Husband doesn't want children

[Erina]

Hi, everyone! I’ve seen similar questions posted here, but I thought I’d go ahead and post this anyways. I’m in the process of converting to Catholicism, and my husband (a non-Catholic baptised Christian, though non-believer) is fine with my decision. However, he told me before we married that he never wanted children, and he still stands by his decision. I, however, would like children very much. I thought I could live with his decision about not wanting children, but it’s getting harder.

Here is something that complicates the situation a little further: I was married before to a baptised non-believer who also didn’t want children. I petitioned for a possible decree of nullity from him about 4 months ago.

I attend Mass, pray the rosary everyday and spend time in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament. But I feel so stupid and ashamed; I’ve made such bad choices. Oh, my current husband and I are living in continence.

Any advice?

 

[Linda_Marie]

You’re in a pretty hard place right now and being sorely tried.

I’m glad you are getting your marital status clarified and I hope it all goes smoothly for you.

Keep spending time with the Blessed Sacrament and continue your devotions. One of the most difficult things we have to do sometimes is let go of the problem and let God sort it out.

Be patient. God works in His own time and He has a purpose in what you are going through. Trust Him. He knows what He is doing.

Romans 8:28 (NAB)
We know that God makes all things work together for the good of those who have been called according to his decree.

And one more thing, Welcome Home!

 

[BamaRider]

But I feel so stupid and ashamed; I’ve made such bad choices.

Is this a reference to the man you are married to? Or the deal that you made about not having children?

thought I could live with his decision about not wanting children, but it’s getting harder.

And will only intensifly as you grow in your Faith.

Oh, my current husband and I are living in continence.

He must *really *not want children.

How do you feel about that? Is no sex with your husband something you can live with from now on??

My advice? I’d explain things have changed. That you do what children, explain all the reasons why, and we’re gonna have problems if we can’t resolve the matter.

I’d clear my marriage impediments, but not validate your current marriage till this problem is fixed.

 

[Erina]

Is this a reference to the man you are married to? Or the deal that you made about not having children?

Both, really. I’ve always been very wishy-washy and accomodating with people, caving in to their line of thought. Catholicism has given me a backbone and a clear-headedness about what I believe in, though.

He must *really *not want children.

Yes, he’s *very *adamant about not having children.

I’d clear my marriage impediments, but not validate your current marriage till this problem is fixed.

Yes, that’s what I’m thinking, too.

Thanks to both posters for the great advice!

 

[BamaRider]

Both, really. I’ve always been very wishy-washy and accomodating with people, caving in to their line of thought. Catholicism has given me a backbone and a clear-headedness about what I believe in, though.

You have more resolve now, because you believe in *something, *where before you probably just drifted along with the wind.

Continue to post and share your journey, lots of support here.

It’s gonna be alright.

 

[Island_Oak]

Be patient. God works in His own time and He has a purpose in what you are going through. Trust Him. He knows what He is doing.

This is all well and good so long as you DON’T get married while this issue is still unresolved between the two of you. What’s more, part of the vows in a Catholic marriage ceremony obligates you to be open to children.

Be as patient as you want, but don’t take on the commitment or vow until you are clear on what you will be doing as a couple. And don’t feel that the way to get to a decision is to cave to his demands. If you believe strongly that you do want children, then agreeing to live without them will eventually tear your marriage apart.

 

[Linda_Marie]

This is all well and good so long as you DON’T get married while this issue is still unresolved between the two of you. What’s more, part of the vows in a Catholic marriage ceremony obligates you to be open to children.

Be as patient as you want, but don’t take on the commitment or vow until you are clear on what you will be doing as a couple. And don’t feel that the way to get to a decision is to cave to his demands. If you believe strongly that you do want children, then agreeing to live without them will eventually tear your marriage apart.

I thought about that after I posted. The thing is, she is already legally married to this second man. When I got my marriage regularized, one of the big questions was “Do you intend to deny your spouse children?” If the answer to this is yes by either party, you will not be able to be sacramentally married in the Church. It is an absolute. It really isn’t her choice here. If he intends to deny her children, the Church will not marry them.

Erina, I think you might find that your marriage to your current husband is not valid in the eyes of the Church either. Your situation sounds a bit complicated to me and you should really get a canon lawyer to look into both marriages for you. This is where you need to be patient. It could take some time.

I agree with Island Oak that if you believe strongly that you want children and he adamantly doesn’t, this will tear your marriage apart, sacramental or not, even if you decide not to become a Catholic and remain in your marriage as it is.

I think you might find some discussions with your priest about your situation to be helpful. You can tell him more details and he can advise you. Make an appointment to see him.

My prayers are with you in your difficult situation.

 

[Erina]

Just an update: I visited a priest, and he told me to be patient. My husband, on the other hand, says he’ll never sign papers saying he’ll be open to life if I want a convalidation (assuming I receive a decree of nullity from my first marriage).

I’ll just be patient, with God’s help, of course.

 

[Macbook_Fun]

He told you his desires beforehand. This is not his fault in any way. Don’t force him to have children if he does not want them; everyone will end up miserable.

 

[SMHW]

He told you his desires beforehand. This is not his fault in any way. Don’t force him to have children if he does not want them; everyone will end up miserable.

While I don’t disagree with this, the OP’s options for regularizing her marriage with her current legal husband are limited.

No one should force another to have children. But a person who absolutely does not want to have children cannot have his desire and also validly marry. (Yes, I know some people cannot have children but that does not mean they are not open to the possibility of a miracle.)

 

[MCGar]

Both, really. I’ve always been very wishy-washy and accomodating with people, caving in to their line of thought. Catholicism has given me a backbone and a clear-headedness about what I believe in, though.

