Husband lying about porn on Christmas for the second time, lying about porn for the ENTIRE MARRRIAGE

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with transparent blouses, and the such. I also managed to find last night a link that proved to me he as a fake email account. I took pictures of everything, with the dates, with my phone to back me up. I told him “calmly” about my discoverings and also that we’d have to speak after Christmas, away from my child. Obviously he was scared I was leaving. He took us to see Christmas shows and gave me jewelry last night at Christmas Eve. He ALWAYS acts like this, a Saint, whenever I am distant, and just keeping it polite. Actually I can assure you all I can see how deeply terrified he is. He tries to please me so much it’s honestly annoying…because it comes out of fear, and trying to talk me into his LIES again. May I add he never admitted to it unless I found out. Last night I lost it when I confirmed he was indeed on Pinterested very recently…which he had lied already he didn’t do, doing u know what.
 
Sorry. It got deleted somehow. He lied about porn for the entire marriage, 7 years. First time I found out was coming back from honeymoon. Last Christmas again, so I said I’d give him one chance otherwise would divorce him. He got rid of his smartphone til I trusted him to get a new one - and found out again prior to this years Christmas Eve. But when I mentioned we’d have to talk today as I had PROOF and would give him a last chance if he admitted to it and sought help, he told me to get out. Until this, he only though I suspected. And said the old “I didn’t do anything! Please believe me!”. So when I said we’d have to talk about the screenshots I have, he treated me in a very demeaning and rude manner. I never know if he will wake up to agree he was wrong and treat me decently or if he will be this rude monster who will pretend nothing ever happened.
I will NOT go after him again. This is just wrong. I have nowhere to go. And I don’t want to divorce and have my family destroyed over something like this. At the same time, I cannot even look at him. He destroys the entire marriage with porn and is rude about it? NO. NOT AGAIN. PLEASE HELP.
 
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Your husband is spoiling his relationship with you and God both of which are very serious. His addiction to pornography is a common modern weakness in many men, it might be wise to ask him to seek help for this addiction or risk losing his marriage and his relationship with God.

Today, of all days, perhaps you might think about this sacred day for us Catholics. Forgiveness and love is the order of the day, if you still love the man you married then you might try to forgive his weakness, have pity on him as he needs your help again with this. He should be told that for him it may be trivial but for you it feels like a betrayal of your vows. But today, Christmas Day, try to forgive him as Jesus was born this day for our forgiveness and salvation. Next year perhaps you can work together on this problem, I hope so.

God bless.
 
I’m so sorry you’ve had to find this out, on today of all days.

Try not to make any decisions right now. Give yourself a few days to process everything and think about it. Surround yourself with your wider family and loved ones.
 
Lala79 said:
so I said I’d give him one chance otherwise would divorce him.
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It sounds like it would help you to understand the how and why of this addiction. It won’t make you feel any better (probably) but it will help you respond to it most effectively. The nature of addiction is that the person loses will power so that it is no longer just a simple choice.

For Your Marriage has some good links.

Like all addiction, it destroys marriages, families, and lives. Loved ones also need to recover from the wounds of it, and understanding the nature of addiction helps you to have realistic expectations.
 
I have a lot of sympathy for you, because I am in the same boat. My husband has been lieing to me for 20 years. He decided 22 years ago he didn’t want to have anymore children. He denied me my marital rights, and then looked at porn. I found it several different times. He apologized and got rude when I wanted things to change, just like yours did.

Porn takes away a man’s desire for his wife and for intimacy. It substitutes visual for the real. If it is indulged in long enough a man cannot have relations. It is a very serious addiction and effects the brain.

He has not changed or sought help, until now. I am ready to walk out. Our children have been raised and it is really sad how isolated and rejected I’ve felt all these years. From someone who has been through this, if he is unwilling to go to an expert on this addiction and part with his computer or phone, he will not change. Get help. Look into an annulment. He clearly did not understand the nature of a commitment in marriage. I wish I had taken a different course of action earlier in my life. I have felt very alone for a long time.
 
It seems many people, men (and surprise some women), in the West do not view Porn as ‘cheating’. Last year at an Abbey we attend now and then, the Abbot spoke out against Pornography. He basically stated it is a form of Adultery, it is cheating your spouse out of your time, attention, and often money. Not a lesser form of cheating either. (I have read that the average length of time a ‘physical affair’ lasts is 3 months. Porn use can last a lifetime. 😦 )

It is not ‘entertainment’. According to Fr. Ripperger and other exorcists, it’s a gateway for the demonic.

You are in my prayers.
 
*** To all of you my beloved who took some of your precious time to pray and write me**: - first of all, I’m so humbled and moved by you! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

I am right now in a state that aim just mostly quiet. I pray, and I also do some journaling after praying.

