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olmedo12
Guest
Warning: this is a lengthy post, so proceed reading if you’d like. I’m in desperate need of guidance, thank you.
I’ve been thinking about the 5th and 9th commandment as well as mortal sins lately. I’m 19 years old. At the end of last year (which was not long ago in Dec.), I was taken advantage of which ended in me losing my virginity. I’ve felt shame ever since because I was intoxicated with alcohol (that I willingly drank). Please know I’ve never had the intention of losing my virginity. I’ve always wanted to save myself. I don’t know how but I barely remember the night. It was at a festival so I only remember a few moments that involved me dancing and a few flashes of the actual incident that occurred. I’ve been told by many people already that’s it’s not my fault, but I can’t help but feel guilt that I could’ve prevented this had I not drank. I would’ve been aware of my surroundings and not let a stranger take advantage of my state. At first, I thought I would be able to put this incident behind me and forget about it. And for a while, it worked. But I think about it every day, unintentionally. I keep getting sudden flashes of different moments of the incident. I feel disgust, shame, embarrassment, anger, so many feelings every single time. I lie awake at night, wanting to cry. I feel guilty because I’ve kept this from my parents. I lied to my mom when she discovered the medical bill (before I could intercept it), and I told her it was because I got food poisoning from a fast food restaurant that we stopped by on the way home. She believed me because she really trusts my word. I went with my older sister on that trip so naturally she knows. Only a few close friends of mine know what happened. I did file a police report because I was forced to when I went to the hospital but I chose to not pursue it or move forward with any charges to conceal the incident from my parents. I’ve always had a close relationship with my parents, always telling everything to mother who’s always been so understanding. But I’m scared, scared of their reaction. I’m scared of everything changing. How they view me. I have a strong feeling they’ll feel resentment towards my older sister for “letting” it happen. I’ve talked to my parents before about incidents, of a similar situation to mine, that have happened to other girls. Their responses weren’t assuring or supportive to me, further reinforcing my fear to tell them. But I really want to tell them. It’s always been my intention to but I’ve never known if I have to the courage to do so. I feel guilty everyday for lying to my mother (and father of course). The fact she believed me when I told her it was just food poisoning makes me feel worse. I always tell her everything, and this one time I couldn’t. I know I need to tell her, but I’m scared. This has led me to ponder over the 5th and 9th commandments. Is what I’ve done a mortal sin? I just need to know what I should do. I know I have trauma, I feel it worse by the day especially at night where the only thing that occupies my mind is that.
I’ve been thinking about the 5th and 9th commandment as well as mortal sins lately. I’m 19 years old. At the end of last year (which was not long ago in Dec.), I was taken advantage of which ended in me losing my virginity. I’ve felt shame ever since because I was intoxicated with alcohol (that I willingly drank). Please know I’ve never had the intention of losing my virginity. I’ve always wanted to save myself. I don’t know how but I barely remember the night. It was at a festival so I only remember a few moments that involved me dancing and a few flashes of the actual incident that occurred. I’ve been told by many people already that’s it’s not my fault, but I can’t help but feel guilt that I could’ve prevented this had I not drank. I would’ve been aware of my surroundings and not let a stranger take advantage of my state. At first, I thought I would be able to put this incident behind me and forget about it. And for a while, it worked. But I think about it every day, unintentionally. I keep getting sudden flashes of different moments of the incident. I feel disgust, shame, embarrassment, anger, so many feelings every single time. I lie awake at night, wanting to cry. I feel guilty because I’ve kept this from my parents. I lied to my mom when she discovered the medical bill (before I could intercept it), and I told her it was because I got food poisoning from a fast food restaurant that we stopped by on the way home. She believed me because she really trusts my word. I went with my older sister on that trip so naturally she knows. Only a few close friends of mine know what happened. I did file a police report because I was forced to when I went to the hospital but I chose to not pursue it or move forward with any charges to conceal the incident from my parents. I’ve always had a close relationship with my parents, always telling everything to mother who’s always been so understanding. But I’m scared, scared of their reaction. I’m scared of everything changing. How they view me. I have a strong feeling they’ll feel resentment towards my older sister for “letting” it happen. I’ve talked to my parents before about incidents, of a similar situation to mine, that have happened to other girls. Their responses weren’t assuring or supportive to me, further reinforcing my fear to tell them. But I really want to tell them. It’s always been my intention to but I’ve never known if I have to the courage to do so. I feel guilty everyday for lying to my mother (and father of course). The fact she believed me when I told her it was just food poisoning makes me feel worse. I always tell her everything, and this one time I couldn’t. I know I need to tell her, but I’m scared. This has led me to ponder over the 5th and 9th commandments. Is what I’ve done a mortal sin? I just need to know what I should do. I know I have trauma, I feel it worse by the day especially at night where the only thing that occupies my mind is that.
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don’t blame yourself for what happened, it wasn’t your fault.