Husband cheated on me- again!

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rkberlin

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Hi,
my converted to Catholicism husband cheated on me again. He’s in the military, went to Korea for a year and whoops! I just got off the phone with him. he wants to support the kids, he wants a divorce…He did it before, about 8 years ago. Told me about 4 years ago. I went back to church because of it ( not a very good reason, I know, but during my crying, I FELT Jesus standing in front of me, just holding me, it was very real ). Now he did it again, after all the forgiving, talking to a priest, him then converting ( he was Mormon before ). He’s now dwelling in self pity how he’s going to burn etc. i told him to talk to a priest. Now, I told him i couldn’t do this again. What should I do? He wants a divorce, what do I tell the kids? They haven’t seen their daddy in 6 months, they want to be with him. We just moved from the States to germany, their entire life is turned upside down as it is, I don’t think they can take much more. Any ideas, prayers, anything? Please help me, I’m so lost right now! My parents are going to be happy to see this, they don’t like him much anyway, and they don’t even know anything about the first time cheating. How can I deal with this? Should I call our priest? I’m still new to the parish, I don’t know…
Thank you
 
Dear Rkberlin,

I’m sorry that you have to suffer through this. It is not your fault that your husband is unfaithful. Remind him of his responsibilities to you, to your children, and to God. Your marriage is a covenant between you two and God, and he must be reminded of this.

It is good that you encouraged him to see a priest about it. People fall, and no matter how bad that fall is, they can get up again. Unfortunately, this fact does little to help the pain that you and your children feel.

If your children may be hurt by your husband’s repeated infidelity, then perhaps you should seek separation. Try explaining to your husband that you love him, and that your children love him, but that he needs to work out his problem with fidelity with God’s help, so that you can be the family that God is calling you to be.

I’ll pray for you, your children, and your husband. Seek the counsel of your spiritual director if you have one. If not, your new priest may be able to help you. Keep in mind the best interest of your children, and that your children are living signs of the love between yourself and your husband.

God bless,
I will be praying for you,

Agricola
 
First, let me say that I am so sorry that this is happening. My heart aches for you and your children, especially considering that this is not the first time that this has happened. I commend your fortitude and strength in staying with your husband after the first time, and pray for God’s mercy for your whole family, and his strength for you, through this trial.

Please, know that Jesus is holding you in his arms right now, and I do pray that you feel that now, as well.

Yes, I do think that you should go and talk with your priest. Especially given that you have just moved, your, and your children’s lives have changed so much even without your husband’s infidelity, you need any comfort, stability and caring that your family of faith can offer you! Do you have a priest who is also a member of the military (a chaplain - I know that you know this, but, given that not all chaplains are Catholic…)? If so, he may have additional resources to help you through this.

I also want to say that I’m sorry that your parents will be happy about this. I don’t think that we should ever be happy that a marriage is in trouble, and I would hope that they could show their support for you without showing any happiness over your distressing situation. I also hope that they don’t show feelings like this around your children, though that is a natural thing to do. He is their father, and they are likely to be confused enough about the whole thing.

Once more, yes, please go to your priest. Please talk with him about all of this. If you need to talk about it more, and you may - don’t feel bad about needing to talk/vent, he may be able to recommend a good counselor.

If you want to talk more on these forums, they do seem to be a wonderful place to find people of faith, willing to talk with you. Even so, there is no substitute for a good priest, or a good counselor (no offense meant to all of the wonderful people here).

Lastly, I will pray for you. I will ask Jesus to keep his arms around you, and I will ask Mary and Joseph for their intercession to give you and your whole family strength through this time.
 
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rkberlin:
Hi,
my converted to Catholicism husband cheated on me again. He’s in the military, went to Korea for a year and whoops! I just got off the phone with him. he wants to support the kids, he wants a divorce…

He’s now dwelling in self pity how he’s going to burn etc. i told him to talk to a priest.

As well he should and I wouldn’t be much interested in listening to him complain about himself at the moment either. Telling him to tell it to a priest was probably the most charitable thing you could say.

