I am the mistress to a married Catholic man, did I doom him to Hell forever?

[EasterJoy]

…and if he doesn’t?

What is stopping him from moving on to another woman, if he hasn’t found another already, and engaging in an intimate relationship with someone else?..

What makes you think that a call from some woman who claims that she’s had an intimate relationship is going to* keep him* from doing anything? That is one of the people in the world you know a wife can’t trust, because either she’s been cheating with your husband or she’s lying about him, and you can’t know which. You cannot know her motive for calling you, either.

People who butt into other people’s marriages save far fewer of them than they take credit for. The OP didn’t make this guy the way he is, if she did she can’t fix him, and in any event she can’t control him. Just because you made a problem worse doesn’t mean you are the best person to address it. She needs to walk away and let his wife handle this. She’s on a sinking ship with a lying rat. Every day she sticks around only makes it sink faster. Time to get off.

If a man were to tell me he was having an affair with my wife I would shake his hand and thank him for doing me a favor. I don’t care who I heard it from. I would want to know.

So she should leave the dirt work to someone else? It isn’t as if they have to sit down for a heart to heart. All she has to do is tell the wife anonymously and be done with it.

You would trust that he’s telling the truth? It would not occur to you that this is a lie? Wow.

Why would you trust the word of some anonymous caller or some total stranger? Are you so naïve that you think that this kind of call only comes from an honest person with the best of intentions?

Perhaps you have never gotten a call like this. I have. It was a total lie. I knew that because the caller was making a prank call and didn’t know that my husband hadn’t been in our town for three months. So what if the person calling you was some sociopath who was just trying to ruin your life or your spouse’s?

 

[EasterJoy]

…I have a hard time believing that any woman would make an attempt to lie to a wife and break up a marriage because she wanted the husband…who was nothing but faithful and loyal within the marriage and never dreamed about going outside of his vows.

Don’t know a lot of narcissists or sociopaths, I guess. That makes you a lucky person. There are more of them out there than you think.

 

[MJJean]

The title says he is married. How is he not? Has there been an annulment or such?

He’s a catholic who married in a civil ceremony. Lack of Form. Marriage not presumed valid for religious reasons. But he is legally married, at least.

Most ridiculous/ funniest post I have ever read on here! Ever.



Man, I want to know what it would be like in that head of yours! Just for a weekend!

A very wise man once told me it is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.

I would appreciate the honesty of anyone that decided to tell me my wife was unfaithful rather than let me be duped.

I get where Burt is coming from. I literally told my ex-husbands last mistress that she was welcome to him because I certainly didn’t want him! Take my husband, please! No, really!

I belong to another forum that has a section for “The other man/woman” and a section for betrayed spouses who are either trying to reconcile or who are trying to navigate divorce.

One of the women on that forum was virgin when she married. Her husband was a lying, cheating, rat. He brought home a strain of HPV that causes cancer. Thankfully, the wife had found out about his affairs from an upset mistress who didn’t know he was married and the wife went in to be tested. She was being monitored when the cancer developed. She’s had a couple of surgeries and is believed to be cancer free now. However, her cervix has been damaged during the cancer removal surgeries and she can not have any more children.

Men, of course, are simply carriers and suffer no physical consequences of HPV while women do, depending on the type. The wife has been on the forum looking for support for a couple years now and is trying to reconcile, but obviously she is dealing with issues related to her cancer and his lack of concern for her health at the time of his affairs. I feel so bad for her.

For the above alone I think every mistress should snitch to the wife. At least give her a chance to be screened for STD’s. Even if the current mistress is clean that doesn’t mean the next one will be clean, too.

I know if my DH were cheating I would want to know and I’d appreciate the honesty of anyone who told me. I’d look for evidence to verify before confronting him.

If he admitted it, felt remorse, and wanted to work on the marriage I might do that. But if he felt no remorse, made excuses, etc. I think I’d pack up and send his belongings to his mistress with my compliments and best wishes.