I did have a very brief yet serious “conversation” - and I use the quote marks here because honestly, it was a very simple and right to the point warning. Y’all know what I’m talking about. SO, I’m watching him. From distance, because I set boundaries with him being around me. I did not change the routine so that my child has no idea that nothing bad is going on, AND because honestly, I’m looking for my self-care, in all senses, first of all. He knows about the options, as in, talking to a Priest, going to Adoration (we’re neighbors with a Church) etc etc etc. he also knows very well Fr Rippergers teachings on this. Good news is he got what seems to me like a very serious wake up call from a Priest who’s our friend. I didn’t ask, I didn’t want to hear. He’s free to go on the path he chooses, and he said he chooses God and his family. BUT, I’m very quiet about it, as I am very aware of the need to observe consistent actions.

I will be writing more to you guys as soon as it’s not so touchy of a subject as it is right now, you know? All I can say to you ladies here, besides please do keep praying for us here, is that: I am, myself, praying for each one of you. I’ll take your names to the Chapel I’m neighbors with. I do not want to feed more anger. Not anymore, nope. I’m too young, too happy to be living, to feed on devils stuff. Huge no no. You have no idea how much you have helped me to get up again. Stronger than I’ve ever been. Just reading all theses replies for the last days
 
PART 2
  • He’s spending a good amount of time going to Adoration…on his own. I always make sure I go by myself.
  • He’s cryed a lot. I let him know I forgive him. (I do, I’m not open to be devils playground) but I did add: “does not mean I have to stay.”
    This most definitely got him moving. But what stood out more for me was hearing he was doing it for himself first. Well, good for him.
    As for me, I appreciate all the prayers, and I will keep you updated. I’m just making my best not to waste my energy on the subject right now, like I did the other time it happened - and it’s working wonders for me. Much love and prayers your way. Again, I’m so thankful.
 
I’m always guarded in my answers, especially when things seem too good to be true, but:

He’s actually doing something that could lead to a miracle!!! He’s working on changing his destructive lies and habits-and-he’s doing it for HIMSELF!!! Most professionals say that this point is where real change starts to occur. Not changing for one’s spouse, kids, parents, church, even God, but for oneself is generally the sign showing that he sees there’s something wrong…and, he’s going to change it…not as a bargaining tool, a way to maintain the status quo, or any other reason. He sees that his behavior is wrong, he’s becoming sickened by it, and, even if no one forgives him-he needs this change, to be able to live with himself!

Your husband does have a tough time ahead…porn is a powerfully destructive activity, and satan doesn’t like losing people who have fallen into this trap-but, with God’s help, and lots of prayer-he will see results, soon. I’ll pray for you.

And, although I got criticized the other night for saying this, I hope the OP understands when I say:

God Bless!!!
 
Sounds like your husband is truly feeling remorse which is always a very good step, no matter what. Hopefully he’s gone to the very vital Sacrament of Reconciliation as well. A sincere and humble confession to a Priest would likely help him immensely and, in turn, your relationship. As a wife who has been in your situation, please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers through this. May our loving Blessed Mother also help intercede for you!
 
You are so out of line here I don’t even know where to start. But you are not helping the op. Or yourself.
 
I know that this is not what most people want to hear but sometimes for a greater good, we have to learn to let some things go.
 
Nope. Tha5s not how that works. And speaking of greater good. What is that exactly?
 
Wait, are you suggesting the wife should just let it go that the husband not only looks at porn, but has lied about it their whole marriage?? Why “for the greater good” shouldn’t he be the one letting it go?
 
I agree. He should be the one to let it go. But if this has been going on all through their marriage then it is very likely that he has had this problem long before the marriage began and he probably doesn’t know how to stop. And he lies about it because he is embarrassed about it and or because he knows his wife will get very upset and go after him about it.
The question I have is, outside of this situation, has he been a tolerably good husband to her and father to the children? I can see a confrontation leading to all kinds of unpleasantness and possibly a divorce.
Is it worth it? Overcoming this problem would probably require professional help and he would have to have the gumption to overcome what by now has become a very ingrained addiction. If there were to be a divorce I don’t think this type of addiction would be grounds for an annulment.
 
He has an addiction. You can’t take this addiction personally as your own failure.

Get help for yourself and offer it to him. Here’s a great reference: http://drmonicabreaux.com/index.html

Call and talk to her on the phone. She’s excellent! She will help your family.

You can’t tell an addict simply to stop. You will both have to struggle for the rest of the marriage through it. But your family is worth it, and you will both get through it together. Please don’t give up!
 
With a lie like that, which I have only been married for 18 months to my husband, is your marriage still sacramental?? What have any priests said??

My husband struggled “every now and then” as he told me while we were dating/engaged. Come to find out he is a full blown addict who lied to me about it because he “didn’t want to lose me”…
I don’t know personally if MY marriage is even sacramental because of this…
 
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