Husband left me, now what?

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Philena

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This is a very hard time for me. My husband left me last month. He is an alcoholic, so in a way it is kind of a relief. But it is also a defeat. We were married less than a year. We fought practially the whole year. He has made it clear that he has no intention of coming back. Meanwhile the bills are due and I can’t afford the mortgage. I just don’t know what to do. Should I pray for reconciliation? If he doesn’t give up the bottle I don’t want to be reconciled. Should I fight for our marriage? We fought for the past 12 months. Should I let him go let him file for divorce? That’s what he wants. What would the church say? Am I at fault? Would an annulment be possible or granted? This was my second marriage and I just went through the annulment process to marry Sam. My kids from my first marriage are just happy to see him go. I’m very confused and unhappy and lonely and broke.

The Catholic church is a very lonely place to be sometimes. I told my priest last Sunday that I need to talk to him but he hasn’t called me.

Advice?
 
Oh dear. Philena, I am so sorry to hear this. I will pray for you and your children tonite and at Mass tomorrow morning.

You have many questions, understandably. I don’t know if you want to work through each of them on this forum (just given the amount of typing, clarification & disclosure of so many details that it would entail).

I would suggest that you contact your priest again, let him know that it’s important, and ask to schedule a time to meet. Try not to assume the worst; it’s summer & he could be taking time off or filling in for someone else.

In the meantime, have you taken steps to protect your finances, so that he cannot drain any accounts & so you can pay bills?

This upcoming Sunday’s reading is: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden…” Remember that Jesus is right beside you, carrying your burdens with you. Don’t despair; cling to Him.

God bless you.
 
I am very sorry also, and will include you in my prayers.

I agree with the advice already given to you. Also, are there any family members you can turn to for financial help at this time, just to get you by?

God bless.
 
Call your Priest again, maybe he honestly forgot (remember they are human too). You need to talk one on one with him. I will pray for you and your children as well as your husband because he to needs help. Also besides talking to your Priest, find an al-non (I think thats how its spelled) group in your area. It can help deal with family members of alocholics.:blessyou:
 
I hope you have gone to a support group of family of alcholics as well like alanon. They will help you and your children cope even though he is out of your home. Many dioceses also have St.Vincent DePaul Societies to help you with short term financial crunches, and perhaps they can direct you to social agencies to help you through the tough times. Lean on family and friends who are willing to provide assistance to you. Now is not the time to try to get back up on your own.You also should go to a lawyer to protect your legal interests so that you do not lose your home. There are some free legal services, but you may have to do that research yourself to find them in your area. Many dioceses also have family ministry agencies that will help your family cope as well. And with all things…pray and trust in the goodness of the Lord.
 
Contact your local Knights of Columbus council and see if there is anything they can do to help you.
 
Wow, I’m so sorry to hear that. I pray that things will work out for you in the near future.
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StephanieC:
In the meantime, have you taken steps to protect your finances, so that he cannot drain any accounts & so you can pay bills?
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It’s a tough time, but StephanieC is right, if you and your husband cosigned on the bank accounts and houses, you might think about transferring the money to a single account to keep him from draining them out. Cancel the credit cards as well.

I’m so sorry to hear this, and I will say a prayer for you.

Eamon
 
Thank you for your kind words. The St. Vincent Society did help me with my electric and water bill last month. God bless them for that. I’m juggling finances now so I can wait for my next paycheck to pay the mortage before the late fee kicks in again. I’m looking for a second job, but I live in a small town, jobs are hard to get, and I think that employers don’t want to hire someone for part time work who already has a full time job. Plus, I have three teenagers at home.

Al-anon is a good idea. I should check it out. I haven’t got a lawyer yet, because I don’t have the money available to hire one.

I just feel like such a failure, yet I know in my heart I did everything I could to save this marriage. I don’t want to be single again, yet I don’t want to live in a hellish marriage that is fueled by alcohol.
 
I’m so sorry to hear of this happening. I agree with everyone else for their advice.

I won’t/can’t go into details here-- but I found myself in a financial position much like yours — for a reason much like yours – a few years ago… so perhaps what I have to say may be helpful for you?

