I don't mean to be a downer, but

[CCM08]

People have lost any sense of personal honor and the flood of media constantly promotes ego gratification instantly. If your marriage isn’t always exactly like it was on your honeymoon you should get a divorce or find someone to commit adultery with. Affairs are fun and exciting ways to pass the time, and so on. I think materialism plays a part, women want to find men with money and that isn’t single guys their age. Men think that if they’ve made a lot of money they’re entitled to have a young mistress on the side.
I also think marriages to spouses significantly older than the other spouse play a big part. The only people I know in the family that had affairs were my aunts that married men 15 and 17 years older respectively. They get married and quickly discover they are at different and incompatible stages of life. She wants to go out and do things, he wants to sit home. She wants to make love and he has trouble getting or maintaining an erection. Normal aspects of getting older, the difference being when you’ve had 20 years together at the same stage of life of going out and making love these problems are significantly less pronounced. When you’ve been married a few years and you want to have sex but he can’t it’s a lot different. As such it’s not exactly a huge leap that there’s an interest in finding someone your own age that can give you what you want. We’re conditioned to think that “good” women don’t want to have sex, however if married life has taught me anything it’s that that notion is myth. I think a lot of people, male and female, buy into that myth and then only discover it when it becomes a problem.
Men are constantly buying into the notion that the way to solve a mid-life crisis is to “regain” their youth with an affair. Can’t recall all the TV shows or movies I’ve seen that promote this message. It’s an attractive message that you aren’t getting older, it’s really just an old stuffy wife and home and the cure for it is a 19 year old hooker.
The world does what it does, there isn’t a great deal you can do about it. The world wants to tell people that pre-martial sex is fun, and if you want to point out all the problems with it you’re a religious fanatic that wants to make people follow your beliefs. The world wants to make adultery seem exciting, and if you don’t agree you’re a fuddy duddy that must use a sheet with a hole in it and so on.

 

[gmarie21]

Enabling, or lack of real communication.

Not pulling your weight as 1/2 of a commitment, and allowing the other partner… (with false hope of “someday things will be different”), or having the strength to air what is on your mind.

I’m not talking about being a suppressive NAG, but there is something genuinely missing between the bond of these people. Something strong enough to drive one to stray.

It’s not Porn. It’s not TV or Cable. It’s not society’s current mode of dress - and the attractions of those who wear them… It’s the fact that there are two people who for whatever reason can’t come to a compromise with eachother. Because of this one or the other turns to the aforementioned outlets to fulfill a need.

As an outsider looking in (and shamefully having been on each end of the problem) I would say that you hit the nail on the head. One also needs to remember that that whole statement about even “looking at a woman with lust” says a whole lot. I tend to believe that women have more emotional affairs while men have more physical affairs. I may be wrong, but if what I say resembles the truth than one can see that the problem is EXACTLY as you stated, needs are not being fulfilled within the marriage and therefore the unfulfilled spouse looks for someone to fulfill their need. I believe many marriages wouldn’t have to face this if spouses truly listened to one another, but life gets busy and there are only so many hours in a day and the children need to be tended to and so on. Now, I am not saying that this is the reason for ALL forms of unfaithfulness, but I would bet that it is the reason for a majority. The most important part of communication is listening, not talking (like many people think it is).

 

[urbana]

As I said before, there are few true men left.

To some extent, I agree; any man who commits adultery is not behaving as a true man. On the other hand, I think this attitude can be subconsciously reflective of society’s push to denigrate men.

Let’s examine: pretty much any time a man is having an affair on his wife, there are two people involved in sin, the man having the affair, and the woman he is having an affair with. If his affair has gotten physical, then the woman he is having an affair with is also complicit in adultery (or possibly if she was lied to, only complicit in fornication). Only in the relatively rare cases where she was both effectively lied to, and their relationship is otherwise proper would the man be the sole sinner.

