Husband's mom hung up on him

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m_crane

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Hi all,

I have on going communication problem with my MIL. I have taken some posters previous advice to let my husband handle her when there is an issue.

My husband dutifully calls his mom from home every week and we visit and take her out once a month.

We host all holidays, so with Thanksgiving coming and all the stress and financial burden that it causes mostly me, we decided to give ourselves a break and invite all these people to eat out at a buffet.

I emailed all the details to the group, except MIL who doesn’t do email. My husband invited her by phone. She didn’t seem too receptive, so* he asked her to call him at home* on Friday after work.

Now one of my issues is that MIL has never called our home. I feel she doesn’t want to call because she doesn’t want to talk to him when I might be around. I strongly think that she doesn’t like me and that’s ok.
We got new business number and agreed that because it was disruptive that we would not give it out to family. His mother got the number out of him and gave it to the SILS. Now MIL and SILs only call him at work too.

Well today MIL called to RSVP but not at our house,* she called him at work. * My husband forgot to ask her if she had a ride and some other details but the jist was she was not attending.
He told me that he was distracted , (he is never rude but usually apologetic whe he is busy) when she called so he didn’t get the details. He said that after the phone call he became annoyed when he thought about it because he had asked her to call him at home. He knows that it hurt me that she won’t call our home. He has invited her us at home but she won’t.

I asked him to call her when he got home and make sure that she wanted to sit home for Thanksgiving. I said that he should ask her to only use the work number for emergencies.

He called and told her that he was a little startled to get the RSVP at work and that he didn’t have a chance to talk to her. They chatted a little. Then he told to call at home unless it is an emergency. When he told her this, she said that she wouldn’t bother anybody anymore and hung up on him. He was upset but I think it was the first time he ever told her, what his needs are.

Is this the beginning of honest communication or are we hitting a dead end with Mom?
 
m_crane said:
Is this the beginning of honest communication or are we hitting a dead end with Mom?
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My guess is neither. It’s a power play on her part to make your husband feel guilty for restricting her access to him. Just ignore it. Don’t back down. Don’t apologise. Ignore.
 
“He called and told her that he was a little startled to get the RSVP at work and that he didn’t have a chance to talk to her. They chatted a little. Then he told to call at home unless it is an emergency. When he told her this, she said that she wouldn’t bother anybody anymore and hung up on him. He was upset but I think it was the first time he ever told her, what his needs are.”

Don’t worry about me–I’ll just sit here in the dark.

torah.org/features/spirfocus/guilt.html

“Is this the beginning of honest communication or are we hitting a dead end with Mom?”

Both?

I would suggest just taking MIL at face value. Don’t go chasing after her or budging on the no-calls-at-work thing. I think I’d have your husband call her early on Thanksgiving to wish her a happy holiday and arrange a last-minute ride to the party if she wants it (she will probably have a change of heart if a bunch of other relatives are coming), but don’t bend over backwards.

If the no-calls-at-work thing comes up, your husband can say apologetically, “It’s so hard to focus on family stuff at work. I really want to give you my full attention, and I can’t at work.”
 
Well… Older parents can be difficult , some parents realise that and go to far the other way, my own mother became very difficult , and when we tried to explain that she was being rude or just plain difficult , she would get the waterworks going, cry out loud and say ,
You come from my heart and this is how you treat you mother,after all iv suffered for you,
All you can do is be patient & caring because this is one war you will never win,
Just as long as you and your husband are communicating , and on the same page,…
And don’t make comments behind each other’s back, as long as you both work and live as a team ,because your mil just wants to divide and wants her baby back,
Hope this is not misinterpreted …
Take care of one another,,,
 
I would tell your husband not to accept any telephone calls from relatives on his business phone, and not to contact his mother in any way. I guarantee that within a month she will call him. At that time, if she calls him on his business phone, he should firmly tell her that he is too busy to talk and to call him at home.
Guaranteed she will do just that within a couple of weeks. Of course, there will be beau coup tears on her part-“You don’t love me anymore, and after all I did for you”- but it is high time he let her know that he is an adult and the relationship between them cannot be on her terms alone.
I know, because I spent many years at sea to get away from that very thing. It only ended when I stood up to my parents and demanded the respect an adult is entitled to. Unfortunately, I was in my late thirties when that happened…I guess I was a slow starter…but, for the rest of their lives we were on good terms.
 