This feeling of guilt is natural… yet not at all appropriate. You have done NOTHING – NOTHING to cause your husband’s actions. He made those choices freely.

Please allow yourelf to forgive him. I’m passing on to you in the exact words here what my priest told me at the time. My priest said this in these exact words:

“Veronica Anne, you may not ever FEEL the feeling of forgiveness. God just wants you to WANT to forgive your husband. He’ll (God) will take it from there. Forgive yourself. You have done NOTHING wrong – there’s no excuse for what your husband did. He made that choice to act that way. God wants for you to just WANT to forgive. Now, Veronica Anne – I hope that you’ve taken steps to protect yourself financially and legally – if you have any joint accounts – close 'em and take that money and put it into an account that has JUST your name on it!”

Love that priest. 👍

Immediately–! do as I did to protect myself financially – close out any joint accounts you have at the bank – transfer all the funds in any joint accounts you have at the bank to an account that has only your name on it.

Alcoholism was not a part of the story for me or my husband… yet I learned and benefited from Al-Anon a lonngggggg time ago when I learned/realized my steady boyfriend (years before I met my husband) was an alcoholic. You can look up in your local phone book for where Alcholics Anonymous and where Al-Anon groups are in your town. Even though it’s a small town, the culture and practice of these groups are charted to be VERY MUCH into keeping confidentiality of who their members are.

Meetings are free. Coffee and tea are sometimes available at those meetings – with a cup to take change for donations to pay for the coffee on an optional basis.

There’s Al-Anon for adults whose life is impacted by someone’s drinking – by anyone at all in their life who suffers from alcoholism.

There’s also Al-Ateen for teens whose life is impacted by someone’s drinking - by anyone at all in their life who suffers from alcoholism.

al-anon.alateen.org/

al-anon.alateen.org/english.html

1-888-4AL-ANON

1-888-425-2666

al-anon.alateen.org/english.html

Use this page to locate a meeting that is held at a location and date/time convenient for you:

al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

This is not a time to hole up. Going to Al-Anon and Al-Ateen will give you and your children folks to talk with who understand and know what goes on with alcoholics… and with how it is to be affected by someone’s drinking — even to the point of wha your husband chose to do.

Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. The Lord will DEFINITELY provide for you all that you need. Even though it’ll be in His time – it’s going to be at the RIGHT and the BEST time for you to receive it. He loves you too much not to provide.

You’ll be okay… it’s tough – VERY tough… I know. Believe me… I KNOW!! Yet God’s got nothing but the best for you in His plans. Trust Him. Meantime, I’m keeping you in my prayers.
 
Philena

No advice really, just prayers and hugs. I am going through something similar right now regarding and alcoholic husband. I posted a question in Ask an Apologist on June 30 if you want to look that up. Father Vincent responded. His response would answer some of your questions too perhaps.

Hang in there sister. Take care of yourself and your kids. Do what you need to do to protect yourself. You did nothing wrong.

Diane
 
Aside from Veronica Anne’s very good priest’s advice- if you live near a university,even a 25 mile distance, that has a law school, contact them. There are what are known as 4711s and they need the practice. They work under an attorney. They can represent you at a very reduced rate or even free.

My cousin had great success with Al-Anon. They really seemed to help her be herself.

I’m praying for you (really, you get to move to second in the list).😉
 
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Philena:
…I just feel like such a failure, yet I know in my heart I did everything I could to save this marriage. I don’t want to be single again, yet I don’t want to live in a hellish marriage that is fueled by alcohol.
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Oh my dear…please don’t think of yourself as a failure. You didn’t do anything wrong!! In fact it sounds as if you are doing all things right. Take a deep breath…call the priest…and get legal advice. But DON’T feel obligated to stay with someone who abuses you!
~ Kathy ~
 
Along with all the good advice you’ve been given, if your teenaged children are old enough to work, let them get jobs to help you all out. After all, they eat so if they are old enough and able, they should work too, even if it’s only weekends or a couple of hours a day. Every little bit adds up.

