I am struggling with gossiping in my parish

[PaulDT]

Greetings. Lately, as I have been investing myself more and more in my parish, by the grace of God, I am getting more acquainted with fellow parishioners. However there is one particular friend who I have a lot of affection for and see almost daily, because he teaches me how to serve mass (with great care and reverence). But he has a particular struggle with gossiping and he often badmouths others a lot, especially when we’re alone.

I never take pleasure (I hope) in hearing the gossip, and I never allow it to make me uncharitable towards the people whose reputation has been damaged. but because I’m socially awkward and pretty laid back, I rarely make a move to tell him to stop and when I do, I’m not insistant enough. But now, I realize that I am walking on the edge of mortal sin by listening anyway. Especially yesterday, this friend invited me to eat after mass and I couldn’t really refuse a few drinks, so I was less careful about not allowing what I heard to influence my opinion of our friends.

I have two questions, one general and one particular. I realize that it’s better to bring this to my spiritual director, but I can’t see him more than a few times every month.

• How do you learn to cut short with gossiping from people that you’re afraid to antagonize? Are you mortally sinning if you don’t learn to?
• This friend has gossiped to me pretty badly about our parish priest. Is it okay if I purposefully confess to another priest to avoid creating scandal between my friend and the priest? Or is my confession sufficient if I confess to this priest without going in the details of the sin?

 

[Irishmom2]

You can stop the gossip by not responding. Change the subject in an obvious way. Or come right out and say “gossip makes me uncomfortable. Let’s not talk about Fr. like that, okay?”

You do not need to go into detail and say “I was gossiping about you Fr. with Mr. Friend.” To say you were gossiping is enough for your confession.

 

[FrancisFan43]

You should consult your priest and ask him

 

[St.Bede]

A piece of advice: If he can do it to others, he can also do the same thing to you behind your back. You’re no exception.

Sorry to disappoint you, but that’s the fact. Wake up and smell the coffee!

Keep distance with this person in a civilized way, yet at the same time, pray for him, and continue to live a peaceful life (without him).

I’ll be praying for you. God bless!

 

[TheLittleLady]

“I do not care to hear gossip, let’s change the subject”.

Take it to Confession and determine you will not do it anymore.

 

[St.Bede]

Another friendly reminder, if I may…

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Shalom, my brother!

 

[TheLittleLady]

Before we call the unknown parishioner “wicked”, perhaps advise our OP to define what is being said:

“Fr Joe likes to have the large candelabra, Fr Steve only wants the simple candlesticks” or “Fr Joe expects to have the red wine, Fr Steve does not care if it is red or white” even “Fr Joe is always going to come in just before Mass and you will worry he is going to be late!” these are not gossip, they are just things that will help you in being a Sacristan.

 

[Lou2U]

If you really feel uncomfortable telling him to stop, simply change the subject. “Well, I don’t want to talk about Fr (or whoever). What did you think of the game last night?” or something along those lines. If you keep shutting him down whenever he tries to start, he’ll soon get the message.

 

[St.Bede]

Once I encountered the same thing. A friend approached me and ask if I want to hear some juicy news; I told him “Only if it concerns you. Otherwise, I don’t think I’ll be interested in hearing it.” Believe it or not, he freaked out and immediately stormed off. A very effective way to stop a rumour monger from spreading gossips.

Try it next time. GOD bless !

 

[blackforest]

How do you learn to cut short with gossiping from people that you’re afraid to antagonize?

Jumping in - I haven’t read the replies.

Stay as neutral as possible. Do NOT dig for more information, and do NOT take sides. Stick with replies like:

“Oh I’m so sorry to hear that. It must be hard working with her when you two don’t get along.”

Or in the case of your parish priest:

“Oh wow! I don’t think Father would want me to know that, but I’ll be sure to pray for him.” Or . . .

“That sounds like a sticky situation. I’ll pray that you and Father can resolve this conflict peacefully.”

And yea, keep pressing for a topic change. “I’d rather discuss something more pleasant. How’s your remodeling project coming along?”

Are you mortally sinning if you don’t learn to?

Good heavens, no! God knows you’re trying. We know you’re trying because you’re posting here. You’re trying to learn new skills and tools for handling conflict. I strongly doubt that failure to master this art in a timely manner is a mortal sin.

Finally, heed the old Spanish proverb: Whoever gossips to you gossips about you. I don’t trust gossips, and neither should you. Do you have to see this friend, such as in a parish committee or work situation? If not, consider creating more distance between the two of you. This sounds like an unhealthy friendship.

 

[PaulDT]

Sorry for the late reply, I really appreciate your advice. Part of what @thelittlelady has said is true and in fact, mostly true.

My friend is very practical and always says what he really thinks, especially when something troubles him. It’s just part of his personality. I know that doesn’t excuse his badmouthing others but he jumps from one to the next without me being ready and willing to react as I should.

For example, he or another parishioner sometimes goes “by the way, do you know what such and such did…” or “I really shouldn’t tell you this, but…” and everytime now, I am actually able to say “yeah, please don’t tell me” but never harshly enough to get my point across.

I don’t know how to speak my mind because these people don’t really know me, they don’t realize how much I take my faith to heart and I’m not comfortable enough to tell them to their face. So I just listen while wishing desperately that they would stop gossiping.

Last year I withheld a sin for weeks because former colleagues wanted me to keep taking them to urbex and I never had the courage to tell them that I couldn’t simply because it’s illegal and I’m not ok with breaking the law anymore, so I did nothing until they just stopped asking.

I can deal with lust, sloth, all sorts of vices. I can confront my sinning self with Christ, but what causes me to fall the most is being too afraid to confront others with Christ. (I hope that doesn’t sound pelagian)

It doesn’t help that this friend is there every single day (he’s not the sacristan, but he basically is), and I hold so dearly to this parish that I don’t want to antagonize anyone here.

 

[Frankie65]

How do you learn to cut short with gossiping from people that you’re afraid to antagonize? Are you mortally sinning if you don’t learn to?

When it was a friend clearly upset about something someone else had done I would say “oh dear” quite a bit to let her know I sympathised but then changed the conversation and deliberately did not contribute to complaining about the person (I was not always like this …)

Re a general witchy comment about someone I might try to find something good to say about them instead but not too obviously in case it looked too deliberate…delicate balance
…seemed to work though…

 

[PetraG]

I had a relative about whom it was said that the worst thing you could say about anybody was that you asked her about them and she had nothing to say. If she had nothing good to say about you, you had to be a real piece of work, and then she still wouldn’t say anything bad! I wish I could be like her!!

This is what I think is the best way to deal with gossip: Talk exactly as you would if you knew the person being talked about were around the corner and listening in. If you always imagine that you can be overheard by the people you’re talking about, the people who actually can hear you will know that you are the same behind people’s backs as you are to their faces. They’ll know they can trust you to have their backs, no matter what other people say about them, that you’ll say things like, “Have you talked to him about this?” and “Well, I have said things in my life that I don’t mean and done things I wish I hadn’t. I think we all have” and “I think he’s the only one who can answer the issue you have with him” or “well, if you’ve talked to him and nothing works, maybe you can find someone to help you work things out with him” and so on.

It’s the same as only writing texts and e-mails that you could afford to have fall into anyone’s hands. If you do that, you won’t have to fear the light of day falling on what you say and do.