I almost regret it

[Dubervilles]

Until recently (visiting these boards) I thought I knew and understood what the Church taught on NFP/children/family. I thought that children could be avoided through NFP indefinitely if you wanted to. I am married and have been for almost half of a year. Now upon finding out the ‘truth’ (what these forums have told me)–I feel trapped.

I never knew that it had to be a ‘serious’ or ‘grave reason’. I never knew it was such dicey territory at all. I have been on ABC for many years now. I do understand that the church condemns it and I understand why even–but I can’t bring myself to try NFP–although recently I have been drawn to the idea of doing it.

However I had in mind doing the most conservitive version heck every version I could to prevent pregnancy–but now that I find that is also morally wrong I feel there is no way out.

I almost regret getting married because of the things I have learned.

I cannot handle the thought of even having a child–I think I may almost be somewhat mentally disturbed of it as I think if someone asked me “have a child or cut off your arm” I would very willingly give them my arm… This is the reason I do not want children–I don’t think I am mentally stable enough for one although I act mentally stable now the thought of a baby is like terror to me.

What do I do? Get an annulment? Force myself to have children even if it may cause me to take my life or run away? Try NFP and then panic if it doesn’t work or stay on ABC?

So far my solution has been to stay on ABC even though I know the church’s teaching…

 

[TridentineFan]

Dubersville: Despite knowing the pain (panic, feeling trapped) you are feeling right now, I am very happy for you because you are facing truth and making a decision. You are right to be alarmed at your new, greater understanding of the Church’s teachings on children.

1. I suggest you go to an orthodox, conservative priest immediately. Remember, you can find a priest who will tell you (encourage, allow) anything, but you want one who teaches what the Church teaches.
2. My understanding is that part of what makes a marriage valid is being open to having children. That doesn’t mean being completely providential, but that each person marrying is open to having children at some point. That you went into a marriage intending never to have children is very serious.
3. I beg you to reconsider using artificial birth control. There are three factors that make a sin mortal: (1) that the matter is serious, (2) knowledge that the act is serious before committing it, and (3) full consent of the will. Of course, nobody can see inside your soul except God, but with you admitting understanding of the Church’s teachings and a commitment to continue behaving against them, you are on extremely dangerous ground. Your eternal soul separated from God is not worth worldly convenience! Your soul is worth more than even something terrifying, like marital continence or practicing NFP.

I will pray for you as you potentially face big changes in your life!

 

[dhgray]

Dubervilles:

Until recently (visiting these boards) I thought I knew and understood what the Church taught on NFP/children/family. I thought that children could be avoided through NFP indefinitely if you wanted to. I am married and have been for almost half of a year. Now upon finding out the ‘truth’ (what these forums have told me)–I feel trapped.

I never knew that it had to be a ‘serious’ or ‘grave reason’. I never knew it was such dicey territory at all. I have been on ABC for many years now. I do understand that the church condemns it and I understand why even–but I can’t bring myself to try NFP–although recently I have been drawn to the idea of doing it.

However I had in mind doing the most conservitive version heck every version I could to prevent pregnancy–but now that I find that is also morally wrong I feel there is no way out.

I almost regret getting married because of the things I have learned.

I cannot handle the thought of even having a child–I think I may almost be somewhat mentally disturbed of it as I think if someone asked me “have a child or cut off your arm” I would very willingly give them my arm… This is the reason I do not want children–I don’t think I am mentally stable enough for one although I act mentally stable now the thought of a baby is like terror to me.

What do I do? Get an annulment? Force myself to have children even if it may cause me to take my life or run away? Try NFP and then panic if it doesn’t work or stay on ABC?

So far my solution has been to stay on ABC even though I know the church’s teaching…

you should first pray, then talk to your husband and a priest and pray some more.

 

[Dubervilles]

I was not going into with a “no not ever” I went into it with a “long time from now maybe” …

 

[NeelyAnn]

First, let me ask, what is the cause of your aversion to having children?

Second, you really need to go to your Priest and seek counsel over this issue. This is very important.

Third, you need to trust God. Simply being open to having children does not mean that you will have any. In addition, if you do have children, there is no telling how many God will provide you with; it may be 1, or it could be 6. Not using birth control does not guarantee you children, or many children for that matter.

It is in God’s hands. He provides you with the children He wishes you to have. If God wishes you to have children, then how can you doubt that those children were meant to be? We must trust in God’s wisdom, and pray for His guidance and assistance.

