Husband is a video game addict

[pilgrim_mama]

This is one of those long, my marriage is a disaster posts so I apologize… I tried to make it as concise as possible

a bit of background: We got married at 19 & 20. 6 years ago. We have an almost 5 yr old and 2 yr old. I am a SAHM. We use NFP. We were married in the Church (I was not Catholic), then he decided he didn’t believe in God anymore and I became Catholic around the same time. We both said we wanted a lot of children and for the past 2 years he says no more, which was completely devastating to me but not the point of this post. He also had an affair 3 years ago, it lasted about a week before I found out (sex did not occur, I have forgiven him but, just… fyi).

He plays on average 40 hours a week (and if not playing he is reading forums about the game). And goes to work everyday. It has never been this bad, but he has always played hours daily and has gradually progressed to this point. We just moved into a larger house and he insisted on having his own gaming room, he stays in there and only comes out to eat. I have stopped asking him for any help with the kids, because he usually just gets mad at them or goes to sleep on the couch or just ignores them and paces around like he doesn’t know what to do with himself. and I don’t even tell him when dinner is ready anymore. For the past several years he refuses to go anywhere with us to do fun family things (maybe once every few months he will come somewhere). the last few weeks I have been cheerful, in a good mood, etc instead of upset at him whenever he IS around and it has made no difference in his amount of playing, though he seems to be in a better mood when he is around. He has shown no interest in sex in several weeks which has never happened before. I caught him looking at porn last night (which he is also addicted to but he has told me for the last year he doesn’t watch it anymore). I said “what was that?!” he said “what do you think?” then got up and went to bed. I can’t figure out what he was looking at because it wasn’t in his browser history. So then I changed the background on his computer to a collage of pictures of us, I swear if he has changed it back to a picture of his video game I will lose it.

I just read a book on video game addiction and am now realizing it is a real illness involving altering brain chemistry (dopamine) and even setting limits doesn’t help because the addict will feed the addiction in other ways (obsessing, looking at forums, etc), the only thing that allows the brain to reset to normal levels is quitting all together to cause a detox period/withdrawal symptoms. I am convinced this is why he has lost all of the values he once considered important (God, raising a family, etc), well I’m sure the porn addiction is a great part too. From what I have been reading it seems like the only time the “addict” realizes they have destroyed their families is after the family leaves them. I really don’t want to do this and I’m not sure if it is a good or terrible idea anyway. We live thousands of miles from our families, it would be very expensive to fly and near impossible to drive given the time of year. none of my local friends have houses large enough for us to stay in (and also have children of their own) And I’m worried it wouldn’t work and then what, I just come back anyway? He frequently says during arguments he wishes we had never gotten married so he could be alone or that he wishes he didn’t have kids. He will say this in front of the children too.

I know I need to contact a priest for counseling, I’m planning on doing that this week. I just want some outside opinions. I know the devil is trying to attack me because I even browsed catholicmatch the other day to see "what else was out there " and I have never before in our marriage even looked at another man in that way . I keep going back and forth between thinking of St Monica’s difficult marriage and thinking how this is terrible and unfair for me and our children. I have been depressed the last few days because after reading all of this addiction stuff, I have gotten it into my head that this will never get better. I want our children to have a father who wants to be around them. And I’m not sure how much longer I can do it all alone around here.

Is staying in the house the best thing to do if there isn’t abuse? I’m really struggling to discern God’s will in this situation.

 

[4love2God]

pilgrim mama asks : "Is staying in the house the best thing to do if there isn’t abuse? I’m really struggling to discern God’s will in this situation."

First, you do not need to make Long-Term plans yet.
Maybe you should move out for a few days to see how it feels (Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder).
If you are in a Religious Cult (for example), you can’t see what’s happening until you spend a little while OUT in the Real World.

Second, until you actually talk to a priest (or other therapist), it is better to not over-think things.
This cycling over-and-over just causes Confusion and Frustration (which just make things seem worse).

Third, what option are you ACTUALLY considering?
I mean, if Divorce is not an option, then you will married to this guy until the day that one of you is Dead.
So, in that case, you better find out a way to Deal with It (you know, like, focus on your Kids, and build up those relationships).
It isn’t that you have no one other than Hubby to make your Life worth living.
Either that, or take up playing video games yourself (so you can play against him 20 hours a week, and have SOME sort of two-way relationship).

And, if Divorce IS an Option, then you have a lot more Power than you think.
So, you can hold on to the feeling of empowerment, and feel good, because you can end it whenever you want to.
YOU have the Power.

 

[k5rakitan]

That’s scary. I think you need to get a bunch of people together for an intervention. Perhaps turn off your power and/or internet for a while.

I had a minor internet addiction, and spent two weeks with my grandmother last summer. She didn’t have internet, so being offline gave me a chance to reflect and reorganize my life a bit. It was like a retreat.

See if you can get him away from the computer for a retreat or something like that. Unfortunately you can’t force him to do anything unless he is a danger to himself or others. Perhaps he’s a danger for neglecting the children?

