husband refuses to work

[lily20]

Dear Catholic Forums,

my husband refuses to work, and more recently has been harassing me about my work (I
Have worked as a teacher). He says “sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do,” meaning that I am obligated to work while he sits around. If I question him he gets angry and tells me how low I am to not make more. I work two very modest jobs right now, and we have an eight month old. I plan not to work much as I want to be a stay at home mother.
I have over the past year been altering my career schedule to be stay at home and work
out of the home.
We are planning to relocate to a new city and my husband is ademate about me taking worm
I do not want to while he sits around, and in response to work, uses the word “you making this,” meaning he is not involved
what do I do? Divorce is not possible as we have a baby and his parents are wealthy, meaning I have to hire a lawyer and custody battle. I did this all summer last year and was homeless twice. Please do NOT mention divorce, as I cannot bear another homeless situation. No my parents are not supportive as they are both remarried and their spouses do not want to take on a “project.”

Thanks in advance. Please, pray that he will work.

-lily

 

[loozcannon]

Lily,

I don’t know both sides of the story. I’m a firm believer in the old addage of there are three sides to every story.

Strictly speculating though, you mentioned his parents are wealthy. Maybe he has a since of entitlement? Perhaps he thinks things should be handed to him? Maybe he doesn’t understand or appreciate the value of a dollar?

I do understand your predicament. In the past, I used to think that whatever chores I did at home had to enable my wife to be able to sit on her butt. I actually thought that as it seemed I was the only one doing anything. That was years ago, and thankfully she’s come around.

There seems to be a rash of these types of posts lately, yet my advice remains the same in all of my responses: get help. From the Church, from a therapist, from a pro. Your situation needs improvment, but no amount of advice on a forum will cause anything to happen.

We’ll all be praying for you.

God bless.

 

[bonvivantHermit]

I am of the belief there’s the Truth and one usually posesses it.
Meaning, it’s NOT ALWAYS two fighting, disrupting, causing problems- that is often a cop out used to make the one complaining, filing a grievance work harder so the “authorities” (those on the outside) need do nothing.

Have you googled “symptoms of narcissist?” Would he want child, really? Something to think about.

 

[Rence]

my husband refuses to work, and more recently has been harassing me about my work (I
Have worked as a teacher). He says “sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do,”

Exactly. He should put his big boy pants on and get a job.

meaning that I am obligated to work while he sits around. If I question him he gets angry and tells me how low I am to not make more.

And he’s not low for not making any? how does that work?

I work two very modest jobs right now, and we have an eight month old. I plan not to work much as I want to be a stay at home mother.
I have over the past year been altering my career schedule to be stay at home and work
out of the home.

That may be something you won’t have. If your deadbeat husband doesn’t want to contribute at all, he’s not going to contribute it all. You’ll have to figure out how to work and be a mom at the same time.

We are planning to relocate to a new city and my husband is ademate about me taking worm

I lost you. What did you mean to say? And why are you planning such a move with a man who is dragging you down? What are the benefits of moving to a new city?

I do not want to while he sits around, and in response to work, uses the word “you making this,” meaning he is not involved what do I do? Divorce is not possible as we have a baby and his parents are wealthy, meaning I have to hire a lawyer and custody battle. I did this all summer last year and was homeless twice. Please do NOT mention divorce, as I cannot bear another homeless situation. No my parents are not supportive as they are both remarried and their spouses do not want to take on a “project.”

Have you talked to a lawyer yet? If you’re afraid of divorce, why not look into legal separation where you live. It’s better than nothing.

As for wondering if he would really want the child…no, he may not want the child, but if he’s as selfish and childish as you describe, he could create an ugly and painful custody battle just to get back at you. And his parents have the money to do it. You really need to talk to a lawyer and a crisis intervention resource.

I definitely would be opening up separate accounts and saving up some money. Don’t give him a dime. I’d be shutting down all the unnecessary things like cable/satellite, and cut off his phone. If you share a phone with him, close the account and open up a new one with only you on it. If anything at all, he needs some tough love like the child he is. If he wants extras, he’ll need to get a job and pay for it or ask mommy and daddy for it. Eventually they’ll get tired of it.

I’m telling you, if I had to live with a mooch who doesn’t contribute at all, I’d make it very uncomfortable for him. I wouldn’t keep any food in the house except baby food, and find some other way to eat. Like keep a small fridge at a friend’s house or something and eat at work and just before coming home.

 

[loozcannon]

I’m telling you, if I had to live with a mooch who doesn’t contribute at all, I’d make it very uncomfortable for him. I wouldn’t keep any food in the house except baby food, and find some other way to eat. Like keep a small fridge at a friend’s house or something and eat at work and just before coming home.

