Husband Masturbation Problems - Final Reply

  • Thread starter Thread starter ChildofTherese
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
C

ChildofTherese

Guest
Hi everyone,

ChildofTherese here. I apologize that I wasn’t able to reply to your responses to the thread (Husband Masturbation Problems) I made. It was already closed when I got to it. But wanted to have a final reply to the case. I will try to cover comments made in the last thread but honestly…there was a lot so…probably won’t be able to answer to every response. I would also like to apologize to everyone as I feel that (upon reading your responses)…I have caused you to be judgmental about the situation. Sorry to have caused your stumbling. Will definitely go to confession for this.

First off, I would be glad to let you know that my husband and I talked about the issue at hand and have fully reconciled with each other. What I mean by “fully reconciled” is that we have been able to talk a lot about our feelings about the situation and have found a middle ground. When big fights happen, we sometimes “partially reconcile” which means that we “agree to disagree” for the night and come back to it. That was basically what happened during the recent incident. Also, I apologized to him about posting in the Catholic Answers forum and apologized about unintentionally have people judge him. He actually read all of your posts and we are now laughing at ourselves for causing such a riot (online). At least that’s how we felt when we read the posts together.

Secondly, I would also like to clarify that my husband is not a monster. He takes the trash out for me and lifts heavy things around the house. He loves doing the groceries with me and loves to make decisions on what to buy. He sometimes washes the dishes and stores them away. On his free time, he loves to help out friends. He works Monday to Friday and spends the weekends sometimes to attend family/friend gatherings with us. He also adores our daughter and plays with her a lot after work. But yes, he does have a tendency to emotional manipulation. And I say “manipulation” because the one of the many definitions of manipulation is to use threats to get what one wants. But perhaps what others are thinking of is “subtle manipulation” which is definitely NOT my husband. I have seen this sly attitude in my line of work and yes it does exist.

CONTINUE …
 
CONTINUATION
In addition, I would also like to clarify that as a new mom I am not kidding about “exhaustion”. I am not hiding behind my tiredness (don’t see how you can) but just really am…truly…tired and drained of energy. My day composes of waking up at 6 am and fixing my husband’s lunch for work and doing housework that has been left behind at night. I try to get a little rest by either 7 or 7:30 until baby wakes up at 8 or 9 am. Daughter is exclusively breastfeeding so anytime that she feeds I would stop everything I do and feed her. Breastfeeding is not easy. There’s latching issues, positioning issues (she likes a variety of positions to feed), feeding too late (baby too upset to feed) and causes baby to bite you or scratch while feeding, relaxing baby before she feeds, burping, etc. Then add to that changing diapers. And no this is also not easy since baby started rolling on her tummy. I have to either distract her with a toy, sing to her to keep her on her back or basically change her diaper in whatever position she is in. Imagine if this is a dirty-mix diaper…then I have things to rinse and soak probably. I also give the baby a bath and play with her most of the time. Have to also plan about which toys or play is developmentally appropriate for her based on what skills she is currently showing. On top of this, doing laundry in between or folding laundry, cleaning the surfaces (e.g. daughter’s playmat, changing table, kitchen floor, living room floor, patio etc…) or re-organizing things to make life easier. I drive myself to appointments if husband is not here. If I have no car, I walk and take the bus. For appointments, I need time to re-check if my diaper bag has everything she needs (I usually pack or re-stock at night) and then prepare her milk bag. All the while as well, planning, preparing and cooking lunch and dinner. Don’t have time to make my breakfast and as such…I just drink a yogurt drink in the morning. Often times, I default to canned soup when things get busy. Then of course every meal thereafter…I wash the dishes.
Furthermore,I have to schedule our appointments ( husband, baby and I) so that it doesn’t clash or there is no double booking of appointments. I also have a mountain of clothes to sew. At the end of the day, I like to do extra planning. For example, another month from now, baby is starting her solids so last week I made a list of kitchen equipment that I will need and planned to re-organize kitchen to make my life easier. Just yesterday, I have been able to re-organize my kitchen but some stuff are still missing. And yes, this is just one of the “extra planning” that I have. I try to put a short goal a day that I can usually finish.
Lastly, I would like to thank you for all your responses and most especially your prayers. I apologize again for causing such a stir in the forums. Again, I am not replacing our spiritual guidance from our priest nor replacing close friends’ advice…just really wanted to reach out further to other couples far from us and ask wisdom. Hope no animosity comes from this last post. Also, will probably not be able to reply after this. Thanks!
 
