I am selfish

[28562]

I am trying as hard as I can to change myself and my thought processes and feelings. I want and need to learn to source my happiness from simply being able to make other people happy. Sometimes I am good at this, sometimes I am struggle quite a bit with it. It would make my days so much easier if it made me happy just to know that I made someone else happy, rather than being disappointed, frustrated, and hurt when others don’t reciprocate. I think I am beginning to realize that in many ways, I am not as strong as I have always thought I was. I said the rosary last night before bed and I am praying this morning for patience and help and relief from the frustration and anxiety I am feeling, but I feel like it’s doing no good.

Any thoughts, prayers, advice, etc would be greatly appreciated…

 

[E_7]

O most loving Jesus, Pattern of charity, who makest all the commandments of the law to consist in love towards God and towards man, grant to us so to love Thee with all our heart, with all our mind, and all our soul, and our neighbor for Thy sake, that the grace of charity and brotherly love may dwell in us, and all envy, harshness, and ill-will may die in us; and fill our hearts with love, kindness, and compassion, so that by constantly rejoicing in the happiness and success of others, by sympathizing with them in their sorrows, and putting away all harsh judgments and envious thoughts, we may follow Thee, who art Thyself the true and perfect love. Amen.

O most meek Jesus, Prince of Peace, who, when Thou wast reviled, didst not revile, and on the Cross didst pray for Thy murderers: implant in our hearts the virtues of gentleness and patience, that, restraining the fierceness of anger, impatience, and resentment, we may overcome evil with good, for Thy sake love our enemies, and as children of our heavenly Father seek Thy peace and evermore rejoice in Thy love. Amen.

Just recited.

 

[E_7]

Little Litany of the Holy Family

Lord, have mercy on us.
Christ, have mercy on us.
Lord, have mercy on us.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,
Hear us.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,
Help 28562’s family.

That they may love poverty,
Holy Family, hear us.
That they may love humility,
Holy Family, hear us.
That they may love labor,
Holy Family, hear us.
That they may love order,
Holy Family, hear us.
That they may love quiet,
Holy Family, hear us.
That they may love kindness,
Holy Family, hear us.
That they may love charity,
Holy Family, hear us.
That they may love courtesy,
Holy Family, hear us.
That they may love peace,
Holy Family, hear us.

O Lord God Who on earth loved poverty and humility, teach us to live in our families in peace and quiet order and with charity to all. Amen.

Just recited.

 

[1inICXC]

I’ve been following your posts and i can tell you know what the right thing to do is but it’s hard to do it. i think MOST of us feel that way! St. John of the Ladder had 30 “steps” to get us to heaven, the first one is “renouncing the self”. How discouraging is it to know you have a heck of a struggle just with the first step!!

Since we are also young with 3 little ones we know how overhwelming it is to cope with life’s demands of you and it can be like a tug-o-war sometimes as life keeps demanding more and you feel like you NEED more.

Honestly, sometimes all you need is a break, someone to take over with the kids so that you can just relax a little and spend some 1on 1 time. But truly, over and over, the only thing that helps, is to embrace thisas a wonderful path to sanctification and try to do it all with love. When the devil tries to discourage and overwhelm you with thoughts about how hard it all is remind him and yourself how joyfully you chose this path to ETERNAL happiness and rest. Many times i get angry walking and rocking my 1yr old in the middle of the night but then I think what a beautiful sacrifice it is, and how much worse it would be to be single, in a sweat shop, Godless, sick, dying in the hospital, in a war situation etc. And truth be told if we didn’t have this hardship we’d have others, that’s what following Christ requires. I would certainly chose slaving for my babies over anything, at least their smiles and their hugs lift our spirits and regenrate us in seconds!

That’s the thought that keeps me going in tough times. And yes, I too know I am selfish and would love to GET much and GIVE little, but becoming selfless is a journey, a process, that never ends. Each pregnancy and each child does bring us a step or 2 closer however

“In the world you will have tribulation, but take courage, I have overcome the world” Jn 16:32

 

[Irishmom2]

I want and need to learn to source my happiness from simply being able to make other people happy. Sometimes I am good at this, sometimes I am struggle quite a bit with it. It would make my days so much easier if it made me happy just to know that I made someone else happy, rather than being disappointed, frustrated, and hurt when others don’t reciprocate.