Now, I told him i couldn’t do this again. What should I do? He wants a divorce

If he wants a divorce and he isn’t even home - there’s not a lot you can do about him. You’ll have to start focusing on what YOU can do for you and the kids.
, what do I tell the kids? They haven’t seen their daddy in 6 months, they want to be with him. We just moved from the States to germany, their entire life is turned upside down as it is, I don’t think they can take much more.

If he follows through with the divorce, do you want to return to the States? Where would you and the kids have the best chance to thrive on your own? Do that and don’t worry about what dh is going to do - it sounds like he isn’t likely to listen to your worries anyhow. He’s made his own choices and you can’t control that, so set that worry aside as much as possible. What you can do is do what’s best for you and the kids.
My parents are going to be happy to see this, they don’t like him much anyway

I don’t think it’s so much being glad to see you divorced as it is being glad to see you not being hurt by him anymore. Even though you may not tell them everything, a parent knows when their baby isn’t happy. Talk to them honestly about what you and the kids need. You’re probably going to need their support and help.
Should I call our priest?

By all means, speak to your priest! He may or may not be able to make you feel better, but he can certainly offer insight on what you can do for yourself and your kids.
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I am going to say the Flos Carmeli (sp?) for you right now. It’s a very powerful prayer, and I trust that Jesus and Mary are going to console you and help you in your troubled marriage.
 
hmmm…isn’t adultery still in the UCMJ?? (sorry, my mean streak is surfacing…) – Can he possibly wait until his mid-tour to discuss this face to face? (do they get a mid-tour?) – if not, can he wait to discuss this in 6mos when he gets home? Surely for the good of his own soul, he can hold back for 6mos? (yes, a bit of sarcasm, again, my apologies). It’s too bad you’re not near Ramstein/Frankfurt; our priest pcs’d there last year; he’s a wonderful man. I will say a prayer for your marriage and your peace of mind in this time…I can only imagine how difficult this must be – what would happen with your living arrangements, they would move you back, right? I mean, you wouldn’t be there but for the member, so the dod should pay to move dependents back stateside in the worst case scenario of a divorce (I can’t even remember from when we were overseas…).

{{{hugs}}} and try to remain strong; ask Him for His help again
 
Do you have support on base to turn to in this situation? You need to find out what your options are and how to best protect you and the kids.

I am so sorry to hear that you are in these circumstances. I will pray so hard for your peace and safety and hope that God’s will is done.
 
I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this, I know how you feel 😦 . I know exactly how you feel, hang in there, pray alot…that’s what’s gotten me through and kept me sane…oh and of course the prayers from all on this forum. Everyone here has been wonderful, very sympathetic and helpful. I’ll give you some of the same advice I’ve gotten, find someone to talk to preferrably a priest or spiritual director, pray for strength, pray for him. Keep your head on straight…think of what will be best for your children and if divorce is the only way make sure you work out something that will be best for them, start putting aside money that he doesn’t know about, that will be your emergency fund. Protect yourself and your children since he isn’t doing it, cry it’s okay, but don’t fall apart. There are still moments…even though I feel I have accepted the fact that we have nothing anymore and am moving on emotionally, that I cry and my heart fills with sadness at knowing that it didn’t work, that he didn’t think we were important enough to live a good life…at knowing that what I hoped for will never be, I cry and then dry my eyes and move on with my day. You are a strong woman and with God’s and the Blessed Mother’s help you will get through this.
 
