S
sadowa
Guest
My Sister has charity. My Father has come home froma rest home but needs almost that same standard of care. I have helped here and there. I even used a day of leave that found me talking on things like sports that avoid the difficult. Yet as I noticed today when trying to help with his wheelchair and could not get it right my efforts are met with insults at every wrong move of a lever or gear. It is a metaphor for my entire interaction with this man: to constantly be reminded of what you don’t do right.
He was much more accomplished than me and very solid middle class while I am a member of the working poor. My Sister does so much more yet she doesn’t attend church. I have a brother nearby who does who does vitrually nothing aside from a convient vist that fits his schedule. My efforts are hampered by his judgements and his actions.
When I first started in what was to be a failed effort to teach children something came back to me from repressed memory that tore me open: A memeory came bacl of a little boy trudging off to school after he had been hurled and smashed against a wall. His Mother screaming something about divorce at this hidden brute. I came to realize my Father the well accomplished profesional was a felon. When he still lectures me on what I should become and how I fall short even as he fades, I want him to know the main reason I ahve had trouble is in that I lived in fear of a child abusing felon. Add this to the fact that I stumbled on what was likely phone contact from a mistress. Plus I saved him from choking to death. Which he seems to forget when he makes a “I should have made you move out after high scool speach.”
Well that is a genuine opinion, but I would need to counter you would have died on your dining room floor.
Now I know it is not right to taunt him or at his age and in his condition to bring up these old things. I said I had trouble with charity, but I do not want that to extent that to being unable to forgive. The crux of the issue is caught up in the fact I need a better job too. Basically I want to look for jobs out of the area. I need to escape some memories too. It seems to me sometimes a person needs to go elsewhere. My Mass attendance is sporadic. Even if I get going more often I do not want to be associated with a parrish. I am the guy without the envelope who puts cash in the basket for offering. I like going to monasteries, cathedrals, and university Mass to gain some anonimity.
I fear God will punish me for moving away. I know my Father will go on about cutting me out of his will. I figure he can use his money for his own care, or leave it to Catholic charities. It is embarassing to say how old I am and still living at home. Illness explains much of this, but I am stereotyped in my present circumstances.
There really isn’t hate in my heart for my Father. He has had seven operations in four months and almost lost his life. If I ever wanted him to suffer he certainly is now. However, I pray that the Lord ease his suffering. It is only that I fear my inadequacy as a care giver. I fear saying something hurtful. Frequently I have traveled in pursuit of a second income. I dread saying I need to try to do thid, or you will have to compensate for staying home. The there is the simply not knowing if you schedule a vacation that all your plans will go astray. I am not charitable when this happens. I have a terrible problem with resentment that brings out self destructive behavior. Then it becomes a priority for me to find a job else where
Sincerely,
He was much more accomplished than me and very solid middle class while I am a member of the working poor. My Sister does so much more yet she doesn’t attend church. I have a brother nearby who does who does vitrually nothing aside from a convient vist that fits his schedule. My efforts are hampered by his judgements and his actions.
When I first started in what was to be a failed effort to teach children something came back to me from repressed memory that tore me open: A memeory came bacl of a little boy trudging off to school after he had been hurled and smashed against a wall. His Mother screaming something about divorce at this hidden brute. I came to realize my Father the well accomplished profesional was a felon. When he still lectures me on what I should become and how I fall short even as he fades, I want him to know the main reason I ahve had trouble is in that I lived in fear of a child abusing felon. Add this to the fact that I stumbled on what was likely phone contact from a mistress. Plus I saved him from choking to death. Which he seems to forget when he makes a “I should have made you move out after high scool speach.”
Well that is a genuine opinion, but I would need to counter you would have died on your dining room floor.
Now I know it is not right to taunt him or at his age and in his condition to bring up these old things. I said I had trouble with charity, but I do not want that to extent that to being unable to forgive. The crux of the issue is caught up in the fact I need a better job too. Basically I want to look for jobs out of the area. I need to escape some memories too. It seems to me sometimes a person needs to go elsewhere. My Mass attendance is sporadic. Even if I get going more often I do not want to be associated with a parrish. I am the guy without the envelope who puts cash in the basket for offering. I like going to monasteries, cathedrals, and university Mass to gain some anonimity.
I fear God will punish me for moving away. I know my Father will go on about cutting me out of his will. I figure he can use his money for his own care, or leave it to Catholic charities. It is embarassing to say how old I am and still living at home. Illness explains much of this, but I am stereotyped in my present circumstances.
There really isn’t hate in my heart for my Father. He has had seven operations in four months and almost lost his life. If I ever wanted him to suffer he certainly is now. However, I pray that the Lord ease his suffering. It is only that I fear my inadequacy as a care giver. I fear saying something hurtful. Frequently I have traveled in pursuit of a second income. I dread saying I need to try to do thid, or you will have to compensate for staying home. The there is the simply not knowing if you schedule a vacation that all your plans will go astray. I am not charitable when this happens. I have a terrible problem with resentment that brings out self destructive behavior. Then it becomes a priority for me to find a job else where
Sincerely,