And I will remember you all in my prayers.
 
My husband left me at the end of March…Good Friday to be exact. His parents bought him a home in a neighboring town and all was done behind my back. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I’m so very, very sorry you and your children are having to go through this.

I cannot stress enough to trust the Lord. You are His child and He loves you. Take one day at a time.

I was watching a show on Mother Teresa tonight and she was quoted as saying “God has lots of money.” She never feared where she was going to get what she needed for the poor…she always knew God would provide. What peace to surrender your worries like that!

Continue to pray for your husband and if it is God’s will, pray for reconciliation…but remember, we can’t try to guess what God’s going to do or what God has planned for us. But we can trust that He takes care of His faithful. He’s promised us that!

I spent over a year offering up masses for my marriage to become a sacrament (we were married by a rabbi as I wasn’t an obedient catholic then). I thought for sure my husband was going to agree and that we would receive God’s graces in our marriage, etc., etc.

I don’t believe that God necessarily wanted my marriage to end, but I do believe that my husband was not open to receive the grace needed to change things. Now that my husband has left and we are divorcing, I have seen God in action as my defender, protector, and provider.

If you can, remember to offer up your suffering and try to remember how blessed you are that Our Lord has given you a share in His cross. I know it’s hard. I know. But please, please, please devote more time to prayer and trust Him…He already has this worked out for you.

God bless you and your children and may Our Lord fill you with His peace and strength.

Oh, and remember too…when satan tries to get you to feel as if you can’t take/handle anymore…remember, you can do all things through Christ.

Ann
 
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Philena:
I just feel like such a failure, yet I know in my heart I did everything I could to save this marriage. I don’t want to be single again, yet I don’t want to live in a hellish marriage that is fueled by alcohol.
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Your NOT a failure! your marriage just failed. And you tried. At lest you can have that thought.:angel1:
God Bless you!!!
 
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backhome:
My husband left me at the end of March…Good Friday to be exact. His parents bought him a home in a neighboring town and all was done behind my back. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I’m so very, very sorry you and your children are having to go through this.

I cannot stress enough to trust the Lord. You are His child and He loves you. Take one day at a time.

I was watching a show on Mother Teresa tonight and she was quoted as saying “God has lots of money.” She never feared where she was going to get what she needed for the poor…she always knew God would provide. What peace to surrender your worries like that!

Continue to pray for your husband and if it is God’s will, pray for reconciliation…but remember, we can’t try to guess what God’s going to do or what God has planned for us. But we can trust that He takes care of His faithful. He’s promised us that!

I spent over a year offering up masses for my marriage to become a sacrament (we were married by a rabbi as I wasn’t an obedient catholic then). I thought for sure my husband was going to agree and that we would receive God’s graces in our marriage, etc., etc.

I don’t believe that God necessarily wanted my marriage to end, but I do believe that my husband was not open to receive the grace needed to change things. Now that my husband has left and we are divorcing, I have seen God in action as my defender, protector, and provider.

If you can, remember to offer up your suffering and try to remember how blessed you are that Our Lord has given you a share in His cross. I know it’s hard. I know. But please, please, please devote more time to prayer and trust Him…He already has this worked out for you.

God bless you and your children and may Our Lord fill you with His peace and strength.

Oh, and remember too…when satan tries to get you to feel as if you can’t take/handle anymore…remember, you can do all things through Christ.

Ann
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Oh This is GREAT advice!!!👍
What encouragement!!!

That makes sense! We do what is right and try our hardest and if he still won’t repent and come back God will be our stranght! He will be our help That is so comforting
:amen: **AND:blessyou: **
.
 
Is the mortgage in both your names? If it is in his name, by all means, leave it! If it is in both your names, have you called your mortgage company to tell them of your situation? They may be able to help you. In your situation, a foreclosure may not be the worst thing, especially if you find an apartment with your mortgage payment before forclosure. You might also be able to sell if you have enough equity. If you have plenty of equity you might be able to have your agent list it at a very attractive price and get just enough out of it to pay for an apartment.