Admittedly, this only establishes that for almost every man violating his wedding vows, there is a woman also involved in grave sin. It does not establish that these women are themselves married, so one could argue that while both men and women are sinning, men are more likely to violate their wedding vows. I cannot counter this, but I suspect that men and women may be likely to violate their wedding vows in different ways, women in more subtle ways than having physical affairs.

So please, I’m tired of the men are pigs attitude that society is pushing, but that I would hope would not prevail on a Catholic forum. Some men are pigs. But the proper generalization is not that there are few true men left, but that much of society (BOTH men and women) has been corrupted.

 

[whatevergirl]

A lot of the time, and not sure if many of you know this…adultery has little to do with the marriage, and it’s really something missing from the spouse who is cheating.

 

[Tom317]

To some extent, I agree; any man who commits adultery is not behaving as a true man. On the other hand, I think this attitude can be subconsciously reflective of society’s push to denigrate men.

Let’s examine: pretty much any time a man is having an affair on his wife, there are two people involved in sin, the man having the affair, and the woman he is having an affair with. If his affair has gotten physical, then the woman he is having an affair with is also complicit in adultery (or possibly if she was lied to, only complicit in fornication). Only in the relatively rare cases where she was both effectively lied to, and their relationship is otherwise proper would the man be the sole sinner.

Admittedly, this only establishes that for almost every man violating his wedding vows, there is a woman also involved in grave sin. It does not establish that these women are themselves married, so one could argue that while both men and women are sinning, men are more likely to violate their wedding vows. I cannot counter this, but I suspect that men and women may be likely to violate their wedding vows in different ways, women in more subtle ways than having physical affairs.

So please, I’m tired of the men are pigs attitude that society is pushing, but that I would hope would not prevail on a Catholic forum. Some men are pigs. But the proper generalization is not that there are few true men left, but that much of society (BOTH men and women) has been corrupted.

I will not argue with your points because they are valid. I will simply say that men are called to a higher level a spiritual leadership in relationships and in vast numebrs they are falling short. Men and women sin a lot, no doubt there, yet men are supposed to help guide their relationshiops into less troubled waters by being the image of Christ. In vast numbers men are ignoring that calling, or simply do not know they have the call.

Men are not pigs, and since I am a man I certainly would not think or say such a thing. I will say my fellow brethen and I have a lot of work to do.

 

[CCM08]

I will not argue with your points because they are valid. I will simply say that men are called to a higher level a spiritual leadership in relationships and in vast numebrs they are falling short. Men and women sin a lot, no doubt there, yet men are supposed to help guide their relationshiops into less troubled waters by being the image of Christ. In vast numbers men are ignoring that calling, or simply do not know they have the call.

Men are not pigs, and since I am a man I certainly would not think or say such a thing. I will say my fellow brethen and I have a lot of work to do.

It has nothing to do with higher levels of “spiritual leadership.” It’s just a simple social double standard, by which both the mistress and the wife are the victims of the affair and the man is always solely to blame. Women who have affairs are equally blameless, after all it’s the husband’s fault they were having the affair in the first place.
Personally I think if you cheat on your spouse, without regard to your gender, you’re scum. Equally so for men or women that knowingly become involved with married people. It’s a social lack of any sense of personal honor or loyalty fostered by a soceity that thinks such concepts are “outdated.”

 

[RedSoxFan]

Why does it seem like the majority or at least half of marriages have infidelity? Why is there sooo much of it. I get so depressed when I hear of yet another man is cheating on his wife… I know, it happens the other way around too, but why does it seem men struggle more with this? There are soo many posts on this forum where another woman is posting about their cheating husband.

My dad had multiple affairs, his brother did it, my mom’s brother did it, my grandfather did it, and my husband’s father did it…is it a curse? I’m sorry, maybe I’m having a bad day, but I have always had this fear that what if my husband does it someday…I think it’s because there has been so much of it in my own family, and I have been so hurt by it.

Thanks for listening.

