I feel guilty

[AngelKitty88]

Hello, I am a 22 yr old girl who has graduated college but im stuck in a rut and living at home with the parents. I feel unconfident in my abilities and therefore have not found a job yet. Anyhoo, I have been with my bf for 4 years now. We have been beding with each other off and on during this time minus the first 3 months of our relationship. I have felt guilty all this time and I really do not know why I kept doing the act. We would have some scares and I would say I will stop for real now but we never say no forever. He loves me and says he understands how I feel but somehow we end up giving in to this sin. Well since I have been feeling in a rut since working so hard to finish my bachelor’s… I do not know what to do now. I do not know what is my next step. I had been trying to find a job so start paying back loans and decide what to do next. My first dream was to become a vet but I felt that I did not have what it took.
subconsciously or consciously I have been putting off anything to do with vet med since im at a loss of what I really want or if I can get there.

Im rambling sorry…I really do not know what im asking here. Since I came back from college we have been very sloppy. not caring about what happens during our times together. well, I still feel guilty. but this made me very at risk for getting pregnant. Well, it finally happened. Sunday it was confirmed by a HPT that I am pregnant. I feel so stupid. I know better! of course I know that pre-marital sex is a sin. I feel bad about doing that. and I know how the reproduction system works and yet I allowed us to be so sloppy. I feel like a bad person. I feel like a loser actually. I haven’t told my parents yet. I am afriad to since I have betrayed their trust. I’m letting them down. They will be shocked. Everyone will because I know better and I am seen as being very sweet and innocent. (haha a having a little bit of an attitude).

I feel like dirt who can not stop falling into the same mistake over and over. This baby is a result of my stupidity but I do not ever want to call it a mistake. All children are God’s miracles. this baby is loved by me already and its daddy. We are both scared about what we have gotten ourselves into. I know that we can find a way to get through it together. He is a great guy but somehow we had fallen into sin together over and over.

Well… I came here to ask this…
IF you had a child before being married…how can you teach your child to not follow your footsteps but to wait until marriage? How can we expect our kid to do the right thing when we did not set the proper example ourselves?
That worry plagues me but I know that won’t come for a while.

Thank you to those who read through my ramblings or skimmed it ( its okay )

P.S- I also need advice on when I should try and tell my mom. my dad would probably kick me out…but i know my mom is easier to talk with.
I dont want to break her heart but what’s done can not be undone and I have to move on somehow from here

 

[Tietjen]

Well… I came here to ask this…
IF you had a child before being married…how can you teach your child to not follow your footsteps but to wait until marriage?

You start when they are still babies. You raise them up in the Church. You ensure that they know and understand Church teaching. You and the entire family stay involved in Church activities (not just Sunday mass), picnic, CYO, CCD, etc. You surround them with moral people and then you pray. You never stop praying… because regardless of how “sweet” and “innocent” a person appears, all people fall into sin and none are truly innocent.

How can we expect our kid to do the right thing when we did not set the proper example ourselves?

That’s a silly question. Are you suggesting that because you and your bf chose sex over God that you now have to allow your child to make the same mistake?

P.S- I also need advice on when I should try and tell my mom. my dad would probably kick me out…but i know my mom is easier to talk with.
I dont want to break her heart but what’s done can not be undone and I have to move on somehow from here

Well, I would suggest that you tell both of them together. But really, the thing that you need to be focused on is getting yourself together and finding a job. Will your bf be leaving the situation behind now or will he “man up” and take responsibility? Is he working? If my response doesn’t sound very “nice” or “touchy-feely” I’m sorry; but as I read through your message I don’t get the impression that this situation has become real to you yet. The most important questions now, don’t revolve around your hesitation over informing your parents, as this situation is yours and your friend’s responsibility. Marriage??? Adoption??? Single-Motherhood??? Job??? A home for you and your baby??? These are the questions that now need to be answered and in short order. Your parents shouldn’t be expected to provide for you and your baby, that is your responsibility (and the baby’s father). God bless you and your child. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

 

[MorganON]

Angelkitty88: Look for a crisis pregnancy center near you. They will help council you about keeping your baby versus adoption and such. Also they will be there to council you throughout the pregnancy. Google Birthright and your town to find a local chapter of that particular pregnancy center. (Birthright does not advocate abortion, so they are good.)

