I feel like I have no extended family!

[BlestOne]

Out of all the extended family, my husband and I only ever talk to one of my 4 siblings regularly, 1 occasionally and no one on his side anymore. My MIL lashed out at my husband about a car loan that my FIL co-signed for several years before our marriage. She couldn’t stop with that issue however and told him how I was ruining his life and his daughters life because I am a terrible mother. Needless to say DH is not speaking to his mother even though the car loan has been paid off (misunderstanding about terms caused problems). It seems that she thinks I am too strict with her granddaughter since I dared to talk to my step about her rude behavior at her birthday party(she acted like a spoiled brat including tossing gifts that weren’t “fabulous” into a bag as soon as she tore the wrap off and saw it wasn’t something she considered awesome). MIL has now befriended the exwife to have gripe sessions about me…geez! At the same time, my mother got mad at me for insisting that if she was going to listen to gossip from one of my sisters, I should have my say about the event. She even hung up on me then promptly told my 2 sisters and 2 brothers that I hung up on her. I was mad but I just ignored it. Then my aunt died and my mom didn’t even bother to call me to let me know, still I ignored her. Now, my daughter just celebrated her 15th bd and neither my MIL or my mother called or sent a card. Granted my MIL is not her real grandma, but it hurt just the same. I don’t expect gifts or anything, but a card would have been nice! My DH is even more upset at his mom than I am because she made a huge deal out of my step daughters birthday and spent over $300 on her gifts and didn’t even send my dd a card. I am more mad about my mom who is flesh and blood related to my daughter and just because she is mad at me didn’t send a card or call. As far as it goes, I know my mom has mental problems but this is just way too immature for a grandma! FIL has not spoken to DH either, mostly because of his wifes hysterics about a misunderstanding that was easily fixed. DH is now afraid to talk to his sister because he thinks his mom has talked to her about this. We already don’t spend much time with his brother since he hates me and refers to me as “that Catholic woman” and not by name. It is making me miserable to feel like so many people hate me. DH is wonderful to me and I really try to ignore alot of the comments but it really is getting me down with the holidays coming. We already decided that we are staying home for thanksgiving and the kids are really glad because they love my cooking more but I feel like I have failed his family and mine. How do I survive the holidays like this? I am afraid I am going to be so bummed that it will affect the kids. They are old enough to understand alot of this but I don’t want to share all of this with them either.

 

[leonie]

Aw, your post makes me so sad.

You’ve got to lean on the communion of saints at a time like this when our, er, more imperfect family is letting us down.

I suggest reading the lives of the saints for Advent and praying to them daily!

Also, you might want to consider building up your Catholic community. We are participating in a Catholic home based community through Presentation Ministries. It has been so wonderful. I’ve never felt so loved in all my life.

presentationministries.com/community/community.asp

God bless you.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

This is going to sound like Pollyanna on saccharine, but bear with me.

These people irritate you in the extreme. Your own mother in particular causes you nothing but arrgravation and angst. Your MIL is the candidate for manipulator of the year. Neither of them are currently speaking to you or yours. The good news: NONE OF THEM ARE TALKING TO YOU!!! Enjoy the peace and quiet before you let them in your life again and have to wrangle with them.

I’ve mentioned before I am in a similar boat. Yes, it hurts when your mother lies about you. Mine has told enough tales about me over the years to the point where she has been asked to stop by family members who I don’t see very often. She can’t keep her story straight. I’ve been in turn a religious fanatic, athiest, spendthrift, tightwad, loose woman and frigid, nosey and too “unsharing” for my own good. It will eventually backfire for your mom too.

You will have to develop your own relationships with family members. What can I tell you? Send Christmas cards to all the aunts and uncles, with one of those snappy little Christmas letters telling all the family (good) news. Call cousins and have conversations of your own, WITHOUT BRINGING UP YOUR MOTHER IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE. Have them to lunch when they’re in town.

Like passionately the relatives with whom your husband still has contact, and ignore the ones with whom he doesn’t. Again, do NOT bring up MIL to any of them, and brush aside conversation of her when they do. I’ve found a big smile and, “I’m sorry, we don’t discuss that” very effective.