Let him handle this his way. If he asks if it is unreasonable to tell her to only call him at work if it is an emergency, tell him the truth: Of course it isn’t. Most people do not have to be told that. If he asks whether he ought to call her or not, ask him what he wants to do.

Be honest about your needs, but be his rock, have his back. For instance, you can tell him that while it of course hurts your feelings that she seems to want to avoid you, that it is not worth a confrontation. IOW, don’t put him between a rock and a hard place. If he decides to call her up and deal with this his own way without consulting you, bite your tongue, unless in the end congratulations are in order. The less you comment on bad scenes that happen when someone parents their children or tries to handle their parents, the better. Help them to save face–just let it go. “Eh, parents! Can’t live with 'em, can’t live without 'em!”

Sometimes family try to manipulate us with these little dramas. The best thing for tantrums and bald-faced attempts to manipulate is to ignore them, starting from the time we throw a tantrum to get our way when we’re four and all the way up to when we get AARP age and still yell “Fine! I won’t bother you any more!” and hang up on our son. All that needs to be remembered from that interaction is that yes, she heard the message that she is not to call him at work. The rest, it never happened. It was a tantrum. So if he wants to know what to do about her little show, I’d say the best thing is to do nothing at all. Act like it never happened. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Chances are, those little shows of temper won’t happen very often. If they do, well–if she wants to scream and bang her head on the floor, it is her head.
 
I would be very happy if she didn’t call home, to avoid me.
Just sayin.

I like the advice given above. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
 
Thanks for all your great responses. I admit I am happy that he held his ground. This is a rare thing for him. I’m proud of him.

My husband did have regrets and told me that she might write him out of her will. I laughed and reminded him that the nursing home will get all her money in the end anyway. (I so don’t want her money)

My husband and I are in tough times right now. His mother has always been the kind of person who “relies on the kindness of strangers” to quote a movie line. The issue is she is loaded and very capable of seeing not only to her own needs but to help others as well. She does neither.

I don’t expect anything from her except some understanding that we work very hard, have a lot on our plate and have very limited resources right now.

Just a little side note- when husband and I got married (30 years ago) my MIL couldn’t come to our wedding because she said she had to work. Ya gotta laugh!
 
underacloud said:
My guess is neither. It’s a power play on her part to make your husband feel guilty for restricting her access to him. Just ignore it. Don’t back down. Don’t apologise. Ignore.
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Agreed. I’ve seen it over and over with other family members don’t give in to manipulation tactics. I would hold a spot for her weather or not she comes and offer to provide a ride at a certain time. If she refuses then it’s on her not you. But if she changes her mind at the last minute then you are covered. No stresss no worries.
 
Your MIL sounds like my step-grandmother (who is now deceased). Very passive aggressive. Oh the tears she caused me when she was alive (and when she died - oh my word, it was bad. My poor, poor mother. My step-grandmother was a spiteful, hateful woman and she made sure she carried that on after her death).

Please don’t give in but do pray, pray, pray for her (and your husband). She is emotionally manipulative. Don’t fall for it. Please. I can’t tell you how many holidays, birthdays, etc. were ruined because we had to cater to grandma. Please don’t give in to her passive aggressiveness.
 
Why do you need to know if she “needs a ride”? If she doesn’t have a car or doesn’t drive the natural thing to do is say you are picking her up and what time. I don’t own a car because I can’t afford one and have been very insulted when invited to Thanksgiving Dinner at my sister’s and told, “Let us know if you need a ride.” Sounds to me like she got insulted over the phone thing. I probably would too. Because saying don’t do this or that sounds like we don’t like what you do, go away.

But I haven’t read enough of your threads to get a true idea of what is going on.

She must have done something right, loving, thoughtful, and giving in her life or you would have fallen in love with her son.
 
Why do you need to know if she “needs a ride”? If she doesn’t have a car or doesn’t drive the natural thing to do is say you are picking her up and what time. I don’t own a car because I can’t afford one and have been very insulted when invited to Thanksgiving Dinner at my sister’s and told, “Let us know if you need a ride.” Sounds to me like she got insulted over the phone thing. I probably would too. Because saying don’t do this or that sounds like we don’t like what you do, go away.

But I haven’t read enough of your threads to get a true idea of what is going on.

She must have done something right, loving, thoughtful, and giving in her life or you would have fallen in love with her son. J
 
She is weird. I would forget about the whole thing, and just nod and don’t worry if she shows up/doesn’t show up. That’s so weird.