You are looking for others to make you happy though, instead of it coming from yourself. It is all well and good to try and make others happy. But is it genuine? What I mean is, are you truly giving with no expectation of receiving something in return or is the “payoff” for you when someone reciprocates? That is not something you can expect. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t, and if you are not happy just giving, then maybe you are not making others happy to make them happy, but to make yourself happy. You are wanting them to reciprocate in order to “fix” how you feel.

I have given a dinner party every year for many years. People enjoy it, thank me and tell me they look forward to it. But not once has anyone reciprocated. If I expect that to happen, I will be as disappointed as you are. It isn’t about the reciprocating. I do it because I enjoy being around my friends and showing them how special they are by making a fuss over them.

Your thread title is that you are selfish. That is a start at looking inside yourself for the answers. I hope that you find them. May God bless you and guide you.

 

[28562]

You are looking for others to make you happy though, instead of it coming from yourself. It is all well and good to try and make others happy. But is it genuine? What I mean is, are you truly giving with no expectation of receiving something in return or is the “payoff” for you when someone reciprocates?

This is what I do okay with sometimes and not other times. Sometimes it *is *enough to make others happy. Other times, making others happy just isn’t enough. This is what I am struggling with. I am trying very hard to learn to die to myself *always *and be content with that.

I often question my motives myself. Am I really doing things with the right intentions? Am I disappointed because I expect reciprocation (subconciously) or because I simply hope for it? I feel as though expecting is wrong, but hoping is unavoidable. I am doing all I can (and I *think * I am doing a good job)to defeat the expectation side of things and maybe I just need to get better about not being disappointed when hopes don’t come to fruition?

And for anyone who may be wondering, this thread is NOT about sex, just life in general. I don’t want this thread to go that direction at all…

 

[cmscms]

. I want and need to learn to source my happiness from simply being able to make other people happy.

That will never happen and thus the reason you are always be disappointed

As followers of Christ, we are to get our happiness out of doing His will. NOT other’s reaction to us. Example, if you open the door for someone and they do not appreciate it, you should feel content that you did a good thing. You can not override their free will and choice to not appreciate it

CM

 

[28562]

I’ve been following your posts and i can tell you know what the right thing to do is but it’s hard to do it. i think MOST of us feel that way! St. John of the Ladder had 30 “steps” to get us to heaven, the first one is “renouncing the self”. How discouraging is it to know you have a heck of a struggle just with the first step!!

Since we are also young with 3 little ones we know how overhwelming it is to cope with life’s demands of you and it can be like a tug-o-war sometimes as life keeps demanding more and you feel like you NEED more.

Honestly, sometimes all you need is a break, someone to take over with the kids so that you can just relax a little and spend some 1on 1 time. But truly, over and over, the only thing that helps, is to embrace thisas a wonderful path to sanctification and try to do it all with love. When the devil tries to discourage and overwhelm you with thoughts about how hard it all is remind him and yourself how joyfully you chose this path to ETERNAL happiness and rest. Many times i get angry walking and rocking my 1yr old in the middle of the night but then I think what a beautiful sacrifice it is, and how much worse it would be to be single, in a sweat shop, Godless, sick, dying in the hospital, in a war situation etc. And truth be told if we didn’t have this hardship we’d have others, that’s what following Christ requires. I would certainly chose slaving for my babies over anything, at least their smiles and their hugs lift our spirits and regenrate us in seconds!

