scared:
Oh I know that I am to blame for alot of this. I know that all too well… Yes, this is my fault, I acknowledge that, but how does one plug themselves back into God
Ok, you acknowledge you are at fault for something. If you are so at fault, do you deserve good things right now? You feel you have lost the presence of God for five months. Looks to me like you are the one who moved. So, move back. Make an effort. Yes, it is an uphill battle, but do it because God deserves it, not because you deserve it. If you believe He deserves it, you will offer yourself as a vessel for His purpose. That will fulfill your realization that you don’t deserve it. It is true, you don’t deserve to get your way. So be fair and let God have His way in Truth.
And as for what you are suffering now, simply accept it as a chastisement to help you learn obedience.
Hebrews 5:8 And whereas indeed he was the Son of God, he learned obedience by the things which he suffered:
Apocalypse 3:19 Such as I love, I rebuke and chastise. Be zealous therefore, and do penance.
So Christ has already been there, and suffered separation - even though He was not at fault. Imagine your faults loaded on Him as He suffers. He accepts your sins and atones for them, and pays for your redemption. But to be saved you must let His redemption of your sins count, and entrust yourself to Him and His plan for all the “slaves” He buys away from the devil through His sufferings. Truly you must stop doing your own will and do God’s will to enter Heaven.
Matthew 7:21 Not every one that saith to me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven: but he that doth the will of my Father who is in heaven, he shall enter into the kingdom of heaven.
scared:
… without the help of someone who knows about the faith. I know nothing, what I do know is a mere drop in the bucket, not enough to sustain faith.
Fortunately, you are availing yourself of knowledgable people on this board.
To sustain faith, you must make an effort and pray. It does not take faith to know God exists. But it takes faith to entrust yourself to Him - faith in His mercy and justice. Follow the simple golden rule with God.
Matthew 7:12 All things therefore whatsoever you would that men should do to you, do you also to them. For this is the law and the prophets.
Whatever you’d like Him to do for you, do that for Him through others.
Colossians 3:23 Whatsoever you do, do it from the heart, as to the Lord, and not to men:
As a beggar before God, you’d like God to help you? Then help beggars you see in the street. As offensive before God, you’d like Him to accept you? Then accept others you meet who are likewise offensive. This is why we are called to love one another - because that is what life in God is about. If we will not be this way with others, then we will not be that way with God.
Matthew 25:45 Then he shall answer them, saying: Amen I say to you, as long as you did it not to one of these least, neither did you do it to me.
I think that what you need to sustain is hope. And I would say that if you give God a reason to hope that you will stay with Him (e.g. via persevering in prayer), then He will likewise give you a reason to hope that He will stay with you (e.g. sweet consolation).
In conclusion, let me say that I know someone who, though close to the Lord, had to endure six months of no consolations or sense of God’s nearness. It was tormenting, to say the least. But God returned even more sweetly than before. And it was explained that this separation was not only meant to make the heart fonder, but also to help her grieve and pray for those who are separated from God.
Perhaps God is showing you this to awaken charity in your heart for others? But be prepared to have to endure for years, if that is what will please our great God. I would encourage you to read more lives of saints.
hurst