I was once where you are right now. It’s seems to me that you may be getting closer to being free of this just by the fact that you are no longer experiencing any pleasure in it. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom. God’s grace is a very real power. But oftentimes we forget that God wants us to use our will to fight sin. I think a lot of times we pray but we forget about denying ourselves.
We have to be willing to endure the discomfort of absolutely refusing it to ourselves; essentially, we have to suffer, at least in the short term, in order to beat this. I’ve read this countless times in my spiritual reading: God wants us to fight against our sins. He wants us to be a warrior!
I can only relate my own experience. I know for me I would do the same thing as you, falling every day, sometimes even twice a day. Then a funny thing happened: I got so mad at myself that I just said: “I’m not going to do this today! I don’t care how lustful I feel! I will not masturbate today no matter how strong the temptation!” Every time I had the urge I would say a prayer for help and then just start doing something else to keep busy. I got through that day without doing it and I thought: “Well, I guess I can go a day without doing it!” And then I got through another day with the same plan: prayer and distraction.
And with each day that passed I gained strength and confidence that I was able to live without it. The grace of God began to flow. I also felt that I no longer desired it. He changed my desires. He will change yours as well.
Once you really begin to fight this and downright refuse the thoughts and feelings, his grace will be there to uphold you and strengthen you. But even if you fall, just take up the fight again. I once heard a good quote. I can’t remember it exactly so I’ll paraphrase it: “The saints weren’t perfect. They were just better than us at not giving up.” They refused to give in to discouragement. We must do the same.
Another thing that helped was praying to Mary. I asked her to help me renew my vision of women. I prayed the Hail Mary and Hail Holy Queen a lot. I truly believe that she did help me.
Yet another thing that helped was learning what sex is really all about. Learning about the Theology of the Body helped me to avoid it as well because now I knew why I should not be masturbating. The books If You Really Loved Me by Jason Evert and Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West were crucial for me. Another book that helped, although not a Catholic book, was Every Man’s Battle.
We also have to learn how to avoid the occasion of sin. So that may mean being online less and watching less TV, especially in the beginning. We have to learn to discipline our eyes as well, avoiding lustful images. Not taking in so many images helps to calm down the fires of lust burning within us. Finally, we have to learn to deny even the mere thought of masturbation. As soon as you get the thought, say a prayer and distract yourself. Discipline is the name of the game.
Continued…