Husband unhappy with second pregnancy?

[disotb]

I am a recent convert to Catholicism and when I converted I had an IUD already in from after my first pregnancy (less than a year). Me and my husband both went through Catholic marriage preparation and said that we were open to having children. After joining the Catholic church I didn’t want the IUD in anymore and after talking with my husband about it I made an appointment and had it removed (with him less than thrilled). I got pregnant that week. When I told him, instead of being happy he gave me the silent treatment and it made me feel very alone. I talked to him and he told me that he is nervous about how we are going to afford another baby. We are on public assistance and poor but I feel that even if we are poor we should do what is right and that things will work out if we just trust in God. He already said that he wants me to go on the pill after this pregnancy but I don’t feel comfortable using contraception anymore. What should I do? I just want to do what is right and follow God’s will, but I can’t have children if I’m going to be all on my own having them or have to destroy my marriage and my children lose their father. I’m so confused and feel like crying…what should I do?

 

[flyingfish]

I am a recent convert to Catholicism and when I converted I had an IUD already in from after my first pregnancy (less than a year). Me and my husband both went through Catholic marriage preparation and said that we were open to having children. After joining the Catholic church I didn’t want the IUD in anymore and after talking with my husband about it I made an appointment and had it removed (with him less than thrilled). I got pregnant that week. When I told him, instead of being happy he gave me the silent treatment and it made me feel very alone. I talked to him and he told me that he is nervous about how we are going to afford another baby. We are on public assistance and poor but I feel that even if we are poor we should do what is right and that things will work out if we just trust in God. He already said that he wants me to go on the pill after this pregnancy but I don’t feel comfortable using contraception anymore. What should I do? I just want to do what is right and follow God’s will, but I can’t have children if I’m going to be all on my own having them or have to destroy my marriage and my children lose their father. I’m so confused and feel like crying…what should I do?

While it’s a sin for you as a Catholic to use birth control, it’s not a sin for you to have sex with a spouse who uses contraception.

If your husband is not Catholic and feels that contraception must be used, why isn’t he the one to use it? It seems very unfair of him, knowing about your faith, to pressure you into using contraception, when he, who doesn’t believe, can well use it himself.

 

[disotb]

He is Catholic. He was raised Catholic.

 

[flyingfish]

He is Catholic. He was raised Catholic.

I am confused then, he thinks contraception is a sin and insists that you be the one to use it? That’s not very nice of him. If he is so adamant about contraception and knows your beliefs, why isn’t he making the choice to use it himself?

Have you looked into NFP? Would he be willing to try that?

 

[KostyaJMJ]

He is Catholic. He was raised Catholic.

It sounds like he wanted to use ABC he just didn’t want to burn in hell for all eternity.(who can blame him?) He was using you as a way around the prohibition on ABC and now that you’ve converted he is up a creak without a paddle. Tell him if he wants to use contraception he is going to have to take responsibility for his own sin and accept his own damnation because you aren’t taking the fall for him.

Is he worried that you will have 1 more or is he worried that you will have 12 more? That is the thought that gets me every time my wife gets pregnant; it is just the fear of having no control.

 

[rep140]

That is the thought that gets me every time my wife gets pregnant; it is just the fear of having no control.

Good to read a husband posting on this topic. As a male of traditional bent there are 2 things that make me nervous about NFP. The first is that all the responsibility for accurate practice is with the wife. If an unplanned pregnancy occurs at a bad time it is difficult to avoid the blame/guilt syndrome. The second area of concern is finances. At the end of the day most husbands feel that they are the ones responsible for supporting the family.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Good to read a husband posting on this topic. As a male of traditional bent there are 2 things that make me nervous about NFP. The first is that all the responsibility for accurate practice is with the wife. If an unplanned pregnancy occurs at a bad time it is difficult to avoid the blame/guilt syndrome. The second area of concern is finances. At the end of the day most husbands feel that they are the ones responsible for supporting the family.

Unfortunately I was always the one responsible for charting, interpreting signs, and doing a lot of the examinations. NFP never worked for us but we ended up going to a NFP doctor and getting everything figured out in the end. The whole experience caused a lot of stress for both of us and was really all we ever fought over. It was a huge relief when the whole thing was over with.

I always felt very guilty every time my wife got pregnant just because we couldn’t figure out NFP. I know if she had married a good protestant he wouldn’t have demanded as many pregnancies and so I felt guilty for asking so much from her. I don’t know what is going on with the OP’s husband but I imagine it is a mixture of guilt over ABC and fear of the unknown.