That’s the thought that keeps me going in tough times. And yes, I too know I am selfish and would love to GET much and GIVE little, but becoming selfless is a journey, a process, that never ends. Each pregnancy and each child does bring us a step or 2 closer however

“In the world you will have tribulation, but take courage, I have overcome the world” Jn 16:32

Thank you for the kind words. I know that a break would help me a lot. I have always needed ‘alone time’ to recharge and unwind. I would absolutely love to get up Saturday morning and take my boat out and go catch a few fish, and I know it would be a great help with my feelings. BUT I would feel like it is a selfish act by leaving my wife home alone and pregnant with the kids, just like I do every day of the week when I go to work. So, IMO, the right thing to do is to stay home, die to myself and serve the family. This is the kind of issue that I struggle with. Sometimes, I just want to beat my head against a wall.

 

[Irishmom2]

I know that a break would help me a lot. I have always needed ‘alone time’ to recharge and unwind. I would absolutely love to get up Saturday morning and take my boat out and go catch a few fish, and I know it would be a great help with my feelings. BUT I would feel like it is a selfish act by leaving my wife home alone and pregnant with the kids, just like I do every day of the week when I go to work. So, IMO, the right thing to do is to stay home, die to myself and serve the family. This is the kind of issue that I struggle with. Sometimes, I just want to beat my head against a wall.

It is difficult to be a parent and not lose yourself in the process. It is very easy to lose yourself, especially when your children are young. So I think it is important that we try not to do that. It may mean that if you want to have some alone time on your boat, you specifically need to say to your wife that you need to go out on the boat for two hours. But then, tell her when you return she is to do what ever she wants for two hours also.

My youngest is now 14 and I can say that I am just now beginning to find myself again. I wish I had figured out how to not lose myself in the process of being a parent, but I didn’t. So that is why I am telling you now to find the time.

It is only selfish if you are not allowing your wife to not lose herself either. It goes both ways. If you die to yourself, your family will only be living with a dead guy. Find a way to stay alive while being a good husband and parent. May God bless you and your family.

 

[28562]

**Thank you very much for the prayers, E7.

**

That will never happen and thus the reason you are always be disappointed

As followers of Christ, we are to get our happiness out of doing His will. NOT other’s reaction to us. Example, if you open the door for someone and they do not appreciate it, you should feel content that you did a good thing. You can not override their free will and choice to not appreciate it

CM

You have a great point and it is certainly something I will be thinking about today. It makes perfect sense and I wish that I could just accept the fact that it is right and everything would be great. But the *human *side of me knows that I will still struggle greatly.

 

[King_Lazy]

Thank you for the kind words. I know that a break would help me a lot. I have always needed ‘alone time’ to recharge and unwind. I would absolutely love to get up Saturday morning and take my boat out and go catch a few fish, and I know it would be a great help with my feelings. BUT I would feel like it is a selfish act by leaving my wife home alone and pregnant with the kids, just like I do every day of the week when I go to work. So, IMO, the right thing to do is to stay home, die to myself and serve the family. This is the kind of issue that I struggle with. Sometimes, I just want to beat my head against a wall.

You’re not being selfish by leaving your wife during the week and going to work. She is working at home and you are working outside of home. Both are necessary.

How about you and your wife organise some “alone” days for each other? You stay at home and look after the kids one Saturday while she gets a little break, she stays at home and looks after the kids another while you get a little break, and one Saturday (if possible) you get your parents to look after the kids for a day while you and your wife spend some time together?

Yes, your wife would have to sacrifice a little extra for you to go out fishing alone, but it would be a reciprocal sacrifice, because the next Saturday you would do the same for her. Maybe that would help you both to find it easier to stay sane and will make you both happier.

I understand that sometimes circumstances might not permit this to happen, but I think you should try because wanting to be alone and to rest a little is a legitimate need, and your wife might need the same thing, or conversely might have a different need of socialising outside of the home that isn’t being met, and so both your needs would be met, at least a little. I’m a guy, so I can totally relate to the need of being alone, but many women who may otherwise love being wives and mothers also feel trapped in the daily grind and need a break too, be it in the same form - being alone for a while - or in a different form - socialising.

 

[Hecares]

As the mother of 6 (now grown) I can understans your situation. Caring well for children requires a lot of self-sacrifice. I remember one time especially, shortly after my 6th was born, that I would have given anything for someone to take care of me just for a little while so that I could recharge.

