I feel aloof from my RCIA group

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andyklein

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I have been told that the process of joining the Catholic Church is a community-oriented thing. That should mean that I am able to feel comfortable expressing my faith, share it with others, and discuss my faith journey. Instead, I am able to do none of these things yet. I have not yet said a word, other than my name, in my RCIA discussion group. I think sometimes our discussions are contrived, or that they fill time with words and thoughts that most people already think anyway. It’s always a kind of “what does everyone think about this” discussion that meanders into other things.

It could be that I just don’t feel at ease with my group. I am the only younger male in it. I am also a pretty introverted person. There are numerous extroverted people there. There are also middle-aged people that have spent years trying to find the right faith for them, so they have fascinating stories to tell. I am 19. My story is: I was raised without a religion, but I have grown in love with the Church over the last couple years, and here I am. I have never openly discussed religion with anybody before, and I don’t know how to now. And because I am only a typical 19 year old guy, I focus on small things today that don’t hardly mean anything.

I know I shouldn’t be evaluating where I stand in the process based on what I see from other people, but they seem to have so much to say and I have so little to say. Is this bad?

I should explain that I am fully committed to joining the Church. I plan on officially becoming Catholic at next year’s Easter Vigil, even if my RCIA group doesn’t know who I am. I pray often. I critique myself. I try to learn as much as I can about Catholicism. I love going to 1/2 mass every Sunday. My major concern is that I might not be gaining as much from the process as I should. They are engaged, and I am not. I feel like I am going through the motions of RCIA while I lead myself through something different.

This was my rant. Any opinions on it?
 
Hey. Very glad that you are so committed to the faith and have been thinking hard about how to truly grow up as a faithful Christian 👍. In my opinion, there are two sides of Christian life: intellectual (learning, thinking) and emotional (praying, feeling). Some RCIA programs focus on the former while some others focus on the latter. I think it’s very important that one does both, not only for RCIA, but also throughout the whole life! So if you think your RCIA is too boring and fruitless, and you are unable to find other local community that satisfies your need, feel free to read Catechism and Scriptures (study bibles, commentaries) on your own, and look around at New Advent and Catholic Answers and exchange ideas with people online. You can even suggest your RCIA group to study the Catechism together!

Hope this helps. May God bless you.
 
Give it a little time. My experience, being involved with RCIA is that some people take longer than others to open up or feel comfortable. It is normal don’t worry about it, and welcome!
 
Leadership. Where is the leadership here? An effective leader focuses on the needs of each person and helps them to feel welcome and comfortable. You should feel free to express your thoughts and participate. This is how we grow in knowledge of the faith. I like to see groups united in spirit. Perhaps your sponsor can offer answers to questions you may have between meetings and of course he/she will be praying for you throughout the RCIA process. First meetings are sort of a get to know what you will be learning and discussing. The Catechism of the Catholic Church is mandatory reading for all Catholics. I am praying that you will not be discouraged. There are too many blessings ahead. God bless you and know that He is with you on this new path.
 
andyklein said:
I have been told that the process of joining the Catholic Church is a community-oriented thing. That should mean that I am able to feel comfortable expressing my faith, share it with others, and discuss my faith journey. Instead, I am able to do none of these things yet. I have not yet said a word, other than my name, in my RCIA discussion group. I think sometimes our discussions are contrived, or that they fill time with words and thoughts that most people already think anyway. It’s always a kind of “what does everyone think about this” discussion that meanders into other things.

It could be that I just don’t feel at ease with my group. I am the only younger male in it. I am also a pretty introverted person. There are numerous extroverted people there. There are also middle-aged people that have spent years trying to find the right faith for them, so they have fascinating stories to tell. I am 19. My story is: I was raised without a religion, but I have grown in love with the Church over the last couple years, and here I am. I have never openly discussed religion with anybody before, and I don’t know how to now. And because I am only a typical 19 year old guy, I focus on small things today that don’t hardly mean anything.

I know I shouldn’t be evaluating where I stand in the process based on what I see from other people, but they seem to have so much to say and I have so little to say. Is this bad?

I should explain that I am fully committed to joining the Church. I plan on officially becoming Catholic at next year’s Easter Vigil, even if my RCIA group doesn’t know who I am. I pray often. I critique myself. I try to learn as much as I can about Catholicism. I love going to 1/2 mass every Sunday. My major concern is that I might not be gaining as much from the process as I should. They are engaged, and I am not. I feel like I am going through the motions of RCIA while I lead myself through something different.