 

[1ke]

Your husband knows that sex produces babies. He chose to have sex with you after the IUD was out. He chose to make babies with you. He is now acting like a baby.

Now, I suggest that you contact a local natural family planning instructor and prepare to take classes once your child is born. Of course post-partum fertility return is going to be tricky, so you and your husband may have an extended period of abstinence while you regain your fertility and then get confidence charting using one of the major models of NFP. If you have a serious reason to avoid a pregnancy for a while/indefinitely then there is nothing wrong with using NFP as information on when to have intercourse and when to abstain. Major models of NFP are:

Sympto-Thermal as taught by Couple to Couple League or Northwest Family Services
Creighton Model NFP
Billings Ovulation Model
Marquette Model NFP

Some of these offer distance learning if you don’t have a teacher nearby.

If your husband doesn’t want to abstain for a few months while your fertility signs return and you learn how to chart them, then he has a selfish attitude and you have a problem other than contraception in your marriage. If he doesn’t want to abstain, then he must be prepared to have more children. Simple as that. If he is not prepared to have more children right now, then he should be prepared to abstain while you learn a moral method of spacing them.

 

[ac_claire]

I am a recent convert to Catholicism and when I converted I had an IUD already in from after my first pregnancy (less than a year). Me and my husband both went through Catholic marriage preparation and said that we were open to having children. After joining the Catholic church I didn’t want the IUD in anymore and after talking with my husband about it I made an appointment and had it removed (with him less than thrilled). I got pregnant that week. When I told him, instead of being happy he gave me the silent treatment and it made me feel very alone. I talked to him and he told me that he is nervous about how we are going to afford another baby. We are on public assistance and poor but I feel that even if we are poor we should do what is right and that things will work out if we just trust in God. He already said that he wants me to go on the pill after this pregnancy but I don’t feel comfortable using contraception anymore. What should I do? I just want to do what is right and follow God’s will, but I can’t have children if I’m going to be all on my own having them or have to destroy my marriage and my children lose their father. I’m so confused and feel like crying…what should I do?

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. :hug1: I think you’re exactly right here: "We are on public assistance and poor but I feel that even if we are poor we should do what is right and that things will work out if we just trust in God." That is simply the TRUTH, so hold onto that. Don’t waver in believing it.

As far as taking the pill, you know that you can’t do that. You’re supposed to honor and obey your husband in all things but sin. Artificial contraception would be a sin; it is intrinsically evil, doesn’t matter the situation.

If I were in your shoes, I think I would have to stress that particular piont with my husband. Take it out of the realm of a “what I want vs. what you want” argument and focus on the plain reality of what God expects of us. You might want to go talk with your priest about it too, the three of you together. It might be easier coming from a priest.

Finally, I would tell my husband that after this baby is born we can try to use NFP for as long as necessary. (If you need some help with NFP, open a thread and ask around on CAF; you’ll be directed to the right program and resources.)

 

[choose_to_love]

rep140, I disagree with your comment that all the responsibility for accurate practice of NFP lies with the wife. Every couple’s practice is different, and there is no reason for it to be totally the wife’s responsibility. As Kostya notes, the husband can be responsible for many of the recordkeeping functions (and in his case, apparently much more).

In our practice of NFP, it was a team effort. One of the huge benefits of NFP, in my opinion, is that it leads to greater communication between the spouses, both in the big monthly, what-are-we-being-called-to-this-month type conversations, but in the day-to-day of charting as well.

 

[PaulinVA]

We have practiced the Sympto-Thermal Method for close to 20 years.

My wife charts, and I interpret. So, it’s ME who says yes or no. That way, my wife doesn’t fudge the observations or temperatures to conform to a specific rule on a specific day, either intentionally or subconsciously. I can’t change what’s written on the chart because I didn’t observe it.

I’m a Quality Assurance person, so it’s easy to just deal with the facts - the chart says this or the chart says that.

That said, we have conceived successfully and we have avoided successfully. It’s all about mutual respect and discipline. Oh, yeah, and you have to buy in to the idea that you don’t die if you don’t have sex for a couple of weeks in a row.

(Just an anecdote to mix up your perceptions: the early years of marriage, we used ABC, including the pill, and got pregnant on the pill and lost the baby. So for us, it was the pill that failed us, not NFP.)