Sit down with the baby’s father and make a plan together for the care of the child… even if you don’t plan to stay together as a couple. You need to look into getting a job.

Most people don’t like to tell anyone they are pregnant until they are 3 months, because chances of miscarriage are higher up until then. But I’m not sure if that’s a good idea or not for you. However tell both your parents together. It’s not fair to them or their relationship to tell one but not the other.

The main thing is that you need to take responsibility for this situation and yourself. Be an adult, because like it or not that is fully what you are now! And you are no longer just responsible for you. Eat right. Exercise. Get an appt with an Ob-Gyn. Make a plan. Get a job. Go to Church and confession. Make things right with yourself and God.

I hope I’m not sounding harsh. I do feel for you. I know you are scared; I would be. I’ll be praying for you. If you need to talk more, I’m here.

Love in Christ,
Melissa

 

[yellowbird]

Go to confession. Stop having sex with your bf until you are married. Start planning to get married if it seems like that is the best course. Make an OB appt. and wait until 3 months to tell anyone else.

Take control of your life again.

OK, now that I have all that practical stuff out of the way, let me say to you: CONGRATULATIONS!!! You have a tiny little miracle growing inside you. You have no idea how much you are going to fall head over heels in love with him/her… your life is going to change… but it’s all good. My story is very similar to yours. Got married, had my son 4 months later and had ZERO regrets… other than the timing. But even that I quickly got over. Fast forward almost 20 years and we have been blessed with a total of 5 beautiful children. It all worked out and nobody cares that we got off to a bit of a rocky start. Nobody. We have a beautiful family… I pray you will too.

Here’s a big ((hug)) from me!

 

[joandarc2008]

All the advice so far is good - PRAY!!! He will guide you - thank you for choosing life.

 

[Iowander]

You’ve been with your boyfriend for a while. What are your long-term plans with him? Before you were pregnant, were you guys thinking about marriage?

 

[Dorothy]

Remember that all things are possible when we trust the Lord. His grace makes everything good to come out of the situation you are in.

It is a blessing that both you and your boyfriend haven’t thought of abortion, which is so easy to think about nowadays. By the grace of God you realize that a tiny person is growing inside of you.

Your first priority should be to get to the sacrament of reconciliation and the Eucharist as soon as possible. It may be uncomfortable to discuss this with your parents, but that too shall pass if you stay close to the Lord. The practice of faith needs to be your first priority. God bless you and guide you both!

 

[GracedUpon]

Hello, I am a 22 yr old girl who has graduated college but im stuck in a rut and living at home with the parents. I feel unconfident in my abilities and therefore have not found a job yet. Anyhoo, I have been with my bf for 4 years now. We have been beding with each other off and on during this time minus the first 3 months of our relationship. I have felt guilty all this time and I really do not know why I kept doing the act. We would have some scares and I would say I will stop for real now but we never say no forever. He loves me and says he understands how I feel but somehow we end up giving in to this sin. Well since I have been feeling in a rut since working so hard to finish my bachelor’s… I do not know what to do now. I do not know what is my next step. I had been trying to find a job so start paying back loans and decide what to do next. My first dream was to become a vet but I felt that I did not have what it took.
subconsciously or consciously I have been putting off anything to do with vet med since im at a loss of what I really want or if I can get there.

Im rambling sorry…I really do not know what im asking here. Since I came back from college we have been very sloppy. not caring about what happens during our times together. well, I still feel guilty. but this made me very at risk for getting pregnant. Well, it finally happened. Sunday it was confirmed by a HPT that I am pregnant. I feel so stupid. I know better! of course I know that pre-marital sex is a sin. I feel bad about doing that. and I know how the reproduction system works and yet I allowed us to be so sloppy. I feel like a bad person. I feel like a loser actually. I haven’t told my parents yet. I am afriad to since I have betrayed their trust. I’m letting them down. They will be shocked. Everyone will because I know better and I am seen as being very sweet and innocent. (haha a having a little bit of an attitude).

I feel like dirt who can not stop falling into the same mistake over and over. This baby is a result of my stupidity but I do not ever want to call it a mistake. All children are God’s miracles. this baby is loved by me already and its daddy. We are both scared about what we have gotten ourselves into. I know that we can find a way to get through it together. He is a great guy but somehow we had fallen into sin together over and over.

