Husbands friends

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marybee

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I met my husband through my brothers (they were highscool friends) so we all have common friends. My husbands best friend came into town and invited all the old gang out except him. We were both insulted and hurt by this. Well I heard through the grapevine that they didnot invite him bc of me. they all think Im a Bi#@$ including my brother. I was even more hurt that he came to announce that he and his wife were expecting and they didnt tell us. when I heard the news I sent them a congrats note, almost two weeks ago and have still not heard from them, or any of them. I know they must know that i know. I know I am going to be around these people again and I just want to confront them but I wont, any ideas how to resolve this.
 
I’m sorry, marybee. This is a really tough spot, because if you say anything, you validate their claims about you, but if you don’t, they don’t realize how badly it hurt you. Could you privately talk to your brother? I understand that may not be an option, because I have a brother who has no contact with me, so I understand that predicament.

Meanwhile, I’ll send you a big (((((HUG))))), and pray that God grants you the grace to handle this snub.
 
Sue,
Yes I have talked to my brother privately and he told me that “maybe theres some truth to it!” Then he asked my DH to go hunting with him. I guess I want my hubby to defend me but that again would embarrass him further to “the guys”
 
I think that if I were in your position, I would want to know why my brother and his friends thought that way about me. I would suggest praying for an open heart (in both yourself and your brother) and then approaching him and asking him in a humble manner to discuss his feelings with you. It may be as simple as a misunderstanding, or perhaps he’s feeling that he’s “lost” his best friend to you.
 
Did these people come to your wedding? Invite you to theirs? This is new? Why do they think your’e a b word? And your brothers tolerate this?

In a perfect world, your brothers should stand up and not go if you aren’t invited, and neither should your husband. But the world ain’t perfect.

So why do they think this? If it is some kind of pettiness, then act the adult and take the high road. Let your husband go, be all sweetness and kindness. Show how verrrry wrong they are.

If there is any real basis for why they think this, then you need to make amends, somehow, and turn over a new leaf. They still might not accept you, but you will have done all you can do.
 
I have a good friend of mine that we routinely leave out of things because of his girlfriend. But that’s because they fight, very badly in public, it’s so uncomfortable we can’t stand it. They would come over our house, have a few glasses of wine or beers and start fighting. It was very disfunctional. She would curse him and even spit at him, we all really can’t stand it anymore, and we have no idea how the guy puts up with it.

I don’t know if you guys fight around them, but that could be a part of it.
 
No, we dont fight like that. Although we do have disagreements. I think it has more to do with the fact that I dont let him stay out till 4am. What kind grown married man with three kids would need to stay out that late?
 
marybee said:
What kind grown married man with three kids would need to stay out that late?
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Exactly. This is not the type of influence that would make him a better husband and father. Probably best he doesn’t go out with them.
What his friends think doesn’t really matter. It’s what your husband thinks that is important. How does he feel about the situation? Does he blame you for his so-called friends not inviting him? What can you do to support him in this?

My wife and some friends of mine had a disagreement. When the division became clear, I stuck with my wife (of course) and never looked back.

Btw, are any of these people married?
 
marybee said:
No, we dont fight like that. Although we do have disagreements. I think it has more to do with the fact that I dont let him stay out till 4am. What kind grown married man with three kids would need to stay out that late?
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Yeah well, I don’t know the whole situation.

If the only issue is the staying out late - you may be able to work with that.

Truely if there are no responsiblities to tend to the next day
Why can’t the DH stay out 'til 4 a.m. - Perhaps Once a year with his buddies ?

Other than that — it’s up to your DH to decide that he will accept his responsibliy and part in the marriage.

In short, does he blame you - Publicly or privately ?

It is way to easy for a man to make a joke :

“I gotta go guyz, my wife won’t let me stay out late”
“My wife will be mad for a week if I don’t get home soon”
etc.

Instead of –

" I’ve gotta call it a night guyz. I have some things That I need to take care of in the morning."

