I am feeling very lost

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lostmom

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I am married and have a beautiful 5 month old boy. My husband is in school for 1 more year and we found out yesterday I am pregnant again. We both do not feel ready to go through it all over again. I come from a large family and have always wanted a big family too, but this has caused a big rift in my husband and I’s relationship. I want to be excited, but it so hard knowing that my husband is not and that we are overwhelmed as it is. I am trying to understand God’s plan, but right now I feel so lost. We are 100% pro-life and use NFP, this just seems like too much too handle right now. I need advice on how to help my husband accept the news and how to be more willing to follow God’s plan.
 
Your husband very likely is scared. After all, we men feel a responsibility to provide for our families in every way. Still being in school and potentially having two children is certainly a reason for him to be more than just apprehensive.

I understand his feeling to a certain degree. I was just out of school and in a very low paying job when we found out about our first. My wife graduated from college a month before our son was born. Oh, and he was born 3.5 months early and was in the hospital for another 4.5 months. And we found out about our daughter a month after he was released from the hospital.

Did I mention that we found out about our son a little more than two months after our wedding day? Or that we were both just 22 years old?

So yeah, I mean that was a super-nerve wracking time. I am fortunate to have deep-pocketed parents so I know in any TRUE emergency they’d be there to help. And they were. My father floated me a no-interest loan for a car which I have long since repaid and he fully funded an investigation into a health scare my wife had that our insurance would not pay for up front. I refunded as much as possible but he refused to take any money from me that the insurance wasn’t giving back.

I managed to find a job that paid more than double my previous salary right around the time my son was out of the hospital. It required moving but that was A-OK! It also had good insurance so dealing with a pregnancy financially was not big deal. But then the health scare, and it was a big one, hit! So just having more money certainly didn’t dial down the stress level.

Suffice to say that life can be stressful, chaotic, insane and throw a million things at you that you think you can’t deal with. So my advice is take a breath. Then ask your husband to pray with you for the strength to deal with your present situation. Ask him to turn his stress over to God and provide a path to sanity, but realize that the path He might provide is not necessarily the one you two would take.

That’s all you can do really. Do your part with prayer and hard work and turn the rest over to God.
 
Pray about this, God will help you cope. Ask people to pray for you. I will pray for you.

My son was 7 months old when I discovered I was pregnant again. I completely freaked. I was so unhappy. I wondered why me. My husband and I managed to do it all over again and seriously, I couldn’t love my sweet baby more. It was a blessing although it didn’t feel like that at the time.
 
The_Bucket said:
Your husband very likely is scared. After all, we men feel a responsibility to provide for our families in every way. Still being in school and potentially having two children is certainly a reason for him to be more than just apprehensive.

I understand his feeling to a certain degree.

**Suffice to say that life can be stressful, chaotic, insane and throw a million things at you that you think you can’t deal with. So my advice is take a breath. Then ask your husband to pray with you for the strength to deal with your present situation. Ask him to turn his stress over to God and provide a path to sanity, but realize that the path He might provide is not necessarily the one you two would take. **

**That’s all you can do really. Do your part with prayer and hard work and turn the rest over to God./**quote]

Very, very well said.

There are things that happen that we wish did not happen, but we realize we have to see them through. We realize that it will take effort and for a period of time that seems long. We are 13 years into such an unexpected effort.

But, it has been my experience that after that time period passes, I then realize that it was indeed a good thing. That I am pleased with the result of the path I would have preferred to avoid. We are there now with one grandchild and can see a good result is likely for the second one.

Then I realize that we did it reasonably well BECAUSE my wife and I constantly prayer for God’s Help. We do not expect Him to do it for us. We do ask for the strength to do what HE set before us.
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Praying for you, your husband and you family.

Congratulations by the way on bearing new life.👍
 
Sounds like an issue of trust in God. We must trust God to provide for us when we follow His will. The outcome may not be what we anticipated or planned, but as long as we follow His will to the best of our knowledge, the longterm outcome will be for the best!
 
These are the sorts of things that one encounters in marriage…it is normal, it is doable, and God is there with you. Turn the worry over to Him, do the best that you can do, and you will see that things are ok, and a blessing.