Ouch! uch:

Note to self, do not get on Rence’s bad side… :frighten: :slapfight:

 

[SamH]

Divorce is not possible as we have a baby and his parents are wealthy, meaning I have to hire a lawyer and custody battle. I did this all summer last year and was homeless twice. Please do NOT mention divorce, as I cannot bear another homeless situation. No my parents are not supportive as they are both remarried and their spouses do not want to take on a “project.”

Thanks in advance. Please, pray that he will work.

-lily

Kick him out and let his parents pay for the house.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

Rence has very good advice. I would only add: stay calm and non-combative as much as possible. With God’s help you can do that.

As far as withholding his support, its a very good idea. You are like a “single mom” - its only you supporting that baby, so you need to be judicious with your resources. So you can be nice but firm about any changes of financial habits…

Its true, if you divorce, he could get halftime custody, or worse, even more. What a sad thing for a Mom to be torn from her baby, and half the time not have ANY access to her child. Sad for Mom, worse for baby.

Your marriage now is like a jail, but its one where you get to have your child with you. In jail with your child, or out of jail without? I am sure you know what you want! Something is very very wrong with your husband, but it would be best for your baby (and you) to find some kind of way to live a life of coping with the situation best you can under the circumstances.

It really sounds to me like your husband may be hopeless as far as changing to become a decent human being. I hope I am wrong. The good news is Jesus is husband to the husbandless. You can trust in Him, and He won’t let you down.

For some ways to respond to verbal abuse, a good book on Verbal Abuse is by Patricia Evans. Here it is for a cheap as 75 cents: product.half.ebay.com/_W0QQprZ1140401 That will give you ways to respond to things he says that stymie you…

Pray for change, but be willing to accept your husband may think he is just fine the way he is and has no desire to change. Even God does not violate the will. So trust in God as your true support, and also practice acceptance for things you realize you cannot change. And practice gratitude for everything you do have, particularly, precious time with your own child. And remind yourself, if you need to, how much worse others have it. Pray for them, and offer up your sufferings for them. Although it may not seem it, many, many Moms live in a sort of prison in order to live with their children. It may not seem so on the outside, but their true circumstances are unseen.

 

[1ke]

So was this an issue before you married? Did something transpire where he lost his job? Did you two discuss parenting and marital roles before marriage-- such as stay-at-home mom?

I find it difficult to believe this just came out of the blue.

 

[CopyKat]

I’m not sure what sort of lifestyle you have right now, but it sounds like it’s suiting him pretty good. A change needs to occur to make him uncomfortable enough to change. My advice: drop one of your jobs. Lose the cable, have his phone turned off, absolutely don’t buy any luxury foods/cigarettes/beer, limit the ability to drive due to lack of gas in the car, etc. These are just examples, but you know what your own list would look like. Don’t do it spitefully or in a controlling manner, just get rid of things as a simple matter of necessity. Better yet, don’t lose the second job and start putting it away in a bank account. You very likely might need it. I really feel for you and I will pray for your family!

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Dear Catholic Forums,

my husband refuses to work, and more recently has been harassing me about my work (I
Have worked as a teacher). He says “sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do,” meaning that I am obligated to work while he sits around. If I question him he gets angry and tells me how low I am to not make more. I work two very modest jobs right now, and we have an eight month old. I plan not to work much as I want to be a stay at home mother.
I have over the past year been altering my career schedule to be stay at home and work
out of the home.
We are planning to relocate to a new city and my husband is ademate about me taking worm
I do not want to while he sits around, and in response to work, uses the word “you making this,” meaning he is not involved
what do I do? Divorce is not possible as we have a baby and his parents are wealthy, meaning I have to hire a lawyer and custody battle. I did this all summer last year and was homeless twice. Please do NOT mention divorce, as I cannot bear another homeless situation. No my parents are not supportive as they are both remarried and their spouses do not want to take on a “project.”

Thanks in advance. Please, pray that he will work.

-lily

Lily, Right about a year ago you posted about profound troubles in your new marriage. On that thread a number of people suggested you receive counseling. Have you done so?

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=548546

Luna

 

[Debora123]

Dear Catholic Forums,

my husband refuses to work, and more recently has been harassing me about my work (I
Have worked as a teacher). He says “sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do,” meaning that I am obligated to work while he sits around. If I question him he gets angry and tells me how low I am to not make more. I work two very modest jobs right now, and we have an eight month old. I plan not to work much as I want to be a stay at home mother.
I have over the past year been altering my career schedule to be stay at home and work
out of the home.
We are planning to relocate to a new city and my husband is ademate about me taking worm
I do not want to while he sits around, and in response to work, uses the word “you making this,” meaning he is not involved
what do I do? Divorce is not possible as we have a baby and his parents are wealthy, meaning I have to hire a lawyer and custody battle. I did this all summer last year and was homeless twice. Please do NOT mention divorce, as I cannot bear another homeless situation. No my parents are not supportive as they are both remarried and their spouses do not want to take on a “project.”

Thanks in advance. Please, pray that he will work.

