Husband Not Taking Care of Himself

[whitetulips]

Long story short, my husband has been sick a lot lately and he’s only in his late twenties. Colds, flu, lots of migraines, and just in a general funk as well with being stressed from work and not having close friends near where we live (we live by my family). He watches around five hours of tv per day I’d say. He doesn’t exercise, he orders food from fast food places or restaurants most days a week, sometimes more than once a day. He’s been prescribed migraine medication but hardly ever takes it-I’ve brought this up and he’s told me he forgets. He says he’s not depressed but just stressed from work and having a hard time without having friends here. He does have a steady, well-paying job so that’s good. He doesn’t like it very much, however. This behavior of not taking care of himself isn’t just when he’s sick-my point is I think it’s a significant part of him feeling unwell so often. Also, when we were dating and engaged he did exercise, so it’s not like this is just how he is.

Even though he says he’s not depressed I’ve asked him several times if he wants to go to counseling and he says no. He hardly takes his migraine meds and probably gets around five migraines per month, give or take. He’s said he’s gained a lot of weight since we got married less than a year ago. We’re newlyweds and have had sex once in the last five months (our first couple months of marriage we had sex regularly). Therefore, starting a family isn’t even a possibility right now since we’re not even having sex at all. And of course we’re missing out on the intimacy for our marriage as well. I’m planning on having a serious conversation with him about taking care of himself for his own well being, our marriage, and our future family. Again, I’ve suggested counseling several times and him taking his meds. I try to be an example with working out myself and relatively healthy eating, though I’m far from perfect.

My question is, at some point if he doesn’t change his behavior I’m thinking I will just be enabling it if I just watch it happen. I’m thinking at some point I may need to go stay at my parents’ or a friend’s for a bit to get the message across that I’m serious and I’m not going to just watch him coast through life and not take care of himself.
Thoughts about this? Advice/other possible solutions?

Thank you, I appreciate it!
Side note: I am in counseling for our marriage as well and talk to family/friends about it, so I have reached out to others as well.

 

[JanR]

Refusing to take care of oneself when others are depending on that person is selfish and inconsiderate. If it were just him, alone, I would say he would just have to sleep in the bed he’s making for himself. But he has a wife and needs to continue to be able to support her, and eventually his bad health habits are going to catch up with him. He will begin missing work more often due to illnesses, and this could jeopardize his employment. Plus, one doesn’t perform as well when one is ill.

His behavior is not only impacting his own quality of life, but yours, as well, and jeopardizing your future together. But, until he decides stop being so selfish and help himself, there may be little you can do.

I suspect there is some macho egoism at play here. He might consider himself “weak” by taking his meds and getting medical treatment. That’s not weakness, that’s being wise. Perhaps if you can convince him of that, he might change his attitude. Being chronically ill because he is stubborn has to impact his self-respect at some point, and when he finally realizes it, he’ll do something about it.

I wish you the best. Please continue praying about this.

 

[Pattylt]

I’m sorry you are struggling so early in your marriage. It really does sound like depression is in play here and Counselling would be in order. Does he go to Mass? Have you talked to a Priest about this? Would he listen and “obey” a Priest telling him to get counseling? I realize you’ve tried and he’s refusing…somehow this needs to change. I think he in denial about something! Keep talking with him without being pushy is all I can think of right now until a Priest can get involved.

 

[whitetulips]

I’m sorry you are struggling so early in your marriage. It really does sound like depression is in play here and Counselling would be in order. Does he go to Mass? Have you talked to a Priest about this? Would he listen and “obey” a Priest telling him to get counseling? I realize you’ve tried and he’s refusing…somehow this needs to change. I think he in denial about something! Keep talking with him without being pushy is all I can think of right now until a Priest can get involved.

He does go to Mass, yes. He’s not particularly close to a priest here though so I’m not sure how we would go about that (but I’m open to ideas!) I have talked to a couple of priests about not so much his health but our relationship. I would like to reach out to my spiritual director soon about this in particular though if this keeps going.

 

[Pattylt]

I would like to reach out to my spiritual director soon about this in particular though if this keeps going.

Do so sooner rather than later. Follow his/her advice and be honest with all your husband has been doing and saying. Your husband seems to be trying to ignore this away…that doesn’t usually work and you sure don’t want things to get worse!