Well… I came here to ask this…
IF you had a child before being married…how can you teach your child to not follow your footsteps but to wait until marriage? How can we expect our kid to do the right thing when we did not set the proper example ourselves?
That worry plagues me but I know that won’t come for a while.

Thank you to those who read through my ramblings or skimmed it ( its okay )

P.S- I also need advice on when I should try and tell my mom. my dad would probably kick me out…but i know my mom is easier to talk with.
I dont want to break her heart but what’s done can not be undone and I have to move on somehow from here

Angelkitty–first of all, Congrats and God bless you for recognizing the miracle that’s growing inside you! It’s wonderful that you already love this child, despite the fear and shame you’re feeling due to the conditions of his/her conception.

Make an appointment with a priest to receive reconciliation and to discuss some of the practical aspects of the situation with him. Maybe he can offer advice as to how to tell your parents. Also talk about your relationship with the baby’s father, and listen to the advice he gives you regarding that.

Your post really shows you suffer from low self-esteem. I would definitely recommend counseling (your priest may be able to refer you to a local Catholic one) who can help you sort through all these reasons why you keep falling into sin, and why you feel so poorly about yourself. You are NOT dirt. You’re a miracle, a gift from God to the world you live in, just like this child you’re carrying is a miraculous gift from Heaven.

What is your BF like? Is he Catholic, or Christian at all? Does he pressure you for sex (even a little?) or is it mutual? Be honest with yourself here. You need to take an honest look at your BF and start thinking about how things are going to work out with you two. Were you considering marriage before you got pregnant? If not, then now is NOT the time to start. 4 years is enough time to know if you want to marry someone and if you haven’t made the decision yet, then there’s a good chance that this guy isn’t the husband God has in store for you.

Prayers for you! Also, you can feel free to join us in the parenting section at the Pregnant Mama’s thread!

 

[Charlotte1776]

I knew plenty of women who had children even as young teens, and they all say having a child was the best thing that ever happend to them. I’m sure that as scary as it all seems right now, once you look at your child for the first time you will know what a blessing they are. They hadn’t even finished high school and some even had their boyfriends leave them and had no way to support themselves, yet they all found ways to make it work.
You are in a much better position than them. You are older, have an education, and can almost certainly get a decent job within the next nine months!
You should get in touch with some crisis pregnancy centers. They can give you advice, baby gear, directions to ob/gyns, and help you break the news to your parents. I was convinced my parents would be upset that I’m having a baby at 21 even though I’m a married college graduate, but they are actually very excited about being grandparents. All their talk about putting off kids until I was 30 and how it would just ruin my life to have them “too young” went away once they knew a precious grandchild was coming. You parents will likely be the same after the initial shock. And honestly, I am sure it will not really be a shock to them. I think all parents suspect their children are sleeping with their boyfriends or girlfriends whether it turns out to be true or not. I’m sure they have thought about the possibility of you getting pregnant out of wedlock.

 

[AngelKitty88]

You start when they are still babies. You raise them up in the Church. You ensure that they know and understand Church teaching. You and the entire family stay involved in Church activities (not just Sunday mass), picnic, CYO, CCD, etc. You surround them with moral people and then you pray. You never stop praying… because regardless of how “sweet” and “innocent” a person appears, all people fall into sin and none are truly innocent.

That’s a silly question. Are you suggesting that because you and your bf chose sex over God that you now have to allow your child to make the same mistake?

Well, I would suggest that you tell both of them together. But really, the thing that you need to be focused on is getting yourself together and finding a job. Will your bf be leaving the situation behind now or will he “man up” and take responsibility? Is he working? If my response doesn’t sound very “nice” or “touchy-feely” I’m sorry; but as I read through your message I don’t get the impression that this situation has become real to you yet. The most important questions now, don’t revolve around your hesitation over informing your parents, as this situation is yours and your friend’s responsibility. Marriage??? Adoption??? Single-Motherhood??? Job??? A home for you and your baby??? These are the questions that now need to be answered and in short order. Your parents shouldn’t be expected to provide for you and your baby, that is your responsibility (and the baby’s father). God bless you and your child. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

