I dont think i love him anymore

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Vikki2973

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I have been married to my husband for 15 years. We are married in the church, so i have been told that divorce is not an option. I used to adore him. Just two years ago i would light up when i saw him come in the room. However, these last two year have had major events happen and i begged him to be there for me, but refused. Now i not only hold so much resentment for him, but the thought of him touching me makes me sick and claustrophobia. How do i live like this or fix it? We have tried talking, fighting, forcing myself to let him get close, but nothing works. It only makes it worse.
 
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We have tried talking to a priest, but we were told we just need to work together to get passed the problems we are having.
 
Talk to God , ask Him to make it clear what needs to be done to restore your marriage and have faith that He will do it. Ask God to change you into the wife He made you to be. I am in your husbands shoes and it is a pain I’ve never experienced when the one you love makes it known that your touch isn’t wanted and you’re no longer needed. Ask God to give you for the forgiveness to let the resentment go and then let Him worry about your husband. Open your heart to the healing that needs to take place. And let God fill any voids your husband has left. I’m praying for your marriage and all marriages to heal and flourish with a new agape love in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen!
 
I’d need more details on the actual let-down events to be able to give you something more real in the advice department? But seriously this is a problem that needs some deep healing.

Love’s sort of a steep cliff. So when you fall off it seems like a long way back up to the top. Usually the best way forward in those cases is actually a way backwards first.

I mean you almost have to re-invent the relationship so it has a new meaning that can outshine the old. But honestly so much of this depends on how severe the slip-up was? And how you reacted to it.

How does he seem to react to you in general? Is he indifferent? Is he trying at all? Does he express any sort of affection? Does he initiate anything?

I hope some threads of this are left loose so we can tie things up again? But I need more info before I can even begin on the how.

Peace.
 
A good marriage counselor might help.

Or even just maybe you see a counselor. It might help you get perspective.
 
It really depends on what happened. You write that your husband refused to be there for you event though you begged him. That’s very strange. Although I can’t say for sure without knowing what it was that you needed his help with, generally speaking it is of course highly inappropriate for a husband to withhold his support from his wife. Unless there was something quite unfair about your request and the reasons for it, your husband’s choice to withhold his support may be an indication that he does not understand what obligations he accepted when he married you. This could constitute a "lack of understanding of what marriage really is, and that could be valid grounds for an annulment. (I trust you know what an annulment is.) I’m just pointing this out in case you want to explore that possibility.
 
In general, people can be big annoying jerks without it indicating a lack of basic understanding of marriage.

“For better, for worse” does inherently include “for my spouse acting like a poopyhead loser nogoodnik” and “for me wanting to scream at him every time I see him.”

It does not include things like “for my serial killer spouse targeting me for death,” and various other limits.

Obviously you should talk to a psychologist, marriage counselor, priest, and whoever else, preferably both alone and with your husband. And you should talk to your husband. Very rarely is this a one-way street.

Sheesh, I hated my brothers for most of my childhood, but we are not squabbling today. Irritations and even serious wrongs can pass, given time and understanding.
 
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Over three decades, there have been times when I did not like my husband, when I did not want to be in the same room as him, when loving him took every ounce of my will. I am sure he would say the same thing about me.

Please, seek professional marriage counseling.

There are counselors who have been on Catholic Answers Live, both of these


https://www.catholiccounselors.com/more2life-radio/popcaks180x201/

This is from the US Bishops:

www.foryourmarriage.org

Overcoming Adversity

Every married couple will hit road bumps in their life together. Some are fairly easy to overcome with skills and habits of listening and respect; others take much time, effort, prayer, and professional help. Don’t lose hope! God is with you and help is available, no matter what you are facing...
www.foryourmarriage.org www.foryourmarriage.org
 
Mintaka said:
“For better, for worse” does inherently include “for my spouse acting like a poopyhead loser nogoodnik” and “for me wanting to scream at him every time I see him.”

It does not include things like “for my serial killer spouse targeting me for death,” and various other limits.
Click to expand...
I agree that someone in that type of situation needs to get out but I think it’s important to specify that without an annulment they are not free to seek a new relationship and an annulment may not be granted.
 
In August of last year i moved home to help take care of my mom. Last May, right before mother’s day my mom was admitted in to the hospital. They told us she would not make it home. After months of caring for her we were going to lose her. That compiled with my dad treating me like trash and my husband 1000 miles away was too much for me. I asked my husband to come and help me take care of our kids so i could take care of my mom while she was in the hospital. He refused. All stress of everything caused me to have a mental break. I was afraid to go to sleep cause i thought i was going to die. I was afraid to get in a car or be alone. I asked him to come and help me through this time. He refused. My mom made it home only to pass away this August. It took her 3 days to pass. I asked him to come be here for me. He refused. It wasn’t until i threatened divorce he finally come. He didn’t get here until 15 after she had passed. I had to tell our kids she passed alone. Last month he finally moved here. But now he expects me to wait on him. He doesn’t clean up after himself, make is own food, help with the kids. Its like having another child.
 
OK, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot, and your husband was of little help during those trying times. That’s unfortunate. But to the best of your knowledge, what reasons did he have for behaving in this way? Was he trying to avoid your family? Does he not get along with them? Or did he have other obligations (work?) that he did not want to abandon? I’m just trying to understand his side of the story, even if he was wrong to behave the way he did.

And as concerns the current situation, are you and your husband and kids not planning to move back to where you were before? Does your husband have work now? Who is the breadwinner? And (last question), is he a practicing Catholic, or non-practicing, or is he Christian but not Catholic? This all matters if you’re serious about leaving him, in which case you would need an annulment.
 
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I’m with 1ke. Seek professional marriage counseling. Having a priest to talk to is a great idea as well and should be done, but you need more specialized assistance on marriage, it would seem.
 
I’m sorry you’ve been through so much. You’re hurting. This is not a place where you can make intelligent relationship decisions. Could I suggest–as counterintuitive as it may sound–trying to figure out what you can do to make your husband happier? I imagine he’s hurting too, and the more you can reach out and build connections the more you two can support each other instead of growing in resentment and isolation.
 
I’ve been on the receiving end of this, with my ex. God’s requirements of us being what they are, I keep on living, determined to keep going, day by day (blast it all). But however we’d have it, some people are determined to live their lives in accordance with what their day-to-day emotions tell them. (God knows, it’s so much better to indulge oneself and to ignore whatever debris our self-actualization leaves behind us.)
 
Definitely, marriage counseling is needed. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I would suggest letting him make his own food, clean up after himself. Perhaps, depending on how open to communication he is, you could say something like, “We are both adults here, and need to pull our own weight. Could you get Junior ready for bed and tuck him in, please?”
If he won’t go to a counselor with you, go by yourself. God bless.
 
Thank you for this advice. I did just this. We went to dinner and talked. I let hin tell me what he needed. Why he has been behaving the way he has. I always assumed it was just about us, but i was so much more. We made new promises to one another. We are trying to be more open and honest with our feelings. Its only been a week, but it’s starting to get a little better. Lets hope it continues this way.
 
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