I’m caught in the middle: Family feud

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1inICXC

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My husband and his brother had a huge fight. The gist of it was my husband proposing to help MY FIL with a big hurdle in his life and my BIL responding mostly with a who-do-you-think-you-are attitude, aggressively accusing my husband of being a bad father, irresponsible, unaccomplished etc. It was surprising since they’ve been getting along well lately.
My husband was extremely hurt, reminded him of some of his own failings and shortages in his life (which I don’t think he should have!) and walked out.
2 hours later, my BIL issues a nice apology, (on our common family channel) admitting to not meaning what he said and applauding my husband for the family and career he has.
I told DH to think long and hard before replying because he was still VERY emotional about the whole thing.

His reply ended up being (the gist of it): thank you for the apology, what you said was hurtful, you should be ashamed of yourself, you disrespected me, shame on you. Closing line was actually: shame on you!

I was so angry with him I could hardly contain myself. I told him I do not stand behind his reply and ended up having our own fight about it.
Now, beside the big fight we had, I’m trying to figure out what my position should be in all of this considering it’s our public channel (with my parents in law).
I do not find the reply acceptable but how can I place myself publicly against my husband?
 
To be blunt…I don’t think there is much you can do.

He is an adult and his own person. You can absolutely disagree with him but it wouldn’t be wise to directly insert yourself into an issue that doesn’t directly involve you.

My husband and I have both had issues with our only siblings. To our credit…we both handled it the same way…we left it alone and did not get involved. It prevented conflict entering into our own relationship. It would have been so much worse if sides were taken or if either of us directly inserted ourselves into the situation to try and “fix” it.

Give it a few days to a week and see where they are at. While you are considered family to them…this situation doesn’t involve you so don’t actively try to change that. I promise that nothing good will come of it.
 
Thank you! here’s to letting go of the control-freak in me and letting things play themselves out.

.I probably shouldn’t have said anything to my husband either.
 
You should stay in your lane. But if you can’t you should back your husband.
 
Sounds like a ‘public family channel’ is a 24/7 Thanksgiving Dinner, with all the risks associated with that.
 
1inICXC said:
I was so angry with him I could hardly contain myself.
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Why? He was hurt and angry. It happens to the best of us. Maybe he should have listened to you and replied after he had calmed down, but he’s human. We all make mistakes. Your reaction seems disproportionate to me.
1inICXC said:
I told him I do not stand behind his reply and ended up having our own fight about it.
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Once again, this seems like a disproportionate reaction. Your husband was hurting and instead of supporting him you made yourself into his opponent.
1inICXC said:
Now, beside the big fight we had, I’m trying to figure out what my position should be in all of this considering it’s our public channel (with my parents in law).
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Sounds like both your husband and his brother are a little bit in the right and a little bit in the wrong. In the public channel, why not just remain neutral? Just say nothing.
1inICXC said:
how can I place myself publicly against my husband?
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You don’t. Unless you’ve omitted very big details from this story, it should take a whole lot more than a family argument such as this for someone to turn against their spouse in public. Remain as neutral as you can, and if you absolutely must take sides, stand with your husband.
 
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Stay out of the fight your husband and brother are in. It’s between the two of them regarding their father.

As to the fight you and hubby had, apologize and ask forgiveness for your part in it. Then say no more about it to him. Just pray for peace for all of you.
 
What you do is you stay out of it and let your husband lead the way.

My husband has disagreements with his brother, mostly over FIL. (BIL thinks FIL is Mr. Wonderful. Hubby thinks FIL is a narcissist and he’s probably right.) I back Hubby on this.
 
Thank you all for the replies!! Waters have settled.

It will always be beyond me how people (men) can say such deeply hurtful and personal things to each other and then have it all blow over next day…
 
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