Congrats on the newest member of your family…years from now, you can tell him / her how God was there with ya’ll right from the moment you knew he /she would be coming into the world. 🙂
 
Ah, Irish twins. I want to reassure you that what you are feeling is 100% normal. Your kids will be about 14 months apart, I think. My DH is only 11 months older than his sister. I have a good friend who had babies 15 months apart. She freaked out at first, too, but now she says she decided it was good to have them so close. There are some pros to your situation, it’s not all cons. For one, you’re still in baby-mode so you won’t have to go throught that awful readjustment period. Make sure to take extra-good care of yourself, since your body hasn’t quite recovered yet. Nap when your baby naps, take your vitamins, that kind of thing. If you’re worried about the expense, there are lots of things you can do to cut costs. My DH is a farm hand and his is our only income, and I have found that it really isn’t all that much more expensive raising two babies instead of one (we also had two under two). If you want ideas or anything, PM me!
 
God is obviously at work in your relationship. Being open to life no matter what is one of the more important traits in a relationship… so be assured you are where God wants you to be. I would also suggest giving sexual intimacy a rest after, and being much carefuler by aiming only at the definietly dry periods. Today, you can thank the Lord for another child! Back in the day, families didn’t ever have any dispute about having a child, becaus they knew it was going to help the family… the more the merrier, the more hands the more work will get done. I’d start a garden… your little one right now will be able to take care of it and you can start to plan how the house will run… Oh how neat, I am so happy for you!! Teach your littlest one to sweep and to wash a dish… the simple stuff… and you can clean with your kid. Your kids will be very good role models in society and this is quite needed. Thank God for large families… basically half of my role models come from them… or more. So you are NOT lost, just so you know. Trust in Jesus, he will provide 🙂

Also, the normal stuff aside, the basics are important… make sure you eat simple and healthy, since you are having kids close together. Say No to sugar and white flour … you can use coconut palm sugar , maple syrup, and honey…if no cafe offers organic food in your area, start to cook… so worth it. The most important is your endocrine system, so eat raw veggies greens and carrots. Peas as well, the pituitary is a main gland that needs help today-- so if you want, i take supplements and pituitrophin by standard process is great. its just cow pituitary in supplement… i know its weird to take random supplements, but it will help to get your baby a good supply-- I don’t want to give too much information!!
 
If you have any kind of pro-life crisis pregnancy center in your area, such as Birthright, give them a call! I volunteer for one, and we give out diapers, (I do a cloth diaper program, but mostly they give disposables) baby clothes, maternity clothes, and have classes such as sewing, budgeting, cooking, parenting,and most important a real live person to listen to your fears, and help you plan. Everyone thinks of these centers as more for teeens, or unmarried moms, but in truth they exist to support anyone who is struggling – either financially, emotionally, or both, with bringing a new life into the world. We help a lot of married mamas, one with several children comes and gives talks to the others on practical stuff like how to make your own laundry detergent , dish soap, etc, for very cheap.

It sounds like your situation is actually pretty temporary – you can do this! And at the end of the rainbow, you will have two children close in age, who hopefully will play together, be close friends, and maybe help with other little ones that you are blessed with years down the line. Also, maybe there are some moms in your parish with two close together, that can give you advice on how they were able to make it work…

Congrats!
 
Breath, maybe cry a little, you only just found out you are pregnant, it is completely normal to freak out a little no matter what the circumstances you are in when it happens. I always feel a little sad and very scared the first few days or so after I find out.

I had 2 babies under 2 when I was in school. (They are 20 months apart) and I was so worried, about finances, about how close they were, about what others would think, about if I could love them both enough. etc. (Their little sister is only 18 months younger than her brother). Everything worked out, and yes my heart grew and I love them more than ever, finances worked out, (though I am not sure how:p), they play well together and I think will enjoy having a close sibling, and I discovered that what people think doesn’t matter so much. etc.

I will pray that you experience the Lords peace and loving arms around you during this time (especially early pregnancy). Congrats on your baby and growing family. :signofcross::hug1:
 
Hi, Gwendolen,

This entire page has been filled with excellent posts offering sound advice to the OP - but, I found yours the most practical.

From my experience, the arguments during the first 1-10 years of marriage can be divided into two major groups: 1) those involving money and 2) everything else! And, the best way to address money problems is to look at the way the couple handles the stuff. Books on establishing a family budget and then living within that budget have yet to make the NYTimes Best Seller List - but, it is so important for both parties to be getting a handle on money matters. Those who live within their budgest are the happiest.

