I feel like the Holy Spirit has left me

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DeoGratiasAnglia

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Put short, I’ve been living in a state of sin for a while. My own thoughts have been tormenting me on a near-constant basis since realising the gravity of it. I never have peace. It’s like my body is being slowly crushed, acid pouring into my soul. I am always burning. My distress has extended to physical pains. Darkness surrounds me. I can’t conceive ever experiencing happiness again. The slightest thought of sin hurts. Fear traps me in sin, which I don’t have the strength to get out of. I don’t even know whether God was ever with me, if not for a short time. I pray to no avail, I hope for a message. Sometimes speaking to or reading about God will bring peace for a short while only for the torment to restart. Everything from YouTube titles, to Bible verses, to simply hearing the word ‘lukewarm’ out of context feels like a signifier that my soul is on its way to Hell. I fully believe I deserve to be in Hell and am unworthy of help. Nothing good anyone can say reassures me, only the bad things resonate with me. What good is being optimistic if God has already left (or, alternatively, I have left God)? It feels like God hates or is asking the impossible from me. I desperately want my relationship with Jesus back. To think my current despair might not even matter if I somehow come to the point where God hands me over sometimes stresses me out, sometimes doesn’t, and then my own apathy will stress me out. I’ve told God that nothing good in this life can be worth it if my soul is destined for Hell regardless, I’ve screamed into the darkness of my soul and yet nothing. I’d be better off dead than lead a life without Him by my side. Even good events feel like tragedies in any case when I remember my soul could very well be destined for Hell. I just feel unequipped and unworthy for a spiritual life, I don’t know how to stop doing whatever I’m doing wrong, I don’t know how to trust Jesus (or, rather, myself to cooperate, perhaps). If God is imploring me to make that big leap to overcome sin, then what if I fail? That’s what scares me.

Sorry for the rant, am just freaking out with no one to turn to. I don’t even know how I’ll receive any advice at this point.
 
God says multiple times throughout scripture that he will never leave us nor forsake us. Hebrews 13:5 is one example. No matter what you’ve done or what has happened, he will always have a unique, supreme, unconditional love for you.

You’ll be in my prayers.
 
I agree with @hopeful3542. Discuss with a priest these thoughts, and also do to a doctor/GP for the physical pains.
DeoGratiasAnglia said:
Sorry for the rant, am just freaking out with no one to turn to. I don’t even know how I’ll receive any advice at this point.
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Please don’t ever feel too ashamed or anything like that to post on these forums; you’d be surprised how people have had similar experiences. The most important thing is trying, and in what you’re describing here, it might be helpful to completely forget about “but what if I fail?” Pick yourself and try without being concerned about falling.
 
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It is unclear from your post why you don’t go to confession to get rid of your sin and lift the burden of darkness. Are you Catholic? If so, please go to confession asap. That’s the remedy.
 
Sometimes, we feel so swarmed by darkness and weighed down by it that we either feel too guilty or disinterested about going to confession. It’s one of the devil’s favourite tricks to play on our mind.
 
Daniel27 said:
Sometimes, we feel so swarmed by darkness and weighed down by it that we either feel too guilty or disinterested about going to confession. It’s one of the devil’s favourite tricks to play on our mind.
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All the more reason to do the opposite of what the devil wants, and go to confession in spite of all that.

@DeoGratiasAnglia if you are Catholic, please try to go to Confession no matter how useless the idea feels beforehand. God promises to forgive you there and that forgiveness is objectively real. If you still struggle with feelings of guilt etc afterward, please talk further with your priest (and possibly a doctor or counsellor) outside the confessional.
 
Daniel27 said:
I agree, but it must be said that it can sometimes be difficult. This is a very good article on the subject, with a great quote from Pope Francis about what can save us.
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I agree of course; I struggle with the same temptations from the enemy that tell me it’s pointless to go to Confession, I’ll only sin again, do I really mean my repentance enough yet, wait does all this really matter at all, hmm now I feel apathetic instead of distressed, might as well stay home and just think about whether to go next week, etc.

What helps me is actually going to Confession. Looking at all the reasons the enemy tells us not to, and going anyway.

I recognize that’s hard to do. Especially the first couple times when we’re not yet used to doing the opposite of what these temptations tell us. But it’s still the right action, walking towards the spiritual doctor instead of staying away from him.
 
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MNathaniel said:
it’s pointless to go to Confession, I’ll only sin again, do I really mean my repentance enough yet, wait does all this really matter at all, hmm now I feel apathetic instead of distressed, might as well stay home and just think about whether to go next week, etc.
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This is so accurate in those times
 
Scripture promises us that if we resist the devil he will flee.

By continuing to sin, you are making the decision. Don’t give the devil credit for what is a matter of free will.
 
Others have already given you some good advice.

I will share that I have observed in my own life what I can only describe as “pressure” from the dark forces, especially when I know I am not in a state of grace and have fallen into sin. Many, many times I have felt a hesitation to go to confession, like I doubt God’s mercy and my own ability to cooperate with His grace going forward.

Nearly every time, once I apply just enough self-motivation to get myself to confession, I feel like a weight has been lifted and I wonder how I could have been so blinded by sin.

Prayer never hurts. But there is a reason Jesus gave us the Sacrament of Reconciliation: we are weak and easily tossed around by emotions. We benefit greatly from a physical sign of God’s mercy and forgiveness and from the powerful, personal intercession of the priest, who stands “in the person of Christ.”

I have prayed that the chains of darkness are ripped away and the light of God’s grace leads you to peace.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy burdened, and I will give you rest.”
(Mat 11:28)
 
Go to confession, if you haven’t. If you haven’t gone in a while, go again.
 
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God is Love rest in Him.

If you have accepted Jesus Christ then you are secure.
 
Focus more on your good actions than on the desperate feelings. Take a small step or two and make the day’s effort your only concern as regards your spiritual life. Include a fast of some sort, something achievable that may be quite minimal but is a step forward. Do some work or exercise that causes a little perspiration, and take a nap.
 
I heard a preacher preach who advised not to leave God even in sin, and you need to extricate yourself from sin.
I think if comes brokenness and awareness it is from the Holy Spirit , but also I think that the Holy Spirit encourages, gives hope and faith, and does not plunge into despair
 
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