I learned that you can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself. Make time for prayer, quiet time, hobbies, etc. Don’t get carried away, but some time is necessary. Mother Teresa required that her nuns spend an hour each day in front of the blessed sacrament to get the strength, grace, love they need to care for others. A good prayer life is not only important it is necessary. Only by time spent with Jesus can you find what you need to do what he asks of you.

It is also essential to keep your love for your spouse active. Many parents tuck their couple time away until the kids are grown. Guess what! If you do that you probably won’t have a “couple life” by then . You’ll be living with a stranger and not know how to begin to connect. Your spouse needs your caring love and consideration, maybe even occasional pampering, in order to hold up her part of the family responsibilities. She, on the other hand, needs to be aware of your needs and help you to feel loved and special too.

It sounds like a lot; but there is some truth in the saying,“Happy wife (or husband), happy life.” Your first responsibility is always to love and care for each other. And when you help others, you need to do it all for the love of Christ.

 

[28562]

How about you and your wife organise some “alone” days for each other? You stay at home and look after the kids one Saturday while she gets a little break, she stays at home and looks after the kids another while you get a little break, and one Saturday (if possible) you get your parents to look after the kids for a day while you and your wife spend some time together?

Two weeks ago I did that. I kept our kids and a friends’ kids so my wife and her could go out of town shopping. They thoroughly enjoyed themselves. I am sure it was a nice and well deserved break for my wife. It made me very happy to know that she had a great day because of it.

But I still feel guilty for wanting to take ‘me time’. I don’t want it to seem like it is a tit for tat thing. She always says she wouldn’t mind if I go off for a little while, but I can’t help but feel bad about it. As a man and a husband and father, I am supposed to sacrifice myself for my family. I am supposed to be third. I am trying to do the right thing, but it is very difficult and I guess I need more time to figure out how to deal with it all. I’m impatient too…so when things (like this) don’t come easy, I really struggle.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My friend, there is a little phrase from 12 Step programs that helps me with this. I used to have HUGE expectations of reciprocation for all my sacrifices for others. And when they did not reciprocate, I would build up resentments, which then poisoned my relationships.

In 12 Step groups, we are told to do things “for fun or for free.” That means, if you do something for another person, either do it because you enjoy it or because you want to, not because you want the other person to reciprocate. If you cannot do something without expectations of a return, then DON’T DO IT. Say “no.” Now, granted, it’s harder to do this within your family. But the way it has played out for me, is that if I do something, I have to acknowledge that the other person is IN NO WAY obligated to return my action. They are not even obligated to say “Thank you,” although I think that is the least they can do!

Because resentment is so very poisonous for me, and creates a very bitter spirit, I choose not to keep score any more. I do what I do for the love of God and for the love of that person, and if I catch myself trying to manipulate another person into caring for me, I say the phrase, “Do it for fun or for free,” and turn that character defect over to God to remove. My viewpoint of love, as I grew up, was transactional. You do this for me, I’ll do that for you. If I do this for you, you should do that for me. Well all I have to do is look up at the cross, and realize that model of love is so selfish and puny compared to Jesus’ sacrifice for me. He not only didn’t demand that I do anything to deserve his sacrifice, he took on the WORLD’S sin, for nothing, just out of love. The closer I draw to Jesus, the more I let go of my ledger of deposits and withdrawals, credits and debits, assets and liabilities.

Take care of yourself, my friend. You can’t take care of others unless you put your oxygen mask on first.

 

[King_Lazy]

But I still feel guilty for wanting to take ‘me time’. I don’t want it to seem like it is a tit for tat thing. She always says she wouldn’t mind if I go off for a little while, but I can’t help but feel bad about it. As a man and a husband and father, I am supposed to sacrifice myself for my family. I am supposed to be third. I am trying to do the right thing, but it is very difficult and I guess I need more time to figure out how to deal with it all. I’m impatient too…so when things (like this) don’t come easy, I really struggle.