So, to put this in context: pray like everything depends on God and work like everything depends on both of you! Seriously, both husband and wife need to set mutual budget goals - life is hard enough, so both ‘Better Halves’ need to work together on this issue.

God has blessed you both with a child - and now another one the way! Honest - this is really great news.

God bless
Gwendolen said:
If you have any kind of pro-life crisis pregnancy center in your area, such as Birthright, give them a call! I volunteer for one, and we give out diapers, (I do a cloth diaper program, but mostly they give disposables) baby clothes, maternity clothes, and have classes such as sewing, budgeting, cooking, parenting,and most important a real live person to listen to your fears, and help you plan. Everyone thinks of these centers as more for teeens, or unmarried moms, but in truth they exist to support anyone who is struggling – either financially, emotionally, or both, with bringing a new life into the world. We help a lot of married mamas, one with several children comes and gives talks to the others on practical stuff like how to make your own laundry detergent , dish soap, etc, for very cheap.

It sounds like your situation is actually pretty temporary – you can do this! And at the end of the rainbow, you will have two children close in age, who hopefully will play together, be close friends, and maybe help with other little ones that you are blessed with years down the line. Also, maybe there are some moms in your parish with two close together, that can give you advice on how they were able to make it work…

Congrats!
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I imagine your husband is feeling like he can’t handle it all right now and men thrive on being able to provide and protect their family. If you want to make him feel better, I would do everything you can to emphasize how he takes great care of you and how his support is what you need most right now.

You will get through this and as Gwendolyn said, this is a temporary problem. I’m certain one day you will both look back and say what a blessing this was.
 
Gwen (:D):

I can relate. We found out that I was pregnant with our second child when our first was just a little over a year old (with special needs), and my husband was preparing to pursue his doctorate, and I was finishing my Bachelor’s degree. It was nuts, and we were both terrified.
My first piece of advice: Don’t try to make him feel better. Don’t make yourself try to feel better. Let you and your spouse be afraid, but always keep in mind that you are both in the same boat. It’s SCARY being pregnant; don’t deny it, just go with it. Also brace yourselves, things are going to get tough.
That being said, prayer helps; abandonment to Divine Will is better. I do like the advice given about going to a pregnancy center. I visited them often as it took quite a bit of time to get health insurance. God willing, you will find loving support there.
Even if you don’t, you and your husband WILL get through this. Maybe a little worse for wear, but take comfort in the knowledge that you are doing God’s will just by being open to life. Prayers for your little family.
Cheers, blessings, and a little luck.
Gwen
 
For a while after as well practice NFP only in the absolutely infertile times, do you understand the charts or need a little help? Mercedes Aruz makes a great little book called Love and Fertility.

After that, remember back in the day… no one was upset at a pregnancy… they were happy there was another family member on the way to help the current family situation.> How are you incorporating your children into the family to HELP the current situation. When you think this way, you will feel better with God’s will and children He gives you— Teach your little ones to garden, wash dishes, tell the truth… talk to you about their day… pray!!

They used to help with farming, picking weeds, planting seeds…washing, cleaning, feeding the family~

I know a family of 9 or so, the eldest cooked for all them you know… she learned it by the fire in belize, where her family took from their own farm relief~~ she’s the best cook our store knows, with all her dishes we give her whoas!!
 
Thank you to all who have replied. I feel like I should update you. I just want you to know how blessed I feel to have people respond so quickly when I was feeling so confused. We are doing much better now that the shock has subsided and have been blessed by family and others with help. I know God has a special place for this little one and I am growing more in love with him/her everyday. My husband is also much more excited about the baby. I am due in March. Thank you for all the prayers!

-not so lost mom:)
 
lostmom said:
Thank you to all who have replied. I feel like I should update you. I just want you to know how blessed I feel to have people respond so quickly when I was feeling so confused. We are doing much better now that the shock has subsided and have been blessed by family and others with help. I know God has a special place for this little one and I am growing more in love with him/her everyday. My husband is also much more excited about the baby. I am due in March. Thank you for all the prayers!

-not so lost mom:)
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See, it really is that initial shock. Where we try to plan our entire future in those 5 minutes after finding out. That never goes over well. 😛 So excited for you and you family. Prayers are still coming your way.
 
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