However, if you are intent on this course, it maybe that you should seek an annulment. If you felt this way prior to marriage, you would probably have no problem obtaining the annulment.

How does your spouse feel about all this?

 

[NeelyAnn]

TridentineFan:

Dubersville: Despite knowing the pain (panic, feeling trapped) you are feeling right now, I am very happy for you because you are facing truth and making a decision. You are right to be alarmed at your new, greater understanding of the Church’s teachings on children.

1. I suggest you go to an orthodox, conservative priest immediately. Remember, you can find a priest who will tell you (encourage, allow) anything, but you want one who teaches what the Church teaches.
2. My understanding is that part of what makes a marriage valid is being open to having children. That doesn’t mean being completely providential, but that each person marrying is open to having children at some point. That you went into a marriage intending never to have children is very serious.
3. I beg you to reconsider using artificial birth control. There are three factors that make a sin mortal: (1) that the matter is serious, (2) knowledge that the act is serious before committing it, and (3) full consent of the will. Of course, nobody can see inside your soul except God, but with you admitting understanding of the Church’s teachings and a commitment to continue behaving against them, you are on extremely dangerous ground. Your eternal soul separated from God is not worth worldly convenience! Your would is worth more than even something terrifying, like marital continence or practicing NFP.

I will pray for you as you potentially face big changes in your life!

This is excellent advice!

 

[dhgray]

Dubervilles:

I was not going into with a “no not ever” I went into it with a “long time from now maybe” …

be open to the Gifts God has for you. I know women who would love to have a child and can’t. A child is a blessing. A little someone who’s who life revolves around you. And in the middle of the night when they snuggle you or greet you in the morning with a I LOVE YOU…you can’t beat the feeling. I remember one day I had a very stressful day at work. When I got home, my 2 year old son ran across the living room, wrapped his arms around my knee and yelled, “OH DADDY, I’M GLAD YOU ARE HOME.” So was I.

 

[JMJ_Theresa]

God will shower many graces on your marriage when you consent to follow the Church’s teaching.

Even if it were to happen that you have a baby–lots of people do on ABC, too–there is a lot of options to help you. You can hire help. You can get family help. Your husband can be very involved. You can reach out to your parish family–Elizabeth Ministry and Gabriel project are two ministries that are found in Indiana.

If you live in the Indianapolis area, I can connect you to some Couple to Couple league educators who could meet with you and explain the Church’s teaching and explain NFP method. PM me.

Also, I can connect you with a priest who is the spiritual director for Christopher West’s Theology of the Body seminars.

Very few of us are called to be red martyrs–dying for the faith. But we are all called to be white martyrs–dying to self, witnessing God’s grace.

It is a Grace that you are examining this area of your life.

 

[1ke]

Dubervilles:

Until recently (visiting these boards) I thought I knew and understood what the Church taught on NFP/children/family. I thought that children could be avoided through NFP indefinitely if you wanted to. I am married and have been for almost half of a year. Now upon finding out the ‘truth’ (what these forums have told me)–I feel trapped.

Yes, you can use NFP indefinitely to avoid children.

Dubervilles:

I never knew that it had to be a ‘serious’ or ‘grave reason’. I never knew it was such dicey territory at all.

Actually, there should be a just reason, not a grave reason. Just means something different from grave. Just reasons are those that are not undertaken for selfish reasons, but there is much latitude in what just reasons are.

The reasons are discerned between the couple, and ideally also with spiritual guidance from a priest if there is struggle or if the couple does not agree-- one wanting to postpone while the othe wants to move forward with a child.

Dubervilles:

I have been on ABC for many years now. I do understand that the church condemns it and I understand why even–but I can’t bring myself to try NFP–although recently I have been drawn to the idea of doing it.

I don’t understand this on two levels:

(1) You know it’s a sin to contracept.

(2) Reliability as the issue is implied, yet NFP is highly reliable. And, in many cases MORE reliable than contraception.

Dubervilles:

However I had in mind doing the most conservitive version heck every version I could to prevent pregnancy–but now that I find that is also morally wrong I feel there is no way out.

Well, you have a good reason for avoiding, as you explain below, so I don’t see it as being “morally wrong”.

Dubervilles:

I almost regret getting married because of the things I have learned.

The purpose of marriage is to procreate children. Did you not know this or understand this?