Thank you for your response and wishes. I know that it doesn’t make it okay to allow the child to make the same mistakes; I was just worried that it makes it harder to teach them why they shouldn’t. Anyway, that is not an issue now. No, I do thank you for your directness and realism. We have been wanting to get married for over 3 years now. He assures me that he wants to stay and knows that we can do this on our own. This whole summer I have sent applications for jobs, some called me for interviews but still no job yet. Which left me very discouraged. Right now I am trying to get a clerk job with the school district. In interviews I feel like I am gaining more and more confidence. I try not to get my hopes up though since I have not been offered anything yet. Yes, I know my parents shouldn’t be expected to provide for me and my baby. I really do not want to stay here but I just haven’t found a job. Ha, I really do not expect my dad to help me out much with this anyway so this is not a big blow to me. Oh yes, my bf is working for his dad. He told his dad yesterday. His dad is not mad and is willing to help and give advice.
Thank you again. It was not easy to hear as you said but I’m glad for your thoughts.

 

[AngelKitty88]

Angelkitty88: Look for a crisis pregnancy center near you. They will help council you about keeping your baby versus adoption and such. Also they will be there to council you throughout the pregnancy. Google Birthright and your town to find a local chapter of that particular pregnancy center. (Birthright does not advocate abortion, so they are good.)

Sit down with the baby’s father and make a plan together for the care of the child… even if you don’t plan to stay together as a couple. You need to look into getting a job.

Most people don’t like to tell anyone they are pregnant until they are 3 months, because chances of miscarriage are higher up until then. But I’m not sure if that’s a good idea or not for you. However tell both your parents together. It’s not fair to them or their relationship to tell one but not the other.

The main thing is that you need to take responsibility for this situation and yourself. Be an adult, because like it or not that is fully what you are now! And you are no longer just responsible for you. Eat right. Exercise. Get an appt with an Ob-Gyn. Make a plan. Get a job. Go to Church and confession. Make things right with yourself and God.

I hope I’m not sounding harsh. I do feel for you. I know you are scared; I would be. I’ll be praying for you. If you need to talk more, I’m here.

Love in Christ,
Melissa

I think I might just look into that. Okay thanks. We do need a concrete plan. We want to stay together. I have not have luck in finding a job the summmer so it has been discouraging. My dad has been on my toes about this and so I try to get applications going. I really want a job, any job. Yes, I have been reading about miscarriage so that has affected my decision to tell. I would like to tell my parents together but I’m afraid of my dad’s reaction. Yes, its silly to be afraid of my dad I know. their relationship is not strong to begin with so I will try and muster up the courage to tell them together. I have been thinking of just blurting it out when im around both of them. Yeah, I need to take control of my situation and be an adult. Eating right is another downfall of my bf and I. We are both very overweight actually it is obesity. This is something I know will be discussed with my doctor on how to go about becoming fitter and looking out for gestational diabetes. It helps that bf wants to go to confession as well. I’m nervous about it but I know that it is necessary. I’m so ashamed. No, you weren’t harsh… I needed to hear it this way. Thanks.

 

[AngelKitty88]

Go to confession. Stop having sex with your bf until you are married. Start planning to get married if it seems like that is the best course. Make an OB appt. and wait until 3 months to tell anyone else.

Take control of your life again.

OK, now that I have all that practical stuff out of the way, let me say to you: CONGRATULATIONS!!! You have a tiny little miracle growing inside you. You have no idea how much you are going to fall head over heels in love with him/her… your life is going to change… but it’s all good. My story is very similar to yours. Got married, had my son 4 months later and had ZERO regrets… other than the timing. But even that I quickly got over. Fast forward almost 20 years and we have been blessed with a total of 5 beautiful children. It all worked out and nobody cares that we got off to a bit of a rocky start. Nobody. We have a beautiful family… I pray you will too.

Here’s a big ((hug)) from me!

Thank you so much for your practicalness and kindness. Going to confession is a biggie that I know I must do. Saturday, looks like the day…I know its tough and that I will get through it. That’s a lovely story Thanks.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

AngelKitty, if you are afraid of your dad because of his harsh personality, you may want to ask someone (your priest, your boyfriend’s dad) to come with you and be present when you tell this news to your dad. The presence of some other older person can help keep the tension under control.