Well there is a fairly easy answer. Too many people running around screaming “MEEEE!!!” As for your family I think it seems to show a learned behavior. The children learned thier habits by watching thier family. It’s up for the current generation to break the cycle so that a new behavior is learned.

 

[johannahw]

I am ashamed to admit this but I was once one of those women who openly committed adultery. I think what put me on that path was being introduced to sex at the age of 3 and growing up from their with the terrible habit of masturbation. In my teenage years things only got worse and I became promiscuous. Being a 60s flower child didn’t help much either. I had no respect for myself. My virginity had been ripped from me. I was damaged goods already. I began to see some hope (redemption) for my life after I became Catholic. I’m married now for the third time and still sometimes have difficulty but I have been faithful to my current husband for over 10 years now.
Johannah

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

I was just listening to Fr. Corapi on EWTN and he was talking about the breakdown of the family. A lot of it focused on how the devil hates families because they mirror the blessed Trinity. He hates that and will do what he can do destroy it.

Hence we have the most evil thing that started it all…artificial contraception. As Fr. Corapi said once this was introduced, it was open season. After this came so many other things that have lead to this mainly pornography. The accessibility of this at your fingertips has changed many men’s (and women’s) views on sex. It is viewed as something for pleasure, not something of God.

I will also agree that many times when there is adultry it is due to the fact that there is something that one of the spouses is “missing” in the marriage. Why this cannot be communicated I do not know. The sacrament of marriage is taken too lightly these days from priests all the way down to the couple that is getting married. It is sad, but true.

 

[whatevergirl]

I was just listening to Fr. Corapi on EWTN and he was talking about the breakdown of the family. A lot of it focused on how the devil hates families because they mirror the blessed Trinity. He hates that and will do what he can do destroy it.

Hence we have the most evil thing that started it all…artificial contraception. As Fr. Corapi said once this was introduced, it was open season. After this came so many other things that have lead to this mainly pornography. The accessibility of this at your fingertips has changed many men’s (and women’s) views on sex. It is viewed as something for pleasure, not something of God.

I will also agree that many times when there is adultry it is due to the fact that there is something that one of the spouses is “missing” in the marriage. Why this cannot be communicated I do not know. The sacrament of marriage is taken too lightly these days from priests all the way down to the couple that is getting married. It is sad, but true.

I saw a few moments of Fr Corapi talking about this very same thing…about the attacks on the family…he is truly amazing. He reminds me a bit of a modern day St Paul!

 

[luvmykids]

It’s not Porn. It’s not TV or Cable. It’s not society’s current mode of dress - and the attractions of those who wear them… It’s the fact that there are two people who for whatever reason can’t come to a compromise with eachother. Because of this one or the other turns to the aforementioned outlets to fulfill a need.

I would have to disagree with this to some extent. I feel that alot of men go into a marriage with these porn issues, and are brought up with it. They then have issues with how they are to view human sexuality and also have masturbation problems. A man cannot have a healthy marital relationship with these issues regardless of how much the woman tries. This stuff is evil and it is meant to do just that…destroy families!

 

[gmarie21]

I would have to disagree with this to some extent. I feel that alot of men go into a marriage with these porn issues, and are brought up with it. They then have issues with how they are to view human sexuality and also have masturbation problems. A man cannot have a healthy marital relationship with these issues regardless of how much the woman tries. This stuff is evil and it is meant to do just that…destroy families!

Let’s also not forget the “prince charming” fantasy women grew up with. Love doesn’t require work and the men always do what the women want. Women also enter marriage with this distorted view which also can break down a marriage when they expect their husbands to be just like the men in the movies.

 

[Jay2]

Let’s also not forget the “prince charming” fantasy women grew up with. Love doesn’t require work and the men always do what the women want.

And where did that ever start? Why is it always expected that the MAN change??

There’s an ancient email floating around, that has this point at around #15 or so…

“If you don’t dress/look/act like Victoria Secret models, don’t expect us to act like Soap Opera guys!”