This was my rant. Any opinions on it?
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First off, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re human lol. Everything with the faith is a “process”. Accepting the doctrines and teachings of the Church is as easy as making an honest profession. Understanding what they mean, and why they mean what they do and how it applies to us today, is not something that can be learned overnight. It’s a long process. Not one of us alive today can honestly say we know everything about Catholicism. 2000 years of Sacred Tradition can’t be crammed into one cycle of RCIA. Especially since RCIA is just a meat and bones, nitty gritty bits of the faith. We are all encouraged to continue seeking out new knowledge on our faith afterwords. Countless parishes don’t offer anything like that (much to our own detriment) but that is changing more and more. For now just focus on RCIA, learning what you can, and if you have a question ask it. Even if it’s not pertaining to what they are covering. RCIA is for “you” not for the educational platform it follows. The purpose is to bring “you” into the faith in full knowledge and understanding, not simply following a repeated cycle and telling everyone to hang on tight lol
 
I thought you expressed yourself quite well. It is good to rub shoulders with different age groups to see how others think. If you feel like sharing, go for it. If you don’t feel you have something to add that’s ok. Be sure to ask your questions as they come up, as I’m sure they will over time. It can be an exciting time, learning the faith. I always enjoy hearing other peoples stories, and questions.

Keep the faith! 👍
 
Andy it just seems as if you may not have personal confidence yet.
I used to be like that too, and by the time I might have raised courage to say what I wanted, everyone was on to the next subject. And yes, it does make you feel like an outsider. I was like that in my first year at university.
Be patient with yourself. It takes time to overcome that kind of…I guess you could call it…shyness.

You think some of the discussions seem contrived or uninformative? Then perhaps you know more of some truths than some others may.
And could it not be possible that some who are voluble and brave may have some underlying nervousness. *

You are part of the RCIA community,
but even the bible says:
"Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent.’’ Proverbs 17:28
To others you may seem the wisest person in the room! 🙂

***That put me in mind of my second son. He always was an engaging child, and for some years people thought he was overconfident. A particular teacher he adored used to try to crush his spirit because she thought he was overconfident. I found him crying. I went to his teacher as mothers do, and explained she was hurting my boy. Though he seemed to have effervescent resilience, he had self-doubts. I knew of them as a mother does. I spoke with courtesy but I thought she should know she was distressing my boy. She was surprised and said she didn’t have any idea he was so vulnerable, and tears came into her eyes. She was kinder to him after that.

Even some most confident persons experience their own particular nervousness and uncertainty. They find a way** to belong. You have to find another way, your own, and my experience, was in finding caring about the other people, maybe asking them a question about themselves, and listening…or whatever. I only overcame shyness (but not always self-doubt. I still often doubt myself or blame myself, hard to overcome) but I’ve become very good at relating to others because I make it mostly about them.
 
I can relate. I’m in RCIA right now and there are a few in there who tend to dominate the class. I don’t begrudge them that, but they tend to take things off course. There are two instructors in there and the quieter one tends to gently steer things back in the original direction. I’m also a bit reserved and tend to let others ask questions. I’m always listening and learning but I don’t enjoy being the center of attention. So today, I did something totally out of character without even thinking about it.

Before class they had a living rosary in the church gymnasium. All were invited, including my class. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen one (this was my first), but the congregants who choose to be in it stand in a large circle, each person is a bead from the rosary. I was one of the Our Father’s. We each had recite it out loud and when it was time for mine, I did it without blushing or even thinking (I LOVE the rosary and am comfortable with it at home). When I recited it, a lot of people turned to stare at me. My accent is quite different than theirs since I’m from Northern Wisconsin and currently living in southern Oklahoma. I realized it wasn’t from malice they did that, just curiosity. Anyway… afterwards I felt better. For a moment in time, I turned my brain off and did something publicly fun and didn’t feel like a jerk for even a minute.

So I guess my only advice to you, though a bit lame, is try and turn your brain off sometimes. Not all the time, but just long enough to put yourself out there. Good luck!
 
From what I’m reading, you appear to be a very thoughtful young man who has fallen for the catholic faith and is fully committing to it.