 

[Robertanthony]

This is one of those long, my marriage is a disaster posts so I apologize… I tried to make it as concise as possible

a bit of background: We got married at 19 & 20. 6 years ago. We have an almost 5 yr old and 2 yr old. I am a SAHM. We use NFP. We were married in the Church (I was not Catholic), then he decided he didn’t believe in God anymore and I became Catholic around the same time. We both said we wanted a lot of children and for the past 2 years he says no more, which was completely devastating to me but not the point of this post. He also had an affair 3 years ago, it lasted about a week before I found out (sex did not occur, I have forgiven him but, just… fyi).

He plays on average 40 hours a week (and if not playing he is reading forums about the game). And goes to work everyday. It has never been this bad, but he has always played hours daily and has gradually progressed to this point. We just moved into a larger house and he insisted on having his own gaming room, he stays in there and only comes out to eat. I have stopped asking him for any help with the kids, because he usually just gets mad at them or goes to sleep on the couch or just ignores them and paces around like he doesn’t know what to do with himself. and I don’t even tell him when dinner is ready anymore. For the past several years he refuses to go anywhere with us to do fun family things (maybe once every few months he will come somewhere). the last few weeks I have been cheerful, in a good mood, etc instead of upset at him whenever he IS around and it has made no difference in his amount of playing, though he seems to be in a better mood when he is around. He has shown no interest in sex in several weeks which has never happened before. I caught him looking at porn last night (which he is also addicted to but he has told me for the last year he doesn’t watch it anymore). I said “what was that?!” he said “what do you think?” then got up and went to bed. I can’t figure out what he was looking at because it wasn’t in his browser history. So then I changed the background on his computer to a collage of pictures of us, I swear if he has changed it back to a picture of his video game I will lose it.

With a few clicks, your browsing history is deleted. I’m sure, though, it leaves traces elsewhere on the computer. Smarter, more knowledgeable people could chime in. It’s “funny” how Jesus said that Judas should have never been born, it tells me that God brings into this world people who should not have been brought into this world. Your husband is a self-absorbed, scornful, immature, narcissic, petty man. He could not have turned from caring, selfless, loving into a disgusting toad overnight. If he had showed his true self, he knew his chance at a relationship/marriage was null. My mom tried to bend over backwards to please my dad, to get him interested in her, did not work. If I knew you I’d invite you over to my parents’ so you could see what a decades-long, loveless marriage, blessed by God (–>Catholic), is all about. If your husband is like my dad, he has a major character flaw and his heart appears frozen. Perhaps he was neglected as a kid, bullied as a kid, sexually abused as a kid or he has autistic traits, whichever the case may be, he’s garbage father material.

 

[anonymous_in_fl]

Internet addiction/gaming addiction is a real addiction!
It serves as an “escape” from stress, much the way alcohol and drugs do, or people who compulsively shop or gamble.

I agree with a previous poster----- he needs a professional intervention and treatment.

This will not get better on its own.

Talk to your priest, your family, and his family. He needs help.

 

[DJgang]

Yeah honey he’s addicted and depressed. You sound like a wonderful wife and mother. Men sometimes just do not know what to do with children, and they just go numb and hide. It’s all new to him too.

An alanon meeting wouldn’t hurt ya to attend. Helps you realize that your not in control of his actions. Maybe you can get some peace there.

Would he be willing to spend time with y’all outside of the home? Maybe give him advanced notice of an evening in the park or doing something, just anything. Start slowly disconnecting him from the house and the addiction? And I agree, if you could possibly get away for a day or so yourself, that wouldn’t hurt. I know it’s hard with children that age.

Some good advice here so far. Good and supportive and not telling you to hit the road …

Remember to pray for him not about him hugs.

 

[ricofall]

Your husband is a self-absorbed, scornful, immature, narcissic, petty man. He could not have turned from caring, selfless, loving into a disgusting toad overnight. If he had showed his true self, he knew his chance at a relationship/marriage was null.

Please refrain from insulting the OP’s hubby like that. That helps no one and leads down paths that become hateful and full of resentment.

 

[Xantippe]

pilgrim mama,

I think you’re correct about the addiction stuff. I can’t speak to how to handle that, but I would definitely encourage you to start working on how to become financially independent. Think about a career path and start working toward it. You don’t have to do anything radical right now, but you’ll have more choices if you can support yourself and your children.

 

[firead]

Do you know what games he is playing, because it almost sings like porn may be as much of an issue here. There are some ways to monitor internet traffic if you have access to the computer - GoMcGruff.com offers a free trial of monitoring software, or you can set up OpenDNS, which can track sites visited or be used for filtering, but is a but more complicated to “read” the results of.

Be careful with filtering or shutting it off though, my husband has a problem with porn and fetish sites and one of the only times he has acted threatening toward me was when I blocked access to these things from out home network.

As others have said, save money and make plans in case you need to separate for your and the children’s sakes, because sometimes sticking around is just being used and enabling the behavior and it is such a depressing and powerless feeling to know things are broken and feel that you have no options other than to let it go on and act like everything is OK.