Some people receive lots of help from a “grief group.” Some people don’t like the idea. But this is not solely a “spiritual” issue but an emotional one, very deep emotions. I was in a group during a year I had several sudden deaths in my family. One lady in the group was there because she had a miscarriage. She was very distraught and cried on and off, and no one made a judgment or told her how she should feel.
These groups are often offered free at hospitals. Your doctor’s office also should know where a group might be offered. Your parish office may also have a listing.
They are led by a counselor, minister, nurse or someone with sensitivity. It is NOT therapy, and it is NOT advice. It is only to help people relate to the pain they are suffering and cope with it. Sharing is not forced. Some people are helped by talking, some by listening to the stories.
If this appeals to you at all, I encourage you to find a group and go. If you don’t like it you can always leave.
Another thing to ponder sometime:
Until extremely recently, science and biology would have no way of informing a woman she was pregnant at such an early stage. You would have conceived and then lost the tiny baby without knowing anything about it. You would not even feel the hormonal effects that early in the development. And you would have no mourning.
You did nothing wrong and used no sinful methods, yet you are right that we humans now have the ability to superimpose our own plans (a little bit) over what might seem to be the natural path God has laid out. We don’t really know, we do our best, but the fact is we are calling the shots because we have more options.
The advances of technology are a double-edged sword. The medicine allowed you to conceive, but the tests allowed you to know you had miscarried. For some women this may be no problem, and they could try again after some recovery. For others, maybe it would be a signal to use their love of children to do foster care or volunteer work. Only you can evaluate for yourself whether a potential repeat of that experience might be too devastating for you.
Now is not the time to decide, now you must allow your feelings to play out and heal. Don’t over-analyze at this time. Don’t focus on guilt, but let it dissipate and it gradually will.
As for missing Mass, illness excuses you from Mass and you are most certainly ill at this time. Don’t add to your guilt by worrying over that. However, it might help you feel better if you begin to go to Mass, to confession. The sacraments do give Grace. It’s OK to leave Mass early at first if you feel overwhelmed. Even to stop by the outside of the church, park for a moment, cross yourself and say a few words to God. The Blessed Sacrament is near you.
Now, around the house, if a rosary seems too hard right now, please promise me one little thing. One “Hail Mary” per day. You are starting just with that. Do it in the morning, before noon, OK? That way you won’t keep postponing. You don’t have to feel it, like it or even believe it. Simply say one “Hail Mary” each day. Beginning now. OK, my dear? Right now, as you finish reading this, my dear, stop and say one little Hail Mary. Thank you.
And may God bless you and your husband.