Continued prayers for you and family. Perhaps a date night away once in a while will help you and hubby connect at this very busy time.
 
Hey, I’m really glad to hear that you and your husband talked this through and were able to look at the CAF thread and laugh together. Making that connection is great, and I think you’ll be able to come back together.

It sounds like you have a very busy schedule, indeed. I wonder if there are any shortcuts you could take? Getting necessary sewing done by the local drycleaner, using disposable plates, keeping dinners to very simple things to prepare? Buying baby food instead of making it–or just chopping up soft table food without a lot of salt or sugar? Maybe do some disposables along with your cloth diapers?

It’ll get a little easier when your baby is mobile and can play on her own, but do try to put her down with some toys as long as you can and don’t worry too much about how developmentally appropriate they are as long as they aren’t dangerous. Babies do amazing things with cat food cans and wooden spoons. I was like you with my first–checked various web sites for skills that should be emerging, carefully tailored a play program based on them and on what my daughter was doing, monitored her skills, etc. I just didn’t have time for that with my second baby, and guess what…he developed just fine.

I hope that breastfeeding will get easier. If it doesn’t, consider supplementing; your baby will do great and has clearly already had lots of milk from you! Honestly, you’ll do best at caring for your family if you find ways to cut your stress level, and you know, conjugal relations are (among other things) a great stress-reliever even if you’re not initially raring to go.

Finally, date nights: Identify people you can ask to watch your baby for you so that you and your husband can be together by yourselves. You sound like an extremely organized, capable person, so I think you can make this happen if you realign some of your tasks and priorities.

I wish you the best. Babies are very exhausting and time-consuming.
 
Is sewing something you do as a hobby or is it a business?
 
Happy to hear that you are both more or less reconciliated, and able to speak of your needs.

just two notes. Make your life easier, there is no need to extra cleaning…
What is the utility of milk bags when you go out if you breatfeed your baby? It just add more logistic and heavy bags to carry. Baby stuff is enough heavy to wear, if you walked or take the bus.

For the diversification, you don’t need a lot of extra stuff. The most of that is just marketing.
First, you don’t know in advance what your child will accept to eat and in what consitence. So you may buy a lot of thing that will be unusefull. The same note apply if you want to make mixed baby food and frozen in advance. You don’t know if he will eat it!
The easier is to make him eat what you eat as a family in an appropriate manner. In pieces, or if your baby and you prefer in a mixed version. But in the beginning quantities are very small. A normal blender is enough, or if you prefer a baby blender for small quantities (and a second hand one is enough).
 
Don’t be afriad to consider a switch to formula. Generations of perfectly healthy kids have been fed formula and they turned out completely healthy. Breastfeeding can create a situation of diminishing returns if mom is stressed and exhausted from all of it. Best of luck.
 
Wow, I agreed with you on a post! Someone check for airborne pigs…

Seriously, though, I worry that the OP thinks that all of the things she describes–cloth diapers, preparing babyfood from scratch, breastfeeding, constant attention to each emerging skill, etc are NECESSARY to the care of her child. I think that, like many young women, she’s been sold a bill of goods on what it takes for kids to turn out to be secure, adjusted, well cared-for human beings. This just isn’t true, but it’s going to be very hard for her to go against her desire to be an “optimal” mother.

Unfortunately, things like PPD and relationship problems are exacerbated by the extensive demands of this kind of intensive mothering, and truthfully, mood disorders and relationship problems are MUCH more damaging to the wellbeing of an infant than whether it’s given breastmilk or formula, organic hand-pureed kale or whatever’s on sale at the infant aisle of the grocery store, etc.

The OP has already said that she won’t be able to respond to this thread, but I hope very much that someone in real life can counsel her about letting some things go in the name of restoring time with her husband. I’m not just talking about sex here, either–intimacy with one’s spouse encompasses more than sex, though it is a key element of it.
 
