I am the crazy one

  • Thread starter Thread starter Mama6
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

Mama6

Guest
Hello - this is my first post, but I have been looking for help on here and looking over the threads about problems with mohter-in-laws etc and just realized I AM THE MOTHER!! I am so sad at this realization. My situation is a little different though. My daughter is 19, she found her self preg and I forgave her and she ended up marrying after the baby, less than 6 weeks after he was born. Then less than 3 mths into her marrage I found out she was cheating (not physically) on her new husband. (Who is trying to make the marrage work - he really loves my daughter and grandson). Then his parents get involved and say terrible things to my daughter, but I hate to admit that a lot of them were true, but tried to up hold her as much as I could. To her however, I let her know in no uncertain terms that her choices were wrong. When she feared losing everthing close to her, she stopped and seemed to shake out of it. I got really upset and even quit talking to her for a few days over this whole ordeal. Then everything was going good, except that she is very moody and self centered. Her and I fight quite a lot because she likes to ride around with friends, smoke and now found out that she has gotten a tattoo. She barely makes it to work if at all. Although both she and her husband are not that responsible in that arena. I have tried talking to them about this and explaining that they need to be more responsible but when they have a little money in their pocket it seems like they think they are ok. I have not been helping them financially, but they do have a house and we (her family) have been trying to help them renovate so they could move in. Just last week they got into it and it wasn’t a few days and her and her husband have split up. I am beside myself. I said some very ugly things to her because I knew it had to do with the attentions of another person (man). I daughter is extremely attractive but seems that is all she thinks she has going for her. I believe she loves my grandson but doesn’t really want the responsiblity of him, but when her husband has threatend to take him after this last deal, she cried and said she would die first. I love my daughter but I know that I have not shown her that, but I am so disappointed and I really don’t know what to do. I wrote her a letter so my emotions wouldn’t get in the way of letting her know I don’t of approve of these choices she is making but now I see that this letter is probably pretty harsh as well. Now she thinks I hate her and the whole family is very disappointed in her as well. What can I do to show her I love her without her thinking that I am okay with her choices? I don’t think there is hope for her marriage, but I want to save my realationship with my daughter.
 
Your NOT CRAZY!

In fact from what you posted I believe you are doing the best you can do. I don’t think that you should entertain your daughter’s bad behavior, although you can still love her!

She is young, immature, selfish and naive! Chances are she will grow up and mature. Although, there are many who don’t (I personally believe those are the ones who’s family supported their bad behavior).

Yes she is mad at you, I am sure it is not the first time nor will it be the last time. You just need to stay strong, pray for her, love her and pray more.

If you believe that she is suffering from mental illnesses, help her seek treatment for them. If you believe she is just being a selfish brat, tell her, then tell her you love her although you will not tolerate that behavior!!!

WELCOME to CAF!!! 👋
 
Oh my gosh, thank you so much, I was bracing myself for you an answer. I do believe I went a little overboard with the harsh words, but I think I will talk to her and then stand strong on not supporting her bad behavior. I don’t think that she has mental problems exactly, I just think she is all you said, immature, and selfish. I believe I have been very controlling in her life - her husband said he thinks I am her conscious - and she is disappointing me because I expected her to be something that she is not turning out to be. I guess I need to let her figure that out now and I really appreciate the outside viewpoint.
 
You might have been a little harsh with your words, I would like to meet the parent of any teenager that hasn’t been at one time or another. Someday she will learn what it is like to parent a teenager, then you get to sit back and SMILE!!! She will have her fits, and won’t talk to you for long periods of time. There are still ways you can let her know she is still loved even though you are not willing to put up with her bad behaviors.

Are you still married to her father? What are his thoughts? Honestly between my parents my dad was able to bring me to reality easier and quicker than anyone. Don’t get me wrong I LOVED my mom, but gosh sometimes we were just like oil and water!!! I can’t even begin to tell you how horrible I was to my step mom 😊
 
;)Yes her father and I are still married - 21 years to be exact, and yes he did let her know he wasn’t happy with her choices either. You have been so helpful and I appreciate it. I guess I need to let this set for a few days to cool off and then start the healing process. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

I hope you get what you are praying for and I will also pray for you.🙂
 
How were your words too harsh. Did you say them to be hurtful?