Cultivate friends who might fill “family” positions for you, starting with not-as-close realtives. You can make your own extended family.

Do you really care what your husband’s ex thinks of you? She has done your husband a favor: Released him from her evil clutches so he was free to marry you. He is so much better off with you and you know it. She can sit and gossip with your MIL until the cows come home. If your husband and you don’t give in, you’re not going to have many problems. And you step- daughter is getting up there, where she can see what’s going on. She may try to play it, she may not, but she’s in the home stretch of childhood, right?

As for hurting your 15 year old by not sending her a card- It wasn’ meant to hurt her. It was meant to hurt your husband and you. Sooner or later, your dd is going to have to learn to deal with people who are not considerate of her feelings, even though she is their blood or some sort of relation. I am sure she is smart enough to realize that these grandmas are not playing with a full deck. Let the grandmas reap the consequences of their actions.

 

[BlestOne]

Update…
Mom’s birthday came and I had my kids call their grandma and say Happy Birthday. My mom immediately said, “Oh you just had a birthday too…what are you 14?” My daughter was upset her grandma didn’t remember she was 15 and just got her learners permit. I had them put her on speaker phone so I could hear and it was too funny, yet too sad too! I had warned them that my mom’s old standby line when she doesn’t want to talk anymore is to say someone she doesn’t know is coming up the driveway…which she pulled…the kids started laughing when she said that and I think she knows they know she was lying. She all but ignored my step-daughter who was in the car and on speaker phone with her, she knew my step was there cause the kids told her we were on our way to take her back home.

Husband doesn’t want to attend Thanksgiving with his family this year because of all this, which is fine with me, I like my cooking better and I love having leftovers, something I wouldn’t have if we drove 5 hours to his sisters house. We love his sister and her family, but his mom, dad, brother and niece all blame me for my husband becoming Catholic among other “sins” so no big loss there. I am hoping we can go see them another weekend.

My oldest son did go to my brothers wedding yesterday, I refused to go because he wasn’t sacramentally married (Got married on a beach and not in church because he hates God now because first wife died). I haven’t heard how it went yet but I am sure they pumped him for information and filled him with, “Your mom is wrong” like they always do. My sister that I speak to refused to go too. She and I both feel very sorry for the woman my brother married but we can’t tell her so we are keeping our mouths shut. It is just a shame that my brother will never understand why my sister and I didn’t attend.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

That was a really good start.

I am glad you are looking forward to a peaceful Thanksgiving…with leftovers! What better Thanksgiving is there than that, except one with leftovers and no dishes.

 

[Giannawannabe]

Blest One,

Although my family problems are not the same as yours, I also feel quite alone sometimes. I don’t look forward to spending time with family at all. Most of them drink too much, swear too much, live immoral lives that they share in front of my kids. It seems I just “tolerate” visits vs. enjoying them. I’d rather just spend holidays with my immediate family, than deal with all the drinking, fighting and nastiness. I’m already dreading the upcoming holidays. I wish it wasn’t like that. I think once the grandparents are gone, we’ll all sort of split up a bit. sigh I guess I don’t have a lot of advice for you…I’m sorry. Just wanted you to know that you’re not alone out there! I think you have a good plan for Thanksgiving—I’m kind of jealous! Prayers coming your way.

 

[LSK]

And this could be your chance to start some fabulous Holiday traditions! There is this great book (and of course I cannot remember the author right now but I got it from Catholic Answers) on Catholic Traditions and it gives ideas for recipes, prayers, arts and crafts - I’ve done some of the things with my five year old niece and she has LOVED the activities.

Hang in there, honey…God loves you and so do we…

 

[princz23]

I have no words of wisdom for you, but I can certainly relate. We have gone long periods without talking to both of our families before in response to their outrageous, unacceptable behavior.
When we start to see them again, we learn all over why we didn’t for so long. I think we appreciate each other more because of their behavior, but it is sad to me that they don’t share in the joy of our beautiful 5 children. Someday, I will revel in the joy of my babies having babies. I will not play favorites and I will lavish them all with love. Enjoy your Thanksgiving. I envy you being able to cook and someone eating it. My children (with the exception of my only daughter who is the oldest) would rather eat peanut butter crackers than a wonderful Thanksgiving meal!