Amen!! I see this often, working so hard to obey every dictate of the “perfect internet mom” one can miss the beauty of this stage of life.

When the kids are grown, you don’t look back fondly on the rigorous attention to perfect detail, you look back on the time spent simply with baby.

I remember when my son was only a couple of days old, watching “Twin Peaks” and then staying up with him for what felt like hours explaining the details of the story line to his little old man face.

I don’t remember when the perfect age appropriate toy was there at each proper moment, I remember when he grabbed a guitar and was so fascinated with it that he plucked the strings for what felt like hours. I remember when I spied him in his room stacking up random toys into a tower and each time it would topple he would put his hands on his head and whisper “shoot” (but he used the other word) and then would patiently stack the toys again.

This is not a competition with stringent rules. Feed the baby some buttercream frosting and blow spit bubbles at each other.
 
Awsome!
Thanks for the follow up! Its refreshing to hear good news after these troubled marriage moments.

A new born not latching is one of the most difficult things of a whole pregnancy/birth!! All you want to do is feed this baby in this intimate way, and it must feel like rejection! Dont take it personally though! Lol

That’s great you shared the thread with him!
 
Again, some views the couple’s difficulties as the fault of breatfeeding, and the solution should be formula…

Very easy and simplistic.

Where the OP has mentionned her desire to “wean”?
In this circonstances, this commom advise is not supportive at all.
And no, breatfeeding and formula, are not the same thing and interchangeable.

And just for your information : at the age of the child of the OP, some children will refuse to take formula for the first time.

Mine, will be, as a breatfeeding mom myslef :
@Childoftherese, If you truly thing there is a problem in your breasteeding, I strongly advise you to seek support and advise from a breatfeeding association or an IIBLC consultant.
Breatfeeding take time, but you you can be proud that you do it, and never feel ashamed of your choice.

A lot of things can be challenging for a couple when a baby come in the family, but it is very normal that the baby’s needs come first over a “desire” of an adult man (or a woman). You both marry a person that is fertile, grow old, not just an ideal person that will stay young forever, always sexually/romantically available etc.

People and husband often think that a housewive with a baby have the time and the duty to do all the chores in house. sadly it isn’t true, because supervised a babyis a full time job… I was lucky myself to have family help. Perhaps you can hire an assistant sometimes? Or if your husband think that come chores are really important, he must do them himself if you cannot. I know it is hard because he certainely work a lot outside the house, but some problems have not easy resolutions…

It is hard, but we have no choice other than accept that. We are adults and can go through all.

I agree with others posters, that humans relations are more important than managing material things. So there is no shame to let some tasks undone, or done unperfectly in order to grow and maintain a relationship with your husband alive. i know that it is very difficult, because of the loss of time, interest…

In any circonstances, sleeping enough, and eat heathy should be the top priority!

To carry the baby in your back can permits you to do something other in the house if the baby want to be carry. I have myself something that permits me to carry only in the front. It was helpfull, but we quickly become limited in actions.

For myself, I am a bad exemple of maintain a good relationship with husbnad when the baby was born… So, yes, breatfeeding and washing cloth diapers, and even feed the baby with healthy things are a priority. But on others, the others clothes are not washed regularly, the housework is not done frequently, the house is messy and unordered, the meals are not prepared in time, the baby is not washed athe maximum two or one time a week…
On one other priority is to go out as a family, even in the evening, at at least one time a week, to maintain our social/church life. It is highly possible : a small breatfeed baby goes evrywhere!
The same can be for dating just as a family!
 
Last edited:
Anicette: You are not helping. The OP need not be ashamed to breastfeed, or to formula-feed, or to do whatever works best for her and her family. Formula does a great job at nourishing babies. I can’t go to my daughter’s kindergarten class and point out who was breastfed and who was formula-fed; most of the longterm benefits are actually benefits from being the kind of person who has the opportunity to breastfeed.

That said, the merits of breast-vs.-formula provide merely a distraction from the main issue: The OP is taking on a lot in the belief that she must do it to be a good mother. This is false, and it’s hurting her marriage.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top