 

[EasterJoy]

…Men, of course, are simply carriers and suffer no physical consequences of HPV while women do, depending on the type. The wife has been on the forum looking for support for a couple years now and is trying to reconcile, but obviously she is dealing with issues related to her cancer and his lack of concern for her health at the time of his affairs. I feel so bad for her…

It is not true that men do not get cancer from HPV. These cancers are far less common, particularly among heterosexual men, but they do develop sometimes. The last I checked, however, there is no STD test for HPV in men. The virus can remain latent without symptoms for years. Anyone who has been sexually active outside of marriage or with someone who has ever been sexually active outside of marriage (including orally), can be a carrier without knowing it.

There was a time when people saw no reason to give HPV vaccines to boys, since as you point out women are in greater danger if they get infected, but those who are vaccinated are less likely to contract and therefore less likely to pass on the disease. As you have sadly found, you cannot know what your spouse has been up to, whether before marriage or after.

For the above alone I think every mistress should snitch to the wife. At least give her a chance to be screened for STD’s. Even if the current mistress is clean that doesn’t mean the next one will be clean, too.

I know if my DH were cheating I would want to know and I’d appreciate the honesty of anyone who told me. I’d look for evidence to verify before confronting him.

If he admitted it, felt remorse, and wanted to work on the marriage I might do that. But if he felt no remorse, made excuses, etc. I think I’d pack up and send his belongings to his mistress with my compliments and best wishes.

Well, what every mistress should do is to not be a mistress. When it comes to saying that some fate is something you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy, I’d include “winning” the cheating husband. A mistress who marries her lover has just created a job opening.

The main thing is that the OP should get away from this man. He is a tar pit. Every illicit affair is a tar pit. If she were to call the man’s wife, she would not be committing an offense. I would suggest she get pastoral counselling on the matter. You are right–a priest or Catholic counselor might tell her to disclose the affair to the wife. The OP should certainly tell the husband that she is serious about breaking this off and if he makes any effort to contact her whatsoever, she will contact the wife. This will serve the main objective, which is to stop this “dallying around” immediately. (They aren’t engaging in intercourse; what they are doing in terms of STD transmission isn’t entirely clear.)

 

[MJJean]

It is not true that men do not get cancer from HPV. These cancers are far less common, particularly among heterosexual men, but they do develop sometimes. The last I checked, however, there is no STD test for HPV in men. snip

There was a time when people saw no reason to give HPV vaccines to boys snip

Well, what every mistress should do is to not be a mistress. snip

The main thing is that the OP should get away from this man. He is a tar pit. Every illicit affair is a tar pit. If she were to call the man’s wife, she would not be committing an offense. I would suggest she get pastoral counselling on the matter. You are right–a priest or Catholic counselor might tell her to disclose the affair to the wife. The OP should certainly tell the husband that she is serious about breaking this off and if he makes any effort to contact her whatsoever, she will contact the wife. This will serve the main objective, which is to stop this “dallying around” immediately. (They aren’t engaging in intercourse; what they are doing in terms of STD transmission isn’t entirely clear.)

I was just in for my kids physicals a couple months ago. Both my son and my daughters have had the HPV vaccine. As of my chat with the nurse practitioner (I asked her to explain the dangers of sex to my kids because I have, but we all know mom is crazy) and she pointed out to both of them that there is still no HPV test for males. So, yeah, your knowledge is current there.

I agree that mistresses should not be mistresses, but there are those that are easily manipulated, who don’t understand what the big deal is, and those that find out a ways into a relationship their partner is married. I think my blanket advice has been to end the affiar, no contact AT ALL, and tell the wife. Let her decide with full knowledge and consent if she wants to work it out or walk away. Let the wayward husband deal with the actual consequences of his actions.

I should link the forum I’m on. I was reading the “Other man/woman” section to get an idea of how those who are involved with married people think. A lot of the postings are from people who have ended their affairs or who want to end their affairs and need the emotional support to maintain no contact. It’s pretty common for others posting to advise telling the wife/husband. It’s almost equally advised to threaten to tell the betrayed spouse if the wayward spouse tries to keep the affair going or to maintain any kind of contact.