While the RCIA genuinely welcomes new members into its’ fold, most of its’ programs are structered and do not allow for the free and open discussions you are looking for. You appear to want a “deeper connection” with the other RCIA candidates and realistically speaking, you may or may not find it there, as most people do not “search for God” as you have but rather “fall into religion” instead.

God puts in each of our hearts a desire to want to come to know Him. He has put a desire in your heart to join the body of Christ, so I wish you well on your journey.
 
andyklein said:
*I know I shouldn’t be evaluating where I stand in the process based on what I see from other people, but they seem to have so much to say and I have so little to say. Is this bad?

My major concern is that I might not be gaining as much from the process as I should.* /QUOTE]

It is not bad. Not everybody is comfortable talking about such a personal subject. It sounds like the group is not a great fit for you, plus you don’t have experience in talking about your faith and it is all relatively new to you. However, judging from your post it hardly seems like you have nothing to say. It is a shame you feel like you are not getting much out of RCIA but remember that this is only the beginning of your spiritual journey. So much is yet to come. Who knows, maybe soon you will feel more comfortable talking about your faith and the topics covered in class. Get yourself additional literature if possible and try to get as much as you can from this forum. I have learned so much here in the last 3 years that I’ve been a member.
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I’m a pretty quiet person, too, and when I was in RCIA I was fairly quiet for the first couple of months. Everyone else seemed to be full of questions or always having something to say, or answer, or whatever, and I just kinda sat there, not sure of what to do. I did click with a couple of classmates from the beginning, so that helped. Talk to people even if it’s difficult to do because you feel you’re an introvert, even if it’s just for a few minutes before class begins. I promise you if you open up a little bit (you can’t expect people to make you feel like a part of the group if you are always quiet and maybe they feel like you’re “closed off”), you will see positive changes. Give it some time. I know RCIA started not too long ago and it’s still early on. My prayers are with you, my friend! 😃
 
Trishie said:
Andy it just seems as if you may not have personal confidence yet.
I used to be like that too, and by the time I might have raised courage to say what I wanted, everyone was on to the next subject. And yes, it does make you feel like an outsider. I was like that in my first year at university.
Be patient with yourself. It takes time to overcome that kind of…I guess you could call it…shyness.

You think some of the discussions seem contrived or uninformative? Then perhaps you know more of some truths than some others may.
And could it not be possible that some who are voluble and brave may have some underlying nervousness. *

You are part of the RCIA community,
but even the bible says:
"Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent.’’ Proverbs 17:28
To others you may seem the wisest person in the room! 🙂

***That put me in mind of my second son. He always was an engaging child, and for some years people thought he was overconfident. A particular teacher he adored used to try to crush his spirit because she thought he was overconfident. I found him crying. I went to his teacher as mothers do, and explained she was hurting my boy. Though he seemed to have effervescent resilience, he had self-doubts. I knew of them as a mother does. I spoke with courtesy but I thought she should know she was distressing my boy. She was surprised and said she didn’t have any idea he was so vulnerable, and tears came into her eyes. She was kinder to him after that.

Even some most confident persons experience their own particular nervousness and uncertainty. They find a way** to belong. You have to find another way, your own, and my experience, was in finding caring about the other people, maybe asking them a question about themselves, and listening…or whatever. I only overcame shyness (but not always self-doubt. I still often doubt myself or blame myself, hard to overcome) but I’ve become very good at relating to others because I make it mostly about them.
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You sound perfectly OK to me,

Like everyone said, we are all different and you sound like a great person who will add much to the Church. I am 50 and I still don’t feel like I fit in the Catholic Church. I struggle hard with a lot of things but don’t let the feelings get in your way. You sound excited to be converting so I hope you focus on measuring your own growth and not on how you do in comparison to others. I always look at how far I’ve come not what others want me to be so that I am always seeking to move forward.

Bless you and welcome home,

Lorrie
 
Well, first of all, welcome to the Catholic Church! You’re just getting your feet wet, but let me assure you that there are all sorts of educational and spiritual formation opportunities available to adults, everything from lecture series to seminars to small group discussions. “Catholic” means “universal,” and you probably know that by now. Basically, there’s something for everyone, and I think we Catholics probably “do” that better than anyone else!