Hi,
yes adultery is still in the UCMJ. I mentioned that to him, if I were a mean person I would tell his 1st Sergeant. His only response was that that would hurt the kids financially if they demote him. Oh, and he’s in the Ramstein area, actually he’s in lodging in Vogelweh right now. I’m in Berlin where my parents live, since I’m German. i went ahead of him when he came back for mid tour, we packed up. He says he was fine until midtour, after that, he started partying, drinking and …you know. I prayed for him, people back in the States prayed for him, I guess it wasn’t strong enough. I do hope he’ll see the priest. His father walked out on his family, had another family, walked out on that one, too. I guess it’s in his genes or something.
I’m going to stay in germany, I have a job here, thank goodness. I followed my husband all over the world, well, it was worth it I guess. I just wish he’d consider counseling or something, for his own sake. What’s the priest’s name in Ramstein? Maybe he’ll go. We had a good one in Las Vegas ( military chaplain ), we even had our marriage blessed during his midtour…
Thanks for all of your support, I was up all night wondering how to tell the kids. All they talk about is when daddy is done (name removed by moderator)rocessing he’ll be here. What a wonderful Christmas that’ll be.Well, again, I appreciate all of your understanding and thank you for the prayers, I know I need them now. Bless you all!
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leaner:
hmmm…isn’t adultery still in the UCMJ?? (sorry, my mean streak is surfacing…) – Can he possibly wait until his mid-tour to discuss this face to face? (do they get a mid-tour?) – if not, can he wait to discuss this in 6mos when he gets home? Surely for the good of his own soul, he can hold back for 6mos? (yes, a bit of sarcasm, again, my apologies). It’s too bad you’re not near Ramstein/Frankfurt; our priest pcs’d there last year; he’s a wonderful man. I will say a prayer for your marriage and your peace of mind in this time…I can only imagine how difficult this must be – what would happen with your living arrangements, they would move you back, right? I mean, you wouldn’t be there but for the member, so the dod should pay to move dependents back stateside in the worst case scenario of a divorce (I can’t even remember from when we were overseas…).

{{{hugs}}} and try to remain strong; ask Him for His help again
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Please accept my deepest sympathy about your situation with your husband. Remember that this is his problem and not about you. I will say a prayer for you now.
 
Your parents probably saw something in your husband that told them he was a risky mate. They were right. Tell them now and ask them for whatever help they can give.
 
I am going to suggest you send him a book…The Grunt Padre…you can get it through this website:

father-capodanno.org/Grunt.html

Then start praying to Father Vincent, asking him to guide his brother soldier to start living up to this responsibilities as a Catholic father.

I don’t know if it will help, but it can’t hurt.

You are in my prayers…
 
Hi rkberlin,

I am really sorry to hear about your situation.

One thing I noticed from your post was this…you mention that your husband is dwelling in self-pity and seems in some anguish over what has happened. Is it therefore possible that he does not really want a divorce but is suggesting it out of guilt over what has happened, believing that he needs to “punish” himself to counteract the damage he has caused?

It seems that if he truly wanted a divorce, he wouldn’t be talking to you about how bad he feels over what he has done?

Maybe if you said to him that divorce is not what you want (even though I know you are hurting really badly right now, and rightly so) and that it would be harmful to the children, he may realise that divorce would only make a bad situation worse.

It might be worth a try.
 
hi applepie
I think he does just say the d word because he wants to make himself feel better. You knwo, the " you’d be better off withour me. You shouldn’t have married a loser like me…"
Well, we just got off the phone, he wants a platonic relationship, will call our last priest ( I believe it when the priest emails me ) for the kids’s sake. I don’t really like him right now, actually I’m disgusted by him, but I think and hope and pray that we can be civil with each other for the kids.
He told me I responded different than last time he told me he had cheated. he said I acted like somebody with so much faith, it shocked him. I told him in return I thought he was pure evil to do what he did. That was not nice, i know. I will go to confession this weekend. Well, I hope i can sleep tonight, too many thoughts in my head last night. My kids went to bed crying, poor anels. I will pray for them tonight, I know Jesus loves them and will protect them.
Thanks for all of your kind words, everybody
God bless
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applepie:
Hi rkberlin,

I am really sorry to hear about your situation.

One thing I noticed from your post was this…you mention that your husband is dwelling in self-pity and seems in some anguish over what has happened. Is it therefore possible that he does not really want a divorce but is suggesting it out of guilt over what has happened, believing that he needs to “punish” himself to counteract the damage he has caused?

It seems that if he truly wanted a divorce, he wouldn’t be talking to you about how bad he feels over what he has done?

Maybe if you said to him that divorce is not what you want (even though I know you are hurting really badly right now, and rightly so) and that it would be harmful to the children, he may realise that divorce would only make a bad situation worse.

It might be worth a try.
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