I ended a friendship today

[mommamaree]

I had to end my friendship with the godparents of two of my children. It is a married couple and the wife is quite a toxic personality and her husband was becoming more like her everyday. I am concerned about the blow back in the parish over this. I also wonder what it means to cut ties with godparents that turn out to be less than trustworthy. Has anyone else had to cut ties with friends/godparents for their kids? I am a convert, so they became godparents for my kids before we knew them, since we didn’t know anyone in the parish yet. Some people who have known them longer have suggested that they offered to become godparents in the first place because the wife of the couple saw me as an easy target. This is a horrible situation, full of uncertainty.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I had to end my friendship with the godparents of two of my children. It is a married couple and the wife is quite a toxic personality and her husband was becoming more like her everyday. I am concerned about the blow back in the parish over this. I also wonder what it means to cut ties with godparents that turn out to be less than trustworthy. Has anyone else had to cut ties with friends/godparents for their kids? I am a convert, so they became godparents for my kids before we knew them, since we didn’t know anyone in the parish yet. Some people who have known them longer have suggested that they offered to become godparents in the first place because the wife of the couple saw me as an easy target. This is a horrible situation, full of uncertainty.

I’m sorry to hear this, but it sounds as though you made the right decision. You don’t need toxic people in your life, and you definitely don’t need them around your kids!

In terms of Church teaching, it doesn’t “mean” anything to cut these ties. They’re still your kids’ godparents; you just don’t have contact with them. Perhaps you might look around for other role models of faith for your kids? My husband and I, for example, have elected to have no contact with my parents, but his parents will be wonderful grandparents and there are other couples who will be like grandparents to our kids.

As for blowback in the parish, I’d suggest taking the high road. I’d simply not discuss it with anyone except a close friend or two who can be counted on to keep quiet about the situation. If someone other than one of the close friends asks you about it, smile and say something noncommittal–“Really?” “Indeed?” “Hmmm.” etc and change the subject. Quite simply, it’s really none of their business.

Best of luck to you in this.

 

[Evania]

I second the poster that mentioned to take the high road.

If this couple is toxic, they may choose to pull you down, but if you take the high road, it’ll speak volumes.

 

[SecretaryMonday]

:hug3:

So sorry about your difficulties. Why would the rest of the parish need to know? Are these godparents in some kind of public position in which they can hurt you? If some have already told you that these people are toxic, others have probably realized this without saying anything, and if they hear anything bad about your family they will consider the source.

 

[mountee]

Your main concerns should be your salvation and how you raise your children in the faith. If the people who you chose for Godparents are not worthy of being their Godparents then keep them away from your children. Protect them as they grow up just like you would from any other danger. I will pray for you to have courage.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.

 

[EasterJoy]

In most parishes I know, when a new family is befriended by parishioners that the others have found to be toxic, there isn’t any surprise when the new family finally realizes what sort of people have befriended them and put the same distance in that nearly everyone else has already found necessary. You need to be charitable–patient, kind, and so on–but you do not need to be in the social circle of every Christian you know, not even the godparents of your children.

No one has a right to stay in your “innermost circle of trust”, not your parents, not your siblings, not your godparents, and not the godparents of your children. That is a privileged place, and those who respect you will allow you to choose who is invited to stand on that ground. That is the ground on which you are the most vulnerable, the most sacred ground in your soul, save that ground that is reserved for God alone. Do not apologize for protecting it and do not feel a need to make apologies for your decisions. You’ve learned it is painful to turn someone out once you’ve allowed them in, but that doesn’t mean that it will never again be necessary. No matter how insightful you are, you cannot predict the future. You can’t read what anyone will choose tomorrow. On that account, it will always be possible that someone allowed into your circle of trust will prove unworthy of your trust. Provided this isn’t a regular occurrence, that is not a reflection on you, OK? Even if it is, you simply need guidance on how to recognize those who are worthy of your trust. That is a skill you learn, not a “character trait.” You don’t ever have to endure bad treatment from that sector of your life because you made a mistake in judgment in your past.

My choice to guide me through this time of uncertainty would probably be the persons who have already been down the road you’re on, the ones who have decided to put some distance in themselves, provided you find them trustworthy in other respects. Whatever you do, though, word everything you say in a way that you can stand to have overheard by all the wrong people. You will never regret using a diplomatic way of expressing what you are going through. If it turns out that you have made a mistake in judgment some day, you’ll also find your words far easier to eat when you took the care in speaking them to coat them with a little sugar!

 

[mommamaree]

This “friend” and I had a productive conversation today. It is strange, but with the threat of actually losing the friendship, both of us felt more free to lay all the cards on the table. It was enlightening and sorrowful. We have agreed to take some time, to think and to pray, and we will meet face-to-face, just the two of us in a couple weeks time. She came clean about her behavior, about why she lashes out and does things that hurt me. She asserts that hurting me is not her primary intention, protecting herself is. She is so afraid that I will judge her and find her lacking that she has been putting me down or pushing me away to protect herself. There may be something worth saving here after all, with God’s help. I think adding several Rosaries for this intention between now and then might be the best thing I can do right now. This is so hard. I do not want to let her go, but neither did I want to let go of my mother, when my mother forced me to go no contact. I hope this will not be a repeat. I thought it was definitely over, but perhaps not. I would appreciate any prayers you can spare.

 

[CarolNoel]

This “friend” and I had a productive conversation today. It is strange, but with the threat of actually losing the friendship, both of us felt more free to lay all the cards on the table. It was enlightening and sorrowful. We have agreed to take some time, to think and to pray, and we will meet face-to-face, just the two of us in a couple weeks time. She came clean about her behavior, about why she lashes out and does things that hurt me. She asserts that hurting me is not her primary intention, protecting herself is. She is so afraid that I will judge her and find her lacking that she has been putting me down or pushing me away to protect herself. There may be something worth saving here after all, with God’s help. I think adding several Rosaries for this intention between now and then might be the best thing I can do right now. This is so hard. I do not want to let her go, but neither did I want to let go of my mother, when my mother forced me to go no contact. I hope this will not be a repeat. I thought it was definitely over, but perhaps not. I would appreciate any prayers you can spare.

I hope all goes well for you on this.