Actually, what you’re describing may simply be a factor of your own learning style. People have different learning styles. Some pick up things better if they sit, listen, and absorb. Some need to repeat what they’ve heard orally to fix it in their minds better. Personally, I’m a sit-listen-take notes-absorb type of learner, and find discussion distracting. I’m the kind who is comfortable in a big lecture hall, and who cringes when the class is told to arrange their chairs in a circle. I suppose that somewhere inside I believe that if I knew the class material enough to be comfortable discussing it, I wouldn’t need to take the class in the first place!

There’s nothing wrong with either extreme, and most people fall somewheres on the continuum between them. I’m thinking that the fact that the group is heavily populated by middle aged people might be a factor as well. You’ve just recently been in full-time academic school, where you’ve had to learn large quantities of subject matter under some time constraints. Most of the people you’re in class with haven’t been in a classroom in decades, and aren’t used to doing things like taking notes, absorbing key points, and being able to reproduce the gist of what is being taught on a moment’s notice. There is that factor as well. Since RCIA is aimed at adults, you have to remember that “adult” covers a wide age range and skill set. For some of these folks, RCIA might be their only time during the week that isn’t related to work or home responsibilities, and they may be taking advantage of the little bit of a social atmosphere it provides.

It’s still early in the RCIA season, and you will most likely engage with some of the people that you’re in class with by the time Lent rolls around. And, I’m also thinking, you probably will understand the course material a lot better than some of the more gregarious folks, because you’ve been listening all along.
 
This discussion has also made me think of something that has been bothering me since I joined RCIA. At the first class in August, we were informed that we would be needing a sponsor for us as we went through the process of conversion. I honestly don’t know anyone there that I would feel comfortable asking to be my sponsor. I don’t talk to anyone during Mass and afterwards people go out front and talk to the priest, shake his hand… he’s very affable and likeable. But this is a fairly small town and it’s the only Catholic Church here, so everyone already seems to know each other well and I don’t see where I fit in when it comes to making friends. Not that I’m against it happening, but there’s a bit of the clique thing going on, which is normal. Will we get assigned sponsors, you think? I hope so, because I don’t see myself just going up to anyone and asking 🙂
 
I am the same way in my RCIA class. I have not spoken much at all. Almost everyone in my class has been attending this church for a number of years, except for me. They are also more educated in the bible and all things catholic. I am just starting to read the bible and learn. So I feel like I have nothing to contribute. I feel very awkward. I try to read alot between classes hoping to contribute more, I just don’t seem to retain information as well as I used to. Four kids will do that to you. 😛 But I am there for me. I guess the rest will come 🙂

We are being assigned our sponsors. Which is good, because I do not know a soul in the church who I could ask to be my sponsor. I am very eager to meet my sponsor next week.

Heather
 
For a sponsor, ask the RCIA director to help you find someone. I am a member of the RCIA team at my parish, and I would love to be a sponsor. 🙂 In addition, there might be other church members who would be willing to step up as sponsors, but aren’t members of RCIA.
 
andyklein said:
I have been told that the process of joining the Catholic Church is a community-oriented thing. That should mean that I am able to feel comfortable expressing my faith, share it with others, and discuss my faith journey. Instead, I am able to do none of these things yet. I have not yet said a word, other than my name, in my RCIA discussion group. I think sometimes our discussions are contrived, or that they fill time with words and thoughts that most people already think anyway. It’s always a kind of “what does everyone think about this” discussion that meanders into other things.

It could be that I just don’t feel at ease with my group. I am the only younger male in it. I am also a pretty introverted person. There are numerous extroverted people there. There are also middle-aged people that have spent years trying to find the right faith for them, so they have fascinating stories to tell. I am 19. My story is: I was raised without a religion, but I have grown in love with the Church over the last couple years, and here I am. I have never openly discussed religion with anybody before, and I don’t know how to now. And because I am only a typical 19 year old guy, I focus on small things today that don’t hardly mean anything.

I know I shouldn’t be evaluating where I stand in the process based on what I see from other people, but they seem to have so much to say and I have so little to say. Is this bad?

I should explain that I am fully committed to joining the Church. I plan on officially becoming Catholic at next year’s Easter Vigil, even if my RCIA group doesn’t know who I am. I pray often. I critique myself. I try to learn as much as I can about Catholicism. I love going to 1/2 mass every Sunday. My major concern is that I might not be gaining as much from the process as I should. They are engaged, and I am not. I feel like I am going through the motions of RCIA while I lead myself through something different.