-lily

Well if he wants YOU to work, how about you suggest him be the full time stay at home dad? Complete with taking care of the baby, cleaning the home, doing the laundry, grocery shopping, and having dinner ready for you every night.

 

[Marie5890]

To quote one of your own posts to another from a different thread…

“Why are you agreeing to work so hard while he sits round?”

You need to answer and explore your own behavior in this, I think.

 

[Rence]

Ouch! uch:

Note to self, do not get on Rence’s bad side… :frighten: :slapfight:

And do not work her like an animal when she’s juggling being a mom and working, as the OP is

 

[lily20]

Kick him out and let his parents pay for the house.

He won’t leave I would have to leave.

I wonder if I am just a big complainer and slanderer. But at the same time
I have to say the truth, right? Otherwise I am in denial and, in a way, enabling him.

He lives off student loans but he is NOT committed to school work. His wealthy parents
Make light of his loans so he feels free. He will have a large inheritance from them… Well,
That’s yet to be seen, right?

Yeah I have thought it’s me who doesn’t get it
also, he DOES watch the baby and he drives me to work
Sometimes. We DO work well as a team in these situations. I just
Am whining/complaining… Beegging why does he have no work ethic?

My goal is NOt to bash my husband anymore but provide a way for me to
Help him without enabling the behavior or causing anger. His anger is from
Guilt/shame probably of not working.

 

[lily20]

To quote one of your own posts to another from a different thread…

“Why are you agreeing to work so hard while he sits round?”

You need to answer and explore your own behavior in this, I think.

Lol… easy to dish out advice… Harder to see yourself???

 

[Pink_Lemonade]

I think there must be a lot more to this situation than you are describing. In your first post, you say that your husband refuses to work, and in the next you say he actually is in school, and takes care of your baby? If he is in a full time program, that can be demanding, and taking care of a baby too?

I don’t really think anyone on this forum can give you any good advice until we know more details- is this an arrangement you had agreed upon? Is he doing poorly in school? How much longer does he have in school? In addition to schoolwork and childcare, does he do the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, etc.? Did the two of you discuss you being a stay at home mom before you were married?

I think your approach to your situation depends on a lot of these questions, which we don’t have any info about.

 

[Havard]

I’m a firm believer in the old addage of there are three sides to every story.

With all intended charity, I agree.

We’ll all be praying for you.

Indeed. About to do so right now.

So was this an issue before you married? Did something transpire where he lost his job? Did you two discuss parenting and marital roles before marriage-- such as stay-at-home mom?

I find it difficult to believe this just came out of the blue.

That thought popped up in my mind as well. Opinions on roles and responsibilities are something that couples should have discussed at great length before marriage, so I’m also curious about the background to the story.

 

[lily20]

With all intended charity, I agree.

Indeed. About to do so right now.

That thought popped up in my mind as well. Opinions on roles and responsibilities are something that couples should have discussed at great length before marriage, so I’m also curious about the background to the story.

No, we did not discuss anything because his parents set us up and said it was “meant to be.” So I married him under the impression that we were “sent to be together” and it was a spiritual thing. This is a new age thing. So NO there was no discussion at all I was foolish, and also I will just get myself into the same situation again because I am programmed to like these kinds of people who invade my boundaries.

Anyway, since he’s not rooted in Christ everything can change on a dime anyway, so even if we did discuss anything, it’s all entirely up in the air.

I must rely on Christ alone. That’s what we all need to do but my situation is more of a daily example I suppose. I am not free from sin, but I am looking how do I deal. I am not the brightest woman when it comes to relationships. This is what I am learning. also, I am not very strong, when someone says something, anything, I will start to believe it, even if it is very foolish. If the thing is said with any certainty, I am very gullible. I don’t know why I am like this, as I have always been very smart in school 4.0 etc. etc.

I can analyze it all I want to but at the end of the day I want my faith in Christ and not my husband’s strange way of living. He has been berating me on the Catholic faith lately. He said, “If you put God before our marriage then you don’t trust me!” He also bullied me for not attending a Mason meeting (I refused). He is starting to back down, with much prayers on my part. I don’t think I can bear it some hours. They do pass.

Why can’t I divorce him-- because I don’t have the funds and he has lawyer power. Also laws have changed and I will not get full custody. I will lose seeing my son 50%. I cannot bear this.

Anyway, for whatever it’s worth, please let me know how do I keep a strong faith in Christ despite so many daily put-downs about my religion? Any suggestions? I say the rosary when I wake up and/or go to mass. I try to talk to Jesus but I admit it’s hard to some days when my husband demands so much that I focus on his needs. I am learning that love is not saying yes to a bully. Love can be walking away and loving Our Lord. That is still "loving your “enemies” (I say enemy because that’s unfortunately my husband right now).

Please, if anyone knows how to “love” someone who is showing you disdain, I could improve on my own behavior. He is responsible for his.

Thanks,
Lily