Husband Won't Work

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practicalmom

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My husband of eight years quit his job nine months ago, after learning he did not make partner at his law firm. Each month he says he will go back to work, next month, but then next month never comes. I have, until recently, refrained from nagging or suggesting that he needs to go back to work. But we are now out of money and living off our 401K savings and credit cards.

I sincerely want what is best for him, myself and our two young children. I am aware that nagging or criticizing him will only further deflate him, yet, I also suspect that I am (like all his other unemployed/retired friends) enabling him in some way. I have suggested that he talk to his doctor about altering his meds for depression, but my husband insists he has never been happier. And, in a way, he is right. He is only happy when he is not working and hanging around with his retired/unemployed friends at the coffee shop.

I am a stay-at-home mom who has some earning potential. I cannot make as much as my husband, but I can support our family if I go back to work. And yet, my husband and I both agree that he should be the breadwinner.

I have recently been studying Paul’s letters to Thesolonians and am haunted by his instruction in regard to the idle:

2 Thessalonians 3:6-15
In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, we command you, brothers, to keep away from every
brother who is idle and does not live according to the teaching you received from us. 7For you
yourselves know how you ought to follow our example. We were not idle when we were with
you, 8nor did we eat anyone’s food without paying for it. On the contrary, we worked night and
day, laboring and toiling so that we would not be a burden to any of you. 9We did this, not
because we do not have the right to such help, but in order to make ourselves a model for you to
follow. 10For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “If a man will not work, he
shall not eat.”
11We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy; they are busybodies. 12Such people
we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the bread they eat. 13And
as for you, brothers, never tire of doing what is right.
14 Do not associate with him, in order that he may feel ashamed. 15Yet do not regard him as an enemy, but warn him
as a brother.

I would appreciate any suggestions as to a wife’s role in this situation. I cannot ignore him and do not want to be rude to his lazy friends, but I am coming to the end of my rope.

Thanks and God Bless.
 
I wonder what he is expecting to happen when all his retirement money runs out? I would not worry too much about being rude at this point. Your husband has a duty to provide for his family and he (for some reason) has chosen not to do that. I think you should confront him head on about this. Remind him that it is not all about him but it’s about the children. I would rather not work too to be perfectly honest with you, but most of us do not see it as an optional thing.

I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. Do not let him close off communication and for heavens sake keep praying!
 
Has he seen someone in mental health? He may be suffering from a severe depression. We had an attorney who had a problem with clinical depression and had to take several leaves of absence to deal with it. I pray things will work out for you. To become an attorney is not easy so your husband must have a basic work ethic or he wouldn’t have gotten this far. I think he needs help.

Lisa N
 
no, you do not agree that he should be the breadwinner, by failing to take action to take a job, any job, he has denied that position. He is probably suffering from depression and needs medical treatment. Personally I have experienced nothing as devastating as being laid off, except for death of a loved one.

go out and get a job, if you are consumed by financial worry it won’t help anyone’s situation. tell DH he is now the house-husband, come on home and do the job, which is entirely as essential, rewarding and worthwhile as paid employment in the marketplace.
 
If I were you I’d go out and get a job, let hubby stay home with the kids. Chances are he’ll get bored with the soap operas, fed up with doing the laundry, cooking, etc. and he’ll be out looking for a job in no time!
 
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OneLife2live:
If I were you I’d go out and get a job, let hubby stay home with the kids. Chances are he’ll get bored with the soap operas, fed up with doing the laundry, cooking, etc. and he’ll be out looking for a job in no time!
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I’m guessing you don’t intend to come off as condescending as you sound to stay-at-home Moms. Soap operas all day? Boring menial chores? Whatever your gender, I find your reinforcement of the classic stereotype disheartening…
 
It sounds like you have no choice other than to go out and get a job yourself. You can only encourage him so much then you have to take action. Shop the ads both for jobs that fit you and for those that fit him. And ask around for job referrals both for yourself and for him.

Most jobs are filled from referrals, friends, relatives or former co-workers.

Sit down and talk to him. You have to keep the lines of communication open. Let him know you are worried both about his mental health (or at least your own mental health) and your finances (talk calmly, don’t nag or criticize). And let him know that if he doesn’t get a job, you will. OR maybe you both should, to make the family finances better.