If you didn’t then I don’t think they could have been too harsh. The truth is sometimes harsh but it must always be put out on the table. You told her how you feel about the situation so you’ve done your job as a parent.

If she doesn’t want to straighten up then it’s all on her. She will have to pay the consequences for her actions. All you can do is be there for moral support. You don’t have to tell her what to do, just tell her “DO THE RIGHT THING”, she probably knows what that is already.

So give her a hug, tell her you love her, and pray.
 
Mama6 said:
Hello - this is my first post, but I have been looking for help on here and looking over the threads about problems with mohter-in-laws etc and just realized I AM THE MOTHER!! I am so sad at this realization. My situation is a little different though. My daughter is 19, she found her self preg and I forgave her and she ended up marrying after the baby, less than 6 weeks after he was born. Then less than 3 mths into her marrage I found out she was cheating (not physically) on her new husband. (Who is trying to make the marrage work - he really loves my daughter and grandson). Then his parents get involved and say terrible things to my daughter, but I hate to admit that a lot of them were true, but tried to up hold her as much as I could. To her however, I let her know in no uncertain terms that her choices were wrong. When she feared losing everthing close to her, she stopped and seemed to shake out of it. I got really upset and even quit talking to her for a few days over this whole ordeal. Then everything was going good, except that she is very moody and self centered. Her and I fight quite a lot because she likes to ride around with friends, smoke and now found out that she has gotten a tattoo. She barely makes it to work if at all. Although both she and her husband are not that responsible in that arena. I have tried talking to them about this and explaining that they need to be more responsible but when they have a little money in their pocket it seems like they think they are ok. I have not been helping them financially, but they do have a house and we (her family) have been trying to help them renovate so they could move in. Just last week they got into it and it wasn’t a few days and her and her husband have split up. I am beside myself. I said some very ugly things to her because I knew it had to do with the attentions of another person (man). I daughter is extremely attractive but seems that is all she thinks she has going for her. I believe she loves my grandson but doesn’t really want the responsiblity of him, but when her husband has threatend to take him after this last deal, she cried and said she would die first. I love my daughter but I know that I have not shown her that, but I am so disappointed and I really don’t know what to do. I wrote her a letter so my emotions wouldn’t get in the way of letting her know I don’t of approve of these choices she is making but now I see that this letter is probably pretty harsh as well. Now she thinks I hate her and the whole family is very disappointed in her as well. What can I do to show her I love her without her thinking that I am okay with her choices? I don’t think there is hope for her marriage, but I want to save my realationship with my daughter.
Click to expand...
Well, The Good Lord know that we all make mistakes, but it sounds to me like your daughter is making one big mistake after another.

First, she didn’t “find herself preg”. she made a decision-damn the consequences-based completely on her own self gratification, and I am sorry to say, based on your post, this appears to be on going trend in her life. So far as I can tell the only “good” decision that she has made is to not have an abortion.

I know that she is your child, and that you will always love her dearly. But, if you, or somebody, does not take a stand against this selfish behavior it will not stop. She will continue to use her good looks and her spoiled brat behavior to get whatever she wants without any thought for who she may be hurting–even her own child, (whom I fear she views more as a burden then a blessing).

I would make it very clear to her that unless she grows up and accepts the complete and total responsibility for all of her bad decisions that you are going to have to cut her out of your life. Furthermore, I would side with the father of the child and take legal action to have the baby taken away from her, I have no doubt that she is at this time a very unfit mother.

This may seem harsh, but I fear that this type of selfish behavior is not new to your daughter, and by not taking a stand in the past and by giving in to her, you have helped to nurture her behavior. It is going to take very tough love to break her of this cycle of selfish behavior.

I will pray for you all, especially for the baby.

May God Bless You!

NOT JUST STRONG…CATHOLIC STRONG
 
I am praying for you OP! And your daughter and grandbaby.

I will say that I’m not sure taking the baby away is a good idea. Then she will be free of both the burden or him and any blessings that loving him and caring for him will give her.