 

[AngelKitty88]

Angelkitty–first of all, Congrats and God bless you for recognizing the miracle that’s growing inside you! It’s wonderful that you already love this child, despite the fear and shame you’re feeling due to the conditions of his/her conception.

Make an appointment with a priest to receive reconciliation and to discuss some of the practical aspects of the situation with him. Maybe he can offer advice as to how to tell your parents. Also talk about your relationship with the baby’s father, and listen to the advice he gives you regarding that.

Your post really shows you suffer from low self-esteem. I would definitely recommend counseling (your priest may be able to refer you to a local Catholic one) who can help you sort through all these reasons why you keep falling into sin, and why you feel so poorly about yourself. You are NOT dirt. You’re a miracle, a gift from God to the world you live in, just like this child you’re carrying is a miraculous gift from Heaven.

What is your BF like? Is he Catholic, or Christian at all? Does he pressure you for sex (even a little?) or is it mutual? Be honest with yourself here. You need to take an honest look at your BF and start thinking about how things are going to work out with you two. Were you considering marriage before you got pregnant? If not, then now is NOT the time to start. 4 years is enough time to know if you want to marry someone and if you haven’t made the decision yet, then there’s a good chance that this guy isn’t the husband God has in store for you.

Prayers for you! Also, you can feel free to join us in the parenting section at the Pregnant Mama’s thread!

Thanks I do not know how I’m going to get through confession but I do want the Priest’s advice so badly. yeah, I have a problem with my self-esteem… yes I do need counseling I did try some before and it helped to talk but negative thinking has left me completely. thanks for reminding me I’m not dirt…I just get pulled into calling myself negative things even though they are not true. My Bf is Catholic as well. Um at first it was most likely some pressure there. He has apologized to me about this before. Later on its hard to explain but it was like an automated response to just fall into that deed. At least on my part. I feel like things can work between us. yes, we were considering marriage since 3yrs and 10 mths ago I have just been in school and I don’t have a job yet he has not gone to college yet so my dad is not too happy with that. I do not blame him but that is what has me put off from telling him I am seriously considering marrying my bf. My mom pretty much knows we will get married (I didnt tell her anything like that lol) and she calls my bf’s mother the Spanish word for MIL. So, which is why I feel she will be more receptive to everything moreso than my dad. I will talk to my bf about what was said to me here.

Thank you for the prayers I appreciate them all. Thanks I just might join ya’ll there

 

[AngelKitty88]

I knew plenty of women who had children even as young teens, and they all say having a child was the best thing that ever happend to them. I’m sure that as scary as it all seems right now, once you look at your child for the first time you will know what a blessing they are. They hadn’t even finished high school and some even had their boyfriends leave them and had no way to support themselves, yet they all found ways to make it work.
You are in a much better position than them. You are older, have an education, and can almost certainly get a decent job within the next nine months!
You should get in touch with some crisis pregnancy centers. They can give you advice, baby gear, directions to ob/gyns, and help you break the news to your parents. I was convinced my parents would be upset that I’m having a baby at 21 even though I’m a married college graduate, but they are actually very excited about being grandparents. All their talk about putting off kids until I was 30 and how it would just ruin my life to have them “too young” went away once they knew a precious grandchild was coming. You parents will likely be the same after the initial shock. And honestly, I am sure it will not really be a shock to them. I think all parents suspect their children are sleeping with their boyfriends or girlfriends whether it turns out to be true or not. I’m sure they have thought about the possibility of you getting pregnant out of wedlock.

yes, thank you. I look at their inspirational stories and have great hope that we will make it. I have education but lack some real experience that so many jobs want. I will look up some crisis pregnancy centers after this; thanks I’m hoping that once they realize its a grandchild they will come around I know the shock will be great and that it will take some time to come to terms and move on from here. aheh, they probably do suspect something. I would not be surprised if they tell me that they have thought that. thanks for your advice

 

[AngelKitty88]

AngelKitty, if you are afraid of your dad because of his harsh personality, you may want to ask someone (your priest, your boyfriend’s dad) to come with you and be present when you tell this news to your dad. The presence of some other older person can help keep the tension under control.

Actually, my bf’s father has offered to do just that. Well he said he would tell them for me but I do want to tell them myself. Thanks, I will consider asking our priest! That will definitely ease my anxiety around my dad.