Dubervilles:

I cannot handle the thought of even having a child–I think I may almost be somewhat mentally disturbed of it as I think if someone asked me “have a child or cut off your arm” I would very willingly give them my arm… This is the reason I do not want children–I don’t think I am mentally stable enough for one although I act mentally stable now the thought of a baby is like terror to me.

This is a just reason. Emotional instability and mental problems are certainly something that should be treated and resolved prior to a child coming into the family. If you are actively working to conquer your health problem, then I don’t see the problem.

It sounds like whatever mental stress you are under is also distorting your understanding/view of church teaching on the subject of just reasons to postpone pregnancy.

Dubervilles:

What do I do? Get an annulment?

Get compentent counseling from a priest and a Catholic mental health professional.

Dubervilles:

Force myself to have children even if it may cause me to take my life or run away? Try NFP and then panic if it doesn’t work or stay on ABC?

You need to work through your mental issues. Ideally this would have been done before you entered into a marriage. BUT, it is something that you can work through now.

Dubervilles:

So far my solution has been to stay on ABC even though I know the church’s teaching…

I still don’t understand your reason for using contraception rather than NFP when you know contraception to be wrong.

 

[neweyes]

NFP is Not, I repeat NOT contraception.

 

[Ana]

1ke:

Yes, you can use NFP indefinitely to avoid children.

Actually, there should be a just reason, not a grave reason. Just means something different from grave. Just reasons are those that are not undertaken for selfish reasons, but there is much latitude in what just reasons are.

The reasons are discerned between the couple, and ideally also with spiritual guidance from a priest if there is struggle or if the couple does not agree-- one wanting to postpone while the othe wants to move forward with a child.

I don’t understand this on two levels:

(1) You know it’s a sin to contracept.

(2) Reliability as the issue is implied, yet NFP is highly reliable. And, in many cases MORE reliable than contraception.

Well, you have a good reason for avoiding, as you explain below, so I don’t see it as being “morally wrong”.

The purpose of marriage is to procreate children. Did you not know this or understand this?

This is a just reason. Emotional instability and mental problems are certainly something that should be treated and resolved prior to a child coming into the family. If you are actively working to conquer your health problem, then I don’t see the problem.

It sounds like whatever mental stress you are under is also distorting your understanding/view of church teaching on the subject of just reasons to postpone pregnancy.

Get compentent counseling from a priest and a Catholic mental health professional.

You need to work through your mental issues. Ideally this would have been done before you entered into a marriage. BUT, it is something that you can work through now.

I still don’t understand your reason for using contraception rather than NFP when you know contraception to be wrong.

Absolutely 100% agree with EVERTHING you have said here!! Excellent post!!

 

[martino]

most of the people you meet that practice NFP say its the best thing that has happened in their marriage. it may not be as bad as you think…im a guy so i dont really know!

if you have emotional or mental problems then you may very well have a good reason to avoid pregnancy and if that is the case you would be permitted to use NFP. nobody can tell you if your reasons are good or not, that is between you and God. if you feel your reasons are not selfish and you have prayed about it then no body can say anthing different.

i htink the abc you are using is probably easier or simpler but that is all, i dont think its more effective or as healty

Dubervilles:

Until recently (visiting these boards) I thought I knew and understood what the Church taught on NFP/children/family. I thought that children could be avoided through NFP indefinitely if you wanted to. I am married and have been for almost half of a year. Now upon finding out the ‘truth’ (what these forums have told me)–I feel trapped.

I never knew that it had to be a ‘serious’ or ‘grave reason’. I never knew it was such dicey territory at all. I have been on ABC for many years now. I do understand that the church condemns it and I understand why even–but I can’t bring myself to try NFP–although recently I have been drawn to the idea of doing it.

However I had in mind doing the most conservitive version heck every version I could to prevent pregnancy–but now that I find that is also morally wrong I feel there is no way out.

I almost regret getting married because of the things I have learned.

I cannot handle the thought of even having a child–I think I may almost be somewhat mentally disturbed of it as I think if someone asked me “have a child or cut off your arm” I would very willingly give them my arm… This is the reason I do not want children–I don’t think I am mentally stable enough for one although I act mentally stable now the thought of a baby is like terror to me.

What do I do? Get an annulment? Force myself to have children even if it may cause me to take my life or run away? Try NFP and then panic if it doesn’t work or stay on ABC?

So far my solution has been to stay on ABC even though I know the church’s teaching…