You know, my heart breaks for your pain but I really think God has given you a gift. In your conversion He’s given you a gift of finding who you are.
I don’t know, maybe this experiance is one of the most painful and frustrating you might face but if it gives you back yourself, then it’s all that more precious.

Prayers for your situation. I agree with the priest in having patience.

 

[dianaballein]

While I don’t disagree with this, the OP’s options for regularizing her marriage with her current legal husband are limited.

No one should force another to have children. But a person who absolutely does not want to have children cannot have his desire and also validly marry. (Yes, I know some people cannot have children but that does not mean they are not open to the possibility of a miracle.)

If your husband did not want children, and you did, you entered into the marriage in a very non-sacramental state to begin with, and I believe this is a very valid ground to also get this marriage annulled. The desire to have children on your part should not be overlooked, and you should enter into a marriage lovingly with a man who feels the same, and who hopefully worships the same as you do.

 

[rick43235]

He told you his desires beforehand. This is not his fault in any way. Don’t force him to have children if he does not want them; everyone will end up miserable.

…the OP’s options for regularizing her marriage with her current legal husband are limited.

The desire to have children on your part should not be overlooked, and you should enter into a marriage lovingly with a man who feels the same, and who hopefully worships the same as you do.

I agree with all of these statements. If having children is that important to you and your husband refuses, then I don’t think it would be unreasonable for you to divorce him and find someone who shares your feelings about children. If you go that route, however, don’t try to fool yourself about who caused this train wreck. Your husband was up front from the beginning about his lack of interest in children, and you married him anyway. Try to be a bit more selective next time.

 

[Pinkyyy]

Hi Erina,

Well, you thought you could handle this and yes, gave up who you are for this man and now you are regretting it. You can’t just put the desire aside to have children and if you want to join in the RCC, as was said, they will not marry you in the church unless he’s open to children (if you want to become catholic you may not be able to stay in an invalid marriage - check with your priest to see if you are or not in a valid marriage). According to the church, if you want to “avoid” children (my wording, obviously not the church’s wording) you must be celibate or you must be open to children. That means if you are serious about following catholicism, you must not use any artificial birth control - you can only use natural family planning to try to avoid pregnancy. If you use it your whole marriage, it’s almost a guarantee that you will have a baby at some point. Would he then pressure you to abort? This is something to consider - would he do that if you were to get pregnant?

I know it’s hard to think about being without someone, but when this issue came up before marriage, you should have also been honest if you wanted children then because it will only tear you apart now. You could have moved on more easily then than now. You have to now decide if you want to remain married to him or have children. Like I said, speak to a priest to see if your marriage is even valid because if you want to be in the RCC, then I doubt you want to be in an invalid marriage by it’s eyes.

He may try to compromise with you - only one. But, as I said, artificial birth control is against the church (of course, discuss this with your priest and follow the advice he gives, it may be different than what you’re getting here).

Good luck.

 

[dianaballein]

Hi Erina,

Well, you thought you could handle this and yes, gave up who you are for this man and now you are regretting it. You can’t just put the desire aside to have children and if you want to join in the RCC, as was said, they will not marry you in the church unless he’s open to children (if you want to become catholic you may not be able to stay in an invalid marriage - check with your priest to see if you are or not in a valid marriage). According to the church, if you want to “avoid” children (my wording, obviously not the church’s wording) you must be celibate or you must be open to children. That means if you are serious about following catholicism, you must not use any artificial birth control - you can only use natural family planning to try to avoid pregnancy. If you use it your whole marriage, it’s almost a guarantee that you will have a baby at some point. Would he then pressure you to abort? This is something to consider - would he do that if you were to get pregnant?

QUOTE]

OP, I would not want to see you get yourself into this scenario, no matter what you think your husband may or may not do. Your child deserves a Mother AND a Father…and your baby deserves to be wanted, with all the love in the world.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

Here’s my question-
What if the husband reveals AFTER you are married that he does not want to have children? Does this nullify the marriage?

 

[ack]

If not wanting to have children was his intention from the very beginning, then yes, the marriage is nullified.

If he intended to have children in the beginning but changed his mind later, it is not.

Here’s my question-
What if the husband reveals AFTER you are married that he does not want to have children? Does this nullify the marriage?

 

[Sasha]

Here’s my question-
What if the husband reveals AFTER you are married that he does not want to have children? Does this nullify the marriage?

Yes, assuming you mean he never wanted children but lied about it before the marriage. I do know of a situation where the husband claimed he wanted children before marrying and then said he changed his mind afterward. The marriage was declared null. The person who told me that indicated it was because the tribunal did not believe that he “changed his mind”. And, I was told this because of my own situation, which includes a husband who left me earlier this year and who “claimed” to want children before marriage, but it was clear once we were married that he did not.

On that note, no two people are the same, but I will say this to the OP: I always wanted children. Having a family was the most important thing to me. Even if my marriage is declared null, my chances of having a child are virtually over due to my age. It is a huge void in me that I can’t describe. It doesn’t get any easier. I do encourage you to listen to your priest, and I will pray for you, but if you are anything like me, your desire to have children will not lessen as time goes on.

 

[Erina]

He told you his desires beforehand. This is not his fault in any way. Don’t force him to have children if he does not want them; everyone will end up miserable.

Oh yes, I totally realize this.

My husband rarely had interest in having intercourse with me prior to my desire to convert to Catholicism. Sex, he says, is not something he desires (he is partially disabled, though). I had to beg him to consummate the marriage after one week. My husband would rather spend time drinking with male friends, and leaves me alone most of the time, as well. So, living in continence isn’t much of a struggle.

I talk to yet another priest soon.