" I respect my wife’s opinion that I should get home at a decent hour. I could stay out longer - but this is a decision that I’ve made for myself — You need to respect that. "

==============

His friends shouldn’t be mad at you, because your D.H. doesn’t stay out late. They should only be mad at him.

You have nothing to do with it.
He is in control of his own actions.
You don’t drive to the Bar and grab his ear and pull him home { do you ?}.

That’s my 2 cents

tjp
 
In regards to the above questions
One is married expecting #2
One is shacking up with a girl and has 2 kids
two of them are unmarried living with MOMMY dear!
And yes he does miss his obligations, includiing one time when he never showed up when I was supposed to go to work (we have three kids) so I did not have a babysitter. and the other times he is sick the entire next day. I dont care that he goes out but it never happens without excessive drinking. I guess I dont care that he did not go but It was so hurtful that they all talk nasty about me and hubby!
 
marybee said:
In regards to the above questions
One is married expecting #2
One is shacking up with a girl and has 2 kids
two of them are unmarried living with MOMMY dear!
And yes he does miss his obligations, includiing one time when he never showed up when I was supposed to go to work (we have three kids) so I did not have a babysitter. and the other times he is sick the entire next day. I dont care that he goes out but it never happens without excessive drinking. I guess I dont care that he did not go but It was so hurtful that they all talk nasty about me and hubby!
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well, I guess if that makes you a B****, then count me in too! I don’t even like my husband going out for a few hours without me let alone all night!!!:o I hate to be left out.
 
One of the most difficult things I ever had to do was a personal inventory. I had to look the resentments and fears I have in my life and see how those resentments and fears caused me to behave in ways that were not Christ-like. It was very difficult. It was humiliating. It was painful. It was the best thing I ever did in my life.

If an entire group of people are excluding you and your husband because they think YOU are a B***h there are three possibilities:
  1. they are wrong. it is all their fault. they are spoiled, drunken, jerks who have no idea what an incredible woman you are, are jealous of your life and so call you names to make themselves feel better.
  2. they are absolutely right. You are a nasy woman who nags her husband, makes them feel uncomfortable, treats people horribly and behaves like a shrew.
  3. they are a little bit right and a little bit wrong.
If it is number 1 then get new friends at your parish and ‘divorce’ yourself from them. Be loving and polite but accept the fact that they think this way about you and it will not change…but it doesn’t matter because they are wrong.

If it is number 2 then get yourself to the confessional at least once a week and make amends to these people for past harms. Then go out of your way, through prayer and meditation, to improve your concious contact with God so that you do not continue to behave in this destructive manner.

If it is number 3 then do what you can to change those parts of you that need changing, deepen your prayer life and thank GOD you have a loving husband and three kids…and put it all in perspective.

there, wasn’t that easy? :confused:
 
marybee said:
In regards to the above questions
…
And yes he does miss his obligations, includiing one time when he never showed up when I was supposed to go to work (we have three kids) so I did not have a babysitter. and the other times he is sick the entire next day. I dont care that he goes out but it never happens without excessive drinking. I guess I dont care that he did not go but It was so hurtful that they all talk nasty about me and hubby!
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Well Marybee,

From this my opinion is that your DH is a part of the problem.

Why can’t he party with his buddy’s in moderation ?
Cut his evening a little shorter - - Not drink as much.

If he could take more responsiblity when he parties with them - then you would be more flexible with letting him go.

Try to work out a compromise.

Thus everyone is respected, DH, wife, and friends.

I’ll ask the question again – Do they think that you are a B*** because of somthing your DH has said ?

These Guyz don’t want your husband around because he can barely have a good time when he is with them. (or goes overboard)
{Your influence may seem like a 2000 lb gorilla in the room.}

Somehow you have been identified as the “kill joy” of the situation. Thus you were obviously not invited.

DH needs to work out a plan where he shows that he values and respects YOU (his wife) AND his long time Buddies, By giving each of you due time and consideration proper to you stations in his life.

These are your husband’s friends “right”? (except for your brother)
Then their problem should be with him - not demonizing you.

God Bless

tjp
 
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