This was my rant. Any opinions on it?
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Hey pal, let me tell you my story 🙂

I went to a new Church when I was your age. I in fact went to a new city where I knew no one. I stepped into a Church where everyone was 40+ years older than me and I too felt like a fish out of water. I was in a new city, with no family and in a new church. However in time I made a friend out of practically everyone in that church and they became my family and I was exactly your age. I did it because I engaged these people, I did a lot of listening and asked questions…I also didn’t have many stories, but frankly I didn’t care these people had far more interesting stories than me and I wanted to hear their stories more than tell my own.

Just start talking with these people, be open…express your views. Don’t be afraid man, if you’ve nothing to say…then ask, let them do the talking. Most importantly don’t be afraid to say what you feel.

I’ll also tell you I once attended Jewish synagogue and took Jewish services and I made friends there (not having the slightest clue about Judaism) I just simply talked to these people asked them about their lives and of course I’m doing it right now in my RCIA class.

So if I can do 3 times my friend you can do it too.

May God Bless you on your journey. 🙂
 
You are all so lucky to BE in an RCIA group! Hello, I just registered and I’m very happy to be here to share and learn! I’m 59 years old and only about 3 1/2 yrs ago, fell in love with the Catholic Church, but my problem is that I re-married only a few months before I discovered this, and my husband is an ordained Baptist Minister, though isn’t pastoring a church, but doesn’t like Catholics! To add to all this confusion and misery, I was born and raised Mormon! Today, I am only content and feel normal listening to Catholic radio. Everything else doesn’t ‘work’ for me anymore. But, I am miserable as my husband is very hot headed and goes on long diatribes about how ‘evil’ Catholics are!!! My Mormon relatives, oddly enough, are very supportive and actually are being pretty cool about my Catholic leanings, but until I can get my husband to allow me to be me, this torture will continue! I want to have a Catholic baptism, as I don’t know if a Mormon one is a true one. Anyway, thanks for listening to all that! I am originally from Los Angeles, (born and raised there. Lived there nearly 40 years). Moved to Portland, Oregon area in 1992 and I’ve lived here now 20 years. For many years in LA, I sang professionally, and worked in the daytime mainly in office jobs. Here in Oregon, I started a business that keeps people with mild developmental disabilities independent in their own homes. I also work for Aging and Disability Services as an In Home Health Care worker. My 2 children are grown and lived back in Sherman Oaks, in LA County. My days are filled with hard work, and I look forward to Catholic Radio in the AM when I arise, when I fall asleep at night, and in the car whenever I’m driving. It is such a blessing! Thanks for you ear! I’m just so happy to be here! All my best to you all!
 
andyklein said:
…This was my rant. Any opinions on it?
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I just finished RCIA last year and was in pretty much the same situation as you, although I am a little older. My outlook on it is that the curriculum is designed to quickly catechize people and is a one size fits all approach. This is not a criticism, but a reality. Only really good teachers will be able to make it perfect for everybody.

My advice: Do your best to make RCIA better (approach the teacher charitably, etc.) but don’t worry too much about it. Listen to what they say, but go read the Catechism at home. Read the bible at home. Read anything you can get your hands on. Pray more and more. Remember that RCIA is only a means to the end of you getting your Sacraments of Initiation.

Easter will come sooner than you can imagine.
 
andyklein said:
I know I shouldn’t be evaluating where I stand in the process based on what I see from other people, but they seem to have so much to say and I have so little to say. Is this bad?
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Not at all. I actually envy people who don’t have much of a story to tell - it means that they have been blessed throughout their lives with peace and tranquillity. Boring is good - excitement is caused by things going badly wrong, and then somehow you survive it - or not. 🙂
I should explain that I am fully committed to joining the Church. I plan on officially becoming Catholic at next year’s Easter Vigil, even if my RCIA group doesn’t know who I am. I pray often. I critique myself. I try to learn as much as I can about Catholicism. I love going to 1/2 mass every Sunday. My major concern is that I might not be gaining as much from the process as I should. They are engaged, and I am not. I feel like I am going through the motions of RCIA while I lead myself through something different.
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As long as your “something different” aligns with the Church’s teachings, I can’t see how it’s a problem. There is only one “you.” Be yourself - everyone else is already taken. 😉
 
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