People who act like that get what they deserve. So just sit back and watch. No need to act.
 
m_crane said:
Hi all,

We host all holidays, so with Thanksgiving coming and all the stress and financial burden that it causes mostly me, we decided to give ourselves a break and invite all these people to eat out at a buffet.

I emailed all the details to the group, except MIL who doesn’t do email. My husband invited her by phone. She didn’t seem too receptive, so* he asked her to call him at home* on Friday after work.
Click to expand...
And the rest of the group is o.k. with this–with the buffet? I wouldn’t be too receptive to the idea either. This seems like a big change and it doesn’t sound like a holiday get together to me–to be quite truthful I’d rather sit at home than be stuck at a buffet. You can’t break into groups for various conversations and mingle like you would at home. Can’t watch the football game, no family game playing. No leisurely snacks and drinks before dinner. No just hanging out as a family and enjoying each others company. It’s show up at X hr, sit down, eat, and go home. So I’d say count me out–of course if it came to that–I’d suggest having the group come to my house. So while your mother in law sounds difficult–I can understand her not being too receptive to the idea. Does the rest of your family not each bring a dish or desert and drinks? Do they not help with the clean up? My mom doesn’t do much of the cooking anymore–she is more of a supervisor at this point.

I don’t have any idea about your family dynamic, but I know what it is like to have a mother in law who is not overly fond of you and probably wishes their child had married someone else, and I have come to realize that all I can do is love and serve her regardless of her attitude. How I treat her is all I can control and it is all that I am responsible for. How she treats me, her child (my wife) and our kids is not in our control–we all know her and we know what to expect–all we can control is our reponse and how we treat her. It took me/us more years than it should have to figure this out but figuring it out has elimated the stress and the hurt feelings.

I wish you all the best and hope your Thanksgiving goes well.

The peace of Christ,
Mark
 
MarkinOregon said:

“Does the rest of your family not each bring a dish or desert and drinks? Do they not help with the clean up?”

I gather that there’s a very high degree of dysfunction on that side of the family, so no, it may not be reasonable to expect that they would all bring something that would add up to a Thanksgiving dinner. Their share would probably be a 2 liter bottle of off-brand cola and a box of donuts, if they really exerted themselves.

OP, am I reading your family right?
 
m_crane said:
They chatted a little. Then he told to call at home unless it is an emergency. When he told her this, she said that she wouldn’t bother anybody anymore and hung up on him. He was upset but I think it was the first time he ever told her, what his needs are.

Is this the beginning of honest communication or are we hitting a dead end with Mom?
Click to expand...
Lol, I can just hear that. “Well I won’t be bothering anyone anymore! humpf. Click.”

My maternal grandmother didn’t like my father either, for no reason whatsoever than she didn’t think he was wellbred enough for Mum. Even when my father went on to outdo pretty much every one of my uncles and aunts in life. Grandma could always find something to criticise about him. Luckily Dad never cared two hoots and even seemed oblvious to it. Mum cared more but never made an issue of it. No doubt Grandma got time to ponder on it all somewhere in the afterlife?

If it is genuinely too disruptive to take personal calls during work, your husband would be prudent to tell all members of the family to not use the number save for emergencies. That’s so … normal. Billions of people expect or understand that simple courtesy.

I think he and you have to strive to be like my dad was with my grandmother. Water off a ducks back. It’s her baggage and you shouldn’t have to store it in your home.
 
Mark that is a great post. I especially agree with and like this: " How I treat her is all I can control and it is all that I am responsible for."

I also had a very difficult MIL and she made me cry many times because she was a very callous and unkind person. I, on the other hand, was sensitive when I was younger and concerned about my own feelings and could not understand why she was so mean spirited towards me and others, even her own children at times.

Many years later I was able to put it into perspective but unfortunately it was too late as she had passed on. In retrospect I wish I had sat down with her and talked with her instead od keeping her at arms length to protect my feelings. I now realize what a lonely and very troubled person she was. A dependency on over the counter drugs, alcohol and even mental illness.

The older she got the more depressed and lonely she became. I have sympathy for her now. Back then I only had sympathy for myself.

OP do you ever call her just to say hi or to ask if she’d like to go to lunch. If she rejects you so be it but good to leave the door open a crack and this could alleviate some stress for your husband. Afterall this is his Mom—like her or not—be she wrong or not.

Is it such a tragic thing if she calls her son on his business phone? Does it really matter in the big picture.
 
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