Does she have a job now? Hopefully she has one or can get one, because she will need to pay the bills on her house (electric, etc.) I would also encourage her husband to stick by her. Can you help them to get counseling for their marriage? And also maybe some job/career counseling. I know that many aid groups also offer ‘life’ classes for young mothers that help them learn those things like paying bills on time, nutrition, and coping skills, that most of us figure out by osmosis.

I really don’t think your daughter has mental issues, but she certainly is spoiled and taking advantage of it. Go ahead and be tough with her, but make sure you also always tell her you love her (and her baby). Pray to St Monica who is the patron saint of mothers!
 
You’re not crazy. Though teenage daughters can push you pretty darn close. 😉

How old is the baby now? Is there any chance she’s suffering from post partum depression and acting out and “self medicating” to deal with it? Let’s face it… she lost her teen years. She had to go through the horrible reevaluation that advanced pregnancy brings to your self image. Then she has a baby. Hormones… New husband where she may not have been ready for that commitment… in short, she’s had adulthood shoved into her lap whether she was ready or not.

The question… can she grow into the role with a little time and patience?

I would suggest that you stay very close with the father. Even if they live apart… invite him over. Keep a relationship with your grandchild and him. Because HE will be the person you will have to go through to see your grandchild someday if your daughter persists in her behavior.

But before it gets to that point, maybe you can take her for a post-partum checkup… have her hormone and T-3 levels checked. Make sure there aren’t biochemical issues going on.

Let her know you love her, but now it’s time for her to love her baby the same way.

Good luck. Keep praying. And be nice to the baby’s father. Discuss these issues. Suggest counselling. Maybe a parenthood class for them to attend together.
 
I would like to thank all of you for your support on this issue, it has REALLY been helpful. I have been standing strong and now I am ready to tell her I do love her and will be there to support her because she is my daughter, but I will not let her get by with selfish immoral behavior any longer. Thanks again everyone! I don’t want to control her, now I will pray and hope that God’s will will shine in her heart and mind. I have talked with the parish priest and I believe he is also going to talk to her.🙂 I am feeling better about the situation already!!
 
Good day Mama6 and welcome to CAF!!! First allow me to tell you that I was a rebellious teen as well, but my family history is a bit complicated…Still doesn’t justify my bad behavior…As soon as I was 18 and graduated married my hs sweetheart, big mistake…but anyhow…My parents never accepted him and made things fall apart even faster…They never respected us as a couple let alone me as myself so lots of family conflicts…

I couldn’t do the things I loved because they had such high expectations for their brilliant daughter and pushed things way over the edge on me. I was the responsible one, raised siblings while both parents worked etc I didn’t have an easy child hood, but I don’t regret it at all…Through it all kept my innocence and enjoyed my childhood as much as possible. Yes led me to grow up faster but it was worth it, have 3 children and GOD has blessed me dearly!

I must tell you though that because I could never be myself always had to be whom they wanted me to be I rebelled and was a terrible daughter. They didn’t accept my lifestyle so I moved out…got married etc etc…Soon I was asking for forgiveness, even if they didn’t ask for it, I didn’t care, I love my parents and even though they still make my life really difficult and very stressful I still keep in contact with them as much as possible and try to kit.

Just be patient with her and pray. Let her deal with her own problems, believe me she will come around soon. Let GOD guide her and let GOD show her the right way because if you continue to be helping her she will continue taking advantage of the situation and not change at all. Now it’s not about her it’s about her child, and her husband…She shouldn’t have married then if she wasn’t going to take things seriously. Give her advice and be there for her as a friend not just a parent. I didn’t have that…I had parents and only my father was a friend when I was doing what he wanted me to do… Other than that I am still the disappointment of the family and the worst child they ever had…lol

And the only thing I did was to marry and move out! LOL If I would have cheated, done drugs or anything else I would probably be disowned as a family member!! LOL

GOD bless, keep your head up and pray, let GOD be your comfort and guide. You are in our prayers…AND I hope you can help with the baby at least you know once in a while stop by to make sure baby is ok…Not for her but for the baby…Have a wonderful day!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top