugglingspouse said:
He now insists he’s trying to change, and is full of remorse, but keeps telling me how bad he feels, how badly our families are going to take the news which isn’t helping me as I feel a responsibility towards his happiness and family relationships.
Click to expand...
You are not responsible for how he feels. You are not responsible for what your family members feel.

He is.

And he is trying shove the responsibility for the consequences of his decisions on to you.

He feels bad? Well, he ought to. He is supposed to love and cherish you but he didn’t.

Family members will feel bad? Well, whose fault is it if you leave him for deciding to be unfaithful?

To me, this is extremely manipulative behavior. You absolutely should not listen to him because he is totally and absolutely wrong.
Strugglingspouse said:
feel that I’m acting selfishly by trying to heal myself and not yet focus on the marriage.
Click to expand...

Your husband acted selfishly and wounded you and your marriage deeply. You need to recover some before you can possibly focus on your marriage.
 
I want to thank you all for being so outraged on my behalf… I know he’s my husband but right now my instinct is to heal myself. So thank you for helping me to feel that I’m not being selfish.

I slept really well last night for the first time in the 3 weeks since finding out… thank you for all your prayers and comments. It means so much that you all reached out without knowing me. When you have no Catholic friends it’s hard to to find people who understand the moral conundrum I’m facing.

I will pray for your intentions too
 
Thanks for this link @TheIttyBitty I read it with interest, it’s really helpful.
 
This has to be so difficult for you, no matter what you decide. Keep trying to get in contact with a Priest. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
You are absolutely NOT being selfish and I am glad you have come to that realization. Would you feel selfish if a Mountain Lion was hungry and coming at you and you slam your door shut and bolted the lock ? You could be sorry the Mountain Lion/your husband is hungry/not a good partner to be married to, but you need to keep YOU safe and sane. Protecting one’s self is not being selfish. I think you understanding that is what is beginning to give you that inner peace so you can sleep.

You are a beautiful flower that has been neglected, not watered and trampled on. You now have to be the gardener who carefully and tenderly pulls the weeds from around you, fertilizes and waters, and loves that plant. Will keep praying for you Honey. Take care of yourself.
 
Last edited:
tuscany said:
Just my opinion, but I can’t see that you have much of a marriage to focus on… If your spouse doesn’t have your back, you really don’t have a marriage. If you can’t depend and trust him to be there for you, what do you have?.. He has shown you he isn’t marriage material. Thank God that there are no children to drag through this, and get out . What is there to save in this “marriage”? Hurt, heart-ache, lies, cheating, waiting on STD results, guilt… Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life???

… Down the road, I do think you would have good grounds for a Decree of Nullity. He was immature and lied about agreeing to have children. You cannot fix him, he is who he is, and it is not your responsibility to make other families happy. The best advice I can give you is to walk away as fast as you can, get an attorney, then get counseling. Down the road you will then be free to marry an adult man who will treasure you, love you and have your back in thick and thin.
Click to expand...
My heart goes out to the wife here and she is in my prayers.

And I don’t disagree with the emotional thrust of what you said here.

At the same time, and I have no expertise, but I might caution against expressing such confidence that a decree of nullity can be taken for granted. That’s a process the OP will need to explore with her local authorities.

For example, we don’t know for a fact that he “lied” about having children. The OP phrased it that after two years of marriage, he “changed his mind”. We might speculate endlessly on whether he secretly didn’t mean his vows when he said them, but that’s for the annulment committee to examine (if the OP decides to go that way).

Again, I agree with the emotional outrage on the OP’s behalf, and I’m truly saddened by the horrible situation she’s been put in. I’m just suggesting we should be cautious about guaranteeing her that annulment is assured, without more information that aligns with specific canon law on the subject and especially when that’s ultimately a determination that will be made by a formal committee that doesn’t include us.

OP, please continue to reach out for help and emotional support to those who will support you. You’re not being ‘selfish‘ to get your own oxygen mask on first. You have needs in this situation and they matter. God loves you.
 
Last edited:
I agree with you MNathaniel, that was why I said “I think” and for her to speak to her priest. I sure didn’t mean to imply that it was assured and she would automatically be granted an annulment, and I apologize for wording it poorly if that was what my words implied. Of course the Tribunal looks at each case individually and none of us can know what was in another’s mind.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top