You are doing your bit. You work. You are looking after your wife and your family. You are sacrificing yourself. But you, as a man, have legitimate needs, physical and psychological. You need to eat, you need to sleep, you need to breathe. None of these are sinful. And neither is your psychological need to have some time to yourself. It is like the psychological equivalent of the physical rest that is sleep - a very powerful need to regenerate psychologically (as opposed to physically).

It is a need that all people have to a lesser or greater extent, and men in particular tend to have this need in greater measure than women, and you need to feel about as guilty about this very natural need as you feel about your needs to eat and sleep.

Just as you need to eat, sleep and breathe to be the self-sacrificing husband that you try so hard to be, so too you need some psychological rest. And just like physical rest helps you be at your physical best when you are awake, psychological rest helps you be at your psychological best when you’re with others. It gives you strength, greater resilience to the difficulties you face, and a greater ability to face them patiently. It helps you think and react rationally. And that is precisely what your family needs.

I have nothing but praise for your attitude, and you seem like a really amazing guy. I do think you need to give yourself some credit and appreciate yourself a little more. You need to maintain your physical and psychological health so that you can always be a great husband and father to your family.

You are an awesome guy. God bless you.

 

[Lacour]

I would really recommend you discuss With your wife getting a few hours a week to yourself. My husband was feeling the same way AND was getting on my last nerve because he got so cranky. I knew he needed time to decompress but he never wanted to take it. I finally had to start “leaving him” for 2-3 hours every weekend while a game was on just so that he would take some alone time.

You might be surprised to learn that she wants you to take some time for yourself. Of course you should reciprocate, but don’t think it has to be in exactly the same way. I happily trade my husband’s Saturday hours for knowing that I get at least a few showers a week without an audience.

 

[1inICXC]

Two weeks ago I did that. I kept our kids and a friends’ kids so my wife and her could go out of town shopping. They thoroughly enjoyed themselves. I am sure it was a nice and well deserved break for my wife. It made me very happy to know that she had a great day because of it.

But I still feel guilty for wanting to take ‘me time’. I don’t want it to seem like it is a tit for tat thing. She always says she wouldn’t mind if I go off for a little while, but I can’t help but feel bad about it. As a man and a husband and father, I am supposed to sacrifice myself for my family. I am supposed to be third. I am trying to do the right thing, but it is very difficult and I guess I need more time to figure out how to deal with it all. I’m impatient too…so when things (like this) don’t come easy, I really struggle.

Both DH and I walked miles in these same shoes. We’ve planned 'alone time" for a long time now but not one of us took it because we feel selfish telling the other, handle the kids, I’m going to relax. It simply seems like there is never a good day to do that. Either someone is sick, or there’s an extra thing on our p,ate or goodness knows. However, now that my husband has been gone for 10 days and I had some time to think about things I’m realizing how important this is and I am putting it as a priority. We will have half a day off ever other weekend, even if I have to literally kick him out of the house. No one died because they were left alone for a few hours with 3 children and you can come back totally renergized and refreshed after such an experience. I am now convinced it is necessary and that it is not being selfish, it is actually a service to everyone. It would be selfish if you decided to take 2 hours off every evening on the other hand, taking turns, every other weekend is perfectly acceptable. Make it once a month, just establish it and consider it your duty, it will help.

I don’t know of a sure recipe to cure selfishness, if I did, I would be a self-proclaimed saint, but I can certainly tell you are on the right path and with enough effort to stop keeping score, you’ll get there.

 

[SurlyMermaid]

I’ll also pray for you.

This thread is a blessing to me and thank you for posting it! :hug1:

 

[faithfully]

You are only selfish if you do like my friends dad:

They were on a family vacation. During the drive down a road near a river in 95 degree weather he decided he wanted to go fishing. The family was to either stay in the car, or right by it. They were not to go anywhere near the water, and scare the fish away. For over 2 hours!

Selfishness is when you insist that everyone give up everything all the time so you can have fun. It’s when you think you are a babysitter, and not a father spending time with his children.

Bascially don’t stand infront of a starving person eating a sandwhich and complain about how it isn’t your choice and you don’t like it.