I was not in your exact situation, but my husband and I purchased a home, thinking we would be stationed in our location for 10 yrs. The military decided to force him to cross train into a different job and we had to move. We only had three years of equity in our home in a buyer’s market. It took our house a year to sell. We did everything in our power to avoid forclosure. It wiped out our savings, we started putting things on our credit cards to make ends meet, all because we didtn’ want a forclosure on our record. It has taken us 5 years to recover and pay off all the debt this caused us. We know several people who declared bankruptcy in our situation or who forclosed and were able to buy houses right away. Yet we, who struggled not to foreclose and went from having an amazingly perfect credit score, to barely able to get a car loan. See if you can get some financial advice. An expert will be able to inform you of your options and what will be least hurtful to your credit and pocketbook.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. You need to get to the reason why you chose to marry an alcoholic. If he has been drinking and you have been fighting for the entire year you were married, he must have shown signs before your were married. You need to take care of yourself and get the counselling you need to be able make good choices about men. Try not to blame yourself, but take the time to heal, and get counselling for yourself and your children before this cycle repeats itself, or you find yourself in a destructive relationship again.

I am generally supportive of marriage, but it sounds as if this marriage was doomed from the start and you will probably need to let it go and move on with healing your wounds. I urge you to see a Catholic counselor or spiritual advisor. I say Catholic because you need spiritual healing.

God Bless You!
 
Veronica Anne:
Immediately–! do as I did to protect myself financially – close out any joint accounts you have at the bank – transfer all the funds in any joint accounts you have at the bank to an account that has only your name on it.
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in many states, you CANNOT do this. a joint account cannot be closed without consent of both spouses. You may request from a COURT, that the bank stop transactions from his card or checks because you have REASONABLE grounds that he might empty the money or short change you.

if you empty the account via transfer without his consent or knowledge, it may come back to you during civil proceedings (divorce) that you attempted to either steal from him or to hide assets from his lawyer’s discovery. he and you are both entitled due process, so its a 2 way street.

there are times when ive been called to a residence where a guy about to be divorced is trashing the house or car because “1/2” of it is “his”. legally, the police cannot do anything because under most states laws, all property and assets are joint. the person has every right to destroy common property (witin reasonable and lawful means) because they are owners of it UNLESS there are legal orders in place.

what you can do is seek an order of separation or protection which will:
  1. allow the state to revoke all firearms permits
  2. prevent him from unauthrized or excessive money transactions and the property/house
  3. establish your intent to separate/divorce, which then gives you a definite date from which you may seek to divide assets. i.e. if you have $100,000 in assets and he pushes a $20,000 car off a cliff, that $$ is taken from HIS share.
  4. gives you a means with which to prosecute him if he attempts any funny buisiness
in short, GET A LAWYER. unless you have legal papers or a court order, when he decides to saw the car in half because he is mad at you and wants “his half”, all the police can do it just sit and watch, maybe hoping he breaks some small law.
 
another thing:

new domestic violence laws in many states REQUIRE an arrest or removal of ONE of the involved. that way, this doesnt happen:

the police come, things cool down, they leave, and one spouse kills the other. police are held liable.

i usually give 2 options if there is no visible physical violence:
  1. BOTH people are coming to jail with me, and i assume that BOTH have hit each other and no marks are visible, YET. then tell them i can file assult charges on behalf the state for each other against each other. (remember, police are allowed to use deception, because i sure as heck CANT do that-- 🙂 )
  2. ONE person leaves (i dont care who) and DOES NOT RETURN for at least 24 hours. if that person does come back before then, and we are called again, i am hauling that person to jail.
if he visits at all, and you feel threatened, or he visits you when youve repeatedly told him not to, give the police a call and have 'em come on down and set him straight. then grab a copy of the report and head on down to see the judge.

im rambling here, but do get a lawyer and do realize that if you dont want him there or he has made withdrawls/transactions without your knowledge, call the police. if you reasonably beleive you have been stolen from, the police MUST investigate and determine whether or not HE was the one who did it, or someone stole HIS card/check.
 
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