It’s nice to lounge around and do nothing, but you can’t if you can not afford it. That is for retirement or for stay at home moms or dads. IF he is going to be stay at home dad, then he needs chores and stuff that you would normally do. The cleaning, ironing, laundry etc becomes his responsibilities.
 
you cannot change your husband, you cannot take responsiblity or beat yourself up for things only he can take action on. Do what is best for your and the family at this time, maybe the situation will change, but you can only act for you, not him. Whatever else, do not nag, belittle, or speak about your personal family situation to outsiders, especially neighbors and relatives.
 
I feel for your difficult situation. My ex husband did not work 8 of my 10 years of marriage for one reason or another. Always an excuse, and he suffered from depression, made worse by his lack of work.

Puzzleannie is correct in that losing a job ranks just below a death of a loved one, in terms of emotional devastation.

The more this situation continues, the more of an enabler you become. Serious stuff. If you get a job, that is also enabling him to stay home. (I ended up getting a part time job on top of the full time one just to cover expenses.) Please note I am not suggesting you do not get a job - you need a quick patch.

But the root of the problem needs to be addressed.
Please get him back to the physicians and get some healing for him. Then he can get back to being the man of the house and the breadwinner.
 
You are in an interesting situation. What kind of advice would you give to a wife whose husband does work, but isn’t exactly real helpful with the rest of the housework?
 
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martino:
I think you should confront him head on about this. Remind him that it is not all about him but it’s about the children. I would rather not work too to be perfectly honest with you, but most of us do not see it as an optional thing.
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Martino,
Thanks for giving me the push I needed to confront the situation. Last evening I had a long and productive talk with my husband. We are now in on level with things and I am at peace once again.
Thanks All,
for replies. I have tried, I can’t tell you how many times, to update this situation but boards have been down.
Peace to all.
 
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puzzleannie:
Whatever else, do not nag, belittle, or speak about your personal family situation to outsiders, especially neighbors and relatives.
Click to expand...
Very good advice, thanks. A bit late but reassuring to my instincts.
 
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practicalmom:
My husband of eight years quit his job nine months ago, after learning he did not make partner at his law firm. Each month he says he will go back to work, next month, but then next month never comes. I have, until recently, refrained from nagging or suggesting that he needs to go back to work. But we are now out of money and living off our 401K savings and credit cards.

I sincerely want what is best for him, myself and our two young children. I am aware that nagging or criticizing him will only further deflate him, yet, I also suspect that I am (like all his other unemployed/retired friends) enabling him in some way. I have suggested that he talk to his doctor about altering his meds for depression, but my husband insists he has never been happier. And, in a way, he is right. He is only happy when he is not working and hanging around with his retired/unemployed friends at the coffee shop.

I am a stay-at-home mom who has some earning potential. I cannot make as much as my husband, but I can support our family if I go back to work. And yet, my husband and I both agree that he should be the breadwinner.

I have recently been studying Paul’s letters to Thesolonians and am haunted by his instruction in regard to the idle:

2 Thessalonians 3:6-15
In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, we command you, brothers, to keep away from every
brother who is idle and does not live according to the teaching you received from us. 7For you
yourselves know how you ought to follow our example. We were not idle when we were with
you, 8nor did we eat anyone’s food without paying for it. On the contrary, we worked night and
day, laboring and toiling so that we would not be a burden to any of you. 9We did this, not
because we do not have the right to such help, but in order to make ourselves a model for you to
follow. 10For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “If a man will not work, he
shall not eat.”
11We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy; they are busybodies. 12Such people
we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the bread they eat. 13And
as for you, brothers, never tire of doing what is right.
14 Do not associate with him, in order that he may feel ashamed. 15Yet do not regard him as an enemy, but warn him
as a brother.

I would appreciate any suggestions as to a wife’s role in this situation. I cannot ignore him and do not want to be rude to his lazy friends, but I am coming to the end of my rope.

Thanks and God Bless.
Click to expand...
Talk to your confessor. Is he Catholic? If so, as the priest to have a talk with him. If he still won’t work, kick him out of the house.
 
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