One of the saddest posts I have read was a woman who had been involved with her married man for…get this…18 years! She was 16 when the emotional affair began. He married and in his mid 20’s. The mistress was elated because her lover came to see her for a few minutes on Christmas and that he spent part of New Years with her this year because it was the first time she wasn’t totally alone for the holidays. She said her lover came to her house for his birthday and that his wife showed up, called him from the parking lot, and he went out to talk with her. Apparently, she was upset he wasn’t at home on his special day. The mistress now wants to arrange a meeting with the wife so she can come to some kind of husband custody arrangement, for lack of a better way to describe it.

I can’t wrap my head around wasting 18 YEARS of my life on a man that belongs to someone else. I hope she ends the affair, finds a nice man, and has a few babies before her biological clock alarm goes off and she has reached the end of her fertility.

 

[EasterJoy]

I was just in for my kids physicals a couple months ago. Both my son and my daughters have had the HPV vaccine. As of my chat with the nurse practitioner (I asked her to explain the dangers of sex to my kids because I have, but we all know mom is crazy) and she pointed out to both of them that there is still no HPV test for males. So, yeah, your knowledge is current there.

I agree that mistresses should not be mistresses, but there are those that are easily manipulated, who don’t understand what the big deal is, and those that find out a ways into a relationship their partner is married. I think my blanket advice has been to end the affiar, no contact AT ALL, and tell the wife. Let her decide with full knowledge and consent if she wants to work it out or walk away. Let the wayward husband deal with the actual consequences of his actions.

I should link the forum I’m on. I was reading the “Other man/woman” section to get an idea of how those who are involved with married people think. A lot of the postings are from people who have ended their affairs or who want to end their affairs and need the emotional support to maintain no contact. It’s pretty common for others posting to advise telling the wife/husband. It’s almost equally advised to threaten to tell the betrayed spouse if the wayward spouse tries to keep the affair going or to maintain any kind of contact.

One of the saddest posts I have read was a woman who had been involved with her married man for…get this…18 years! She was 16 when the emotional affair began. He married and in his mid 20’s. The mistress was elated because her lover came to see her for a few minutes on Christmas and that he spent part of New Years with her this year because it was the first time she wasn’t totally alone for the holidays. She said her lover came to her house for his birthday and that his wife showed up, called him from the parking lot, and he went out to talk with her. Apparently, she was upset he wasn’t at home on his special day. The mistress now wants to arrange a meeting with the wife so she can come to some kind of husband custody arrangement, for lack of a better way to describe it.

I can’t wrap my head around wasting 18 YEARS of my life on a man that belongs to someone else. I hope she ends the affair, finds a nice man, and has a few babies before her biological clock alarm goes off and she has reached the end of her fertility.

She must get out right away; that is vital. She can tell the wife if she is so inclined. She might tell the husband that she is going to do this, so he can come clean first.

Still, I’d make one phone call at most, admit that the wife has no way to know whether the caller is telling the truth or not, apologize for an offense against her marriage, do not give any details except to say that there was no intercourse and as far as the mistress knows she has no STDs, and promise not to call again or allow the husband to contact her again. Then do that. Do not make any more calls and do not accept any. Cut it off, period, done.

 

[Vico]

A serious question. I need to the know the truth.

A few months ago I began going for late night cocktails with a married man, and a new father, in fact.

He insists that the adultery never extends beyond kissing, caressing, viewing each other nude, basically everything but sex. He seems content with these amorous exchanges, and promises me that because he is only married through the state and not the church yet, it is really not yet adultery.

In every other sense of his life he is a Catholic man.

My question to you all relates to the validity of his statements, as I am deeply in love with him. Is it not yet adultery? Would the church care about state sanctioned marriage or can he leave his wife and child? Is there anywhere that states “everything except sex” is okay?

What is the Catholic perspective on this?

Everything except sexual intercourse is not ok.

For a Catholic, “kissing, caressing, viewing each other nude,” with one not married to (with approval of the Catholic Church) are serious sins of lust.

For others, “kissing, caressing, viewing each other nude,” with one not married to are serious sins of lust.